Father of the Year - All Comments

re: Surviving Birthdays and Packing Again

Melissa — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:33:02 GMT

We had fireflies in the Bronx! Glad you're seeing the beauty of New York. Manhattan is a cool place to live.

Sounds like the girls had a great time! Radio Disney AND Nanny McPhee!

re: Surviving Birthdays and Packing Again

AngelB — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 04:23:57 GMT

Enjoy a beautfiul vacation in France! You're making special memories that you, Chet and Ava will always carry in your hearts. Yay for A and M! You all make a grand family! Happy Independence Day to you and all!

re: Surviving Birthdays and Packing Again

Jen — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:43:03 GMT

C'est la vie...Sounds like perfection.

re: Back from Ethiopia

EmmaVT — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 13:14:23 GMT

Thanks for the great photos- that is not how I would have pictured urban Ethiopia- very interesting. That is one of those countries where people, even in poorer circumstances, are universally attractive...I wonder what it is with those places? I call your little foreign travel affliction the "cha chas" as it seems so much more festive.

re: Back from Ethiopia

amandashea17 — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 18:41:17 GMT

Cool. I think I'm going to go there for my 21st birthday because all my friends say its a great place to go!

re: Back from Ethiopia

Melissa — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 01:00:56 GMT

Ever the world traveler! Good luck, hope your intestinal disorder clears and you get a chance to enjoy (tolerate?) the festivities.

Amandashea17: Kids can go to D&B too, but I think only up to a certain time of night...

re: Back from Ethiopia

Trey — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 00:58:39 GMT

Dave & Busters is full of kids in the daytime. It's got a mix of kiddie games and teen games and adult trivia games. It's also about the noisiest place on the planet.

re: Back from Ethiopia

Gracie5 — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:29:15 GMT

Welcome back, and thanks for posting the photos of Ethiopia! I've never been there, but I have come back from developing countries with a little souvenir similar to yours. It's all part of it, I'm afraid.

Good luck with the weekend!

re: Back from Ethiopia

amandashea17 — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:03:48 GMT

Isn't D&B 18+ thus for adults?

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Dan S. — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 12:18:13 GMT

I can't IMAGINE a context in which Sarah statement could be consider "facetious." It's a big internet Sarah - why not take that crap somewhere else.

And thanks Trey for another excellent post. It reminds me again of how very fortunate I am to have the custody agreement that I have.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Gracie5 — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 12:16:36 GMT

In light of Sarah's "comment," I am wondering if it is possible to delete things from these boards, or to report inappropriate statements. Babble?

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

Elizabeth — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:11:55 GMT

That was a beautiful story, your father was a beautiful man, and you do look just like him. I can only believe that your children will benefit richly from the depth of experience and compassion you have. Your father would be so proud.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Tracey — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 03:06:29 GMT

Sarah, are you being facetious, or what? If you aren't, then I urge you to please S.T.F.U.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Sarah — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 21:02:21 GMT

it always comes down to race... all black people really need to grow up and remember they were slaves 50 years ago.

Cry me a river.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

froggemom — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:49:57 GMT

Part of the problem might also be that men are still socialized to think that they can only be real men and fathers by being the breadwinner. In many communities in this country it is near impossible for a young black man to find a decent paying job due to any number of factors (lack of education, lack of opportunity, etc.) So in some instances maybe the men just give up, rather be a no-show than a less-than dad.

And I think it also has to do with expectations. Much like what Chris Rock and others have pointed out, an adult is supposed to take care of his responsibilities and his children. So why do we women/mothers accept less? And why do we so often focus on financial contributions, which is only a small fraction of what children need from their fathers?

And shame on all the women who use their children to get back at their ex's.

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

dadshouse — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:07:55 GMT

I used to worry that once I started humming along to supermarket music, it was a sign I was old. Well, I'm 44 now, and I'm humming along - and I kind of like it! Scary.

My daughter is 16 and she and her friends listen to 70's rock music all the time. It will never die.

Grade-school publishing parties are awesome.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Melissa — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:06:16 GMT

This subject is so complex that it would take a whole book to sort it out; maybe a 10 volume set.

