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This isn’t a comment on this post, but I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I really love your blog.  Everything you write is consistently interesting and thoughtful and a lot of it is stuff that I have thought about or like thinking about.  Sibling relationships is just one example.  I really appreciate hearing your theories.  In that weird way that blogs are, I feel like I kind of know you and yet you have no idea I even exist.  So I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your life with the world and therefore with me.  It takes some cojones.  

Great observations. I will try to remember that. Even though right now a second kid is not in the plans.

I'm the eldest of three girls. Growing up it was always me vs them (they're only a year apart). My mom used to say: M-E, the girls, dinners ready! (which de facto meant that there were two different entities within this siblinghood).

We fought a lot, and they didn't like me very much. Now we're better, definitely closer and "in this together", although not super close.

My sister and I are not close, and for many good reasons we never will be. She's just two years older than me, but got into a lot of trouble as a kid and was later diagnosed with a psychological (personality) disorder.  I really spent much of the 2nd half of my childhood as an only child with a couple of understandably preoccupied parents.  I often wonder if I will know how to foster positive sibling relationships when I have more then one child of my own.  My mother set a good example - she has three siblings and they're all very close.  My husband also has a good relationship with his sister. Hopefully, that and maybe some books on the subject will be enough.

Admittedly, I also feel a seed of jealousy when I hear about close siblings like you have.  It's something I've always dreamed of.  It would really beak my heart if my children someday behave like my sister and I did & still do.

So true! My Mom used to always tell us that sisters love each other when we would argue, and then when my brother was born we were always told to watch out for him, to take care of him, to protect him, and things like that. I am doing the same with my two boys, and I hope they turn out the way I have with my brother as sister. We are all really close, even though we fought like cats & dogs when we were younger.

3 of my sibs live reasonably close to each other and have wonderful get-togethers several times a year. Their kids are close, too. Even though I live far away, they've always included me and the other sister who lives far away as much as possible.

We are close in the sense that we love and care for each other, and have each other's 'backs' as you say. One thing that's helping lately is Facebook. My teen and 2-somthing nieces and nephews are all on there, and we are actually getting to know each other better through that medium.

What made it happen? Parents who showed by their words and actions that they valued family life, no encouragement of sibling rivalry, and simple closeness growing up. We had to share, we had to coordinate. I don't know if that's the reason. Maybe we were all just born to be loving people.

It's funny, my big sister who is 6 yrs older than I were never ever close growing up, she was actually very mean to me.  As adults, we are pretty close.  We work together, in the same department and I've heard her say it many times that she is grateful that she gets to work with her sister.  We share inside jokes, go to my moms for lunch everyday (5 mins away from the office), and it's great.  Now my baby sister is 12 yrs younger than me, and I always said to myself that I would NEVER treat her like my big sister treated me, and have kept true to my word.  She's like my baby.  

Adorable video.  They are both so cute.  :)

My sister and I fought growing up, and still do sometimes, but she's the closest friend I have, even when our conversations get unpleasant. No one else in this world knows where I came from, what I grew up with, what created me. Mom used to tell us that when we were little, and we brushed her off and continued to fight over whatever toy or piece of clothing we'd been squabbling over, but it's true.

My brother and I are not close at all and honestly never were.  I could go on and on about the reasons why but fundamentally I have come to accept he really isn't interested in having a relationship with me but also he doesn't seem interested in having a relationship with anyone else in the family except superficially either. So, I suppose what I'm saying is that I can't really finger anything about our upbringing that precipitated our adult relationship now.

My husband is very close to his siblings, though, so that makes up for my lack of sibling bonding.  I hope the girls are close.

I love this! My kids are spaced near-identical to yours, and I think it is the addition of their toddler sister when they were much older that has brought us closer together.

My brother and sister and I are each two years apart.  Whenever we fought growing up, Mom would make us physically hug and apologize.  We hated that.  These days we hug whenever we say goodbye, despite the fact that we all live in the same city and see each other often.  I don't know whether that had anything to do with closeness, as we had a lot of the same characteristics as your family: we're a team, we're in this together, and we spent a lot of free time together whether we really wanted to or not.

I'm sometimes sad for my friends who aren't as close to their siblings as we are but I also know that life tends to provide for us things we might lack in other areas.  We grew up far away from both sets of grandparents but we had several couples who were our grandparent surrogates.

And then of course there's the life experience that tends to magnify whatever dynamic was already there between siblings: death of a parent.

I agree with you about older kids helping with younger ones; it's expected here.  It's also expected that if one kid is in a play, or a football game, that siblings would support them by attending the event when it does not conflict with homework or other commitments.  My kids also support their cousins--whom they adore--by attending their important events.  I hope they will all grow up to be close, but I know there are no guarantees.

