Home/Work

Making us tell first?  No fair, Katie!

I think one big mistake I made was thinking I knew exactly what I was doing and that my kids were going to be perfect.  So I've never really been prepared to have things go wrong, and didn't have any plans for how to deal with them when they did.

Some concrete mistakes: Nursing on a strict schedule with my first baby (it didn't hurt her, I don't think, but it sure stressed me out!); obsessing over the sleep thing with my first three kids, including Ferberizing them; circumcizing my first two sons, even though I really felt unhappy about it (I've apologized to them for this one); not paying more attention to the fact that my youngest son needed more in the way of school preparation than the big kids ever did; yelling too much and spanking, which I swore I would never do.  

I'm sure more will occur to me as the day goes on.

Interesting, I think although we no longer blame moms for austic children and such we are still really really hard on each other.  Read a post on a parenting mistake, it doesn't really matter which one or what site it's on......the judgements thrown make me cringe.  What comes to mind recently is the Mom who thought the stroller release was down and let go for a second only to have the stroller roll into a train's path.  (The baby survived)  The comments people leave, people throw all sorts of blame at that poor woman who just went through a terrible experience.  Maybe the difference is that before we were blamed for things that we now know are genetic, so we've filled the void with expecting parents to control just about every waking moment of the child's life.  You cannot leave your child alone for a second or you are a bad parent.  It's absolutely your fault if something happens to your child while you run upstairs for two minutes, you bad parent you!  (Think the Mom who gave a (I think) nine year old a younger sibling to take downstairs and put in a playpen.  The older child put the sibling on the couch instead and a construction worker left the door open and the child wandered out.  The Mom was in the house, one floor above, only away from the child for a very short period of time and people said child protective services should be called on her!)  I've also read a lot of comments where people say, well my child would never do X because I do this this and that with them!  They still think they have an awful lot of control over how their offspring turns out.  I don't think parents are off the hook yet.

I actually think ferberising was a good thing (schedules, for the most part, are a good thing), but trying spanking as a last resort was a waste.  I don't think my kids are any worse for it, but it wasn't terribly effective.  Other mistakes -- stressing out about their school projects in middle school.  I'm not sure if the mistake was mine, or the school's, because these science fairs etc. are so damn competitive.  I just didn't want them to feel like failures -- but it made for way too much stress that just wasn't necessary.

Also, I regret returning to work when they were babies.  I wish I just had the guts to take a whole year off and enjoy it -- and take each day as it comes.

I regret wanting to be like Martha Stewart and have everything perfect all of the time.  We eventually saw the light of day -- I don't regret all of it (learned a lot about gardening as a result) -- but again, it made me feel like we were constantly under pressure.

I'm also sorry about the yelling and the arguments with my husband about managing the kids, cleaning the house, etc.  We could have been much more alligned as 'coparents.'  That ongoing tension couldn't have been good for anyone.  It wasn't good for me and my husband either, but we survived (amazingly).

But -- the good news is that the kids are fine.  Really fine.  They're both doing well at good universities, they still say they love me (and even sit on my lap when they're home, although it sort of hurts) and I am even they're facebook friends, albeit with filters, depending on their mood.

My main regret is that it all went by so quickly.  I'd do anything to be a time travellor and revisit a Halloween or a school dance or a just watch a television show.  I'm so grateful for that time, but just wish I could do it again . . .

@sajmamom- really fascinating point... it does seem like we expect parents to control every variable of a young child's life. It's almost as if there can't be any terrible accidents anymore. Even SIDS deaths are now blamed on co-sleeping, a parent who is  smoker, letting a baby roll to his/her side, etc. It's so much pressure, isn't it?

I think trying to think about mistakes in parenting can be pretty complicated.  First, a lot of things are only mistakes in the context of one particular child.  If one made the mistake of being too lenient with one's first child, it might still be a mistake to be too strict with one's second - they're different people and will have different needs.  Also, one can only raise a given kid one time, and it's therefore hard to figure out how much effect one had on the outcome.  If I had been raised by a parent who never made me clean my room, it would be *obvious* to everyone that my grown-up messiness was all the lack of being taught to be clean - but my mom did make me clean up, and look, I'm messy anyway.

