Baby Squared

I would definitely ask the sitter if by some chance she has been using that tactic. Kids don't usually make that kind of thing up on their own. They hear something somewhere, and may apply it in their own bizarre and mercurial fashion, but they don't, at that age, make up that kind of logic on their own. And then if she does admit to using that tactic, I would very clearly state that you don't want them to EVER believe that anything they do would make mom or dad stop loving them, period, so stop using that method.

I am generally mystified by the expectations of "the routine" that applies to any activity in our house. As you say, the rules change on a whim. Bob began calling Cooper's milk "dinosaur milk" recently, only unbeknownst to us, Cooper took it further and applied that term to milk served in a particular cup, not milk in general. THAT took awhile to figure out.

Uh oh, she learned the magic guilt phrase. "No dessert, Clio."

"You don't love me anymore!"

etc, etc.

Take it up with the babysitter, and if she isn't the culprit, it'll probably die out. Hopefully. For the most part. She'll still use it when she's a teenager.

Where did she get something like that?!  Maybe from tv?  Does the babysitter watch soap operas during the day?  haha Kids pick up lots of stuff from tv.  They also pick up on little things you and your husband might say in jest or sarcasm and take it seriously.  The important point is to do just what you did, tell her of course that is not true and make her feel loved and then make no more deal out of it.  If you freak when they say anything, you be bet they will use it again and again and again because it got a big reaction from you.  

I started one day by getting Eric to say "Daddy Pooped" in jest and we did it for a day for fun.  Well it is two weeks later and he still uses it several times a day for everyone and everything that poops.  Mama pooped, Daddy pooped, bed pooped, car pooped.  I don't really care, but you see how they latch on to things.

My toddlers also have very specific ideas of how things are to be done and God bless you if you don't do it that way.  Mine have little verbal skills so it makes it even harder.  I will just yell out ideas of what they want while they scream "NO" till I guess the right one. Sigh....  We must say "Shoosh" when putting the blanket on or it is no good for example.  Typical toddlers. :P

Michael sometimes mixes up the order of things.  He will say something that sounds like something I did, but he really means something he did or something completely different.  Maybe she is mixing up something she heard.  

Or maybe the babysitter said something less severe, like "If you don't eat this then you don't love me anymore."  In other words, if the kids loved her they would perform some action.  Which is still not good, but not as bad.

I think all 2 year olds read from the same playbook. Michael often has fits over seemingly ridiculous things.  I think it's not what they actually want, they are just objecting to your control over them.  If I tell him to wear the Thomas underwear then he absolutely doesn't want to wear them. This morning he picked them out of a selection of underwear and then decided when they were halfway up his leg that he didn't want to wear them.  I insisted, mayhem insued.  We also have bedtime ritual struggles over which blanket, which stuffed animal, and tuck or no tuck.

Kids have a way of latching on to precedents that would impress any lawyer or judge.  (I thought about writing an essay entitled, "All Toddlers are Lawyers" when my kids were younger, but I never got around to it.)  Just one time doing ANYTHING may well be used against you for weeks or more.

As far as that "You Don't Love Me Anymore," welcome to the first Testing Phase of parenthood.  Your children have now reached a cognitive level where they understand that their wants may be different from your wants, they have a new facility with language that they've discovered can trigger reactions in adults, and they want to take these skills out for a walk and see what they can do--every day, if possible.  Anything is possible, of course, but I think it's highly unlikely that Clio actually thinks you don't love her anymore.  On the other hand, she was mad at you (even if she wouldn't or couldn't tell you why) and either saying these words would get her a reaction, or you would ignore her and then she could be mad at that, too.  Unless this goes on for months and it seems like she really means it, I don't think there's much more you can do besides reminding yourself she's testing you, reassuring her that you love her and then just waiting for it to pass.

As I understand it, these testing phases continue to visit us as the kids get older.  My four-and-a-half year old is in one now with my husband.  And my husband and I have discussed since we decided to adopt years ago the likelihood that someday, our teen daughter is going to be furious with us about something or other and whip out the "you don't love me as much as [my brother] because I'm adopted" remark right before she slams the door.  Why?  Because she can.

