You know father's day is next month.  

You're so bitter, it's annoying.  Stop whining and bragging how amazing you are as a single dad.  You chose to have kids, it didn't work out the way you expected, but it's been years, get over it.  There are millions single parents out there, it's a tough job, but you're self congratulatory tone is gross.

Pam - You don't get it. If Trey was a single mom, writing about how their dad didn't want to switch out custody to have his kids with him on father's day, would you really be calling her "whiney."

What if she flipped off a commercial extolling the virtues of great fathers when her kids' father was doing essentially nothing, and she had just spent the day running herself ragged keeping the kids and the household going--would you really characterize her portrayal of this situation as "self-congratulatory?"

Guys like Trey and I are EXTREMELY fortunate to have custody of our kids, and we know it. Most guys are lucky just to get the odd Saturday.

However, as single, involved dads we have practically no reference group and are essentially invisible to the larger population. When we are out and about with the kids, our public interactions always have an undertone that people are waiting for mommy to show up, or we are doing this to "help out" mommy... that somehow we're not the "real" parent. And being guys, we laugh this off, because, you know. Whatever.  But that doesn't mean that we don't feel it or notice it.

So yeah, sometimes it's nice to get a little pat on the back. I related completely to what Trey wrote and how he felt when he flipped off CNN.

But in a larger context, this little pat on the back in no way takes anything from the enormous numbers of single mothers who are getting it done day after day in similar fashion. We KNOW as well as anyone (and Trey says it repeatedly above) how hard it is to keep up. Mothers certainly deserve to be honored on mother's day - all mothers deserve the love and respect of their family.

That said, this Sunday I, like Trey, will be doing the mother's day stuff with the kids.

what is it about the human condition that makes so many people feel the need to bitch and moan about how they think other people are so self involved! Ugh Pam if you think his tone is so annoying DON'T READ HIS BLOG!!

Trey, I'm a mom and not even a single mom and I connected with much about this post today. I lost my mom at 20 and so I regularly flip off the TV at this time of year. I think it's great to have a day to honor our mother's but when you no longer have one it makes the day kind of sucky!

I can understand why Pam would react with criticism and annoyance to this post.  A pervasive theme in this series is Trey's unfaltering beleif that he should be congratulated for going above and beyond what is expected of the majority of father's in this country.  I'll say the same thing that I'd say to an adolescent demanding praise for being nice to her siblings-you don't get credit for doing what you should do, what is your responsability as a member of a family. I spy a bit of resentment when Trey recounts the commercial suggesting that families fall apart when Mom gets sick.  Perhaps he is a bit jealous of those Dads that are considered superheros for unloading the dishwasher six times a year afterall that's what being a good Dad in this country is.  If a man goes above and beyond-say decides to be custodial parent to his children when it becomes clear he can provide the more stable and nurturing environment then isn't he entitled to constant and unwavering admiration, maybe even a medal of honor to be presented each year on Mother's Day?  Although I enjoy reading Trey's blog it really gets on my nerves that he often details the trials, all of which any Mom single or not faces everyday day in day out and if she dares to complain or heavens forbid cancel just one playdate she gets judged from all the relentlessly selfless mothers out there who never let their kids watch TV, eat junk food, or sleep in their beds.  To say this politely as possible, although I think that ship has sailed, I don't think Trey's life is so hard.  Not compared to the millions of single Mom's and Dad's with little or no education struggling to make ends meet and nary the luxury of an hour of quiet let alone the time and resources to take a mini-vacation to L.A.  I like this blog and I won't stop reading it after today, but please Trey realize that after regalling us with tails of your connections to so and so movie producer, your hectic schedule as an ivy league prof, and peppering your blogs with excerpts of your published books you can't expect a lot of sympathy for what really amounts to just doing what as a responsible adult you are supposed to do.  

I'm not carrying water for Trey here. Really, I'm not. And this is a nice forum, so probably not the place for a gender-based back-and-forth discussion.

However, I see the attitude portrayed by Pam and academinx all over the internet on "parenting" (read "mommy") boards, where female parents have permission to talk about their daily struggles with children and spouses, and similar comments from male parents are greeted with, essentially: "man up, women do it everyday."

Here's an excerpt from another blog on this site:

"Well, I'm going to [complain] anyway. Because recently it feels like things have gotten a LOT harder. Having two mobile, basically non-verbal but very spirited 16-month-old daughters -- while wonderful in many ways -- is also freakin' EXHAUSTING. (Yes, this is going to be a post full of ALL CAPS.)

