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I very much wanted a child, and went through a lot of trouble to have one. But I don't agree with this post for two reasons. First, children can complicate your old age in many ways if they turn out to need help managing their lives. Second, I don't want (and don't expect) my child to reciprocate my caregiving today with taking care of me in the future. I'd rather she passed on that debt to a future generation.

Unfortunately, however, there is also no guarantee one's children will be there to take care of us when we are old - children often live far away from their families these days due to careers and other responsibilities. We all need to consider our community to be more than just our kin.

The notion that my children would care for me in my old age was a complete non factor in why I chose to have them.  I still don't have that expectation for them - the last thing I want is to be a burden on them.  Sure I want to have a close relationship with them forevermore, but I want them to live their own lives and stop in for dinner to tell me about all their adventures from time to time.  Toby is right - one's community should be comprised of more than just kinfolk.  In fact I think (from observation and experience) that most people are connected to others.  

Personally, I'm looking forward to being a burden on my children.

I love being childless by choice. Having a child/children is no guarentee they will take care of an elderly parent. I remain in Knoxville because I like it here and my parents are here and need my help. (My brother dropped out of sight). When I used to visit a friend in assisted living, there were many, many residents who never received visitors, including those who had children living in town. I'm not worried about my senior years sans children. I have multiple retirement accounts in anticipation of hiring cabs for transportation and home health care workers. If I'm lonely and friendless, that's my own fault.

Oh, this is SO me.  I have no children, by choice (I'd be a terrible parent), and my sister and I are looking after our memory-impaired mother.  As a result of doing a lot of thinking about this very issue, I've come to several tentative conclusions:

1. Our current warehousing model for intergenerational care and support cannot survive as baby-boomers age.  The crisis will force us to find something different and more fulfilling.

2. There is increasing tension between baby boomers' desire for "freedom" and the pull of responsibility of caring for elder relatives.  Sometimes people tell me no parent would ever want to "burden" a child with that -- that parenting is supposed to set children free as strong adults -- and yet I know I and many other boomer children want to embrace that responsibility and we feel guilty about not being able to do more without sacrificing things like careers and income. It's a tough call, and I'm reassured by Jane Gross' excellent New Old Age blog on the New York Times Web site where she says that no matter what you choose, you'll always feel like you chose wrong.  Absolutely true.

3. Since Ronald Reagan and the 1980s there has been a societal trend away from "community," and toward more emphasis on individual fulfillment -- gated communities, big houses on bigger lots with lots of space between "neighbors," no sidewalks, no downtowns, atomized transportation, all that stuff.  We all thought at the time this was a good thing, but I see increasing evidence that we're beginning to understand we're missing something important: the chance to see, interact with, and support each other, including people who are different from us whether it's economically different, of a different generation, or whatever.

4. That yearning, ultimately, I believe will be what saves us.  Intentional communities have already started forming around things like elder care and mutual support. The possible upside of high gas prices might mean that families may start to remain closer to each other geographically.  Technology is enabling much more virtual working.  All good things.

5. Fortunately, the Millennials seem to realize the importance of community and connection, and will undoubtedly, as with many other things, wind up showing us new ways to re-establish that.  I look forward to it.

Um...as a longtime reader of yours, who also happens to have no children, this was quite a downer to wake up to. Thanks! You titled this post the "pros and cons", but it seems a lot more focused on the cons. I guess the pros are obvious, but still. Are you practicing on applying pressure to your own kids to have children or something? (My dad had a similar speech for me recently...how original). Geez, I don't harsh on you for your choice to have a large family. Well, at least you were generous enough to deign to speak to an old childless person (was this the first?), even though they're not related to you. Is it the term "childfree" that bothers you, because it implies the person is happy with their choice? Did you consider the "childless" when you wrote this (i.e., those trying desperately to have even one child, or never able to have any, or had a child who died)? Maybe you should consider that some of those people may move on to accept their circumstances and want to live a full life, without constant regret and misery (and having parents rub it in their faces), and use the term childfree to describe themselves instead to be more positive about it. I could write forever about all the "cons" to parenting....a big one being that it's so expensive that increases the likelihood that the parent will become a burden on their kids in their old age. With a growing number of CF/CL people out there, perhaps we can look out for each other in our old age.