I'm the oldest of three sisters, and we were quite spread apart in age, but we are quite close.  I actually spend more time with, and have more in common with, my baby sister who is ten years younger because she is here in town and is the mother of the cousins, who make stair steps with my two little people.  But I talk to my out-of-town sister several times each week.  I wish I were closer to a lot of the cousins I grew up with.  I am still in frequent contact with the one who was closest to me in age.  But even with many of the ones I don't see, I know that there is a caring there and that if I needed them, they would be there for me.

My grandmother always used to say, "Blood is thicker than water."  Family was everything to her and she held some elements of it together by the force of her will.  But there is also a shared sense of family history and mythology that keeps even some of our far-flung branches in contact... for example, recently my first cousin once removed sent me a genealogy (it's incredible) that she's been working on.  I've been entering it into my own tree, and am looking forward to finding new cousins to connect with on Facebook!

What I like about having siblings is a shared sense of personal history,  Even when we don't always agree about today, we can look back to our pasts and talk and laugh about things we did then.  So I think a key to staying close is building happy memories together while the kids are young.

I think it may have been when you were pregnant that you mentioned this topic-that was the first time I started thinking about it.  I like that some commnentors brought up the subject of closeness with cousins also.  An idea I got from reading about large families was to foster a sense of our family as a team.  I think that's something that was missing in my family growing up, although we are pretty close.  I thought of us more as individuals than as a group.  So now I often tell my children that "we're in this together, our family is a team.....Sometimes being part of a team means you clean up messes that you didn't make, or you do more than your share of the work.  We each do diffrent things to make the team sucessful."  I know most of it is over their heads right now, but I think the idea seeps in.   I completely agree with the idea of having siblings help care for each other. I know the Duggars get a lot of criticism for that(and to be honest I don't know exactly what they require their children to do, I don't watch the show) but I think it really does help to build relationships as well as give a sense of the responsiblity that young children are.  Meaning babies aren't just cute little people to play with, you understand they're work too.  I mean male children caring for their siblings too.  I am a baby person and absolutely loved caring for my baby sister who was born when I was 13.  But some people have commented that they hated caring for siblings, so I'm guessing much depends on how parents themselves view childcare and how they present it to the older children. And of course I'm not talking about children raising their siblings, only helping to care for them.  So yes, I agree with your ideas.  Spending time, particularly unstructured time with siblings, parents communicating how much they value family bonds, parents spending time with their own siblings and relatives, fostering a sense of the family as a team, not encouraging sibling rivalry, caring for each other, the "we stick together" mentality......all of those things will likely help develop good close relatinships.  I hope anyway!  

Thank you so much for this!  I am pregnant with #2 and am an only child.  While thrilled and excited for the new baby, due in August, I am also terrified about creating a sibling relationship and afraid that I will muck it up for them.  Your comments are so thoughtful and I hope my husband (one of 4, but a decade younger than the three others) and I can help our boys form the bonds that keep them friends for the whole of their lives!  

My parents did everything you mentioned & my sister & I no longer speak at all. In my case, the taking care of your baby sister completely backfired. My younger sister really resented that & felt that my parents didn't trust her to take care of herself. She felt that this focus on taking care of her meant they didn't think she could take care of herself & resents me as a result.

This focus also has made me overly sensitive to the needs of others & I struggle with paying attention to my own needs as I was always exhorted to watch out for my little sister.

The idea that we would always be best friends turned both of us off. I think neither of us liked being told that & I think it set us in a position where both of us felt tremendous pressure to like each other. We have little in common -- politically, personally, professionally, you name it -- & I think it's unrealistic for two people so different to be best friends. By setting that as an expectation, we could only fall short. And that's what happened for us. I don't think there's anything magic about siblings that creates best friends & setting that expectation can create some very real frustration when it's not met.

I'm currently pregnant with my second child & incredibly conflicted about the presence of a sibling as I really don't have a good model for this at all. My mom's an only child (& always wanted siblings) & my father has minimal relationships with his 4 brothers & sisters. My husband is essentially an only child as his brothers are 14 & 18 years older.

If I look at what my parents did as a model (& really, they did what you suggested), that didn't work so well for me. I've got no idea what I've gotten myself into...

Thank you for this thoughtful article. I have a two and a half-year who ADORES her younger brother, who is nine months. I constantly tell her that she is a great big sister. I agree with the need to take a team approach, and I think this has to start with the parents. My own parents were very cold to each other when I was growing up (they separated after 41 years), and I felt very lonely, even with an older brother. It makes sense that if the parents aren't "in it together" that the they wouldn't be cheering for the family as a whole.

How cute was that video!  