"Being at home is by far the most relaxed scenario…. But they also like climbing and riding on things, which requires assistance. They want to be read to, but rarely both from the same book at the same time. They fight over toys and hurt each other by accident. They're constantly hungry.

"Of course, hanging out flabby, boobless and exhausted in the yard is cake compared with actually trying to go out to, say, a playground alone with the girls. In that setting, at any given moment, it's pretty likely that I'm neglecting one of my children. I am that mom at the playground that you hate: the one who is nowhere to be found while her child is eating sand or whacking your baby on the head... leaving you morally obligated to rescue her. But it's not because I'm busy chatting on my cell phone or flirting with the cute dad by the swingset. It's because I'm chasing my other child, who is also eating sand, whacking someone on the head or climbing toward certain peril AND probably needs her nose wiped, too. I'm sorry. Forgive me."

And here are the comments she received:

- I feel your pain.

- Best of luck with it all and try to get help as much as you can in the next 2 years!

- I feel your pain... by 7 PM I am knackered to say the least.

- My son went through this same crazy stage of climbing on EVERYTHING and get into EVERYTHING during months 16-19.

- RIGHT THERE with ya, sister! This is why you're my hero...

- I know how you feel too.

- Thanks for the post.

- I have one and I am exhausted.

- Thank you for yet another wonderful post.

No one accused this blogger of being self-indulgent or praise seeking. No one told her, "it really gets on my nerves that [you] often detail the trials, all of which any Mom single or not faces everyday day in day out..... [Y]ou can't expect a lot of sympathy for what really amounts to just doing what as a responsible adult you are supposed to do."

So what's with all the hostility here? What would you expect a father to write about on a parenting site, if not the act of being a father? Why is it when a mother writes about the act of parenting she receives praise and support, but a father doing the same is perceived as "asking for sympathy?"

I personally would get right in there and flip off the television <i>with</i> you, Trey, for perpetuating the stereotype that "Mama does it all".  Let me tell you what: as a mother of a toddler and another on the way who also works and enjoys life, just as my husband does, I don't <I>want</i> to do it all!  I NEVER want to be solely in charge of the entire household, and my husband and I work <I>damn</i> hard to make certain we both shoulder the load.  I personally don't want to be given credit for something that I refuse to take on, simply because I'm the female!  

I liked Trey's last bit. I'm a new mom and I bitch all the time. This time 2 years ago I was reading US magazine and admiring my abs  while deciding which heels to buy for spring. Let Trey bitch. God knows we ladies do ALL the time.

I think you deserve to be celebrated every day for your role as a single parent! Have a great weekend and Mother's Day!

I have to say that I'm with Trey on this one: bitch away.  It's a hard job and Mother's day isn't making it easier, for any number of reasons.  hollie: I agree with your comment...and two years ago, I was self-involved, admiring MY abs and thinking about shoes too!  So Trey, as a single parent, good luck!  It's a balancing act all the damn time....

My husband and I are making a huge effort to spread out the workload too, especially since I gave birth 2 months into my final semester of law school.  While I finished up my last exam, a 7-hour take home, my husband stuck our 6-week-old in the wrap and took long walks between feedings, giving me nice 2-3 hour chunks to concentrate on my work.  While most of the mommies he met on the bike path behind our house were friendly, he got a lot of strange looks and people asking where the mommy was.  I completely understand why dads who do participate in their children's lives get a little bitter from time to time.  I think I deserve a high five for managing to finish up law school with a newborn at home, so why shouldn't my husband get a little praise for walking 12 miles with 12lbs of sleeping baby strapped to his chest?

My issue is not with a parent, dad or mom, complaining about the day to day challenges of parenting.   In fact I think it's healthy and entertaining to say it and to hear it.  There are other dad bloggers, past and present, on this site that do just that.  

My issue is with Trey's tone.  It feels to me that he has learned to communicate with women by being subtle about putting down his ex and  quietly boosting himself.  I think he's manipulative and has learned how to get women to fawn over him and praise him for doing things that are just his responsibility.  

His kids will read what he's publicly put out there about their mother, I find that so self serving and irresponsible.  A talented writer and a person with true character could be a good story teller, depicting the truth about the struggles of parenting without bashing their children's parent.

I admire when any parent makes the choice to actively work to be a good parent.  I know how hard that can be sometime.  I have no doubt that Trey is good parent.  His kids are very cute and I enjoy some of what I read here.  I also am increasingly aware of the self congratulatory tone of his writing.  He brags a lot and that's off putting.

