If you haven't seen the Gene Simmons sex tape, please ensure your stomach is empty and your eyes are closed. I mean really.
Even the model he was collapsing upon turned her head when his giant freak head was coming at her to smooch. Gaggerific. How do I know this? Oh I watched it. Through my fingers and squinty eyes, I swallowed my gag reflex several times in order to serve you, the people. You're welcome.
Anyway, ol' Gene has issued a statement on his website:
"Hi everyone. You may have heard or seen garbage that has sprung up
from my past. Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all
ramifications and options.
"And us? Shannon, Nick and Soph are happy and healthy. All is well.
"And thank you all for the kind words of support."
Your past Gene? As in a few months ago? If this chick was much further back in the timeline, I'm pretty sure you'd be the one looking straight into the barrel of a legal team.
Kind words? Uh, Gene? You haven't been reading blogs, obviously. We're all sufficiently grossed out. Even my best friends who had a Foreigner song play at their wedding are going to get divorced and re-married just so they can lose the now tainted memory of their first dance. The only "support" I can offer is for you to buy your sad ass a Bowflex and maybe try this funny food called salad, because you are not going to burn more than 3 calories having sex like that. Dead people burn more calories. The sad thing is, you can't lose weight from that fat head of yours.
Dude. Be like Better Midler. She's best seen "From a Distance." Oh and there's that whole thing about her never having a camera on her while she's being a slave to a wang. I'm pretty sure your poor grissle missle is embarrassed for you.
