As C grows out of babyhood and into early childhood, her personality and natural temperament are emerging more clearly. At this point, I would describe her as completely delightful, as well as thoughtful, cautious, physically active, an outdoors lover, social-yet-reserved (she's shy with people she doesn't know well, but is happiest when surrounded by all the people she does), highly verbal, and very musical. (And have I mentioned that she also really, really likes eating bugs?)
At the moment, she is also demonstrating an exceptionally low tolerance for frustration. In our household, we've taken to describing her current meltdown-prone mood as "sensitive." Those who are not loving family members, however, would more likely describe her behavior as "whiny". And I am afraid that I couldn't really disagree with that assessment. Lately she is whining a lot, and it's taking every ounce of my own patience to deal with it, because almost nothing pushes my parenting buttons more successfully than constant whining. It makes me want to do something inappropriate, like scream obscenities or throw something. And of course, these are not useful or acceptable toddler taming techniques. But I admit that I am struggling at the moment with the level of whining C is doing. It's kind of driving me crazy.
Of course, all 23 month olds whine, sometimes a lot, and they all fall apart when they are tired or hungry or frustrated. I know that. And it doesn't help that she seems to have a lot of teeth coming in all at once - veeeeery slowly - poor baby. But I do think that some of what we are seeing is part of her inborn
temperament. She, like her eldest sibling H, seems to have some natural
difficulty with easily "changing channels." When H was this age, we
noticed that he often had a hard time transitioning from one activity
to the next, and in dealing with delays or modifications in what he
wanted. C is the same way. She wants what she wants when she wants
it...or she kind of loses it. It can be rather exhausting for the whole family.
And it doesn't escape my notice that H was the oldest child - and the first grandchild on both sides - so he was treated like the most special, important person on the planet from the day he came home from the hospital. With all of the attention and catering to every whim that he had coming his way, it's really no wonder that he developed some early childhood expectations around instant gratification. And similarly, C is the first baby in our (nuclear) family in 10 years, and as such, she's doted upon by parents, three much older siblings, numerous cousins, and adoring grandparents. She, too, is treated a bit like the second coming. This is something H and C also have in common beyond their clearly genetically similar personality types.
As my first, H was definitely a bit of a parenting guinea pig for me (sorry, sweetie!), and I made many mistakes over the years as I learned to parent his unique temperament. I didn't always know how to help him learn to flex those "frustration tolerance" muscles when he was a very young child, and as a result, he had to learn some of these skills later, and with more difficulty. Lesson learned for me. With his baby sister, who reminds me so much of him at the same age, I am really trying to strike the balance between acknowledging that she is still just a wee thing, with a lot of very legitimate needs that deserve instant parental gratification, while at the same time attempting to help her identify for herself what is a need and what is really just a want. I am trying to guide her in developing age-appropriate expectations for life's inevitable delays, denials, and disappointment. Given her current whine-tastic stage of development, however, striking this parenting balance is proving pretty challenging for me, because really, all I want to do when she's in a particularly difficult mood (often at the end of a long work day for me), is simply cave in and let her watch yet another episode of "Elmo's World" so she won't collapse onto the floor in a puddle of tears.
But I know that This Would Be Wrong. So I am working hard at helping to redirect her when she gets too whiny, and to help her see that she really is competent to handle frustration without completely coming unglued. But sometimes, lately, when the toddler whining becomes too loud or too constant, I'm the one who feels like she's coming unglued. And that's the point where I accept my limits and walk away, turning things over to her father, who is a far more patient person than I am. And that's also the point where I find that a brief parental time-out, sometimes including a glass of wine (which I much prefer to whine) - helps a lot. She may be too young for time-outs, but I definitely am not!
How do you deal with excessive whining in your toddler or preschooler? Shower me with your most excellent advice, dear blog readers. I could definitely use it right now.
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