I think that a lot of neglectful fathers, particularly the young ones, are probably kids who haven't been fathered themselves. Thus they don't have a clue when they become fathers.

I personally know a lot of families where there is a continuing cycle of teen pregnancy. Most teenagers are not equipped to maintain a lasting relationship with each other, much less raise a child.

There are a lot of women who take out their frustration on their children's father(s), which is wrong. There are women who get pregnant by men who weren't good for them in the first place and then are mad when the inevitable happens.

I also know a lot of men who wanted to be part of their children(s) lives and were prevented by doing so by the mothers. The laws regarding child support are grossly unfair in this country. Those fathers that are paying child support have no tax relief; they are subject to the whims of the mother as to whether they can claim a child(ren). They have basically no recourse if the mother decides to relocate and not inform them. I know fathers who have paid child support for years and have not seen their child in years.

I could go on and on, but this isn't my blog.

The fathers that don't do what they are supposed to do really make it rough on those that love and take care of their kids.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

MB — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:55:35 GMT

interesting post!

one thing that stands out for me is how the default picture on each comment is a smiling white baby .. how about a little diversity, Babble?

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

PGG — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:53:14 GMT

I used to be a thumb sucker, and I stopped on my own when I entered kindergarten (my mom says I wanted to do it to be a big girl). My parents never made a big deal about it at all.

My cousin was a thumb sucker until he was 11 or 12. My aunt was constantly nagging him, yelling at him, putting tape on his hands, soaking his hands in hot pepper sauce, vinegar, or soap.

I'm no shrink, but I really think there is something to be said for ignoring it and letting him decide when to stop.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

EG — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:39:25 GMT

Alicia, my perception is that Obama, Cosby, and Rock are all targeting black men because they ARE black men. One might say if we don't help ourselves, who will help us? And "help" will include constructive criticism.

The key now, to Trey's point, is to make sure we're being constructive.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Tracey — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:23:02 GMT

Ha! In our house it is not uncommon for one of us to tell the other when whining about what we've done during the course of a day, "What? You want a cookie? You're SUPPOSED to do those things!" and we usually crack up. I like Chris Rock and I understand Alicia's point of view to an extent. I think it's important to look at things a little more broadly than Cosby does, but the crux of his opinions do hold some water and include not just black men, but any parent who does not step up and raise their kids.

My job takes me to a very small, rural town here in SC and I was heartbroken the other when I visited one of my families. The 23 year old daughter and her father fight to the point that she's hospitalized him and been in prison and the police were called the night before. This woman has already had one child taken from her, and the two boys in her custody are not being treated well, according to their grandmother, my patient. One son is only a month or so younger than my own son and the differences are startling and depressing. This child can't talk, he's hardly socialized at all,he can't name anyone's names, or his body parts, animals, nothing. He is likely borderline in IQ and his mogther is on the phone constantly and will even take a nap with her door closed, leaving him unattended for very long periods of time.

I begged his grandmother to advocate for those kids and do her best to keep them safe and make them feel loved.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

CF — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:12:43 GMT

Thanks for a great post on an important (and controversial) subject. I think this issue mirrors how we as a country approach so many (some would say all) issues. We don't look for the causes of the problem, we simply look for a scapegoat and move on. I wonder when the day will come that we can consider preventing a problem, instead of reacting to it. I guess, in this case, if we looked beyond the issue of absentee fathers we might have to acknowledge that blame for this problem can be spread around to quite a few more people.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Alicia — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 12:09:18 GMT

I am always offended by generalized comments that peg one race or another in a certain light. Too be sure there are dead beat fathers among black men, but this is true of every race. I see more good fathers of every race than bad ones and I say this as a mother whose own children have a deadbeat for a father. It's his loss.

