FameCrawler : celebrity drunkards

S-Fed Keeps It Straight, 4 Realz Y'all

Whit Honea — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 12:32:00 GMT

Sean Preston Federline, according to Us Weekly, hasn't been affected by his momma's crazy. They quote Britney Spears from her website "[I'm] feeling more at peace. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time."

I have no idea what that means. I'm not sure if Britney does either, or she might actually try to spend some time with them. Then again, maybe that peace comes for S-Fed when Mommy ain't around, in which case he does have that feeling all of the time. That's heads-up parenting right there.

Britney Spears is/has a Crazy Mother...

Whit Honea — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 21:03:00 GMT

According to AHN, Britney Spears is filing a restraining order against her mother. She is taking this step to keep her mom, Lynne, away from her two sons. She claims that her mother is abusing prescription pain medication and Britney doesn't want her spending time with her boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James.

This concerns me, because who would be with the boys then? I see hundreds of pictures of Britney every day, and do you know why we don't use them here at FameCrawler? Because she never has her kids with her. She has Uggs, nipples and big, stupid glasses, but no babies.

Not only is she mad at her mother for having an alleged problem, but she is deciding to shun her rather than take the steps to help her like Lynne and (gulp!) K-Fed did, sort of, when the tables were turned.

She blames her mom and K-Fed for putting her in rehab, yet she still lets her boys (and her girls too, nudge, nudge) go over to their daddy's place without concern. Which is, of course, concerning. As you can see, I have nothing but concern for this family. Actually, I really am concerned for the boys. I hope someone steps up and provides these kids some shelter and a bit of sanity.

The scary thing is I'm looking at you K-Fed.

Kerry Katona Makes Britney Look Tame (Who The F*** is Kerry Katona?)

BadKitty — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 16:22:00 GMT

Those Brits. They really have the edge on us with reality tv, and consequently on supplies of F-List celebs making a hash of their lives in public. News of the World brings us the latest sensational story, that of Kerry Katona who was seen by her friend/housekeeper Louise Oortywn sniffing "lines of coke when she was four months gone."

While not the superstar that Britney is, Kerry had some singing success with girl group Atomic Kitten (warning, the site loads playing a bloody awful song.) She had some husbands, a couple of kids, was named Celebrity Mum of the Year, 2002 and 2005, oh and she also enjoyed psycho drug binges with the kids around and even when pregnant. This totally blows away a little head shaving and snatch flashing. It clear that Brit needs to amp up her game. She needs to do it for her fame, but more importantly for the good old US of A. We can't get beat by these British bitches!

Naturally Kerry has a tragic past. She lost her own mum when she was young, was brought up by foster parents and went to several schools. Demonstrating surprising savvy, or at the behest of a canny business manager, she capitalized on this with a "deeply personal" book Kerry, Too Much, Too Young. On the cover she's a winsome brunette, proving that a little hair dye and soft focus photography can mask a multitude of sins.

For those of you wondering but too lazy to go to the NoTW story or Kerry's wiki page, the baby she was carrying during the drug binge was born early and small - five pounds. No word yet on what's wrong with it, but if the drug stories are true, you know there's a charity ball/foundation for some fetal alcohol/awful childhood disease in Kerry's future.

Kerry is the latest in Famecrawler's "Who The F*** is" series. Like earlier "honorees" Myleene Klaas and Katie Price, Kerry was on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, which is clearly a bigger deal in the UK than here. Kerry even won Season 3! And the similarities keep on coming. Guess who was also named Celebrity Mum of the Year 2007, beating out notables like Kate Moss, Jade Goody (probably our next Who The F*** ?) and That Dirty Whore Heather Mills. Drum roll...Jordan, aka Katie Price!

With all of this meta-connectivity, you know Kevin Bacon is just around the corner.

Photo credit: News of the World

A Fathers Day Miracle: David Hasselhoff Gets Full Custody Of Children

HerBadMother — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 20:30:00 GMT

David Hasslehoff has been awarded full custody of his two children, according to People.com.

This is great news, isn't it? You can drink yourself stupid in front of your kids and make them videotape it, make terrible music videos that feature you exhorting very young women to jump into your car, and just be a world-class creepy weirdo in general and still be declared fit to parent. You can be as strange and disturbing and devoid of taste and judgment as you like and the courts won't discriminate against you.

It's a great day in American justice, people. A great day.