Father of the Year : single parent dating

A Fond Farewell

Trey — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 22:15:00 GMT

Well, this will be my last blog on Babble. I can't thank you all enough for caring enough to check in on the kids and me and to those of you who wrote comments, thank you so much for your sage advice. I've enjoyed filling you in on our comings and goings (although sweet A was less thrilled about how much I like to share). We're all doing so well together. Our families are blending together very nicely. Even little Chet is finally coming around (A made him his favorite vegetable, spinach, of all things, and he loved it.)

If you still want to check in on us you can reach me at treyellis.com.

And stay tuned for Bedtime Stories, the TV series coming from executive producer Chris Rock.

love,

Trey

Putting on the Ritz

Trey — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 01:55:00 GMT

There's nothing to make your heart explode in your chest like seeing your son in his first tux.

And your daughter her first time as a flower girl. My cousin Eileen just got married last weekend at a mansion off of Fifth Avenue (turned into her Catholic school). The kids fit right in with the painted ceilings and intricate woodwork. Chet danced up and down the massive marble staircase like one of the Nicholas Brothers in the 1930s.

At the reception I danced with all my girls, absolutely enveloped in love. By our side Chet did his Saturday Night Fever impersonation and he was pretty good at it too. It turns out that his 2nd grade class plays "freeze dance" every

Friday afternoon (if they've been good).

Back in the Thick of It

Trey — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 22:57:00 GMT

This was our first week with our new arrangement and all in all it's been going pretty well. The hardest part has been Chet. After a month in Georgia with his mother and grandmother it's been a little hard for him up here. He just said that the huge log home in the woods on a lake where they live is his real home. He's also been asking me, repeatedly, if I had to choose between A and him and his sister who would I pick.

I'm not sure how much of that is him just being a natural-born actor and how much of it is real. He is playful and wonderful around A and of course it's hard for him to believe me when I say that A and I are planning on being together forever. With Cristina, my previous girlfriend, who lived in Italy, the kids never had any real competition for my day-to-day affection. Now A is here half the week but she is a very steady presence in our lives so of course there will be some growing pains. It's just that my amazing little seven-yearp-old shoots off the hardest questions to answer.

Just the other day we were all having a great family dinner at a local diner when he asked, "If you and A break up will you get your keys back?" Yikes. But a little later he and I finished an intricate Mega Blocks (knockoff Lego's not nearly as good) medieval battlement diorama and he ran to show it off to her.

He's an expert at pushing my buttons but compounding things was what a new grad student of mine said in class. He was very close to his father until he turned six and his parents divorced and he remarried. I'm determined to keep my kids close to me AND my darling A. I'm greedy that way.

Any advice?

The Beginning of the Beginning

Trey — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 02:48:00 GMT

A huge week for us here. The kids, Ava and Chet finally came home! I missed them terribly. I hadn't seen them in two weeks. They're sleeping now. I worked them to the bone and they start school in two days poor things. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

A and I have been working at least twelve hours a day moving her stuff. Half of it goes to my place, the other half to Boston where she will be getting her Ph.D. in sociology three days a week. She'll be making the four hour drive twice a week to see us and to teach a college writing course. I know it sounds nuts but if anybody can pull it off she can. She's amazing.

So the crazy week last week began with us packing up her apartment. Then on Thursday night I moved the car for street cleaning around one in the morning. I had TiVod the Obama acceptance speech and was very fired up and also very tired. Anyway that's my excuse for having parked her car in a tow-away zone. The next day I picked up the UHaul while A taught back to back classes and then while I was moving her (with two paid helpers) she was racing around town on the eve of the Labor Day Weekend desperately trying to liberate her car. If she hadn't needed me to move her I think she would have chopped my head off.

I started loading the truck around 1pm, unloaded the stuff for our New York apartment around six pm and then A and I returned to her old place and finished moving the last little pieces around 1am. Then we were up again at 7:30 to drive to Boston through all the holiday traffic. She drove her car with baby M. I drove the 14' UHaul.

It was a thrill to see where she grew up; the sprawling house where she and her brothers were raised in an idyllic little semi rural town between Boston and Cape Cod. Her family took me candlepin bowling and we ate amazing fried chicken from the poultry farm just down the road. Then this morning I caught a 9am train back to Newark airport to pick up the kids coming from Atlanta. Before we got home I braced them for the huge mess and then bribed them with the promise of ice cream if they helped me put everything away. I would have loved to have waited for A and M on Thursday, to feather our nest together, but A will be so tired I think she'll appreciate that we've done most of the work without her.

I so want her, and little M, to truly feel that this is their home too.

Here is what the living room and kitchen look like now, thanks to my wonderful kids:

It was so lovely putting them to bed. I offered to sing them one of the songs I used to sing them when they were a little younger and they eagerly said yes. I can't tell you how grateful I am that they still wanted to hear me butcher James Taylor:

My New Family

Trey — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 01:58:00 GMT

I talk to my kids every day and saw them just last week but really, this month has been about getting to know M, A's amazing little girl. I find myself calling her "Ava" by mistake sometimes because her antics so bring me back to how my now ten-year-old used to be when she was just two. Here she is jumping on the Dora bed that I made her.

