My Writing Mother Guilt

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Kristan — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:37:17 GMT

Oh hey, they just did a Momversation about this!

www.momversation.com/.../are-you-a-stressed-working-mom

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

MidLifeMama — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 00:51:26 GMT

I work full time, Cooper goes to day care roughly 8am - 5pm five days a week. He has since he was 4 months old. I don't feel guilty at all. If one of us could afford to stay home it would likely be his father, and Cooper would probably still go to school/day care of some sort part of the time. He truly thrives there. I know you can't say that of every child care situation, but I know when I drop him off, he is happy. He loves his teachers, loves the activities which I could never duplicate in a million years of trying. And while I don't LOVE my job all of the time, it is a valuable effort and I feel I serve a larger purpose in life at times. That can't be a bad thing to model for my child. I agree with the previous comment that happy moms lead to happy children. Follow your bliss, be the person you need to be, and know you are doing a good job no matter what you choose to do. The rest falls into place.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Julia — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 15:50:42 GMT

I unexpectedly became a SAHM after a layoff. Though it's been GREAT to be home with my son for his first year (and continuing), it's really hard. I work 14-hr days (and THEN make dinner!!!). I take time to work out almost daily (helps my mood) but have no time for my brain/my writing. I'm about to put him in daycare a few hours/week so I can write/think/look for part-time work.

You have to take care of yourself as a whole person. This culture (and many others) doesn't support women artists, especially those who are moms, don't get much support, but you can't really stifle that part of yourself without causing other problems (ranging from wistfulness to resentment and depression).

Good luck!

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Rachel — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:51:26 GMT

I don't feel guilty about working - I actually think that separation from my children makes me a better mom when I am with them. I do wish I could either work part-time instead of full time OR work somewhere with a shorter commute. I really only have 2 hours in the AM and one hour in the PM to spend with them, lus the weekends, and it would be nice if my time with the girls didn't seem to rushed all the time.

Anyway - I have no regrets about working or taking "me" time when Evie was younger. I don't think you'll regret it if you take time to write.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Alli — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:19:24 GMT

The "mommy guilt" issue is certainly something that every mother faces at some point. From my perspective (as a full time toddler teacher and non-parent), I have the opposite experience. I spend 8+ hours a day at work with my 9 kids and yearn for the day when I'll be able to devote my time and energy to one of my own. I don't know any daycare teacher who doesn't agree that staying home is the ideal childcare situation. That is not to say a mom's every waking moment should be spent with her children. Staying home with your kids takes careful planning. Especially since in today's society I think it is extremely important for children ages 2 or 3 and older to have some kind of social/learning experiences on a regular basis. Also, Dads need to factor into this equation a lot more than they typically do (the only mention of fathers taking a role in childcare in these comments was from Tanja who lives in the Netherlands).

When I have kids I hope that they spend most of their time with me doing many of the things that I currently do with my class, have some quality one on one time with their dad, and are exposed to the structure and socialization of an educational program.

As for you Jane, I think you have a pretty good situation going. If more writing time is necessary though, is there an afternoon that the girls could spend with their dad or at a playdate instead of with the sitter so you could write?

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Lena — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 00:02:23 GMT

Life and parenting is all about balance, and knowing what things in your life make you *feel* balanced - not someone else's version! I suspect that simply writing this post helped you come to that conclusion. I'm right there with you in almost every detail (twin girls, same age, work part time, enjoy my work/time away, etc) except for me it's my massage practice (which has never been a source of significant income, but more a passion - like your writing). For me, the time/energy to do massage simply isn't feasible right now, and it's a source of guilt. I've come to the conclusion that things will be different in a year (or two or three) and if it's meant to be that I am able to start my massage practice again, then I will. If you have the desire to write, then make time. I'm a big believer that happy moms make happy kids, and pursuing your dreams keeps you happy. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about how you choose to spend your time.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

leahsmom — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:18:59 GMT

As everyone has said, no one can decide for you - or even, necessarily, offer much help to you, unless it's validation you want, and I think most of your readers will give that instantly! These choices have to do with what you want, and what you feel is right for you and your family. You've identified the issues very well yourself. The hard part is just, well. . . deciding.

