I wish someone had taught me a Buddhist breathing mantra when I was 6. I had to be in my 40s to discover yoga. My son is only 16 months old, I have almost no experience being a parent yet. However, I remember being that kid who was anxious about a lot. I grew up with two parents; one was a manic/depressive who suffered from migraines, before there were all these fun medications for those things. At the age of 5 I was worried about EVERYTHING like what would happen to my brother and me if my parents died. You are right he is probably having some issues dealing with the new family dynamic. Even if things are good with the ex, it is weird for the kids. If he responds to your techniques, keep it up! I was a very verbal and introspective kid, and people talking things through with me helped. Finding that thing to do that distracts him from the worry of the moment and helps him feel the world is a safe and happy place is important.

Yeah, I'm so using that mantra--probably in the next five minutes, since the little one is choosing not to nap this afternoon...

Maybe your little guy feels like he's got to be on top of his game at school, so home is the place to let it all out. Maybe it's just a release of pressure? I'd reassure him that all is cool, and help him to get back into control. Sounds like you're doing the right thing so far!

I also think that Chet's moodiness has something to do with the different family dynamic he has. At that age, they're just starting to realize who they are OUTSIDE of the home, and that means a lot of social comparisons. Since he's a model student at school, he's probably pretty concerned about how his peers see him, and how he stands up when compared with them. Having a different family design is probably doing a number on him now when he realizes that his family is not the same as some of the others at school.

Try picking up a copy of The Family Book by Todd Parr (www.amazon.com/.../0316738964).

Just wait for when they hit their pre-teens and you'll hear "But so-and-so's dad doesn't make him/her do that!" ;)

Loving your blog, welcome to the neighbourhood!

My son is 20 months, my husband is 37, but both respond well to the bait-and-switch tactic when it comes to being irritable. So, good job on helping him ease on down.

As a social worker I've developed some pretty good assessment and interviewing techniques, (hardly foolproof though)and sometimes it helps to offer empathy and validation, THEN you might get the "why". For example, "Hey, looks like today's pretty tough for you, what's going on? You seem very frustrated to me." (keeping an easy tone of voice of course) People will usually 'fess up if they feel understood. Ahem. Usually.

Maybe he gets tired of being "silly and jokey" and people expecting him to be that way all of the time. Maybe he wants to talk about the divorce. Maybe he's being bullied. Maybe he  just wants Ava to brush her teeth. Beats the hell out of me. We all do the best we can with what we've got. Let him know that's all you expect of him too.

Sorry if I was preachy and lengthy. Er.

Peace

To follow on from Tracey's comment, I would add that maybe he really is struggling with emotions about seeing his mom for a while and then leaving.  My parents were divorced, and I often got really cranky and emotional after making the transition from my dad's (who I didn't live with full-time) to my mom's (who was the "safe" one to get angry with, because she was there full-time).  I didn't really understand my feelings until later, so I don't think I would have been able to talk about them.  I have no idea if any of this is true in Chet's case, but I thought I would mention it.  Basically, he may be feeling upset but not know why, and these "freakouts" may be his way of letting the emotion out.  Or not - this is just a thought!  

Check out the link in my name. It's to a Slate series by Michael Lewis called "Dad Again, Again." I really liked it because, like my children (girls 8 & 5) and yours, his kids will argue about ANYTHING at anytime. I swear, there is nothing they won't argue about and, in these articles the girls' mother is relatively preoccupied by childbirth, meaning that he's winging it.

....

"One evening it's just me and the little angels at the dinner table. ....I have just tried, and failed, to settle the 10th dispute of the evening—who will sit in which seat—with a coin flip. At first they loved this new approach to conflict resolution: It was fair, it was interesting, it was new. And then I pulled out the coin to flip it:

"I get to call it!"

"No, Quinn, shut up, I get to call it!"

And off they went again, at the tops of their lungs—which they will do, I now know, until Quinn clobbers Dixie with a hair brush or Dixie rakes her fingernails across Quinn's chest or some near-mortal wound is inflicted.

...."

I know that both of my girls are occasionally stricken with bouts where they really want to talk about the divorce and their feeling about me and there mom. Sometimes this desire is beneath their outbursts. Sometimes it isn't. I listen, affirm, reassure and move on. I give it as much attention as it requires, and not more. I don't try to distract them from  it.