The other day the three of us had a wonderful evening going out to see James Brown's horn section playing a free concert outdoors at Lincoln Center. I didn't hear, but A overheard some ladies behind us murmuring about us. M looks Asian from her father's side, A is white and I'm black, so the two black women behind us were furiously trying to figure out who belonged to whom. The same thing happened to us at Ava's big birthday weekend sleepover. We had five girls, an assortment of hues and continents, and an old lady thought we were a low-rent Jolie and Pitt.

It's quite amazing how nosy people are. They will come right up and ask you if the kids are yours; who's the father, who's the mother. Of course I would love my kids whether they were genetically linked to me or not but I don't see how it is anybody's business but our own.

Has something like this ever happened to you?

Country Mouse/City Mouse

Trey — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 16:09:00 GMT

I flew down from Manhattan to celebrate Chet's actual 7th birthday with him down in Social Circle, GA, where he and Ava spend the month of August with their grandparents, my ex's mom and step dad and their cousins. My ex has also been living down there for the past two years, ever since I moved the kids to New York. I come for two days at Christmas and this year three days in the summer. These few days are the only time that the kids have their entire family all in one place. Two of the three cousins, pictured above, Athan and Jovan, are wonderful kids and probably Chet's best friends in the world. Chet, especially, adores it down there and said many times that his dream is for us all to move down there and live all together in this huge log cabin in the middle of the woods.

Though that is hardly my dream I have to say I love it down there too. It's so quiet, I routinely sleep ten hours a night. The lake is lovely. I saw a snowy egret patrolling the shore just the other day.

His birthday, Ava's and their grandma's all come in the summer so the grandma throws a huge summer celebration. Ava was her sous chef and made the caprese salad with cherry tomatoes fresh from the garden. There was also eggplant parmigiana with fresh garden eggplant, and melon right from the garden as well, plus hamburgers, chicken wings, rice, and for dessert an ice cream cake.

This is Chet's second birthday party. The first was at Dave & Buster's right after school let out with his school friends. Whenever the kids complain about how weird it is having a mom and dad in different states, I remind them that they are also lucky to have several birthday parties throughout the summer. Ava tried to complain about the celebration that it was too heavily weighted toward Chet until I reminded her that she already had two parties. The first one was a sleepover on Long Island, the second was in France.

For none of us is this the life we had expected, but it's usually pretty wonderful nonetheless.

I'm Such a Sap

Trey — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 01:57:00 GMT

I can't believe how clean their room is when they're not in it. And I can't believe how I much I miss those loud, (sometimes) pains in the asses. I'm having a deep and wonderful time here with just A and M and I'm spending some alone time just with M so A can write and that has been a treat, but I really, really miss my other kids too. I'm flying to Georgia on Tuesday for Chet's birthday and just can't wait to wrestle him, can't wait to squeeze Ava till she giggles. This is the only time of the year that I'm away from them so long and I know it's good for them to spend time with their mom and grandma and I know it's good for us three to get a little break from each other, but geez. It hurts.

We talk every day on the phone, Ava much more than Chet, who still does little more than parrot back to me what it was that I just told him. I can't help but think that eight years from now when she goes away to college I'm gonna be a wreck.

I've been thinking a lot about love and such these days and still can't believe that I'm surrounded by so much of it. I went out for a BNO the other night (which turned out to be us three guys staying in and watching Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo, one of the funniest comedies this year and one of the smartest political satires). My friend Mustapha asked me how I was doing. Without even thinking I replied, "Never better," and then had to smile. It's true. I feel surrounded by people that love me and for that I'm ridiculously lucky.

How about you? Any pithy revelations this summer?

Special Guest Blog from My Girlfriend

Trey — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 09:23:00 GMT

It’s hard to feel bad for your boyfriend when he’s vacationing in the south of France, without you. I know he is missing me as he lounges on the beach with the kids, but the swell of sympathy just isn’t there. Plus my daughter and I are staying in his apartment, and I just stumbled across an underwear-only picture of his last girlfriend who also happens to be vacationing in the south of France. Get this, she met T for coffee in NYC a couple of weeks ago (while I was watching the kids) and asked if he wanted to fool around. He says they’re friends and throwing away the picture seemed “mean.” Maybe I’m overly sensitive because cheating was involved in my divorce. But T and I both have ex partners who are in our lives because of our children- and I say, that’s enough- it’s crowded in here. Am I asking too much?

Do you have ex’s as friends?

T invited M and I to France but we couldn’t afford the airfare and I’m doubled up teaching (remedial writing classes) this month.. Usually I work a lot but squeeze it in throughout the day, teaching odd hours, writing odd hours (writing-for-hire of the parents and women’s mag elk), and eternally working toward this or that degree. Chet, Ava and “Ava’s Daddy” (as M calls him) have been great at distracting M so I’m not a one-woman show.. Now we miss them! M literally looks under objects in the apartment searching for Chet.