Wow, I have to say that I really disagree with your post.  While I agree that yes, some people DO end up alone in old age, it's not limited to the childfree.  There are many people who have children who end up alone, either because of distance or because they bring it on themselves (picking fights with relatives, bad mouthing relatives, constantly being in a bad mood, making family feel guilty for not calling more than once a week, etc.)

Fear of being alone in old age is NO REASON TO HAVE CHILDREN!!!!!  It's one of the most selfish reasons I've ever heard.  Having children is just about the most selfish thing that a human can do because of the reasons, but this tops it.  The ONLY reason you should have a child is because you want to be a parent, not to fulfill some future, anticipated need.  How unfair to your children is it to expect them to take care of you?  Yes, you cared for them in their infancy, but that was YOUR CHOICE.  You give them opportunities so that they can make their own lives when they grow up.  I know this is not your opinion, but I don't want to grow old and become a burden on someone who feels obligated to take care of me.

I know a woman who is 65 and who never married or had children, and all she does is travel.  She has so many friends all over the world that she is overwhelmed with invitations to visit.  My great-grandfather, who had two children and five grandchildren (and lived with his daughter and her family) did nothing but travel the world the last 10 years of his life, spending only a few weeks a year at home.  Like the woman I was talking about, he had so many friends that it wouldn't have made a difference if he had children or not.  He lived a very fulfilling life by following his dream of traveling in his retirement years.

So it really depends on WHO you are, and what you choose to do with your life.  If you're lonely in old age, it's probably because you didn't make the effort to have quality friendships or develop lasting interests.  Children should have nothing to do with your loneliness.  Do you really want to be a bitter old lady when your kids decide to move to another country or need to focus on their own children?

The bottom line is, your post, like many of the opinions parents have of the childfree, is condescending.  It assumes that one's life cannot possibly be fulfilling unless one has a child.  That the CF are missing out on so much, or that we're immature, irresponsible, lonely, regretful, and sad.

But you know what?  Even if I do get lonely in old age and regret not having children, it's a heck of a lot better than being a parent lonely in old age and regretting having children.

One more thing...after reading this I can't help but wonder how parents of special needs or disabled kids who will never be able to care for themselves, much less their aging parent, would feel after reading your post. They'll have quite a situation on their hands, with two generations needing care from someone (gasp!) possibly outside their family, but I don't see your in-depth analysis on that sort of outcome to having kids.  

I have one child (and even though I thought I was over, I'm now weighing whether or not having another), but for a long time I didn't want any, and I fully understand and support people who make this choice. It has to be viewed as a viable option in our society, but it's often not. Then again, only children are also viewed negatively, and so are large families, so how can you win?  

I have to agree with several commenters though: I think you'd better not have children if your main reason for having some is so that they could they care of you.

And children can also be a burden: my in-laws have to take care of their 35 year-old handicapped daughter, who has the mind of a 5 year-old. They're not getting any younger and every year we sense it's becoming more difficult for them. All I'm thinking is that it's not going to be long until the babydaddy and I have three people to take care of (which we'll do, of course). But I don't think this is how my in-laws imagined their retirement would be.

Though I usually appreciate your commentary on child-rearing and particularly on educating those same children, I find this article selfish and short-sighted.  My grandmother is 90 years old and despite myriad health problems, lives independently in an apartment.  She lives independently not because she has no one willing to care for her, but because she chooses to fight to take care of herself.  She has constant companionship from her neighbors, her dozens of nieces and nephews, and of course, her seven children.  I see her as living proof that your argument about children doesn't hold water, when my grandmother is only one of many elderly Americans who have (thankfully) many choices for successfully facing aging and poor health.

The notion of having children so that they may care for you in old age seems like fear-mongering to me.  Exchange of freedom for security, even, depending on your outlook on child-rearing.

