There's a lot of awareness and information out there about post-partum depression. But what people don't talk about -- at least, I'd never heard it -- is that weaning can also lead to moodswings and depression. It makes total sense, when you think about it: You've had prolactin and oxytocin (the same stuff that's in ectasy, for God's sake) coursing through your veins for months -- a double dose of it, in my case. Take it away, even gradually, as I've been doing, and you're bound to have a bit of a come-down.
Yesterday, I finally decided -- after much hemming and hawing and saying "well, maybe next week" -- that I was ready to finish weaning the girls. In December, I'd cut down to nursing just three times a day, then to two in January, and finally, just before my trip to New York, down to once, first thing in the morning. Since then, maybe because they're getting more from their evening bottle than they were getting from me, the girls have been sleeping later -- until seven or seven-thirty a.m. instead of six or six-thirty. I need to be out the door to work by 7:30ish myself and don't want to wake the girls up early just to nurse them. They need their sleep, and Alastair appreciates the extra shut-eye, too. Given the fact that their nap schedule is in transition, too, this just seemed like a natural stopping point.
And the girls are totally fine with it. Honestly, for the past few months I've sometimes felt like I was forcing them to nurse. I was lucky if I could get them to stay on the boob for more than a minute or two at a time. Who wants to lie in once place, waiting for the let-down (which started taking longer and longer) when you could be chugging a bottle while walking around the room?
So, we're stopping. This is day two of no nursing. And I feel like utter shite, my friends. I feel grumpy and hazy and foggy and down. I feel like staying in bed, burrowed under the covers, or lying on the couch in my PJs watching bad TV. I keep heaving heavy sighs. My veins hurt. Everything feels like a huge effort.
How do I know all this is a hormonal thing? Well, I started feeling not-so-hot soon after I cut down to one nursing, and it's gotten sharply worse since yesterday. I'm also familiar enough with depression to know when it's circumstantial and when it's chemical. In this case, I suppose, it's probably a little of both, one fueling the other. Stopping breastfeeding -- especially when you're pretty sure you won't be having any more children -- is an emotional thing. It's definitely the end of an era, and I can't help feeling a sense of loss and nostalgia. My little babies are growing into children, and it's bittersweet. But I don't think I would suddenly feel better if I changed my mind and decided to nurse them a while longer. (That is, not until the hormones re-upped.)
I guess what I'm saying (See? I can't even write clearly...) is that I'm pretty sure this the right time for me to wean. I think if I did it two, three, six months from now, it would probably feel exactly the same. This feeling of utter...uck...is not guilt or regret or grief, but my body chemistry recalibrating itself.
I just hope it doesn't take too long.
Sorry for such a depressing post. Here -- I'll end on a lighter note, with a very silly picture of me taken a couple of months ago, full of oxytocin and prolactin and breastmilk. And check out that rack!
Ah. Those were the days.
