Home/Work

lie :)

Our girl is 10 weeks old and we are already pretty evenly divided in raising her.  When I go back to work in 6 weeks her dad will have her for the first half of the day and then she will go to my mom when it's time for him to go to work (he works non traditional hours).  So we're having him practice giving her bottles, etc.  I nurse her full time at the moment, but diapers/laundry/playtime/bathtime is 50/50.

I also have two mamafied little girls! My husband currently is the primary parent, because of my recent very heavy workload. (Since November.) Maybe it's because I was the primary parent for the first 2/4 years of their lives when I had a lighter workload -- although he was extremely involved even then. I feel so bad that he spends much more time than I do on the child care basics, but I get the cuddles and love nonetheless. What to do?

My husband does a lot with and for our son, and I would say the division of labor is about 60-40 -- ie not that unequal. He handled almost all of the night feedings early on and now deals with the lion's share of dirty diapers. But I'm the chief cuddler and comforter and I handle almost all of the daycare papers and calls and getting his things around for school. I don't know if I could completely give this up, even though sometimes I feel a little resentful about it. Being honest, there's a part of me that feels good that I know my son best. And also, there's a visceral part of me that NEEDS to be the one to hug and kiss on him when he's hurt.

While I spent more time with L when she was v. small, and time was more equally shared with R, my husband was always at least an equal parent in terms of care (with the exception of nursing, of course.)  In fact, at first he was much more at ease with changing diapers, cutting nails, and bathing than I was--I was afraid I would hurt the first baby!  And I never had to ask.  Maybe it was because we were older, and they were much wanted by both of us?  Could it be personality based on both our parts?  I think this shared approach led to the girls being comforted by each of us equally, but who knows?  Maybe it is a Daddy/daughter bond thing and if I had sons it would be different.  This continues now that they are much older, with the exception of our older daughter's general preference for assistance from me with new bio changes, which makes perfect sense.  Even then, there isn't a "no Daddy allowed" even with those issues.  Part of this came from lots of discussion before we had children (even before marriage.)  We were married a long time before we had them, and I knew I wouldn't be happy with a more traditional approach, and neither would he.  I never felt jealous or worried about my role in their lives, so I think that is an important factor, including not judging him for doing things differently than I might.  Maybe it goes back to being compatible in the first place with these important issues and being sure of that before having children?  All of this is hindsight, so I could be wrong!  Very happy, but wrong.

My husband gave ALL the baths until each child turned two; he changed lots and lots of cloth diapers (complete with pins and rubber pants!) even though he had vowed never to touch one; he was in school when the first was a baby and has worked for himself most of the time since, giving him more flexibility to transport children here and there and to volunteer at school.  But if I'm home, all the questions come to me and I'm the one everyone runs to for comfort.  If I'm not around, the little ones are more than happy with Daddy.  When I'm home, I often hear myself saying, "I'm not the only parent in this house.  Go get Daddy ro read to you (or open that for you, or whatever)."  And while my husband willingly helps with the kids, he might not think to do it on his own without my suggestion.  

I think it’s definitely where you live how common men are the primary parent. There is a slight shift in NYC. I know that from my clients, there was an article in the NY Times recently about primary caregiver fathers and how their numbers are increasing especially in playgroups that were traditionally only women.  

Your dad and your Uncle J were unusually hands-on fathers for that day and time, but Aunt L and I were still the primary caregivers. Your dad and uncle were diaper-changing, bath-giving, story-telling fathers when that was just beginning to be okay. I still laugh about the time when you were very new and I handed you to your dad to share a bath. You did something very unpleasant in the bath and he didn't fling you across the bathroom, but calmly called for me to take you so he could clean up and clean the tub. We didn't consider it odd at all for you to take a bath with your daddy or for him to take any parenting role. We also had you sleep with us much of the time. It absolutely makes me crazy to hear a father say he has to "babysit" his children. Say what?

My husband did the stay-at-home-dad bit while I worked outside the home. It wasn't taking kids to work with him. His full-time job was stay-at-home-dad. It's interesting that you choose to title this post "When Fathers Mother." That title does not fit gender neutrality, IMHO.

Makes sense. On another point, while Jon doesn't seem to face this problem, my husband and I endured a lot of "stereotyping" as to the why he was stay-at-home-dad and not I the SAHM. Many comments were made about our reasoning as if he was a lay-about without a job and I had no choice but to go to work outside the home while the kids were subjected to sub-standard child care from the dad at home. It's funny how it could never occur to most that we chose the situation and it worked perfectly well for us, and especially for the kids! C, as well as my kiddos, have experienced something most children never will.

