Father of the Year

That would have freaked me out too, and I have one.  It's good that you have a woman around because I think there are just some things that you can't learn from the opposite sex.  I know many single moms out there have done it, but I'm glad Michael's father is around to explain those things to him when the time comes.  I'm sure I could explain to him clinically how his body works, but seriously, I don't know jack about what it feels like to be a man and why those things make you do what you do!

I was obsessed with american girl dolls too! My 9th birthday we went to an american girl place, and boy was I was in heaven. I think she will appreciate the book. I had it too. Best of luck!

Amanda

blah blah blah and Dr. Drew

Being a single dad with three boys (9, 6, & 3), I take pride in being able to handle them...for the most part (no one's a 100%). Batman, Star Wars and Tonka make it easy to connect.  

Now I'm getting 2 step daughters (6 & 4). Admittedly, it's a bigger adjustment than I figured... Hannah Montana, High School Musical and Care Bears, oh my! I'm getting the hang of, but I'm keeping a weary eye on the birthday ticker counting down to the age when "those books" will get cracked open.

And you don't even want to know my American Doll experience at their flagship store in Chicago during Christmas... let's just say it involved American Dolls dressed in cute litte riot gear outfits and ambulances waiting outside to transport fainting 7 year olds.

Your challenges in raising your daughter are not unlike what I would guess many single dads and gay dads struggle with.  What do you do when there is no mommy?  And I mean that in sense that she isn’t around on a daily basis.  In my case, I am sometimes uncertain that my partner and I should ever consider having a daughter through adoption since the only female in our house is a dog.  I appreciate your perspective in wanting to be everything to her and your willingness to let someone else step in.  Honestly, I don't know how any single Dad or gay Dad(s) could handle the real birds and bees issue without there being something lacking.  The flip side to all of this is your son.  In our case we are very aware of the fact that our son has limited interaction with women on a daily basis.  We are thankful for his day care provider—-she has been a wonderful teacher in all respects to him.  We also make sure he spends time with the women in our lives (close friends).  Since he is most likely going to establish long-term intimate relationships with women throughout his life, we two dads have to make sure that he doesn’t end up being completely clueless about them.  

Guys, there are too many of us females out here for your kids to escape our influence!

Anyway, as a hospice social worker I am frequently in the position of having difficult conversations that either I, or the patient, or patient's family, aren't quite sure how to manage.

In general, I take my lead from my client. If they're serious people who need to introspection and exploration of their feelings, we do that. If they tend to deal with real life by skating over the initial sting of tough topics with humor or brevity, then that's where we go. I think most people, big or small, can handle the tough stuff if the person bringing it is respectful and appropriate, and kind. If you're uncomfortable, let her know. "Hey, I'm new at this and I'll do my best and I want you to know that even though it makes me nervous too, this is just life stuff and we can deal together. It's ok and not as serious as all that."

And honestly, it's NOT as serious as all that. The serious stuff is about finding a partner who will treat you what you're worth, make you laugh, and love you in a real way. My mother told me about ovulation and periods and even had a book with illustrations, but she never said a word to me about how to demand respect and recognize real caring.

You guys will do just fine.    

I've been mulling this for a while. I have two girls but I'm not yet feeling any anxiety about having a same-sex adult for them to talk to as they hit puberty. First, there are women in their lives. Second, I feel pretty confident that I understand male and female plumbing, and I'm not embarrassed about discussing it in as much, or as little detail, as is appropriate.

But most important, I don't subscribe to the notion that "I don't know jack about what it feels like to be a man and why those things make you do what you do!" Obviously, I don't know what it feels like to be a women, but I certainly wouldn't presume that women have "things" that make them "do" things any more or less than men do.

I think Tracey really hit the nail on the head when she said: "The serious stuff is about finding a partner who will treat you what you're worth, make you laugh, and love you in a real way."  