I normally really enjoy your columns, but I have to agree with the many other commenters who felt that this post missed the mark.  I've been struggling with infertility for years, and am losing hope that I'll ever be able to conceive naturally.  Obviously we are looking into adoption, but there are no guarantees.  To me, this post seemed really insensitive.  It's great that you have such a big family, but there are many of us who have not been so fortunate. I suppose your blog isn't directed to people like me, though.  I'll certainly bear that in mind in the future.  

I don't think anyone plans on having children so that they will have someone to care for them when they are old, but you can't deny that it is one of the benefits of having family.  More than just having someone to physically care for you, though, is having people around you with whom you share love and memories.  Yes, you can be a great person and have a ton of friends, but usually, your friends are your contemporaries and they are all dying off as well by the time you are old.  I'm not PLANNING on being a "burden" on my children, but I would certainly expect that if I needed them they would WANT to take care of me, just like my mother gladly took care of my grandmother until she died last year.  I think Katie is making the point that you shouldn't decide definitively not to have kids based on the way you feel right now without at least visualizing what your future will be if you choose not to have them.

How disappointing would it be if you do have children and they don't take care of you in your old age? Or heaven forbid they leave this earth before you do?  There are no guarantees in life.  You may hope not to be alone but there is no insurance policy against it.

Is there something bothering you today? because your posts usually seem a little more inclusive/enlightened/realistic/pragmatic.  But I'll still keep reading.  Everyone's entitled to an off-day.

I have friends who want children, but cannot have them, and others who are childless by choice. Obviously, wanting children and being unable to have them is heartbreaking and I don't think you were discussing them in your post. I have adult children and hope I am not a burden to them ever. But, if I need them, I am confident they will be there to help me. My childless-by-choice friends have talked about the fact that they will not have children to help them if they become old and infirm or to visit them when/if they are housebound and lonely. No one should be criticized for choosing not to have children. They should be respected for that choice and having the strength to do what is right for them in spite of pressure to further populate the world. I agree with your post.

True that Bostonmama-  I have a 72 yr old co-worker (with heart problems) who has to work, can not retire because both sons are addicted to drugs/alcohol, and he has to support them AND their children!    

This article was certainly thought-provoking!  Even though it definitely offended me (but apology accepted, dude.  I will keep reading!), it got me thinking about this idea of children-as-future-caretakers in the gay community, where being childfree is certainly not the only option, but I'd wager it's more common than in the straight community (I'm basing this unfounded assumption on my gay friends and family members, of whom only one couple has children).  This article seems like it might be reason #1786 why a gay lifestyle is more challenging in our country than a straight one. Hopefully this discussion will help me be more aware and supportive of all of my childless friends as we plan for our future and inevitable, eventual decline.  Not that fun to think about, but important...yikes.

My mother is mentally ill, I believe, and was quite abusive to me when I was growing up. That coupled with many of her intolerant attitudes today doesn't endear me towards spending time together. I have no plans to care for her in her old age and would not expect her to care for me should I become disabled or otherwise need it. Also, I have no expectations at all to inherit anything from her estate. I wonder how many "kids" care for parents out of an expectation that they will inherit?

Family is no guarantee. My mother managed to alienate nearly all of hers and having a dozen children wouldn't have improved her odds with the behavior she exhibited.

Just me, but I'd rather live a chaotic-free, rather relaxing, pleasant life and perhaps spend my time alone when I am older, than have many kids, a lot of stress and worries.  Not that childless folks don't worry, but I see how many of my friends who are having their 3rd child and are struggling to pay the bills and buy simple things like groceries.  That's just me though.  Also, I have 1 child, so like where do I stand in this whole thing?    

There is much made about the elderly/infirm being able to stay in their own homes. That's great for some, but it's isolating for others. Sometimes moving to an assisted living facility (not a nursing home) provides an opportunity to make new friends and engage in organized group activities. There are so many factors that can influence the quality of life of an older person, many having nothing to do with children. If anyone has questions, please consult your local Office of Aging office.

