The Reign of Clio

re: The Reign of Clio

jan — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 06:40:02 GMT

While I haven't been parent to a toddler, I am the oldest of 4 children (and the next oldest is 3 years younger), and I have worked with kids of all ages, personalities, household/family types, language backgrounds, etc. One thing I found was that while kids need to know that you are attentive to their needs and care about them, they also need to know that there are boundaries for their requests for attention. Particularly with toddlers and kids who don't get a lot of attention at home, kids will push and push and push for attention, and if you keep giving attention they'll keep pushing for more. They're looking for your boundary, their limit. And if you have a boundary and set it clearly (in advance, not in the moment or in anger) and then STICK TO IT, usually the kid will handle it just fine and will actually be much more comfortable with you because he knows where the lines are. An example: say Suzy begs you to read Curious George to her for the fourteenth time but you need to do dishes/finish a project/make dinner/down a gin-and-tonic. You can tell Suzy, "Okay, we can read it one more time. But this is the last time I will read you a story until dinner's over/bedtime/tomorrow/the apocalypse." Then when she doesn't listen and comes back in five minutes begging for a story, remind her calmly but firmly of your earlier warning. When she throws a tantrum (note "when", not "if"), walk away. If you give in, you've shown her that she hasn't yet hit her limit and she'll keep pushing. If you walk away, you're showing her what you mean by "only one more" and where the boundaries are. She won't hate you, she won't feel unloved or neglected or abused, her ego won't be crushed, her self-esteem won't be doomed forever. Kids need people to set limits and boundaries for them, because they're KIDS and they don't know how the world works yet. When you set limits and stick to them, that's another way of telling your child you love her.

re: The Reign of Clio

TooQuietSaysMama — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 05:11:12 GMT

I have a 4 1/2 girl and 2 1/2 boy. Both went through this phase even when the first was by herself. Many times if it's just the attention thing, instead of fighting it I'd pick him/her up and within a minute they'd be wiggling out of my grips. The more I fought it the more they'd demand. Giving them separate attention - even just a little bit every day - really goes a long way, especially now they are both fighting for it. Just when you are about to completely lose it, it gets better. (or that's what I tell myself)

re: The Reign of Clio

camamma — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 04:16:31 GMT

This is so reassuring to read-both the post and the comments! My 21 month old daughter is super clingy, especially post nap until her dad gets home from work. It's exhausting! Some nights we just sit down and read books until relief arrives, and dinner is just late.

It is nice to know it isn't just us. One thing that sometimes works is getting out her memory game. She is too young to do much more than scatter the cards all over the house, but she loves to hand us cards one by one, or you can ask her to give you a specific card. It buys at least 5 minutes, which is sometimes a lifetime at the witching hour!

re: The Reign of Clio

winecat — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:49:35 GMT

The Clio, yes it has a nice ring to it

re: The Reign of Clio

Alisa — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:11:52 GMT

I am a twin. My sister and I went through many phases with our interactions towards one another. I would be super bossy at home, my sister found revenge by acting super bossy once we started school (we've evened out some over the years). It's so hard because for your whole lives, you are somewhat in competition with each other. You are constantly compared with each other. Attention must be split between the two of you....

I believe that just taking extra care with the bossiness situations and reading books like "Little Miss Bossy" were very important in my parent's strategies. Good luck.

re: The Reign of Clio

P/ — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:06:55 GMT

Our boy/girl twins are almost 23 months and our alpha twin (my son) can be VERY demanding of me. We’ve found that some one on one time helps. My husband and I take turns with each child and have found that the need for constant attention from our son subsides for at least for a couple of hours post one on one time.

re: The Reign of Clio

km — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:56:07 GMT

Okay, this is probably going to come off as mean, but having been through this phase (and it is a phase), with 2 of my boys (who are now 6 and 4), my best advice to you comes from the Reagan administration: Just say no. And Clio will hate it and cry or whatever and you'll want to cave and pick her up. Don't do it. (I would usually pretend I had to go potty and hide in the bathroom for a minute.)

