I’m all for the odd, the unusual and the offbeat. But some products, regardless of their intentions and motives just come off, well, creepy. Be it a realistic baby doll, a hair piece or an item representing poop, this list of items are ten of creepiest baby/kid toys out there.
1. (above) The subject of bodily functions is a wildly popular one for children of all ages, especially during that crucial potty training time when the notorious number one and number two are celebrated ad nauseam. Now is their chance to embrace the concept literally! The cuddly Pee and Poop Plush Dolls ($29.95 for the playset) bring waste elimination right into your little one’s arms. Urine and feces have never seemed so huggable.
2. Baby dolls can be incredibly disturbing especially when they're mistaken for the real thing. The Layla doll by Kymberli Durden ($32.50) takes the creepy to a whole new level. This lifelike doll is “a baby so real, you can actually feel her breathe”. Yes, the doll breathes. I’m getting the willies just thinking about it.
3. I like penguins, I like wind-ups toys, I like candy, but methinks I don’t cherish the thought of eating poop. This waddling Penguin Pooper ($4.99) takes the three afore mentioned elements and combines them all into walking, pooping, candy dispensing machine. I think now would be a good time to eliminate sugar from your kid’s diet.
4. Forget all the myths of “the stork brought you” or “we found you in a cabbage patch”, go directly to the truth with the Hubert the Sperm doll. A perfect way to introduce your child to the truth of their incarnation. Hubert the Sperm really does look happy doesn't he?
5. Is your baby folically challenged and you want them to bask in luxurious locks? Why not get them a Baby Toupee? Available in the always-stylish Donald Trump comb over, the Rasta dreads of “The Bob”, the flowing pink locks of “the Lil Kim” of the curly mop of “The Samuel L.”. ($19.99 each) Celebrity style for your little baldy.
6. There are oodles of aspirational toys for kids; fireman, doctor, ballerina. But have you thought of preparing your child for a career in crime? The Play Mobile people have just the thing with the Safe Crackers Set ($9.99 for the set) that includes two robbers (who look more like they should be in Ok Go), a safe, a suitcase of loot and the all-important blowtorch.
7. You know the “terrorists have won” when we start giving our kids toys like the Scan It Operation Checkpoint Airport Security Scanner. Nothing says “fun” more than detecting dangerous weapons and insuring safe air travel right? $29.95 for job training.
8. Put the “fun” into “funeral”! The Dead Bug Funeral Kit will engage your child with the grieving process. The kit comes with a Buggy Book of Eulogies (containing 15 speeches for an ant, bee, beetle, fly, grasshopper as well as ten others), a casket, grave market, Burial Scroll, white clay flower and a pouch of grass seeds to plant over the gravesite. May they rest in peace. $20 for one kit.
9. A baby sucking on a pacifier isn’t the most attractive of sights; now picture a baby suckling away with the addition of a big old penguin sticking out of their mouth as if they were in an avian lip lock. Wubbanub Penguin Pacificer (also available in Duck, Dog and Pony) 9.95 each.
10. When a doll talks, my mind always meanders to the classic Twilight Zone episode featuring Talky Tina, the evil living doll. So I come into this with a level of creepiness already associated with vocally gifted inanimate objects. The acclaimed artist Mike Kelley (his work has been shown at the MoMa, MOCA, LACMA and the Louvre and he did the cover of Sonic Youth’s album Dirty) has created this pillow sized cuddly creature called The Little Friend Talking Plush that speaks 20 phrases including such messages as “Do you really love me? and “Hurt Me, I don’t mind!”. $174.95 from KidRobot.
