Baby Squared

My girls are 15 months and I am pretty stuck in the not yets. With my first, now 5 y/o, we were out and about all the time from day one, doing everything there was to do. She had freedom and experiences! Now a trip to the park with the 3 of them is major effort.  It was only 3 weeks ago that I was brave enough to let the "babies" out of the stroller to walk around a bit. It didn't go well - they sat down and immediately ate the mulch. But my DH went with us to the park the next week and the girls did much better, and so did I.  I dream of days going to fairs, parks, outings, heck, just grocery shopping when it is easier and they can run free and enjoy themselves.  Not yet - I am there.

So funny how the development happens-- the concept of the future starting to take shape . . . For both the toddlers AND the parents!-- Remember those early infancy days where you just tried to get through TODAY? There were only fleeting thoughts of next month or next year!

My son's version of "not yet" is "soon".  Although I'm pretty sure for him soon = never (still working on the concept of delayed gratification!)

"...  kidding, of course. but seriously, the bread tasted like shit." - this made me laugh out loud!  i work part time in a family-owned natural foods grocery store.  boy have i ever had people try and convince me of organic alternative products that are "delicious" and "just like the real thing" (see also: gluten-free brownies made from bean flour.  BEAN FLOUR.)

love your writing - thanks for the chuckles!

:-D

I've enjoyed your writing in this forum for some time but lately have not found myself persuaded by or remotely sympathetic to the "dilemmas" you present.

I suspect that I am starting to be entirely overwhelmed by the chorus of privileged, complaining women (on this site and in the larger cultural reportage)about the disconnect between home and work and the "utter" difficulty of "having it all".

It may be helpful to step back and look at the larger picture - women who want a meaningful relationship and resonant interaction with their young children on a daily basis understand that it may require them to cut back on a demanding work schedule or to stay at home with their children during these years. It is not a strategy without risk but the infant/toddler years are fleeting and for some women, nothing can match the joy/experience those years provide.

Others who want to pursue a demanding, high-powered career understand that less daily interaction with their child/ren is a cost of that decision. The hand-wringing about the difficulty of the choice is understandable but we are far along enough in this  national discussion to understand the losses/gains of our respective choices.

Even with a voice as witty and talented as yours, the incessant whining (much like a toddler's) is unattractive and unbecoming, especially in your relatively privileged circumstance. And yes, I know I can go elsewhere for reading.

Ooh, Jen, whoever you are... aren't you a snarky one?

Anyways.

I'm with you on the Not Yets.  I totally agree that there's a sense of optimism to that phrase.  It's not a "no," it's a "not yet."  I'm amazed these days at the fun things that I can do with my 26-month-olds, but there's definitely still a whole next layer of activities that are still on the "not yet" list, especially with the double factor.  Makes me slightly less willing to bend the nap routine and take big risks. But still... much improved.

Jen - please go elsewhere for your reading.  Jane's writing is relevant, witty and entertaining and as an expectant mother I find with it to be with great interest that I read her blog to see what challenges I may face in the future.  And as Jane said, clearly you have figured it all out, so why don't you go somewhere else and add your $.02...

"relatively privileged circumstance"?

Does it occur to Jen (the commenter above) that being able to stay home with one’s kids is often a privilege in itself? That the majority of women who return to work *have* to do so in order for the family to stay afloat? That not everyone is “blessed” with a high-earning partner or family money? That some women are the main (if not the only) providers for their families?

Quite a privileged life Jen must have, if all she’s able to see is a bunch of women who, as she puts it, “want to have it all.”

There's one in every crowd (referring to Jen above).

But the rest of us Need you Jane!  Your blog is insightful and entertaining. Reading your posts always conjures up feelings of comradery and community, which are essential to coping with the craziness our lives.  

Looking forward to reading more blog posts and future novels! (Have faith - Your readers do!).  

Jane, I've been getting to know you and your family for two years now, and I've never felt that you were "whining" or presenting "unbecoming" dilemmas, not once. You are smart and funny and talented I appreciate you telling us that just like me, you sometimes have struggles too, that it's not always easy, but that does not mean you're anything less than a caring, great mother. Achieving balance is a lifetime journey, one which I believe doesn't have that much to do with whether you're a working mom or not.

Jen, while you have a right to express yourself and I respect your opinion, I believe you could have gone somewhere else without hurting Jane's feelings. Not that I think she can't defend herself, but please don't forget that blogging requires a whole lot of time, effort, and implies a certain vulnerability for putting yourself out there.

I believe making this into a debate over working moms/stay-at-home moms, especially if implying that you can't have a career and still really be there for your kids, is both sterile and somewhat irrelevant. This is Jane's, and my, and a million other women's reality, and I strongly feel that thinking about it, talking about it, sharing experiences, admitting that you're not perfect, and being willing to question and readjust, is not "privileged whining," but showing that you care.