Finally, I didn't get a chance to post earlier this week, but here's my two cents on all that: Yes, those of us who write and think about our parenting and want to spend time with our kids (and deal with our chronic health issues, whatever they may be) all at once are lucky.  But that fact doesn't devalue our desire to think things through so that we can be the best parents to our kids we can manage.  And if sharing that thought process helps anyone else with their own goals, then by all means, keep doing it.  What we have to say is unquestionably not relevant to everyone, but then, I don't think we mean it to be.

You're doing great.  Keep at it!  (And you'll get to that novel someday, too.)

I'm in the same boat with you on the bedtime madness. I work during the day (3 days/week) while my husband is home with the girls, so it's up to me to do the bedtime routine. Normally, it goes fine, but the other night, we had a similar instance (minus the "you don't love me" part). My husband can hear what's going on downstairs on the baby monitor, so he came up and took over. Of course, I felt like a horrible mother at that point, but he told me later that he sees how they push my buttons, especially at bedtime, and he knew that a "change of energy" would diffuse the situation, which it did.

I've learned not to add too many additional acts to the bedtime routine, because it almost overwhelms them. At one point, I would sing them each a lullaby after books, but they started asking for another one and another, and then it got out of hand. So, again, my husband stepped in and did bedtime for a few nights (without lullabies) and when I returned to the task, I simply said 'no' when they asked me for lullabies, and they accepted it.

All I can say is, thank goodness for daddies!

My twins never had a bedtime routine. No books, baths, songs on a regular basis. I have just weaned them at 18 mo. Finally I am free! In the last few months they were not caring about the boob at night, so I would just put em down, and they would have no issues. But I never nursed them to sleep, so that helped I think. Jake sucks his thumb and rubs the blanket tag in his ear as soon as he hits the sheets, and he is out within minutes regardless of Ali's chatter or occasional screams. Sometimes Ali will be a little to dramatic, and we go in and Mike will set her strait.

I think you are onto something with the sitter... now Clio will just have to work it out... that's horrible for a sitter or anyone to say! Would she be able to tell you if that's what the sitter said?

I don't always comment, but I love your writing and style with the two... hearing poor Clio's words tugged at my heart strings!

Wow, we don't have kids yet, but I am not looking forward to that kind of juggling act in putting them to bed.  Very curious about where she picked up the "you don't love me anymore."  Hope you figure that out soon.  I agree with the above and think you should confront the sitter, but don't place blame before you know for sure.  Might lose a good sitter!

I am so jealous that yours are still in cribs!!!!! Just wait until big girl beds arrive in your world and then see your bedtime world "evolve" (I was going to say descend into hell but didn't want to scare you) . But as the monsters drift into sleep-is a wonderful time to find stuff out....things that they might have not been willing to say in the light of day. Such as testing out a new thought, or idea or concept and sometimes they are the "scary " kind like "you don't love me". Other times it can become a discussion about daddy in the airplane and when he is coming back..that became a shouting match between them about what colour the plane was- pink or green.

 I like to enquire what the people are planning to dream about...from about 2 years, the answer was "candy", then it was modified to "candy and chockwit", "green candy and chockwit"...and then  came the day that she whispered "Pwince Dewick...and candy" (thanks Barbie). The same with my 10 year old- it's when mummy finds out the important stuff.

Bedtime is also crazy in my house with 3 yo twins. My husband and I are always sent on treasure hunts to find the most obscure toys!

I "love" the routine requests - I have suffered through it for 5 years with K and now I "look forward" to deciphering the routine with babies D & S. The smallest change of word or movement in the good night and it's the end of the world.

As for the "still love" thing, I think it's an age/development thing (at least I hope it is).  We went through a "do you still love me" phase, then a "do you love me the most" phase (how does that work with twins or more?), then an "I hate you" phase. Currently, it's an "are you mad at me" phase.  We get through them. Some hurt our hearts, others make us giggle inside because where the heck do kids come up with these things?

On the "say yeah," perhaps she takes comfort in you repeating phrases she says so that she knows she's heard.  Either that, or she's considering a career in being a D-J in a hip-hop club. (SAY YEEEEAH!!!)

Child Behavior Modification is so tough. There are moments that yelling at them is not enough. Tantrums in toddlers start when they want something which they cannot get or even when you do what they don't want to.

According to <A href="http://tantrumtoddlers.blogspot.com">Tantrum Toddlers Researcher</A>, the best way to deal with toddlers tantrums is to create the best activities that are fun and educational. You have to remember that at this is the stage, child adopts all things that happen around him. This is also the best time to allow your child into different activities.