Back in the Thick of It

re: Back in the Thick of It

Trey — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:37:33 GMT

Great suggestions from everyone. Thanks a lot. I have told Chet that while A, M and Ava are out pampering themselves just the two of us will go out and do something fun. A just arrived and so far Chet's doing a better.

re: Back in the Thick of It

Lin — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 23:05:20 GMT

I don't think its greedy at all to want to have your family together and happy! Divorce can do a number on kids, and it seems to affect the youngest child most obviously.

My parents split when I was 10 and my brother was 8. He immediately became really hard to handle, acting out a lot, arguing with my new step-parents, moving from house to house, etc. I internalized things a lot more (ended up with depression & anxiety). I'm currently in my last year of college, my bro just started. Both of us have lived on our own for years now and are in long-term, happy, relationships. Of course we are a different set of kids than your two, but we turned out just fine.

What helped me most as a kid was to know that despite what else was going on with my parents, they wanted ME. They wanted my time and my insights and my attention. Saying little things like "I thought about you at work today when..." or "Your sister told me you've been practicing riding your bike really fast. Want to race?" It really helps to know that you add a key element to your parent's world.

My biggest complaint with having step sibings was being forced to babysit or clean up after them. It sucks. And it makes you bitter. Try to avoid sticking them with that job if you can!

(PS: Loved the book, loving the blog)

re: Back in the Thick of It

jen — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 07:04:35 GMT

One other to point out that's obvious, but sometimes when someone says it, you have that "oh, yeah" moment. With A and her daughter in the picture and sharing your home, the gender split has shifted - instead of you and Chet being 2 guys "against" one girl (not that we view it that way, but a 7 year old might), he's now outnumbered (and so are you, for that matter!) No matter how much he may adore A and her daughter and no matter how great a sibling relationship he has with your daughter, the dynamic has shifted and he's sure to be feeling that, but probably not able to express it.

I agree with everyone else - continue spending that quality time together, but maybe stress that you two need "guy time" to help him continue to identify with you and not feel lost in a sea of gals.

Best wishes - am loving your "new" family!

re: Back in the Thick of It

mombo — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 22:48:11 GMT

It almost sounds like he's playing a game of "What if?" As in, What if things don't work out? Will I still be OK? I think that very matter-of-fact answers would be the appropriate response. (Kind of like that post you made a while back about the art exhibit that was somewhat shocking.) Don't let him see you get your buttons pushed, just answer. I know my daughter went through a phase when she'd ask things like, "What if I don't wake up in the morning because I die in my sleep?" (Totally out of the blue). We just tried to be gently reassuring.

As for the house in the woods--maybe he is a country boy. Maybe when he's an adult, he'll opt for living in a more rural setting. When he brings that up, let it be a launching pad for where YOU thought you might live when you were a kid. On the moon? Near an ocean? In a house with lots of windows? There are lots of ways to spin things so that it seems like you're interested in his point of view.

Just my two cents.

re: Back in the Thick of It

Tracey — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 20:05:25 GMT

I think that in the past I suggested some one on one guy time with Chet. I'm going to suggest that again. It's quite possible that with all of the changes, and people coming in and out of your lives, Chet is feeling anxious about his place in your world and the world. Maybe he liked being in the country because it was quieter and slower and seemed more stable to him?

Maybe take an hour a week or so to do something with just you and Chet, so he can feel who you are without other distractions and activities. Kids adapt quickly, but it's also good for them to have some routine and some things that they know they can fall back on when they feel pressed and anxious. Chet seems to want to be able to fall back on you, maybe a little time with him will let him know you get it.

I don't know.

re: Back in the Thick of It

Marie Eve — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:05:14 GMT

Of course a few bumps on the road were expected... It's not the first time you hint that Chet has a little bit of a hard time readjusting after spending some time with his mom and then abruptly not seeing her anymore... My two-cents is he's not reacting to your new "arrangement" as much as to the difficult situation of not having his mom around much.

I think you're doing a great job, hang on, things will eventually fall back into place. Good luck anyway!

re: Back in the Thick of It

Adina — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 03:53:58 GMT

Perhaps this is stating the obvious, but make sure you continue to make one-on-one time with Ava and Chet, even with all the new pressures on your time. Also, make changes as incremental as possible. I wasn't living with my dad after my parents divorced, but it felt like my step-mom's existence changed *everything*. As a kid, you can feel pretty powerless.

On the other hand, having witnessed how things have gone down with my mom and step-sister, do make sure your kids have an opportunity to really bond with A in their own way, and really present a united front when it comes to discipline and rules. My step-dad (bless him), is a real softie, and that caused problems for all when my mom felt like she was being undermined.

A tough balance to be sure, and worth checking in with both kids and A to see how everyone's doing.

Good luck!