None of us is capable of being a perfect person, and certainly not a perfect parent.  I think as long as there is no intentional cruelty or abuse directed at a child, much should be forgiven.  Do I wish I'd handled some situations better with my kids?  Of course.  Just like I wish I'd done my math homework in high school, treated my mom better when I was teenager, and learned to stick to an exercise routine at any point in my life.  

I could not have asked for better parents.  But they weren't perfect, and how impossibly creepy if they had been.  Life is learning from mistakes.  My kids know I love them which should earn me a little leeway, and that assuages any guilt I feel for making human errors.  

And all those essays where moms seem to be throwing off the guilt?  I don't buy it.  It's a cover.  Perfection is impossible, all of us want to parent perfectly, and all of us feel bad if we feel we may have let down our kids.  It's the one area anyone would feel vulnerable and different people deal with that in different ways.

Oh, let's see, the list goes on and on.  Letting my kids cry themselves to sleep.  Insisting that my two-year old eat an arugula, walniut, and goat cheese salad.  Not letting my oldest child be a baby long enough.  Spanking.  Refusing to play on the floor with my youngest child.  Not letting my daughter make enough of her own choices.  Working too many long hours outside the home.

Whew. I suck.  

On the bright side, some of these bad parenting techniques have unintentionally had positive results in the form of strong-willed, independent, open-minded, and mature kids.  

But if I had a do-over, I would do it differently.

You will never ditch the guilt. Cousin Betsy says a cloud of guilt perpetually hangs over my head and I fear she's right. Biggest mistake? Probably working too much.

My son is only 2.5, so I haven't had much time to screw up.  But so far I really have no regrets.  I have no choice but to work and it's all for his benefit.  I do spank on occasion, it's something I have thought about and I don't regret it.  I nursed, I supplemented, it was all good.  He's a wonderful little dude and I'm just happy to have him.

I'm sure my mistakes will all be during the teen years!

When my eldest son was 14 months old he suffered from "nursemaid's elbow" where the ligaments in the elbow are loose and can slip in between the elbow bones.  Apparently it's quite common, and children will eventually outgrow the condition at around 4 y/o.  

Anyway, I had grabbed my son's hips and flipped him over during a diaper change.  He started howling and holding his fingers.  I thought I had flipped him too forcefully and maybe twisted his fingers.  After hours of crying (both of us), I gave him tylenol and he fell asleep.

It wasn't until the next day--about 18 hours after the initial pain--that I noticed he wasn't moving his left arm at all.  <i>DH and I didn't take that poor baby to the emergency room for almost an entire day.</i>  

(And when we got there, the admitting nurse knew immediately what it was, and fixed it before we even filled out our paperwork.  Which actually made me feel even worse, because it was such an easy fix there really was no reason the kid should have spent the night in pain.)

'Protecting' them from their mistakes, instead of letting them face the consequences of their actions.

Mine is not being 'adult' enough to apologize when I do screw up & trying TOO hard to be 'in charge'.  My parents didn't set the bar very high but I've taken the good things and tried to omit the bad.  One of the best things my mom did was to remember what it was like to be a child and how frustrating it was (yes, she remembers EVERYTHING).  My dad's contribution? An open mind. I figure if I can make sure my kids live by The Golden Rule & to leave things or people better than you found them....then I've done alright.

The main thing that comes to mind is not encouraging their independence earlier.   By the time I was 7, I was considered competent to:  change a baby's diaper; bottlefeed a baby; make a bed; do all homework without parental supervision.  My husband was expected to do all that, in addition to: mixing homemade formula for younger siblings; bringing in the cows; gathering wild mushrooms for dinner; and, no doubt, other farm work.    By the time I and my husband were 12, we were expected to be able to cook dinner for the family; to be left alone with multiple younger siblings; and to do laundry.

I can't really think of much beyond that.   Like Leslie, I regret yelling at my children, but that's the way it goes.  I don't particularly regret spanking them occasionally - I think yelling at them is worse.

Separation and divorce often bring out the worst in adults.  My biggest mistake was driven by passive-aggressive behavior...and I still cringe when thinking about it years later.  One day my daughter called from school, and asked to be picked up early because she was sick.  I told her to call her mom because it was "not my day" on the permanent parenting plan.  Note to self: Regardless of the schedule, your child is your child every day.

Melissa - I love ya!