Since I also write for a living, you might think I’d understand T’s blogging, but I don’t. I write about my personal experiences in articles, but I pore over what to include, what to leave out. The blog feels more intimate and immediate, like a public diary, disclosing info before I do. For instance, my mom called to ask: “So you’re leaving hair in his bed. Is that a good idea?” I also don’t know how long he can keep up blogging about the kids. T recently unblocked the computer to give them access to more sites and Chet excitedly showed me the google results when he punched in his dad’s name. He also tried typing in: “Trey’s girlfriend.”

Surviving Birthdays and Packing Again

Trey — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 02:44:00 GMT

It feels like I haven't had a moment's rest since coming back from Ethiopia. Chet's party was the day after and then two days later I was driving Ava and three of her best friends to the Hamptons for a slumber party. Ava'd been planning this for at least ten months, ever since I'd told her that my Uncle Billy was kind enough to allow us to use his beach house whenever we wanted. I also hit him up to borrow his big Mercedes so the girls got chauffered out there in style. It was Radio Disney on the radio and Nanny McPhee on the portable DVD player in the back for three hours. A and her daughter M and Chet drove in A's car. I was still a bit off balance, remembering that just a few days before I was watching donkeys pass through a traffic jam in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. If it weren't for A's help and M being the cute mascot to all the little girls I'd never have made it. I was also still battling my GI tract. It felt like a rabid family of ferrets were wrestling inside my stomach. But Ava had a great time, the ice cream cake and the pizza and the beach were just perfect. I hope she remembers it for years to come.

Now back in the city for a few days we have to pack tomorrow for two weeks in France. I'm not thrilled with the idea of getting back on a plane but the kids have been looking forward to the trip for months.

With the dollar so low I was on the verge of cancelling the vacation and staying in the city but we're flying on miles and staying with friends in Paris and then in the same little village, Ramamtuelle, that I've been visiting for the last fifteen years. I love France but I have to say that here in New York it's magical as well. Tonight I took Ava and her two best friends, Chet, A and M to a little restaurant inside Riverside Park overlooking the Hudson. I treated myself to a margarita and black angus kebobs and corn and after dinner the kids played for hours on the gymnastic rings and by the time we were walking out of the park it was dusk and the fireflies were everywhere. The kids went nuts and capered after them, catching them in their hands, begging me to take them home. I'd heard that fireflies had returned to New York City but growing up here I'd never once seen one. When I was a kid the last place you wanted to be was inside a park after dark.

Who Do You Love More?

Trey — Fri, 16 May 2008 23:55:00 GMT

Chet, at least, is never one to beat around the bush. Ava can be more mysterious. A is my first full-time girlfriend since the kids were very, very little and in general we all get along as if we'd all grown up together but of course there have been some rough patches. They were suspicious about my "friend" A for a month or so before I fessed up and since then it's Chet, much more than Ava, who has asked the hard questions. You'd think it would be the opposite. I'm her Elvis. Whenever I'm in Ava's presence she can't go more than a few minutes without saying, "I love you, daddy" and throwing herself around my waist for a full-body hug. My slightest display of displeasure with her brings her to the brink of tears. And yet she genuinely seems to enjoy A's presence and her amazing little daughter. With A and her daughter around Ava is no longer the only girl in our boyish house. A answers Ava's burning questions about makeup and boys. Ava's never acted jealous of A even for a heartbeat. And believe me, she had before. Back when she was five she would conveniently throw herself all over me the moment I sat down to flirt with any cute mom in the park. It was hilarious how she'd pick that exact moment to play with my hair, lovingly strangle me and kiss me.

Chet has been asking more pointed questions about A from the beginning but yesterday he took it to a new level. Chet, Ava and I were walking home from school yesterday when Chet said, "Who do you love more, A or us?" I immediately answered, "you guys," instead of going into a discourse on the difference between philia, agape and eros; that is, familial, spiritual and sexual love. I knew he needed only the simple answer. This was no time for one of my many daily sermons. Then he said this:

"If you had to kill one of us, who would you kill?"

"CHET!" howled Ava. "Why are you so stupid!"

"Don't call your brother stupid, but Chet, I'm not killing anybody, what are you talking about?"

"Yeah, Chet. What are you talking about?"

"Ava. I'll handle it."

I'm glad he felt secure enough in asking. I'm glad to know exactly what's on his mind and of course I realize that this blending of our two families will have to go slowly. He's great with A in person. He really is. She turned him on to her favorite film, "The Karate Kid," and now it's his favorite too.

We're all off to Atlantic City tomorrow to see Chris Rock and then Philadelphia where I'll be on a panel at the Philadelphia Book Fair. This will be our first weekend adventure together.

Wish us luck.