In other words, I feel that as a parent I need to do my best to teach them the things about being an ADULT in adult relationships, and that these things cut across gender boundaries. They include: respecting oneself and others; managing strengths and vulnerabilities; dealing with disappointment and joy; being willing to give and to receive with generosity, truth, and faith; and, accepting the support of those who love you and caring for those who need your care.

I believe these issues don't have that much to do with plumbing.

Hey Dan, I was just responding with a bit of humor.  We can all teach our children to respect themselves and others.  

But I cannot tell my son how to deal with erections any more than you can offer suggestions on cramps and feminine products to your daughters.  I think we are dealing with the more physical issues here.

I'm not saying I can't talk to my son about his body or about life, love and relationships.  But when I do, I will be doing so from a female perspective.  He needs more than that.  Children need both perspectives.  

I'm going to play devil's advocate here: Do children really need both perspectives? I mean, really NEED them? I'm not sure they do. It might be ideal and preferable, and I guess in terms of modeling good relationships, two parents are best. Two parents are definitely preferable in terms of the division of work and simply being present as one of the people who made the decision to bring a child into the world.

But in terms of explaining life and answering questions and supporting a little person's journey to adulthood, I think it's entirely possible for one person, male or female, to do that. If I had to, I could explain the birds and the bees to my son, and I don't know why it makes much difference that I'm female. The facts of life are the same.

If we think about equality and humanity, we only create barriers in our own minds by chopping up roles into male and female, etc. We can always choose NOT to do that. And quite frankly I have always asserted that I am NOT a feminist because I don't want a bunch of other people (women), trying to explain to the world my "point of view". I am capable of doing that myself. I grow weary of the belief that men and women are so different that it is almost impossible to believe we are of the same species. It's a tedious way of seeing things and quite frankly, it isn't helping.

When asked, I say that I am a humanist. But even that is incorrect because I respect all living things and they aren't necessarily human.

I feel that it is best for kids to have both perspectives.  We don't "need" both anymore than we "need" both legs, both kidneys or both eyes.  We can get along with one or even none of these things.

I will defer to the opinion of those who grew up without a parent of the same sex and who didn't have anyone of the same gender to talk to.  They would really be the best people to offer their opinion.

I'm just saying that I'm glad my son has a man to talk to about his body and other things he will experience as he grows up.  And if his father weren't around, I'd want him to spend time with a man who could talk to him about things that maybe I wouldn't understand.  Not that I couldn't or wouldn't talk to him about his body during puberty, but his father is an excellent man and better qualified than me to talk about it.

You can be weary all you want, you can argue about how alike we all are, but if that were the case, why are there so many books on the subject and why are we even talking about it here?  Why does the Big Brother/Big Sister program exist?  Yeah, we need both perspectives.

I never said we're all alike. I said that it is our own decision to magnify differences. We don't have to do that if we don't want to. My son also has a man to talk to, but who knows? Maybe he'll talk to me anyway. I hope he talks to both of us, about anything. I don't need books to know that's what feels right to me.

On a creepy note. I was dragged to the Sex and the City movie tonight on opening night. (it was a circus and the movie was dull and long), but there was a lot of nudity and sex in the movie. As lights went up I saw a woman with her 12-13 year old son in tow. I was shocked. There is time for everything. I don't know why she felt this was an appropriate movie for a kid, but he was there with his Sour Patch candy in hand.  

Hey Trey--yeah, that book is great...if a bit vague.... Anyway, have you considered signing Ava up for Big Brothers Big Sisters? Yeah, the last thing you want is another thing to cram into her schedule, but it's supposed to work really well.

There is also some pretty liberal education going on in elementary schools now as far as sex and puberty go. My 12 year old cousin came home, talking about masturbation and blow jobs, and they even explained about homosexual sex and different positions. I'm sure the kid knows more than I do now! If they don't come to Ava's school, you can sign her up for one of the conferences (send a friend with her so she has someone to giggle with).

You're already supporting them so well emotionally, that she will adjust well to this change as well. It's just a matter of learning a bit more about the mechanics, and knowing how to not get sick or pregnant. She'll do fine. :)