Give Trey a break.  We all whine.  As we all know, being a parent is an extremely draining job.  We women get a free pass to whine and men are automatically censured for the same thing.  And guess what?  He's human too.  

I have a friend who is a single dad raising his daughter and I'm very proud of him!  And to tell the truth, as much as I had experience working and taking care of kids, now that I have a child of my own, I realize how hard he really had it!

Everyone is missing Pam's post, it's not about whining parenting being tough, of course everyone is entitled to that.

I think everyone is missing the point in Trey's blog. It *is* about him and his life. If you dont like it....

that apart - i enjoy reading it, I appreciate his view point. so if his ex wants the kids to see her pov - maybe she should get a blog. or maybe she should spend more time with them so that they dont believe all trey says, huh?

maybe kids shouldn't have to be subjected to a back and forth war of blogs, hopefully they have parents that are a bit more mature.

Hey Trey --

Thanks for sending your kids' mom a mother's day card.  

I'm not gonna get into the endless back-and-forth of bagging on you that is happening on this blog -- all parents work hard, our kids whine... so why shouldn't we sometimes?  

But at least you take some time to give a little back.  

(Insert whining here:)  I am hoping at the very most for a text message, thanking me for my single-mama efforts.  Cheers.

This blog is about Trey, and his experience as a single dad raising kids, and about his divorce and his life. I agree with the person who pointed out that if they don't like it they shouldn't read the blog.

Is there a double standard here? Woman who complain about their absent or lazy husbands are congratulated and cheered on.

And, while as a new mother this year I appreciate some recognition for all I do, Mother's Day can be an over-hyped, commercialized holiday with often far more expectations than Christmas. I spent many years as a waitress working Mother's Day and I have seen countless unhappy families suffering through terrible meals together out of obligation rather than love. How much money is generated from this holiday? It's no sin to not be into it.

I'm a mom who is fortunate enough to be married to a guy who cooks and cleans and does more of the child care than I do while I work. Supportive, hard working dads rule. Trey, I think you're entitled to your frustration and I think that you're doing a great job.

Isn't the point of Trey's blog that mothers are revered in a way that fathers generally are not?  In spite of supposed gender equality in our society, traditional models of parenting (mom doing most of the childcare and domestic chores, even if she works outside the home, and dad supporting the family financially with little involvement in details like grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.) abound in movies, advertising, etc.  I think Trey (and other single dads) might feel a little resentful of all of this focus on moms.  Fair enough.  This is a case of sexism which is harmful to both men and women.  It seems that Trey has just alluded to a personal aspect of a larger issue.    

I think the danger here is that Trey is not only alluded to a larger issue, but perhaps feeding into it.  

I too get offended by all the commercials and stupid magazine blurbs that suggest moms do all the work around the house while the guys sit around watching football. It's an insult to my husband AND to me when we try so hard to share the workload. Happy mom's day Trey!

I know for me Father's Day is a very rough time for myself and my daughters. I spend the entire week consoling my daughters for their lack of a father. With all of the activities at school and kids talking about their plans with their father's my kids are a mess. On top of that my father died when I was young so I too have many emotions of my own. It is hard to ignore and much more it is hard to see our children in pain. I am sure the whole day just brings many hard to deal with emotions to the surface. Mother's Day or Father's Day!!!

Meh, I think it's a little obvious that Trey isn't happy about the fact that his marriage fell apart and that he's a little angry at the ex for her part in it. Isn't that normal? Is it so bad to be pissed when your hopes are dashed like that?

And it seems that he is stuck with the hardest work in cleaning the mess up. He has to explain the complications of divorce and custody to his small kids while trying to put his own life back together and hopefully get all of them through it relatively unscathed.

And now he's facing the rocky terrain of dating and raising kids.

Male or female, that just sucks. And I'd be bitching plenty about it too.

I enjoy the blog. Keep it up Trey.    

Hugs your way Trey! I think everyone here should read BEDTIME STORIES! I love the playful and fun tone of the book and this blog and I applaud all hard-working Dads and Moms everywhere!  Trey, you've got my vote as a true Father of the Year!

I'm a single mom with 100% custody doing it all, so I can relate to Trey's post. Mother's Day commercials and stories make my stomach hurt and my mind reel. My son pines for his father, who he can only see from afar, while his father plays perfect metrosexual dad to the children he chooses to be with. Mother's Day and Father's Day are well intentioned days that can make wounds flare up in pain. Some bittersweet words and feelings are understandable. So many sides to the story...I definitely hear them...