I didn't read all the responses, but I will say right here I fully expect my kid to take care of me no matter where he lives.  My parents took care of my grandparents and I will take care of them.  That's what family does.  I have never understood how people can distance themselves from their parents like that, except maybe in the case of severe mistreatment.  This is what life is about.  Whether that means taking care of them at home, or in a facility, if it means moving them closer to me or me moving closer to them, there is no way I would not take care of my parents, my older sisters, their kids, etc.  That is how I intend to raise my son.  Hopefully he will continue the tradition.

I'm childfree by choice - and I know it is the right choice for me.  I don't think I have what it takes to be a mom - and that includes the desire to be one.

And you're right - getting older is something I worry about a lot.  My own family takes care of my grandmother, and I am starting to help with my father-in-law's care; I expect to help my mother and father more and more through the years.  Is concern about my future a reason to have kids? Abso-effing-lutely not! But you are right that it does make one consider having to go it alone perhaps a lot sooner than one might as a parent (who might not realize the kids won't help until its too late.)

Just to offer my thoughts here-And Absolutely no offense meant to anyone!  

I don't think anyone has kids strictly as a means of supporting themselves in old age-that's just a side benefit.  Which may or may not be available, depending on your children!  But it is something to consider....My grandmother cared for many people in her lifetime.  Her seven kids, distant relatives who needed help, her mother in old age, her mother-in-law (who she did not get along with at all)among others.  And at the end of her life, one child moved back home to take care of her and the others took turns helping or bringing her to their homes for short periods.  She talked about NEVER wanting to go to a nursing home.  

I think she set a good example, one I took to heart.  You take care of your own.  It's just what you do, part of being in a family.  I watched my husband's grandmother get put in a nursing home and I know that is the absolute last place I would ever want to be.  I'm sure there are some lovely caring nursing homes, but it's not what I would ever want.  I am hoping that my children will understand that caring for people who are unable to care for themselves is just part of life.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but at the same time, if I had to be cared for, I would prefer it to be given by a family member.    The elderly are sort of put out of sight, tucked away in nursing homes.  Again, just my thoughts here, but I think we as as a culture should make an effort to change the way we view the elderly.  Not sure what the solution would be exactly-making sure we visit our own family members in a home or even those we know don't have any family to visit.....ommunity service programs that send people to volunteer in nursing homes?  Programs that bring the elderly out-to speak in schools, or just out in the community?  It's a shame that we lose out on their stories and wisdom this way.  

(that was my sister posting above from my computer - she's been visiting and apparently doesn't understand what "log out" of my account means. Gah. I, myself, do have kids.  And I love them. But heck, it's an interesting point. :) )

The dream of many people who have children is that "they will come home to take care of us."  For most people, that is all that it remains - a dream.  Do you hear about more about the people who visit their mum and pop in a nursing home or other retirement facility?  No.  What you hear, more often than not is "Oh, I haven't seen Johnny in over a year" or "Suzie hasn't come by in ages."  In the days when it was socially accepted to that three or more generations would live in the same household, and people didn't move across countries, or even to other countries, on a regular basis, such things are permissible.  however, the general attitude of people today, be it good or bad, is that peopel will move as they need to, in order to keep or get better jobs, to enjoy life while they can.  

Do I agree with this? No.  However, I will not be one to tell other people how to live their life.  I am a 42 year old man, and one of those people that will never have children (by choice).  My wife and I plan for our future, by saving money so that we will not HAVE to "throw the dice" and hope that children may, if they want to, if they can afford, if they get fit it into their schedule, if they are still in the vicinity, help take care of mum and pop.  Anyone who depends on their children being around is living  with his/her head in the clouds.  Sad state of affairs? Yes.  The truth in the here and now? Yes.  This is not the days of the Waltons, and we're not in Kansas anymore.

