For a gossip writer - or even just a super-keen gossip follower - blind items (so-called because the story keeps the reader 'blind' about the identity of the main characters) are like catnip. They are irresistible, they suck us in, and they get us all worked up, but usually with no pay-off. We almost never get confirmation of the real story behind a blind item: case in point is Ted Casablanca's infamous 'Toothy Tile,' the young male celebrity who won't come out of the closet, usually rumored to be Jake Gyllenhaal (sometimes Matthew McConaughey, tho' since he knocked a chick up that now seems doubtful), but forever unconfirmed. It's frustrating, because speculation about these stories is soooo much fun - but ultimately so unsatisfying because, well, we'll just never know if they're true.
HOWEVER. Casablanca's most recent blind item - a pretty gruesome story about a celebutard with a penchant for small dogs and a rumored inability to not, um, kill them - has the smell of a story that will (and should) soon go unblind, and so I must - I really must - cover it.
From Ted Casablanca:
Ellen DeGeneres’ canine catastrophe is chopped
liver compared to today’s Blind job. First off, our source is one of
the myriad personal employees reporting to one Slurpa Pop-Off, the bitch who serviced that dude in the bathroom of that Sunset Strip eatery, if you remember, and we’re sure you do.
Now,
many times our lady of the Slurpa has brought a brand-new pooch home as
a new pet, which she fawns all over until it dawns on the dummy she’s
now in charge of a living, breathing animal—and not a stuffed Pound
Puppy. And, gosh, responsibility is not our go-to
girl’s strong suit. Therefore, upon leaving her house, she often locks
these pups in one of her many closets, supposedly to prevent them from
making messies all over her expensive pad.
But, uh, sometimes SPO would be gone for hours...days...weeks...and not tell anybody
about the dog in its wardrobe dungeon. The animal’s existence would
simply slip from her mind! Oh, doesn’t that happen to everybody? While
cleaning the house, Pop-Off’s staff have—reportedly more than
once—opened a closet to discover a tiny, dead dog.
Beyond hideous. I swear, I may have to out this bitch. But Pop-Off’s employees just may have beaten moi to the punch, as animal services have been alerted.
Commenters on the post are divided between Slurpa Pop-Off being Britney Spears (citing Casablanca's claim that "responsibility is not (her) strong suit") and Paris Hilton (because, you know, she's Paris Hilton. And, also, Casablanca's trademark 'And It Ain'ts' clues seem to point more closely to Paris than Britney.)
If it's Britney, then, holy hell, it's way for the best that she doesn't have charge of her kids anymore. But I doubt that it is Britney. Sounds more like Paris. And if it is, wow: someone needs to make sure that she's on some seriously strong birth-control, because she should not have children left in her care. Or dogs. Or gerbils. Or ANYTHING with more life in it than a Bratz doll.
I'm just WAITING for this story to go unblind. (Please, Ted? Out her?)
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