Rubber Spatula. Farberware, $1.99
Bratz what? Tickle me who? The rubber spatula is the new, must-have toy that everyone will be talking about. Its soft, pliable head makes the perfect teething device, and isn't hard enough to cause major distress when one baby hits it against, say, another baby's head. The sturdy plastic handle is easy to grip, with no sharp edges, and makes a satisfying but not grating clackety-clack when whacked repeatedly against the floor. This no-frills toy can also be used for scraping pureed fruits and vegetables out of a Cuisinart, but ask baby for permission to use first, nicely. Dishwasher safe, top rack.
Cheerios. General Mills, $3.00-$5.00 per box
These delightful, fiber-rich Os are the perfect starter finger food. But you already know that. What you may not know is that they keep babies occupied and happy for surprisingly long stretches of time, freeing you to do marvelous things like have a conversation with another adult, prepare and eat meals, and clean Cheerios up off the floor. Just toss a handful onto baby's high chair tray, and watch as she shovels them greedily into her mouth. But wait, there's more! Later, when you change baby, get ready to be greeted by a jolly cascade of the Cheerios that have fallen inside baby's shirt and/or diaper! (Note: These Cheerios can be re-used at your discretion.)
The New Yorker Magazine. Conde Nast, $47.00 for a year's subscription.
Why let these treasure troves of fine writing, witty cartoons and shiny paper go to waste sitting in an ever-growing pile on your kitchen table, waiting in vain to be read, reminding you of all that you've given up by having children, when they can be put to use right now? Place one within reach of your baby and within seconds he or she will be flinging it around like a grizzly bear with its prey, crinkling and tearing out pages, and stuffing them into his or her mouth, all while grinning and squealing with delight. Just be sure to remove pages from baby's mouth before he or she manages to ingest them. Too much Hendrik Hertzenberg can be tough to swallow, especially for the under 12 months set.
Contour Changing Pad. Various brands, $9.99 and up.
It's not just for changing anymore! That is, not once your baby is seven or eight months old. Suddenly, it's the world's smallest and most dangerous gymnastics and wrestling mat! Watch baby writhe and squirm, in the process getting gloppy, disgusting solid food poop all over herself and everything within a five foot radius. Try in vain to simultaneously restrain her, put a diaper on her and keep her from falling as she turns over, gets up on all fours, and attempts to crawl off the edge of the changing table. Enjoy, knowing she's developing gross motor skills and a fierce sense of self-determination. Heavy-duty, ripstop nylon restraining straps sold separately -- if you find out where, please let me know.
Mom's (or Dad's) Feet. Factory-installed, included in purchase price.
The perfect toy -- right at the bottom of your own legs! Shod or not, your feet can provide minutes of amusement to your baby. Let her grab at them, suck on them, attempt to remove them from the rest of your person. Wiggle and tap to your heart's content -- baby will be riveted. Paint your toenails in a high contrast shade for added appeal. No feet? No worries. Your nose is almost as good.