It sounded to me as though you do want to take this time to work on your writing, but you're worried that doing so is somehow a tick down in your parenting level or bad for the girls, or makes you not as great a person. None of those things are true. One thing I hope to teach my daughter is that it's really important to make time for the things you really care about - and that you know what you care about, because you make time for it - even though this always means a little less time for something else. It sounds to me as though your writing is really important for you personally to do, to keep your life happy and rich, and that you can't really do it very well right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making the choice to give yourself a few more hours a week to focus on something that is important to your heart. Good luck!

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Sara Lou from Maybe Baby. — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 19:14:00 GMT

I think each person has to draw that line for themselves. And, I also think that line can move, shift and change with time and circumstances.

Make the best choice you can based on how you feel now. If it doesn't feel right, you can always make a change.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Patty — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:39:42 GMT

I work full time and definitely have the guilt thing going. I think if I had my druthers, I'd work about 10-20 hours per week just for a "break" from being a stay-at-home mom. But I don't get my druthers; for various reasons my full-time job is essential.

We're lucky enough to have a nanny instead of sending our son to day-care, but I still feel like that's not ideal (yes, I'm an idealist). I also jealously guard the scant hours I have with him (and steal more where I can get them)... except when he's having a tantrum day, when I happily hand him over to grandma. ;)

Now that he's a bit more coordinated, takes a little direction here and there and can be trusted not to put everything in his mouth, I'm able to include him on my "sanity-preserving" projects. (I like to bake on weekends, I'm trying to start a garden (an on-going project, nothing in the ground yet!), and do some sewing.) Prior to this I simply leaked sanity here and there... oops.

I have largely put semi-professional music to the side, which is not something I want to do. My wonderful band members keep me involved in a couple of events per year, and I try to practice just enough so as not to embarrass myself. I can't really *practice* when I'm watching my son, and if I take hours at other times I'm shortchanging something -- husband, work, housecleaning... bah.

I say take the time for your writing. It'll help you hold onto your sanity.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Marie-Eve — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:34:55 GMT

1-I work full-time and struggle too, I think we all do! Some weeks are awesome and some are to forget.

2-30 Rock rules

3-I think that's a great idea you had, and certainly wouldn't be selfish at all

4-I don't feel like you're rambling or being repetitive, this is exactly at the heart of millions of working moms' preoccupations!

5-I agree with Melissa, even if I didn't have to I'd still work, although maybe more on my own terms

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

mama de marlie — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 16:25:45 GMT

jane, please do NOT take time off from your fiction writing. THINK OF YOUR READERS!!! when i read, "Maybe I should put that part of my life on hold for a few years -- or at least scale back more significantly..." i nearly flipped! you noted it precisely that you're getting those hours back in the reduced nap time and later bed time. you're balanced, baby; omitting the creative writing would shake the scales.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

FSE — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 16:12:50 GMT

Wouldn't dream of speaking for you, April. Not in a million years!

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

April — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:47:57 GMT

FSE, I pretty much spend every waking moment with my kids....so don't speak for me.

I am a full time stay at home mom. All the other MOMS I know are sending their kids that are my kids' age to Mother's Day Out, I am the only one that is not. Mine are with me 24/7 except for about 1 to 2 weekends a month when they go stay with my mother or an hour or two here and there that I go to run errands or go to the doctor etc. I clock in about 10 hours a day with them. Sure I get away a few minutes here and there during the day to check email or something, but I am always on duty. I do most errands with my kids.

Is it tiring? yes. Is it boring at times? yes. Do I fantasize about having a nanny or putting them in MDO? yes. But in the end this is the way I want it. We were planning on doing preschool from 9 to 12 two days a week starting Sept 2010, but now after a talk with Dh, we may not start preschool till Sept 2011. So that would actually be the first time they would regularly be away from me and even then it is only 6 hours a week.

