I'm finding that one of the toughest parts about parenting nearly-two-year-olds is deciding when and when not to let them have their way, and how to maintain some semblance of consistency while also being flexible. Obviously, in some cases, there's no room for negotiation: no, you can't go outside without a jacket; no, you can't play with that steak knife; no, you can't borrow the car.
But so much of the time it's a judgement call. Last night, for example, I made the girls a nutritious and colorful dinner of veggie burger, sweet potato fries and green beans -- all foods that they generally like. I gave them ketchup for dipping, too. (It's a vegetable!) But they wouldn't eat any of it. (Well, Elsa ate some of the ketchup.) Then Clio started asking for applesauce. Elsa, of course, joined in. (Which is frustrating because I think, given time, she might have actually eaten her dinner.)
I tried the whole "you can have applesauce if you eat one bite of veggie burger and one bean" approach, but I honestly don't think the girls quite grasp the logic of delayed gratification yet. In the end, after much whining (from both them and me) I folded and gave them applesauce. They both ate, like, two giant bowls of it. So they were obviously hungry. But not for veggie burger, beans and sweet potato fries with ketchup. (Note: I also tried getting them to dip their sweet potato fries, etc. in the applesauce, but they just licked it off. Foiled!)
Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have refused to give in? Sent them to bed, then served them their untouched dinners the next morning, cold, a la Mommie Dearest? Or are you supposed to not worry too much about what your kids at this age eat at any one meal, as long as they get some protein, vitamins and fiber in over the course of the day?
Another dilemma: to pick up, or not to pick up? For the past few weeks, Clio has been constantly wanting to be held. And she's rarely content to simply sit on a lap -- she wants you to pick her up and stand or walk around with her, and will cry and whine until you do. Believe me, I love holding my girls in my arms, and love that they take comfort in being close to me. But you can only carry a hefty, applesauce-fed toddler around for so long. Then there's the problem of the second toddler getting jealous and wanting to be picked up, too -- something I can no longer physically do without endangering all three of us.
So,what to do? Do I pick Clio up whenever she wants me to, as long as it's logistically possible, or is it OK to set some limits? As in, "mommy is eating her lunch right now, so she can't pick you up, but when she's finished, she will." (As if saying stuff like that actually works.) Or, more realistically, "Mommy has been carrying you around for the past ten minutes and though she's not quite sure what a hernia is, she suspects she may be in danger of getting one unless she puts you down RIGHT NOW."
My ever-wise husband thinks that our approach, in general, should be not to be too quick to say no (choose our battles, in other words) but to stick to our guns once we decide to say it. I tend to agree, though it's obviously much easier said than done. The whining and screaming of my children frequently drowns out the calm, rational voice inside my head that's telling me to stand firm.
I can just imagine it, years from now: Clio and Elsa telling their therapists how sometimes I would let them have two cookies, and other times I only let them have one. Sometimes we would play the "Banana Phone" song over and over again, per their request, and sometimes we'd tell them to sit tight and just listen to the rest of the CD. "How were we supposed to establish a sense of self when the sands beneath our feet were so constantly and relentlessly shifting? How could we learn to trust or respect anyone when we couldn't even trust whether or not we were going to get a second Fig Newton?"
To future Elsa and Clio (and their therapist), once again: I apologize.
