Elsa and Clio are having some authority issues. Particularly at bedtime. I suppose this isn't surprising. They're at their tiredest and crankiest at the end of the day, AND they don't particularly want to go to bed. Not to mention the fact that I am starving (we still eat after they go to bed, for a variety of reasons) and, four days out of seven, have had a long day at work and am looking forward to relaxing, so I'm not at my best, and am not interested in letting the bedtime ritual drag on indefinitely.
So I am finding myself at my wits' end lately when, for example, one of them will refuse to brush her teeth. She'll simply refuse to leave the nursery and come into the bathroom. Or she will do something silly, like Clio did the other night: dance around the hall wearing a pair of sunglasses (upside down) and make goofy faces, while I tried to help Elsa brush her teeth. Of course, Elsa thought what Clio was doing looked like a lot more fun, and started asking me to go downstairs and find her sunglasses, too, so she could do the same thing. Oral hygiene was a lost cause. I don't even remember how I finally got everyone to shut the hell up (oh dear; did I just write that? Yes I did) and brush their damned teeth (and that? Oh, my). Somehow I did. But by the time I'd read them their books, wrangled them into their cribs and given them the ten thousand "just one more" kisses and hugs and back rubs they wanted, I was totally fried.
In general, my strategy for dealing with out and out defiance is one or more of the following: 1.) Give the defiant one a minute or a bit of space and let her comply on her own, which she sometimes will. This can work well in situations like toothbrushing refusal. But it is not so feasible if, for example, we're leaving the playground and one child is already loaded in her carseat, in a very hot car, and the other child has decided that she absolutely must continue scraping the rock she has found against the sidewalk.
2.) If #1 doesn't work or is not applicable, make it clear that there will be a consequence. As in: it's up to you, but if you don't brush your teeth, that means we won't have a story before bed. Sometimes that works, other times not. When it doesn't, in that particular scenario, it means that the defoamt one will stand in her crib and scream while I read a story to her sister. Even if I do it in the next room. And then I have to attempt to calm the screamer enough that the other sister can actually go to bed. Sometimes it is workable. Sometimes it's not.
Consequences really are a lot more complicated with twins, especially when they share a room. It can often mean that the "innocent" one ends up losing out, too. Like in the army. (Actually, I don't know if that's how it really works in the army, but in army movies from the 80s it always seemed like when one guy screwed up, the whole division would end up having to scrub latrines or jog ten miles or something. And I base much of my knowledge in life on movies from the 80s. Which is why I know that Russians are evil, an abortion costs $200 and high school principals are all morons.)
3.) When nothing else works, I will bodily remove the child (because often it's a matter of getting her to come or go somewhere -- upstairs, downstairs, in the car, into the bathroom, etc.). If I can muster the emotional energy, I do it in a silly or amusing way. With an airplane sound or with a bouncing motion. When I can't, in a very brisk and business-like fashion. Sometimes while clenching my teeth to keep from being more brisk than I need to be.
I'm thinking I should probably hit the books and try to read up on some effective strategies for dealing with defiant toddlers / preschoolers, because I obviously have -- er -- "spirited" children, and two of them, and surely this is going to be a common theme over the next few years. (Brief respite in the school years, and then...adolescence.) Knowing that it's never easy, I would still like to have some "best practices" in my arsenal. I feel like I'm winging it here, and could probably be doing a much better job. How do you cope when your kids simply refuse to do (or not do) something you ask or expect them to?
