NOTE FROM KATIE: Since posting this last week, I've had several people ask me whether it's okay to congratulate us on the pregnancy, since we remain a bit nervous about it. Absolutely yes :-) We are happy, and hopeful, and are trying to assume that all will go wonderfully. I am feeling good, and thus far, all signs are positive. Well wishes welcome!
Common wisom says that no one can be "a little bit pregnant." You either are, or you aren't. But for those of us who have the bad fortune to have miscarried repeatedly, we know this just isn't true. You certainly can be kinda, sorta pregnant. And that's what I am right now. I am in that exhausting, anxiety-provoking phase between the positive home pregnancy test (YAY!) and the unfortunately named "viability scan" ultrasound, which will take place at my perinatologist's office in about two weeks.
This is a highly personal topic, and I'm not entirely comfortable blogging about it. I did already touch on the issue, recently opening up about the fact that I've had trouble carrying a pregnancy past the first trimester. And after I wrote about my own health problem - and that's what it is - I received so many e-mails from women dealing with the same thing who thanked me for being honest about this sensitive topic that I've decided to stick my neck out even further, and share this next part of my journey. I hope that telling my story in an open way helps other women going through the same thing. Because this is tough, and those of us who have experienced it can maybe support each other and demystify it, and make it easier for others who are also living through this desperate, Googling-madness phase of an early, tentative pregnancy-following-loss.
With my first pregnancy, almost two decades ago, I never even saw the doctor until near the very end of the first trimester. I certainly never had a routine ultrasound until maybe well into the second trimester. And between the day of the positive home test and the first doctor visit, it never occurred to me to wonder whether the pregnancy was real, or whether it would "stick." I was pregnant. Plain and simple. Now, however, the positive home test is followed almost immediately by trips every two to three days to the high risk OB, where I have blood drawn so the doctor can follow my (hopefullly) rising HCG and progesterone levels.
At least, that's what we are supposed to see. HCG, in case you've never had the pleasure of obsessively researching it on the Web, is the yes-you're-pregnant hormone that is supposed to double every 48-72 hours in the first weeks of pregnancy. If it does, it's an excellent sign - though not comletely predictive in and of itself. If it does not, the odds are poor for a successful pregnancy. Progesterone should be at a heightened level as well. Most doctors like to see it at 20 or above in the first trimester. So since getting the positive home test a few weeks ago, I've been stuck repeatedly by the bloodsucking needle at the doctor's office, and so far, so good. HCG is rising appropriately. Progesterone is, as the enthusiastic nurse at the doc's office said on the phone Friday, "kickass good this time!" And I am sleepy. Very sleepy. Plus, Jon could fill you in on how my emotions are all over the place for the past several weeks. So I should be relieved, right? These are clearly symptoms. There is every reason to expect that I am thoroughly pregnant, and we will welcome a baby - our last - home in the summer of 2009.
But then the doubt begins to set in. My HCG numbers are normal, but they are in the low end of the normal range. What could this mean? I feel a little twinge in my lower back. Could that be a bad sign? And I am steeling myself emotionally for the day when we go to the doc's office for the scan, at which time the kind ultrasound tech will turn to us to give us the bad news we've come to expect: "I'm sorry, but this isn't a viable pregnancy."
We've told the kids the closest thing to the truth in our situation: that our family will find out in a few weeks whether we are expecting a baby sister or brother. For them, and everyone else, that's a simple enough approach. Just wait and see and deal with whatever we find out. Try not to worry about it before then. Reasonable enough.
But for me, the one who has to live with being a little bit pregnant in the interim, it's not a lot of fun. And that's an understatement!
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