As for Obama's speech, this is the second time I have been disappointed with his comments about blacks - the first being his popeye's chicken comment in Atlanta a while ago. I and every other black person I know have sworn off Chris Rock, Cosby, and the like for their comments on blacks - and Obama should hesitate before aligning himself with the likes of these men. The cultural problem of deadbeat dads is not a racial one - its a sad one.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 06:09:50 GMT

It absolutely kills me when I see women who will use their children to punish their exes. It's a thought process that I simply cannot understand. My daughter's dad and I haven't been together since she was born but he's been a fixture in our life regardless of our relationship status. He is her father and I would never stand in the way of their relationship. I can absolutely understand going to the courts for the men that want nothing to do with their own flesh and blood, but to hurt the good men, who love their children and want nothing more than to be fathers to them, I just don't get it. When it comes to your children, you have to look past your own hurt to do what is best for your kids. As long as my daughter's dad does right by my little girl, I'll never try and harm their relationship. I simply wish that more women would stand by the good dads and not intentionally try to hurt them. There are plenty of irresponsible dads for them to fight against.

re: Obama's Father's Day Speech

Ron — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 01:40:14 GMT

I don't think the issues mentioned in your post could have been conveyed any better. As a divorced dad with three sons who's mother has vowed to "punish me" by doing nothing to foster a relationship with them, I retain a high degree of sensitivity to, not just absentee fathers, but uninvolved ones as well. Now, remarried and a step-dad of two girls, I watch in frustration as my wife goes above and beyond in her efforts to gain even the smallest amount of interest by her ex-husband in his daughters. To be allowed the same level of virtually unlimited access to my boys would be a proverbial and literal dream for me. As the father, I feel there is little faith I can place in the courts to be of any relief in the matter, yet there are so many poor fathers out there, it’s understandably difficult for the courts to maintain any sort of consistent objectivity.

I agree on the demonization by the courts and the harsher perceptions of black fathers. While I was reading, the thought occurred to me how white dads are guilty of the same transgression attributed to blacks, and yet they enjoy a reprieve from those opinions because they are white. The bottom line is our children look to us in order to gain an image of who a man should be in all the roles we live out regardless of demographics, and it's this thought that both scares and inspires me. It's all about taking responsibility.

Thanks again for a great post.

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

Kate — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 16:17:29 GMT

I've heard from several sources that the more attention you pay to thumb-sucking, the more a child will do it (esp. when not being watched.) I'd say just let it go and he'll probably stop on his own.

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

Tracey — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:50:33 GMT

Where to begin?

1. Thumb sucking is a comfort thing- he'll quit on his own and I doubt he does it around his friends. This reemerging need for the thumb might be a heads-up that Chet needs some reassurance, maybe more one-on-one dad time, etc..he sees change on the horizon and doesn't know how it'll effect him.

2. I used to be dismissive of the old 70s songs and preferred to try and remain hip and cultured with other music. Now I listen to 70s music happily and I know the words to every song.

3. I turned 44 on Father's Day and so I remember the days when AIDS was a big secret, people were ashamed and Bush 1 told protesters at Kennebunkport to change their lifestyles if they didn't want to die. I knew a lot of young gay men who left small towns to escape the harassment and rejection and they were not careful when they united here in this medium sized city. Many of them died. I had a gay roommate that I loved dearly and he had HIV and never told me until I moved out. That hurt, but I know he was scared. Your father took a leap of faith and love by coming out to you and I'm so happy you embraced him.

4. As a hospice social worker I know how difficult it is to care for a dying family member. It is exhausting in every way imaginable. But what a gift of love. There is nothing more humbling and powerful than serving someone when they need you most. As strange as it may sound, dying can be a beautiful experience. To be at home, in your bed, secrets revealed, heart open, and the people you love most to hold you close, there is no better way to leave this mortal coil.

5. My father committed and it wrecked my mother and brother, so I must give you kudos for being amazingly resilient.

Maybe with A and the kids, it's your turn.

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

Hope — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:45:59 GMT

I sucked my thumb till I was seven (and wasn't abandonned by my mom although you could argue emotionally I was) and the only way I stopped was cause the dentist decided to put a bar in my mouth preventing me from sticking my thumb in.

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

Susan B. — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:49:16 GMT

The thumb sucking is for self comfort and not much to do with the breast feeding, truly. He will outgrow it...it helps him to be comforted now...your ease, grace and patience about it is the best help you can give. hugs, Susan

re: Being a Dad Turns You into a Wuss

Megg — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:00:09 GMT

Trey, I loved the excerpt in the New York Times, and of course I am loving your book. Thank you for giving me something so beautiful to read this morning, I cried with a cup of coffee and your words.