Oh, and Tracey...

"My son is 20 months, my husband is 37, but both respond well to the bait-and-switch tactic when it comes to being irritable."

Don't patronize me. Why not take this to a mom's board where jokes at the expense of adult dads are "funny." Ha ha.

Dan, I certainly did not mean to be patronizing at all. I was attempting to share some truth with humor. And I assure you, my husband is laughing with me on this one. So, ease up.

In fact, if I had no respect for dads at all, this blog wouldn't interest me. I am very interested in Trey's situation and what it's like for single dads. I meet all kinds of people in my work and I'm always intrigued by groups, phenom, and scenarios that are socially relevant and on the rise in our culture.

My own husband is a successful attorney and when our son was born, he took paternity leave and stayed home with us. He is one of the most hands-on fathers I've ever seen and I'm lucky to be married to him. He's totally done the night shift alone since we quickly discovered that if I wake up once, I will not get back to sleep. I don't know another father who has done that.

He changes diapers, fixes lunches, takes him to day school, and even when we have routine check-ups with pediatrician, both of us usually show up unless there is a serious demand from work that prohibits this.

He is an amazing father and I am certain there are many others out there like him and in fact we know a few!

If my tone was patronizing, I assure it was not intended to be.

I sent your technique to a friend of mine who is also divorced and whose son also has "freakouts" from time to time.  She thought it was a great idea and she's going to try it.  

I think kids his age have a hard time identifying what exactly is setting them off.  Especially boys, who are sometimes less expressive than girls.  Hell, even we adults have a hard time figuring out what is really setting us off sometimes.

I love your Thich Nhat Hanh technique. I've been using The Secret with my kids. We watched the video together, and they liked it a lot. Whether it works, or whether they believe in it, doesn't matter - we just say "remember The Secret" and attitudes suddenly change.

If we all raise little Buddhas, the current generation of kids are going to be pretty awesome as adults.

There's a great mindful breathing kids book based on Thit Nhat Hanh's teachings. It's illustrated by Sister Susan and called Each Breath A Smile. We love it in our house.... There's also one about anger.... the website is www.parallax.org

I always remind my son that his feelings are valid and true but that he needs to find a healthy way to act them out... I usually ask him, "Are your actions resolving this issue? Is your (freak out) getting you what you want? What can you do for yourself to help this situation?"

My 6-year-old son has had a few similar breakdowns--interestingly, often to do with something his sister said or didn't say or did or didn't do.

For him, I seem to need to get him in a quiet space, away from whatever's freaking him out and hold him until he can stop crying and calmly explain to me what's going on. What's most difficult for me is validate his feelings while trying not to argue with him, because despite my desire to make them so, his feelings aren't logical.

I think it's something both your boy and mine will get through. Best of luck.

I feel ya. My now just seven year old does this and it is so dramatic. It shatters my heart into a million pieces, because his cries are so deep down from the toes of his soul sounding, so dark and inconsolable. His father refuses to see him, though he lives 3 blocks away and we see him constantly. This has been going on for years...and I too ascribe the more than usual seeming amount of insecurity and drama to this challenge. Daily, I just don't know...but I constantly remind him to stay in the moment and the he is the key to all there is in him...to never give up.

Thanks for your great writing. We are different genders but I so feel the sameness of the experience.

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.  My daughter is 4 & she freaks out if her legos aren't cooperating w/ her.  I, myself, am trying all these new things.  I like the Deep Breath In is calming, breath out smiling.  I think I'll try that.  The problem I have w/ my sassy girl is her MOUTH!!  She comes by it honestly, her dad's side ;0), & I don't want to quiet her, because I want her to speak her mind, but just not so nasty & w/ her tounge sticking out.  When I tell my Little Red Whirl Wind of Fury to settle down, she just looks at me like I'm on CRACK!  So now, I've resorted to being calm w/ her (I hate YELLING & it's not necessary) & just letting her know what I'm willing to put up w/ & what the consequences are when she doesn't listen.  It seems to be working.  Well see how 5 goes.  It's a day by day process.