I KNOW I am not having more children. Jane, you said you are 99% sure you are not having more kids either. So to me, this is my only chance. I don't get a do over. I am not going to get another baby to hold and snuggle in a couple years. This is it! So I treasure every moment with them. They grow up so fast and then before you know it, they are in school 7 hours a day and then going to activities after school and spending the night at friend's houses, etc. Then you barely see them at all and even then it is not quality time. Just chatting for a minute in the car between going places and the occasional trip or family game night or movie night or something.

I want to enjoy mine while I still can. Not everyone feels this way. That is okay for them, but not for me. I think you have to really really think about it. Are you going to regret not spending enough QT with them years down the road? Do you think they will have issues of not getting enough QT with mom? If you think you will and they will, then the writing can wait. But if you don't think you will and they won't regret it, then go for it and take your writing time. In the end it is all about what works for your family.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

amanda — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:06:26 GMT

This post really resonates with me right now. I work full-time outside the home, but I don't work super-crazy hours (usually). Prior to having my daughter Jane, I did a lot of local theater projects. I suspended that for a year after she was born, but last summer (when she was one) I directed a show, and I'm doing another one this summer. For some reason, last summer's show was easier - I guess she didn't really realize I was gone as much as this year - and this year she really seems to miss me a lot. So despite the fact that theater is really a core part of who I am as a person, I know I'm going to have to shelve it for at least anotehr year after this. My guilt is through the roof right now. The work/life balance is really hard for me right now - and another part of that is, like you, my work life is just exploding with responsibility right now, more so than ever. So between that and the show I'm doing, I just feel like I'm not there enough for my daughter. And it sucks, because I do want to be ME - but I guess I have to figure out what the new ME is (once again) -without it being at the expense of my daughter. Sorry, this is a really rambling response....

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Heather — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:02:29 GMT

Thank you for writing about the continually shifting balance and theunending quest for a comfortable balance! Sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority because I too do not feel the need to be with my son all day every day. But on the other hand I also would not be happy working 60+ hours a week (I'm a lawyer).

I've given up the idea that someday I'll find an arrangement that causes me no guilt one way or the other (guilt about negelecting my work which I like and invested quite a lot of education in or guilt about neglecting my son). But I try to approach the situation logically and objectively. If I am feeling guilty I try to ask myself, "Is this a sign that things are really out of whack or is this feeling just a symptom of a particularly busy day/week/month?" Then I act accordingly.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

FSE — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:08:45 GMT

I think the whole "working mom" vs "at-home mom" thing sets up a false dichotomy. You're a perfect example (as am I, and, actually, as are most moms I know)--most people don't spend every waking moment with their kids nor do they spend 60+ hours/week at work. It's somewhere in between. It's awesome to have both, and it allows you to appreciate both. Loving the time you spend with your kids and being so into your work/writing that you can really focus on it w/o missing them? You shouldn't feel guilty about that--what good parenting that is! Also, two and a half year olds are different from newborns. Man, spending every waking hour with toddlers is exhausting.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Melissa — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 12:29:38 GMT

I'm a full-time working mother, so I get roughly 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening to spend with my son Mon-Fri. On the weekends I have all day Saturday, because my partner works and usually most of the day on Sunday too. If I hit the lottery tomorrow and did not have to work, I would still work (though probably in a different career).

I love my son but I already devote most of my free time to him. And the time that I do spend with him is usually all about him (since he is a two-year-old and the planets revolve around him anyway). I don't feel guilty about working. I think he has thrived in day care. I think it makes us both better people. If you need time to write, you should take it.

re: My Writing Mother Guilt

Tanja — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 06:45:23 GMT

I totally understand your feelings! My son is currently only 3 and a half months old but I will be back at work soon, part-time. In a way I'm SO looking forward to it (imagine being able to sit in a chair and have a cup of coffee when I decide I want it...) but it's also really difficult to let him go and maybe miss out on his first... well, first anything. He also has some health issues that make it even worse (both the guilt and the wanting to be away sometimes).

I do feel lucky that here in the Netherlands it's normal for both men and women to work part time (my husband will be working 4 days and so will I) which means that at work I have many people to share any balance issues with.