The Babble List: 18 Most Outrageous Toy Commercial Claims
Barbie makes ice cream! Laser tag guns shoot photons! And other lies.
by Cole Gamble
June 22, 2009
#6 | Dukes of Hazzard Race Set (1981)
Yes, electric stock car racing — with a jump? Good luck keeping those cars on the track. Go ahead kid, continue putting the car back on the track after every time it crashes, telling yourself, "This time it will work." That's the kind of wrongheaded persistence in the face of certain and perpetual defeat you'll need in the future when trying to find a job with your liberal arts degree.
#5 | Photon Laser Tag Set (1986)
Dude, how cool would it be to shoot fat, red laser beams at your dog? Too bad this thing isn't actually a laser, but works like a remote control, which means it doesn't do anything when you shoot. You have no idea where your shots land, so you're basically pantomiming having fun.
#4 | Knight Rider (1982)
"This car can even do things K.I.T.T. can't do," Hasselhoff boasts. Oooh, burn! Stick that up your tailpipe and smoke it, artificially intelligent car. But what "things"? The Hoff is confoundingly reticent on that front. I'll take a guess: Not suck like the new Knight Rider show? Hmmm, probably not.
#3 | Robotix (1985)
Man, wouldn't it be awesome to own a robot dinosaur you could ride? That's what this commercial suggests. Imagine terrorizing the playground with this bone crushing, fire-barfing, prehistoric-futuristic machine. Oh, you can't ride it? It's actually quite small? Never mind then.
#2 | Cool Tools Work Bench (1992)
All kids want to be handy like Daddy. You might think you can actually build something with this tiny work set, but the only thing you'll be building is a life of disappointment.
#1 | Picture Pages Pen (1980s)
Oh Bill Cosby, how could you crush my childhood like that? And I'm not talking about taking away Jell-O Pudding Pops. (But seriously, where the hell are all the Jell-O Pudding Pops? I have a Jell-O Pudding Pop shaped hole in my heart.) No, Mr. Cosby, I am speaking of your sidekick on Picture Pages, the pen named Mortimer.
Oh, the rich, sweet music Mortimer could make! And knowing how kids like me salivated for their own Mortimer by the end of every episode, you offered us a chance to buy one for ourselves. And so while our parents were away, we took the credit card pilfered from their wallet and order our fantastical pens.
Then that great day arrived, and the mailman brought us the pen that would change our life forever. We tore into the package, ready to make our drawings come to musical life, only to discover our "Mortimer" did not create a symphony of sound at our doodlings, but merely went "BEEP BOOP" every time we touched the felt tip. BEEP BOOP?! This is what we got for $23.95? (NOTE: $23.95 adjusted for 2009 dollars = $7,000).
About the Author
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Cole Gamble is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. He's working on an evil self-help guide titled Improve Your Life or Die.
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