I have 7 kids, and I have subscribed to much the same parenting style...  my oldest kids have LOVED taking care of their babies (I could have done the same vid with my boys and their baby sister).  My favorite photos are the big boys holding their baby sister. My teen especially loves her. He likes to show them off at school- not many teens have toddler and preschooler sisters to show off.

Yes, there are certainly fights among them. But there is a bond, a tight bond.  

And they consider this a major benefit over their friends in small families-- when I'm old, they plan to each take 6 weeks "on" taking care of me, then have about 6 months off before their turn again. Hahaha.

(Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.)

I liked this artical alot. I am the youngest of four. Two sisters and one brother. My brother is 8 yrs older than me and my sisters are 5 and 2 yrs older than me. We are close and always have been. My parents divorced when I was 8 months old and my Mom didn't remarry until I was 11 years old. She worked 3 jobs to support us and we all took care of each other. I have just one daughter and cannot have anymore. I am saddened by the fact that she will never know what it feels like to have a sister or brother to confide in and to teach things to. She is very close to her cousins and even though they all live in a different state than she, she talks to them on the phone alot. I wish you all the best in your happy family.

My sisters and I are all very different people.  In addition, they are 11 and 12 years older than me. Yet we are all close.  Even though we may sometimes get on each others' nerves, that's all secondary to family.  I think that does come down from the parents.  My dad always said we had to stay close to each other.  I think he was missing that from his brother and sister.  Also, it takes 2 to tango.  Sometimes we have to just accept our siblings for who they are and love them for that, even if it goes against who we are.

I adore my silibings.

I beleive we are very close by default!

I think it was my mothers doing!

She created an adult social life for the family that gave us an intermingled life.

She discouraged us from moving far away from each other.

She makes everyone's birthday, anniversary and holiday a reason to celebrate together. We are a big family with many grandchildren and spouses.

We eat Birthday and anniversary cake at least twice a month in addition to all holidays and just visiting with each other.

my sisters are my best friends - i'm the oldest, and we are 18 months apart, and then another 18 months apart (actually, 19 and 19...)  It helps that we are all married, with large families (i have seven, they each have six children). we are also all the same faith, all have similar values (family, marriage, children all need consistent care) - we all homeschool, music is important in all of our homes...  As moms, we've taken cues from each other, too - my sister introduced a rule with her children that they were not allowed to exclude a sibling when they have friends over, and i've adopted that with my brood, too - if you can't be friends with your sibs AND your friends, you can't have friends over.  We've moved a lot (and i moved a lot as a child) and i think that also contributed to us being tight, (although we did fight a ton when i was a little girl/teen).  I do remind my children that i will for sure die while they still have a good chunk of life to live, and the people who will know them best will be their siblings...  I've got seven children 13 down to almost 1, and although my first two bicker (and my firstborn tries to dominate!) - they are all very close...

honestly, I don't think you can force it. I know a few people from large families (as in REALLY large..seven, eight, etc..old school Catholics) and as adults almost all of them are close to some sibs but not to others. There is no magic there. Just some people hit it off more than others. Parents do set things up for adult sibling dislike by favoring and such. I have also heard adults say their parents forced too much togetherness. Or forced caring for younger sibs (this happened to my husband, along with a big dose of favoritism.

What you are talking about caring for younger siblings..watching while you get the mail, etc etc is light years from what some people impose on older siblings and shouldn't even be considered the same thing. A lot of families pretty much make the older kids into extra parents.

I agree with Liz. Just like any kind of love- you just can't force it. In an unrealistic world family member's would be best friends and everything would be all crunchy. Intention's may be all good but reality teaches that we can't control everything. We can only hope and guide.

My sister is one of my best friends. We've always gotten along (tho of course each one of us feels that the other had an easier time growing up;p ). We bickered a bit, especially when sharing a car, but were always friends. I really hope our kids are close. We now live about 30 min apart (for CA that's close!) & are really enjoying it. She just had twin girls & is hoping they'll be close like we were (we're about 2yrs apart in age). I hope I can have another child & my 2 will be close.

My husband's brothers are very close which each other (they're 11 mos apart) but he was like an only child in some ways as there is about 12 yrs between him & the next up. The middle bro & get get along but almost have a son/dad relationship while the oldest can't seem to remember that M is no longer in Jr high...

I think some of sibling affection is thoughtful family dynamics but luck plays a huge part too.

Insightful post. I found your blog randomly through google...I hope you do not mind a lurker!

I am extremely close with my two siblings. My mom and dad always makes us have family dinners together...every single night. I do not know of any other family that still does this. I think it's helpful in creating our bond. We discuss whatever is going on in each of our lives, and honestly, some of our most funniest conversations have happened around the dinner table! Lots of good memories at that table.