The other thing that worked for us was sending the boys on "errands." "Mom-mom, up up." "Hey! Can you find your [fill in toy or book here] for me?" The key to this, is suggesting that they find a toy or book that is clearly visible, and located near as many other toys as possible. What typically happens is I would send the kid to look for X, but he'd find Y and Z and play with them. Five minutes later, he'd come back for "up up" and I'd say, "Hey, I thought you were going to find [whatever] for me. I think I see it right over there." Then you point at the object. As soon as the kid's head is turned, sneak out of the room and start doing dishes. Repeat as necessary.

re: The Reign of Clio

Lena — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:21:56 GMT

I too have an alpha twin. My girls are almost 21 months and it's not gotten to "The Clio" ;-) level yet, but I am brainstorming and this post and comments help. I notice giving her tasks help a bit. I also try to praise her a bunch when she isn't acting like a big bully. Perhaps some extended (ie. more than 5 minutes) one-on-one time with Mommy and Daddy are in order for Miss Clio (sorry, I couldn't resist) because maybe, like you said, she's just craving independence and having her needs met on a consistent basis in order to feel reassured. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

re: The Reign of Clio

Danielle — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:15:40 GMT

I haven't read all the comments, so sorry if I'm repeating, but just wanted to say, I think a LOT of it is age (of course personality too, but on the positive side, age means it's not going to stick around forever!). My girls are almost 2 1/2, and JUST a couple months ago they started really playing together and entertaining one another. It's wonderful. But we had a lot of months before that, of demands to be picked up, played with, etc. They still do it, but seem to be satisfied after a few minutes and then are off on their own playing again. I don't have any solutions for you, just wanted you to know that there most likely IS light at the end of the tunnel, and you will have five minutes (or maybe 15-20, just think!!) to yourself again eventually. In the meantime, do whatever it takes to keep you sane - TV, more babysitters, etc, it's all okay! Good luck!

re: The Reign of Clio

April — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 02:47:07 GMT

Very familiar. I have my alpha twin too. He demands I read the same book over and over again and after the 15th time it gets old! He will throw a fit if I don't read it again and again and will put the book physically in my hand. All the while my little beta twin is hovering nearby trying to occupy himself and trying to pretend he doesn't care he is being ignored. It breaks my heart. I try to get them to share my lap and that works about 1/3 of the time. Usually the beta gets run off my the big boy alpha.

I get so upset because E my alpha all day long takes toys away from H my beta no matter what he has, pulls him, pushes him and demands my attention. I make a point of spending one on one time with H and telling E as he throws a monster tantrum that he is not an only child and he has to share mommy/daddy/toys.

Sometimes you just feel almost angry at the alpha when you see the sad beta moping around because he is not on mommy's lap because big brother pushed him off. It is hard to describe. I think all twins must be this way.

I am trying to give E positive reinforcement about helping his little brother and being nice to him when he brings things to brother, shares, etc. I WAS making progress it seemed, the fighting had slowed down....that was till yesterday when our friends gave the boys several super cool new toys and now it is WORLD WAR 3 around here-all bets are off! Sigh...It was a rough day for me too. I broke up fights all day long but at least daddy was here to help me.

I feel ya girl!

re: The Reign of Clio

EG — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 17:03:34 GMT

LM just started wanting to be picked up all the time, and I am the only person who will do. And he doesn't want me to sit, I think generally I am his chauffeur. If I stand still or sit he says, "GO Mommy GO Mommy GO!"

My mantra as well is "Everything is a phase." Then when necessary say "No, I can't hold you right now" and ignore the resulting tantrum.

I imagine it's all harder with twins.

re: The Reign of Clio

Melissa — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 17:00:50 GMT

I think it's just the age combined with personality. Michael is also very demanding. Sometimes I just have to walk away from him when he's being very demanding. Of course he follows me, but I just can't carry him all the time.

When I'm cooking, he will be quiet for a little while if he gets to "cook" as well--he gets a pot, a cover and a spoon to play with. Sometimes I let him play with a clean sponge and a little bit of water in a bowl. He gets soaked, but it's worth it to buy a little time. The TV works a little bit, but only if its something he really loves.

You're not alone and hopefully it will pass.

re: The Reign of Clio

Megan — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:58:32 GMT

I couldnt stop thinking about your post - I think because it exactly describes what I am dealing with my 22 month old boys. In fact I find your entire blog incredibly reassuring - the fact that someone else is having the same struggles makes me feel as though I am not the only one!

What I was thinking is that her sudden neediness is perhaps an inner struggle not only as a twin but also the hard challenge to be a big girl versus being a baby.

My alpha twin (first born by 1 minute) is constantly advancing and is very type A but he also has these huge regresses where he wants to be my baby again. He had me read him this potty training book where there was lots of talk about not being a baby any more - "ERNIE IS A BIG BOY NOW". He is mostly potty trained but in the morning after reading the book 5 times I asked him if he wanted to use the potty he said "No potty, diaper, nod of head, BABY".