As a stay at home mom, I really don't call it a privledge Ellen.  I love staying at home. It was my choice.  However we are not privleged.  My husband is not a "high earner".  We just do without a LOT of things to make it work. A LOT.  We are taking our first real vacation in three years and we are still being extremely economical about it.  I think Jen is being totally unfair to Jane, but I just had a problem with your defense that stay at home moms are privleged.  I sacrifice, I am selfless, but I am not pampered. :)

Jen-you were harsh on Jane for no good reason.  I don't see her as whining, if she did, I would call her on it, because I too get annoyed by working moms who can't find a good balance or make selfish choices and then whine about it.  I don't see her as like that at all though.  For one thing her husband does a lot of the childcare himself while she works.  I don't care which parent is there as long as one parent is there a good amount of time.  You owe her an apology.  

I busted out laughing at the "tastes like shit" statement. Too funny! and too true as well!!! bwahhaha.  I have found that we are ready for more and more things as they get older, but like you there are still many things that are "not yet".  I am looking forward to the "not yet" but I will also be sad that the baby age is gone. :)  Just enjoy each day as it is. :)

"How about no."  That is so, so awesome and probably worth a blog post in itself!  It's funny, because as I've learned more about you from your writing, I've found myself more persuaded by and sympathetic to the dilemmas you present.

I like this perspective- I'll try to focus more on "not yet" when I hit rough patches with The Beef. It makes it easier to admit defeat when you recognize that its a fluid and ever-changing environment and defeat is not final!

April, do you also get annoyed by stay at home moms who "can't find a good balance"? Certainly having a life that revolves completely and utterly around your children isn't well balanced. I stay home full time, and I know I annoy myself sometimes with my lack of non child-centric activities.

Erin, Yes, I do.  I have VERY good mom friend whom I love and adore and think she is a great mom, however she never is without her children. EVER.  She is not even a stay at home mom, she works and the kids go to work with her.  While I think it is great she is so devoted to her kids, I think it can reach a point where you are neglecting yourself and your sanity and hurting your children's independence to never be away from them.  I can't afford childcare, but I make sure to go out and let hubby watch them sometimes and they stay the weekend with Grammy often.  That way I still get out of the house alone. :) Some moms don't have any way to get childcare and so I definitely feel for them because they never get a break and in that situation I don't blame them and sympathize.  I am lucky that my mom will watch them or otherwise I would NEVER get time off to be with my husband or to get anything done. For the first year of my twins life- I was that mom.  Hubby and Grammy were not comfortable being alone with the twins and so I never got out alone.  I almost went insane.  Thank God things have changed. :)

Jane, I do not really know you but have to tell you that you have to be an amazing human being because while I cannot understand what depression really is, I have read about the symptoms and having the energy to do all the things you do while having a family as well is like a miracle.  I hope one day you can get rid of your depression so you can completely enjoy all the things you do and all the people that love you. Kudos!!!!

Jen - what the hell? I can't find anything remotely whiney in this post, or any other post from Jane for that matter. Perhaps you have other issues that you need to deal with, but the comment section here isn't the place for it.

Jane - I was actually going to comment yesterday, but didn't have a chance. I was going to say that this particular post left me feeling hopeful - that that's what life is all about - we work toward the "not yets", and we better ourselves (and our children) in the process.

I was also going to say that you've inspired me to start my own blog http://taooftwo.blogspot.com/ because I just needed to write! (Jen, you're not invited to read) Even though I've only got 2 followers, both of whom know my struggle with depression, I've yet to tackle or even mention the big "D" so you're braver than I am!  

snarky jen- can we let up on each other's choices? or at base, keep from judging the act of thoughtful observation on the nuances of how parenthood, livelihood, and self purpose might intersect? is it all as obvious and binary as you indicate? i mean, really? REALLY? what do the comments say about how far the "national discussion" has progressed? are we there?

i'd say, not yet.

I'm glad to see other readers come to Jane's defense here. But no one has pointed out yet what I see as the cruel insensitivity of Jen's comment: if you look at the closing lines of the "not yet" post, Jane says, "Have I figured out the right balance of work and parenting and writing, all while managing to keep my depression at bay?"This blog is compelling because we get to share in this writer's struggle to balance all of these things - the elements of life which most of us most work with, ie work and family-all while also dealing with a disease that is hard to manage and which makes it hard to do anything at times. And Jane conveys it not by being "whiny" as accused, but with a great sense of humor and generosity and love. As someone who's considering (single) motherhood (and yes, I will have to work, too), I find Jane's strength and honesty to be very valuable and incredibly inspiring.

