A Girl Grows In Brooklyn

I don't care much what others think about my parenting style, either, though I find I am secretly very judgmental about that of others.  The reason I don't care is (and for once I'm not kidding), I secretly think I am right and they are all wrong.  I know that's awful...

Peter - first, thanks for the comment and for your honesty.  We all judge -- it's hard not to.  But this weekend I reached the limit when my normally great sleepin'/great eatin' wouldn't do either.  I suddenly got v. nervous about her naps - how would our sitter handle her?  Then I realized, why am I worried about what the sitter thinks?  I know my kid, and maybe she needs to nap near me for awhile.  And that's when the floodgates opened and I realized that I really need to just concentrate on my kid -- not anybody elses'. I think I always knew that, but now I really feel it, if that makes any sense.

I suspect that the close quarters of Park Slope, where other people and their kids are everywhere all the time, contributes to these feelings of inadequacy.  It's very hard not to compare yourself to those around you.  For me, the big issue is not so much naps or eating, but cleanliness.  It just seems like, whenever I visit someone else's place, it is completely orderly.  Toys are in fashionable little baskets, dishes are washed and out of sight, there are no visible dust bunnies or piles of 6-month-old junk mail.  Our place is such a disaster area in comparison.  But you're right -- why should I care?

Actually, this sense of compare and contrast may be part of the impluse leading so many people to do parenting blogs and online forums of one kind or the other, in the first place. It serves at once as a confessional and a celebration. With the distance of the Internet keeping it all safe.

The blogger basically confesses to something that's true but people don't generally admit socially, and then everyone can console each other about it in the comments. Yes, we all do this and all feel that way. We need the affirmation, and get it through the blogger's risktaking.

The problem, of course, is when the blogger either fesses up to something that others aren't ready to fess up to, or fesses up to something that others really don't do at all. Then, instead of all the commiseration emerging, the awful negative stuff comes up. How could you think/do/act that way???!!!  You're not giving innoculations? You're doing home schooling? You're moving to Raratonga? How WRONG! I hate you! You have contradicted my own choices to an extent I cannot tolerate!

And at the heart of all the heatedness that sometimes comes up around parent blog posts (and it's more than I've witnessed around almost any topic except, maybe, religion) is the desperate need for us parents to feel absolved of guilt by a jury of our peers. And this only feels real if, occasionally, someone gets really really slammed hard with a verdict of guilt.

Well, I think the ability to rise up above this need - while still being able to take support and advice from others when you need it - is a totally healthy thing for writers, readers, parents, and children alike. It's not a retreat into the "I'm gonna parent this way so f--- you!" stance, but rather an acceptance of the fact that parenting is a whole set of personal choices and different things work better for different parents and babies.

Ferber really is wrong for some parent-child combinations, and really right for others; just as having a babysitter is crucial for people who will resent their kids if they can't maintain some semblance of their jobs. For some, breastfeeding for five minutes is right, for others, five years. None of these things are compromises, any more than life itself is a compromise.

They just are what they are or, in the parlance of this column, it just is.

You rock. Good for you. I'm learning how not to care, too. Mainly because it's exhausting to care and it's absolutley a waste of time. I  think because people are so open nowadays (online and off) people are more open to judging and being brutally honest and even mean.

What happened to the good old white lies? Have we become so obsessed with honesty that we are isolating ourselves? I watch women at the playground, all in armor, and I wonder.

GGC and Barbara, I am such a lurker at both your blogs (even though I HATE that label) and I have been loving the stuff you guys write lately. I always do, but have been really commiserating and finding myself nodding as I read. I'm nuts.

I have recently decided to STOP reading 5 different books with 5 different opinions of how to raise my kid. If he needs to start the night in his crib, then move into my bed, and nap on my lap for 2 hours during the day and I don't want to give him rice cereal yet, dammit, and yes I do nurse him to sleep EVERY TIME and yes, that may be the case for the next year....phew....it's too much. It's so exhausting.

It's unreasonable for me to look outside of my little family unit for answers to situations that are specific to us, our baby and his personality. I read the blogs for inspiration and laughs and I think sometimes the confessionals can be refreshing. I do get inspiration and I think there is something honest and lovely about you two women. Sorry to include GGC on your blog, Barbara, but I'm suddenly on a roll.

Sorry to ramble, but I guess my point is, well done. That's all. It is what it is! Hm...brilliant.

erica - thanks for that.  and you're right to stop reading the books.  you know your kid, and you WILL figure it out.  i'm glad that reading us makes you laugh - that's what it is all about, i think.

What cured my super-sensitivity to other people's comments on my mothering choices was having another kid.(I don't recommend this solution for everyone!) With a newborn and a 22month old, I no longer gave a shit if people were tsk-tsking at my jarred babyfood, family bed sleeping arrangement, and disposable diapers.

And I found that the number of "helpful" comments diminished, probably because one look at me in all my sleep-deprived, hormone-driven glory, and people made the smarter(and safer) choice of silence.

I remember when I first realized that worrying about what others think impeded my effectiveness as a mother. I think it took me longer than two yeras for it to sink in.

David

hi semen =)

this is for you my friend =)

hi semen =)

this is for you my friend =)