Who says all fathers are incompetent?

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Lisa — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:28:57 GMT

My husband is completley uninvolved in parenting. He pays the bills and does sports...that is it! He does not talk to his children about anything other than sports. He never corrects, disciplines, teaches or trains them in any area of life...he is content to just pay for stuff. Now they are teens and they view him as weak, immature and incompetent as well...like an overgrown child with a man's age and responsibities, but much like a 12 year old with good intentions. For years I have tried to tell him that they needed him to be more than a provider and coach...he ignored this. Now they are teens. My daughter has turned out to be extremely well adjusted, capable and independent. I See my son struggle with his self esteem and the fact that he does not look up to or respect his dad...I think he is beginning to see that his father's absence as a parent and he feels hurt and cheated...now he sees his friend's fathers being parents and realizes his own dad is nothing more than an overgrown adolescent...it makes me very sad that fathers do not realize how much their children need and WANT them to be parents...not just providers.

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

gus — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 19:11:21 GMT

My wife and I both work and don't have any family in the area to fall back on, so we tag team on a lot of things, from making the run to the doctor's office with our girl to picking her up and dropping her off from daycare.

Sometimes, the feeling of "baby-sitting" your own kid comes when you're asked to pick up a part of the routine you're not used to. For instance, with me, I pick her up from daycare in the afternoon. My wife drops her off in the morning. The morning routine is more complicated (pack food, clothes, etc.) than the afternoon pickup (don't forget the baby!)

Periodically, I'll forget to do something and feel stupid.

Parenting after the first six months or so is all about routine and habit, for both your kid and you. The routine saves your mind and soul -- but change it up and you could look like a goofball, forgetful, clueless parent.

We should all be a little easier on each other. :-)

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Christine — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:01:04 GMT

Jane - Oh my Gosh - you are going thorugh what I am going through. I was three days at work, now they made me 5 days, or take a severance. So while everyone is telling me how "lucky" I am to have a , miss my kids.

Part of it is PPD (I had my 2nd kid, Rosemary, on 2/5) and the rest of it is that I never in my wildest dreams wanted to be a full-time working mom. It sucks. Many women have to do it, many women want to do it, but since I am neither of those women I am having such a hard time with it.

We managed fine with my part-time salary and my husband's full-time one, so I never had the desire to work full-time. Now that my part-time gig has been taken away from me, I crave for those days alone with my kids.

Jane, I battle with depression too, so that just add a lovely layer to my sleep-deprived dementia.

(NO, it is NOT a "raise," to the annoying HR rep since I work full-time now),

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

amanda — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:33:11 GMT

It drives me absolutely nuts when people use the word "babysitting" when talking about the father taking care of his children. NUTS, I tell you. I hear it from my family all the time - they tell me how lucky I am that my husband will change a diaper, feed my daughter, whatever. Never mind the fact that he is self-employed and his schedule is much more flexible than mine (I work full-time outside the home). Never mind that I still do the lion's share of child-rearing. Their top concern is whether he can handle the load he's carrying - and who cares that I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown half the time! In this day and age, when more often than not (at least in my area) both parents work, both parents should be doing (and expected to be doing) the child-rearing as well. Leave the babysitting for the 15-year-old down the street.

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Aunt Heidi — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:58:26 GMT

I've seen Alastair in action...and other then when he pushed me over the rocks into the lake when we were little kids...he's an excellent caregiver ;-)

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

April — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:30:09 GMT

I am glad I had twins. I think if I had just had one baby, that Micah would not have been very involved in that baby's life. Simply because I would not need his help as much. He is lazy by nature, so he only does something if he feels he HAS to do something. With twins though, he has been full on parenting since Day 1. He had no other choice. There are two babies and only one of me. He had no prior experience or knowledge of childcare before I had the boys. So I was wary of how he would handle it. He has done beautifully, better than I ever could have hoped for. :) Still I have to wonder if we just had 1 child if things would be different. I would like to think so.

He did not watch the babies alone much their first year of life. He just couldn't handle the pressure. I understand because two newborns is hard work. It would have been nice to get more alone time though. But once they turned a year old, he stepped up and never complains if I go out alone within reason. I am much happier that I can go out for 2 hours to meet a friend for lunch every once in a while.

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

winecat — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:31:10 GMT

Sitting here in the corner with no kids I've never understood how it is the men "babysit" their own children. Um, does that mean that fathers are not parents? Are their children created without their help therefore no responsibility is involved?

Speaking from the babysitter side I sat for a family for many years that even when Dad was home I was there. WTF?

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Lila — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 22:55:55 GMT

Along the lines of what Eva posted...

At our hospital's child birth class the teaching nurse asked, "What do you call it when Dad watches the baby?" A few young men muttered "babysitting". She sternly responded "No, it's called parenting." About 50% of the soon-to-be parents were surprised by her answer.

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Eva — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:47:21 GMT

The babysitting thing has always bothered me. I often get that if I show up at an evening event (which is rare). Is E. babysitting? I usually reply, no, it's called parenting. People also often say how lucky I am that he's an involved father. And I guess I am. But I like to think it's actually that other mothers are so very unlucky.

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

mama de marlie — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:28:53 GMT

wait, are we not supposed to put socks on their ears?

no really, i completely agree with this post. charlie is often more patient and reasonable than i am and handles a lot of the unpleasant parts of this parenting stuff. i'd say the only "traditional" part of the parenting thing that i do exclusively is be the one to set up the playdates. what're you all doing next wednesday?

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Dougie Fox — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:27:57 GMT

As a father, I've always strived to be only mildly incompetent, making sure I barely clear the bar of expectations.

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Melissa — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 09:33:16 GMT

Michael's father is fully as capable of taking care of him as I am. He may not do things the same way I do them, but why should he? I think a lot of women end up doing more of the hands on parenting than their husbands, and sometimes I do, too. But I can't imagine doing this without Marcus. We both fill in the gaps for each other.

re: Who says all fathers are incompetent?

Voice of Reason — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 05:28:19 GMT

Hear, hear!

My Mother-In-Law once told my husband that his brother was 'babysitting' - to which my lovely husband replied, 'Babysitting? Shouldn't he be at home with his own children?!'

I'm tired of men being run down for their parenting skills, when some of the best parents I know are men (my hubby is a perfect example). It's sexist, unfair and unfunny.