I took it as a message for me to back off on the whole big boy thing. I find myself pushing their independence because it is eisier for me if they generally cooperate with the chores of the day. Perhaps the cligy demanding thing is simularly connected.

Hope this helps - you have helped me huge.

Thanks for sharing!

re: The Reign of Clio

Megan — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:23:44 GMT

I hear ya, I suggest you join me in a new tatoo - IT IS JUST A PHASE!

Of course most likely to be followed by a more wicked one.

I have no solution - this age is tough man o man, the nerves run raw. Sometimes I feel sad because it is such a cute age and I feel so frazzled by having 2 at the same time I often miss the sweetness and just feel run over by their toddlerness.

If it makes you feel any better at least it is just whining. When my MASTER twin wants my attention he inflicts bodily harm on his brother so that I come running - YAY!

I LOVE Jen's advice, though, it is not about the children having a perfect life it is about the whole family doing the best they can to stay saine - you and your husband are vital components that should not be ignored. So plop them down in front of the TV, they will probably learn to read in a month and then you can get them to read you stories - again, again, Clio.

ps read my comments on your last post - the stool is helpful with the whole pick me up thing i.e. Mommy needs both hands to cook right now but you can stand in your stool and watch/help.

re: The Reign of Clio

Eva — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:22:57 GMT

Mine also love CDs on tape from the library.

I'd say it's about the last 2 months or so (they're 27 months now) that mine starting doing a lot better playing together and not needing adult supervision as much. Then again, it's during that very timeframe that they conspired to break the stereo... but they sure had fun without parental supervision!

re: The Reign of Clio

Kate — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 02:31:11 GMT

I found CD books on tape at my local library, and they gave me TV watching time without actually popping in a video. Most of the CD's would read the story twice, creating a 20-25 minute chunk of time. It was enough to change the direction of a terrible mood, (the kid's mood--of course--ahem!) and I could go to the bathroom/check email/prep dinner/drink wine and pray for patience. (I don't have twins; perhaps sharing the book would be a nightmare? Splurge on the Scholastic site and buy yourself two copies of the book maybe...Sometimes you can also find the same book on the shelves that is packed with the CD...)

My Irish mother always gives stoic advice, but in this case, I agree with her and tell you, "This, too, shall pass."

Take care, Jane!

re: The Reign of Clio

Jen — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 01:45:28 GMT

I think Clio's name should always be prefaced with "the" in all written communication.

Give yourself a break Jane - sometimes TV/videos can be a marvelous solution - it would be unreasonable and exceptionally tedious for parents to be expected to amuse/cater to their young children for all of their waking hours.

Might also be useful to ignore the girls for set periods of time on a daily basis - make sure they are safe, recently-fed and changed and insist that they play with each other or play independently for specific blocks of times. 30-45 minutes is absolutely doable at this age. You can start with 20 minute blocks and increase incrementally.

Child-rearing is a marathon not a sprint.

re: The Reign of Clio

patricia — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 01:07:36 GMT

I don't have any advice- my kid is pretty independent, and not a twin, and our issues are different- but I just wanted to offer my sympathy! That would drive me seriously crazy. Kudos to you that you're still holding on to your sanity!

re: The Reign of Clio

MidLifeMama — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:39:54 GMT

I think it is an endurance test. Cooper is not a twin, but still wants things when he wants them. And it is a mercurial process. I think it is that developmental phase where they are figuring out they can express their wishes, but still don't have the capacity to understand delayed gratification. I can only hope it gets better because if I have to watch the same Bob the Builder episodes again, 12 more times, things.will.happen.

re: The Reign of Clio

L. — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:05:52 GMT

Who knows if these will work, but I thought of them as I was reading:

1) Give her rewards for playing with Elsa.

2) Give Elsa rewards for being good.

3) Continue to calmly explain things, then ignore the meltdown stuff.

re: The Reign of Clio

CC — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:05:21 GMT

Oh, we have a queen too. We started calling her Queen Latifah and now she calls herself that! Her twin brother sounds more like Elsa in the sense that he has needs, but does not require that they be met quite so immediately or so specifically. Our queen is almost three and things are improving. One thing that has helped has been asking her to "help" us. In any way possible - even helping by not being quite so needy. She loves that she is "almost a big girl" (her words" and anything that promotes that is fair game. We also try to give her lots of hugs and cuddles throughout the day (her brother too, the whole twin thing...).