Leahsmom, thank you for clearing that up.  I was going to ask why you called yourself leahsmom if you didn't have or want kids!  Especially because I thought I had read your postings here about being a mom before.  But you're right- your sister's point is interesting.  :)

Thanks for the apology Katie. Thanks for hearing me, and understanding. I feel bad for getting my hackles up on your blog. It's your blog, and I'm just here because I like your writing, and usually am in staunch agreement with you. When I started reading your blog, I actually was semi-intending to have at least one kid. If I did, I'm sure I'd love them dearly, and would even be the attachment parenting sort of parent (hence my interest in your blog also). After some thinking, I'm realizing my reaction to this post has as much to do with my own fears about the future. The thing is, I decided that was not a good enough reason for me to get myself and my husband into a financial situation we could not well-afford, and a responsibility that doesn't make sense for us, with our situation and health (there are a variety of reasons). It's a decision that's taken a long time for me to get to, and maybe I will have doubts or regrets occasionally in life. But that would happen either way I go, because I did not have a huge desire to raise kids. I'm not against going into some sort of assisted or communal living if I end up needing that. I hope that by the time I reach that point, the options will have gotten better, and we'll have less and less of the traditional "nursing" homes that are so unpleasant. I think if the environment was right, I would be quite happy living among my peers. I have never never understood why, with all those other people around, assisting living situations are thought of as such lonely places. My grandmother seemed to have a wonderful time at hers, going to activities, having a late-in-life love affair, and sharing meals with her friends.

A CF friend wrote a great article addressing this exact issue, and came to quite the opposite conclusion as you, so I wanted to share it:

www.thechildfreelife.com/.../110-what-about-old-age

This is also a good site to learn and talk more about childfree people and their concerns, if anyone is interested. Thanks for listening.

After reading all the comments, I just have this to add.  First, thanks to notamom for being honest.  I think that a lot of the backlash here is people's own fears and maybe a little doubt about their decisions.  

Also, if thinking your kids are going to take care of you is living with your head in the clouds, so is thinking that if you just save up enough money some institution is going to take good care of you.  You may not have all your faculties.  They will take all of your money and if no one is around to watch out and advocate for you, who knows how you will be treated.  If you have people not related to you who care enough to look out for you in that situation, then guess what?  That's family.

Katie shouldn't have to apologize or walk on eggshells for sharing her experience.

Well, I guess there's nothin' like laying a huge guilt trip on your kids. I don't expect my children to feel obligated to take care of me when I can't. That's a sure way to be hugely disapointed in old age.

Yeah, but how many people have kids who don't care about them and let the nursing home steal their money anyway?  There are NO GUARANTEES in life - about anything!  I'd rather make my own future than depend on someone else to make it for me!

I am ChildFree, by choice, due to several reasons. I enjoy kids but do not want to be a parent. I also have some health issues which make pregnancy dangerous for me and for a developing fetus. Therefore, I choose not to take that risk. According to this article this means that I am doomed to loneliness and a horrible old-age filled with regret. We all make choices in life and I don't think that my calling is to be a parent. Not everyone has children - and not everyone that goes on to have children ends up having "good" children. Some children do grow up to be rotten people. That's life.

I feel that it is not realistic to think that when you are aged and/or sickly that your kids will quit their jobs, move back to your town, transfer their kids out of school and leave their jobs (and their spouse's jobs) just to come and take care of you when you are old. I also do not know of many married couples who welcome the full time care of an elderly parent into their homes and lives. You are asking a lot of your grown kids to take care of you full time when you are old. It is just not realistic. It is a nice dream that sometimes comes true but a very difficult burden for many adult children of elderly parents.  

Nursing homes are very full of the elderly. I doubt that nursing homes are full of only the childfree elderly. Those with children and those without children both reside in nursing homes for a reason. Nursing homes and communities for the elderly exist because in many cases it is too difficult for adult children to provide full time care for their elderly parents and still go to work, maintain a marriage and raise and care for children. This is the reality.    

