Father of the Year

Trey, I love the piece in the Times. You SHOULD be very proud of it. I'm so glad that you and your Dad got the chance to get to the truth. That's what we all want...and that you had that opportunity is a blessing. It sounds like he was a good man, and he raised a good son.

Wow--I also thought it was you in a lab coat until I read the text.

It's a great essay.  I also read Bedtime Stories, so it was more of a reminder.  

My partner and I both sucked our thumbs until we were 5.  I breastfed Michael for 9 months and he sucked his thumb during and after breastfeeding.  So it's not a compensation for the breast.  I do think it's a habit that has to be broken at some point.

Trey,

It's been so wonderful learning about your little nuclear (and now-expanding) family during these last months. One word of caution - I think the readership knows about the circumstances which led to the current family formation and most of us understand it must have been devastating. The children are lovely and (thumbsucking notwithstanding) seem to be thriving under your care.

I fear though there is such a deep substrate of animosity and latent resentment toward your ex-wife - based on the frequency and hostility with which she is mentioned in this space - that you run the risk of torpedoing the nascent relationship with A. - or any other promising partner.

From your narrative, you seem like a good man and a fantastic father. I can't speak for the readership but I am deeply interested in your present and future - not so much the events of the past - although they are indisputably important.

The Time piece was wonderful. Thank you for sharing it, even if your family asked you not to. You are an amazing writer.

Just read your NYT piece.  You've had a difficult life.  I hadn't read any of your work before the blog, but I've been enjoying that.

Trey, I loved the excerpt  in the New York Times, and of course I am loving your book.  Thank you for giving me something so beautiful to read this morning, I cried with a cup of coffee and your words.

The thumb sucking is for self comfort and not much to do with the breast feeding, truly. He will outgrow it...it helps him to be comforted now...your ease, grace and patience about it is the best help you can give. hugs, Susan

I sucked my thumb till I was seven (and wasn't abandonned by my mom although you could argue emotionally I was) and the only way I stopped was cause the dentist decided to put a bar in my mouth preventing me from sticking my thumb in.

Where to begin?

1. Thumb sucking is a comfort thing- he'll quit on his own and I doubt he does it around his friends. This reemerging need for the thumb might be a heads-up that Chet needs some reassurance, maybe more one-on-one dad time, etc..he sees change on the horizon and doesn't know how it'll effect him.

2. I used to be dismissive of the old 70s songs and preferred to try and remain hip and cultured with other music. Now I listen to 70s music happily and I know the words to every song.

3. I turned 44 on Father's Day and so I remember the days when AIDS was a big secret, people were ashamed and Bush 1 told protesters at Kennebunkport to change their lifestyles if they didn't want to die. I knew a lot of young gay men who left small towns to escape the harassment and rejection and they were not careful when they united here in this medium sized city. Many of them died. I had a gay roommate that I loved dearly and he had HIV and never told me until I moved out. That hurt, but I know he was scared. Your father took a leap of faith and love by coming out to you and I'm so happy you embraced him.

4. As a hospice social worker I know how difficult it is to care for a dying family member. It is exhausting in every way imaginable. But what a gift of love. There is nothing more humbling and powerful than serving someone when they need you most. As strange as it may sound, dying can be a beautiful experience. To be at home, in your bed, secrets revealed, heart open, and the people you love most to hold you close, there is no better way to leave this mortal coil.

5. My father committed and it wrecked my mother and brother, so I must give you kudos for being amazingly resilient.

Maybe with A and the kids, it's your turn.

I've heard from several sources that the more attention you pay to thumb-sucking, the more a child will do it (esp. when not being watched.) I'd say just let it go and he'll probably stop on his own.

I used to be a thumb sucker, and I stopped on my own when I entered kindergarten (my mom says I wanted to do it to be a big girl).  My parents never made a big deal about it at all.

My cousin was a thumb sucker until he was 11 or 12.  My aunt was constantly nagging him, yelling at him, putting tape on his hands, soaking his hands in hot pepper sauce, vinegar, or soap.  

I'm no shrink, but I really think there is something to be said for ignoring it and letting him decide when to stop.

I used to worry that once I started humming along to supermarket music, it was a sign I was old. Well, I'm 44 now, and I'm humming along - and I kind of like it! Scary.

My daughter is 16 and she and her friends listen to 70's rock music all the time. It will never die.

Grade-school publishing parties are awesome.

That was a beautiful story, your father was a beautiful man, and you do look just like him. I can only believe that your children will benefit richly from the depth of experience and compassion you have. Your father would be so proud.