I just wanted to reiterate what others have said: I enjoy your blog lots even though I have no twins (just a lonely only-child). You seem like a lovely and talented person who is just trying to do the best you can, just like lots of the rest of us, in many walks of life. I think that nasty comment was just that: nasty. Please do your best to ignore it! (I say that because I know that it would bother me some, even if I didn't want it to, maybe that's not true for you). Anyway, it's too bad that women do this to each other, it really is.

As A mother of 18 mo. old twins I can sympathize with Jane in some ways. I stay home. It is hard, but it is better than having some other person slack off on training your twins to be pleasant to be around. It is so hard to do even when they are your own kids, how do you expect someone else to deal with the constant fighting, whining and competing? I have all day to train my children how to behave and experience long car trips, and long walks in the stroller. They slowly learn that whining and screeching is unacceptable behavior.  Thankfully they are my first and I dont have another child to throw into the chaos. I am blessed to live on a farm, which is a huge outlet everyday. Staying indoors most of the day and fighting over every toy, or my lap, is maddening. We are constantly changing scenery and moving from one activity to the next. This takes motivation on my part, but it keeps me and the kids in better spirits. I try to take advantage of each training opportunity, and try to minimize hitting and whining with calm direction and loving punishment. It is a full time job, and when I slack off it shows in their behavior. I am slowly learning that there is an art to raising twins, and it requires more patience than you could ever imagine. My heart goes out to a twin mother who is forced to work for income. It may be easier in some ways, but it is always tough to deal with children who have not been trained to behave the way you see fit. Children understand so much more than we assume, they are capable of being pleasant and well behaved at a young age if you put in the time. some take more time than others.....especially twins.

This post teared me up, maybe I'm dealing with "not yets" more than I realized myself.

We've been having big challenges with Little Man (a few months younger than your girls) lately, to the extent that I'm torn between wanting to find a counselor to figure out how to deal with his anger problems, and telling myself "he's TWO, he doesn't have anger mangagement problems!"  But how do we deal with him from a discipline perspective now (and not get kicked out of daycare) while at the same time helping him learn how to deal with his feelings in the long-term?

"Not yet" is another way of saying what I've been telling myself.  "This too shall pass."

PS - How did this become a debate on staying home vs. working?  And why can't mothers just be kind and support each other?  I'm fed-up with this crap.  And it seems the only way to avoid it is to stop reading the blogs of other moms, and I'm not willing to do that because like you, Jane, I appreciate the support and empathy of other moms.

Jane,

You're funny, you're great, I love your blog.  My husband is a twin, so it's always interesting to me to hear about the twin-twin-parent interaction.  

While I'm not planning to weigh in on the staying home v. working deathmatch round 243, I very much appreciate your perspective.  And I wish there were some way to broker a peace treaty.

Clio may be the next Tina Fey.

We are all works in progress, with our not yets.  

And I'm with EdnaKay, not weighing in, hoping for peace.  

I had to post a second comment after reading all the rest.  Jane, I read you because I can relate to you. I find it helpful and I like to read about you and your girls and all that I have to look forward to because my girls are now 15 mos.  I found you when they were infants, in those early days when it was so hard to get through. You inspire me, you ground me, you remind me know that while it's a challenge, it is so very worth it and for the most part, it just keeps getting better. Your stories are honest and I look forward to every new post you make. Your response to Jen was dead on.

Now that I got that out, I made it past a 'not yet' yesterday that had me so bummed for so long. We (the two little ones and my older daughter) all played outside yesterday - just the 4 of us. It's a challenge - we live on a big hill - everyone is face planting left and right, eating grass, rocks, leaves, you name it. Most days it was too difficult for me to do by myself so I skipped it. But FINALLY the little lawn mowers were more interested in running around than cutting the grass with their mouths. We chased each other around and it was so much fun. It was what I have been waiting for. Just wanted to share. Thanks.

Hi Jane

I can't be bothered to say anything about Jen...Jen...Jen who?

As you know I have twins who are now 3 1/2 (OMG they are 3 1/2, just 18 more mths until they are 5...5..not yet, but soon!) , I suffer from depression, and I have been a SAHM for 10 years (1 older daughter). I love to read your blog.... too many of my early parenting days were too clouded to properly  savour the joys, but I am reaching "yet" and all too soon they will be big enough to do other "yets". It took me one child to realise that each difficulty is a stage that will pass.. but now I am sometimes too exhausted to deal with it s... but the knowledge does pull me through and gives me better perspective. I hope that  I can at least give a little of that to you which is why I comment. Until June of this year I didn't drive. Think about that, trapped with my crazy people- and now I am driving my girls all over the place doing fun things with them.  We still have some "not yets" to get past ...eg put away your toys, your shoes, stop hitting, kicking, pinching your sister,  snatching and throwing things...but we wil get there, yes we can! ..and then I'll invent a new career for myself , but not yet!