From what I've seen, people with dementia-related diseases usually are put in an institution anyway rather than being taken in by their family. Caring for a person with Alzheimers can be extremely taxing, as I know from first-hand experience. It takes training, resources, time and skill. It can be a full time job. It is not something that can reasonably be expected of every family. Just because you have kids, does not ensure they will become the nursing type.

The comment that implies the childfree/childless are likely to have their resources stolen because they develop Alzheimer's and don't have kids to take care of them, is completely missing the point I was trying to make. My point was that it's incredibly rude to point this out to people who are infertile or have health problems that prevent them from having kids, or had a kid die. With approximately 20% of our population being infertile, people might want to consider being a little more sensitive or compassionate. It's not kind to predict doomsday for other people who are just living their own lives, not hurting anyone. It's not asking people to walk on eggshells...it's just pointing out that this is a sensitive topic that could be very hurtful to people, and no matter how much you feel a need to make this point to prove something...it comes off as rude.

My 90-year-old grandmother -- who worked by choice, not by necessity, when raising my mother and her younger brother -- now does not understand why my 65-year-old mother isn't willing to bow and fulfill her every need. She is literally making my mother insane, and at a time when my mother should be enjoying her retirement. Instead, she's in therapy and on medication.

Recently, my mother was driving my grandmother home from a visit to a doctor, and my mother informed her that the staff at her assisted-living facility would begin handling her weekly grocery-shopping duties. My grandmother's reply to this was, "Well, you're lucky I didn't treat you like this when you were a child!" Instead of responding with, "Actually, you did," which would have been completely approrpriate, my mother's response was, "You raised me, and I raised my own kids. I'm done."

Parenthood is about paying it forward. I do not have children, and for me, one of the benefits of not having them is that I will be better able to care for my own parents when they need me. But they do not expect it of me.

When I get too old to care for myself, if I'm completely alone and can't find a shelter or state-run nursing home to live in, I'll just kill myself. No point in being around being miserable, right? But to do what I've seen my grandmother try to do to my mother with the guilt trips, that's just low.

As far as not having children, it's not because I don't feel up to the task of taking on "the hardest job in the world" (a statement I don't agree with, because while it may be the most important job in the world, it's certainly more gratifying, I would think, than almost any other job in the world . . . personally, I think working in advertising was way harder than I think it would be to care for my own child, if for no other reason than I would care about the job I was doing!). And it's not because I want to party and travel and lie around eating bonbons. I just don't feel the need to bring another living person into this crappy world just so that I can feel important, or so that I can experience a certain depth of love or responsibility or whatever. Those aren't good enough reasons for me to play God.

i don't get your assumption that kids are obliged to take care of their elderly parents later on in life, as a way of returning the 'favor' that you did of taking care of them!!

when you have a child, YOU bring them into this world. it was a choice YOU made, they didn't ask or beg of you to be born. so it's your responsibility to take care of them (at least until age 18) and raise them to be independent adults. now how they're gonna turn out, whether they're going to take care of you or not is a total gamble and upto them to make their CHOICE. they're not obliged to return any 'favors'.

it's like birds building nests and feeding their young and when older, teaching them to fly and letting them go. ever see birds coming back to care for their elderly parents? parenting is a selfish act as is being childfree, you make choices according to what you think feels good to you.

i'm childfree but if i were to have children, it'd be because it'd feel good to me to raise them, be with them and eventually let them get on with their lives. they're not an insurance against old age. you're going to get old and die no matter what, it's not like you can borrow youth or good health off your kids. and you're going to get lonely if you haven't build good relationships with people. people can be lonely even if they have lots of people around them. it's a mental state. having kids has nothing to do with it, parents get lonely too!

you may believe in all the familial reponsibility and all that BS but why is it necessary that your child follow it too? he/she is entitled to live life as he/she chooses, unless it harms others or interferes with other people's lives. what are you gonna do if your kids decided not to take care of you, guilt him or blackmail him into taking care of you? that's ridiculous!

i wouldn't want to have you as my mom and take care of you in old age against my will because i'd feel guilty if i didn't and because you 'expect' me to!