In my situation, my 2yo son prefers men. He's been a daddy's boy since day one and even gravitates toward my brothers (as opposed to my sister or sisters-in-law) at family gatherings. He's just  a guy's guy in the making, I guess, but even though my husband works tons of hours and childcare has fallen mostly to me, because of my son's requesting of his dad, things have worked up to a 60-40ish division of labor. When I ask my hub to help, he's far more likely to beg off, but when my son asks, he can't say no.

Andrea- I was raised by a stay at home (kind of) dad (I'm 30 now) and people didn't get it then, either. I remember my dad chaperoning field trips, being my girl scout troops' "Cookie Mom," being my grades "Room Mom," etc. My dad worked the night shift, came home in the morning, my mom went to work, and my dad got us ready and off to school then came home and slept for a bit. He woke up in time to pick us up from school. My dad was WAY more involved in my growing up life than my mom.

There is no doubt my experience was different than kids whose moms were home with them. But I think that it gave me a non-traditional view of gender roles from the beginning. My dad did all the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. He baked our birthday cakes AND repaired our bikes. My mom was the primary money-maker AND cleaned the house. I feel lucky to have grown up in a home where those lines were blurred.  

My husband and I evenly split childcare (we are both graduate students and have a lot of flexibility) during the semester, but this summer my husband is home full-time with our 2 year old son while I work full-time. He has always been incredibly involved in parenting and house duties. That said, although my son adores my husband, he prefers me when he needs comfort. I know that this upsets my husband a little, so I am hoping our next child is a "Daddy" baby.  

"This is in contrast to most fathers of babies and young children whom I observe,  who - despite their obvious adoration for their young'uns -  just don't seem to notice on their own when a diaper needs changing."--- that would be my husband.  Ditto with laundry, dishes etc. before we had kids.

But to his credit he is working on all of those things, after it became obvious that helping out more would ease some of the stresses on me.

I am a working SAHM, my partner works FT outside the home. When he's home, he definitely puts in about 60/40 or even 70/30 on some days with caring for our 1yr old daughter (playing, naps, baths if I remind him, feedings, etc). However, that is mostly due to the fact that I do about 85% of the housework/100% bills/paperwork/grocery shopping. But the trade-off is he does all the yard work...not always as consistently as I like, but it eventually gets done. I wouldn't even consider sharing the bills/paper work...he says he is 'allergic' to it. But I would LOVE to get a routine going where I am not the only one picking up toys in the living room, cleaning bathrooms, or doing the dishes. It just doesn't OCCUR to him.  

I would say this is much more common in families with full-time working mothers.  Even if both parents work, you're starting from an equal-time perspective.  All of my female friends have full-time jobs and their husbands work freelance or out of the home, so the practical situation is just different.  The dads are equal parents, period.

Now if we could only get the housework divided more evenly...

We are still more traditional than not.  I work full time outside the home, but also cook, do the shopping, etc for my son.  He does the trash, maintains the litterbox, deals with the electronics.  As far as daycare is concerned, I drop off, he picks up.  He does the baths, I do bedtime.  I do most of the reading with my son, he does most of the wrestling.

We also each take over for the other when we have to.  He'll cook sometimes, I take out trash when necessary.  It's a partnership.

Hey, Melissa, just out of curiosity: why do you call your situation traditional?  I get that you do the "girly" stuff and your husband does the "guy" stuff, but other than that, it sounds like you have a very equal-work relationship, which is far from traditional.  I think the partnership you describe sounds very balanced!

Love this post.

I'm a SAHM, my husband works outside the house full time.  My husband is generally GREAT about sharing the parenting duties when he's home.  He does usually notice when the diaper needs to be changed, or when its time for a nap, etc.  He gives the baths and does most of the bedtime (I come up just for a quick goodnight).  The only thing I would say is that sometimes I feel like he's not as aware of safety-type things.  For example, my toddler seems to get more bumps and bruises with his dad than with me.  But maybe this is just a small difference in parenting style?  

Even though my husband does a lot of parenting, we are still "mamafied" in this house.  The comforting falls almost 100% on me, not that I mind :)  I think my husband does feel sad about it sometimes.  I wonder if he was a SAHD if this would be different.  I think it would be.  I know its selfish, but I kind of like how I'm #1 in this regard (even when its at inopportune moments, like in the middle of the night and only mommy will do).  I love the extra cuddles and hugs.  I think I would miss a LOT if it was more 50/50.  

p.s. I have two SAHDs in my playgroup, so I do think its getting more common.  They are just as "in tune" with their kids as any of the mothers in the group, and definitely are able to comfort their toddlers.