It's preschool interview day!  Time to do your tricks, kid.  Three half days at $783,000 a semester shall be yours if you do.  Shine!  Shine!  Shine for Mommy, ok?

We arrive at 1:00PM, the universal nap time for 99.9% of toddlers.  Since the nap would invariably be skipped, I picked up a latte for her (don't worry, with soy milk, silly!) and a handful of wasabi peas (nothing keeps a kid awake like horseradish!)   She drank her beverage while the ABCs were cranked on her Ipod.  Can't have her messing up that alphabet, can we?  Mamie finished her snack just as I got done applying her eye makeup.  I adjusted her crinoline and then our names were called.

You're on, kiddo!  Tap it out, baby!

I heard my daughter say, "this is a piece of cake, Mom," only she said it in Portuguese so the teacher wouldn't catch on.  She was asked to draw a flower and seemed puzzled at first, then inquired "Monet or Van Gogh ?"(pronouncing the hard "gh" sound.)  The teacher seemed taken aback so she drew both and then watercolored them appropriately while lecturing on the importance of wearing an absorbent diaper when working with H2O.  When it came time to dance for the teacher, she did a swingy charleston before her Alvin AIley inspired interpretation of "Elmo's Potty Time" (simulated both poop and pee.)   She ended with jazz hands.

The teacher seemed mildly impressed yet asked "Is that all she can do?"   As I attempted to answer her query Mamie changed into another getup and recited Shakespeare.  Backwards.  While hopping.  "The quality of mercy is not strained..."

Next, her vocabulary was tested.   When asked how she was today, she answered "tumescent" as her molars were coming in and causing swelling.  When asked what she dined on last night, she replied "I cooked ratatouille and lamb shank.  Would you like some, I have a platter for you in my Dora backpack."  After pooping on command in the shape of the Virgin Mary, we were asked to leave.   On our way out, I asked the director how we did. 

"So - So," she said.  "She really should incorporate some fire dancing into her floor show."  Point taken!

With that, we headed home.  The caffeine buzz has all but faded and my child was asleep in her stroller, clutching her blanket and teddy bear.  God, I hope that normal child behavior doesn't ruin her chances of getting in.  Wish us luck!