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Much love and support to you, Henry and your family.

First, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son and family now, and for as long as it takes for you to get the people you love better.  

Second, I hope that no one reading this would dare to judge you.  I have been following your blog since you started here on Babble, and have seen nothing from you except love for your family, and a desire for them to be individual, creative, healthy adults.  Unfortunately, despite a parent's hopes, and despite their BEST efforts, some times things go off the tracks.  What makes you a GOOD mother is that you are standing by him, loving him and trying to help him turn his life around.  

I hope that your son and your family recover, and that you don't judge yourself to harshly.  You aren't alone, and you are doing your best.  Lots of people out here in cyber-land are behind you.

I have never commented before, but I read your blog here regularly. And I am so, so sorry to hear this news, and am sending best wishes to you and your family.

I hope he makes it and has no lasting permanent damage to his brain. Until people relalize drug taking is a behavavor they will always make excuses. Did you drink when you were pregnant with your son?  

What @Andrea said.

Katie--much love to you and yours, and especially Henry.  Thank for your honesty here.  It is so much work to keep a secret!  I'm so glad for you that you are coming out with this, and opening up a discussion.  These problems are so much better when dealt with openly, rather than trying (in vain) to deal with it privately.  

Thinking lots of good thoughts for Henry that he will pull through, and I've watched while you keep us updated on Facebook.  He's got lots of people rooting for him!  

Katie, I'm praying not only for Henry, but selfishly for the same strength you have received today.  I, too, need to come to terms with the things I've never been able to say out loud.  Thank you, and may God continue to bless you, Henry, and the memory of his remarkable namesake.

We are thinking positive thoughts for your family here. And maybe you made some mistakes parenting him, just like every parent makes. But! you didn't buy him drugs, you didn't force him to do it. It's not your fault. He obiously needs help, and the rest of your family needs a ginormous hug. You are a great mother, from what you share with us here, and you will all pull through this. So, more hugs, and you're brave, and more hugs.

ever since i read the news earlier this week on your personal blog, where i've also commented a couple of times, i've been thinking of you. i've even been dreaming about you, and of h, and worrying for all of you.  i am just so sorry on so many levels.  my family has been consumed by the evils of addiction going back generations; i am the sister, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, and niece of addicts. it hurts and it makes me angry and has oftentimes has made me feel ashamed. i'm 37 years old and i still have a terrible time talking about it. i think what you are doing, by putting voice to it and a face on it in light of this horrific tragedy and nightmare you are living through, is going to help yourself, your family, h of course, and more people than you can imagine. it is destructive. it hits without discrimination. love doesn't fix it or make it go away, but love will help get you and h and all of you through.  thank you for your honesty. thank you for taking the time, in the middle of what is the most terrible thing, to update so many faceless strangers who feel connected to you through your words.

you are an amazing woman, an amazing and fabulous mama and wife and auntie and daughter....  i cannot say it any better than andrea just did above. she's absolutely 100% right on.

wishing you all healing, and sending you much love.

*hugs* I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine it being even harder being pregnant. I have many addicts in my family and its hard to see someone you care about destroy them selves especially a child. I hope he sees the light and gets clean.

Sending you lots of love and energy.

There is nothing to judge you over. H made his own choices. What you did or did not do had little if anything to do with where he is now. It would perhaps help if you/your family were to go to the adjunct organizations associated with addict treatment, where family members can learn about dealing with the addiction and addicted family member.

There, you will meet with others who are walking your footsteps or have already done so. You will find out you are not alone. That in itself is worth joining. Further, you will find that there is no way to know what one person is going to do or where they will go after first dealing with marijuana. If it were truly the cause, as people claim, of more dangerous addictions, there would be many more serious addicted persons in this country than there are now.but, that is neither here nor there at the moment.

What is important is your son's recovery and helping you and your family to cope with the current situation. Focus on that and on your health and the well being of your fily as well. Make sure all of you get the help each of you require.

Don't worry about what anyone thinks, particularly those who are negative. Those negative people do not have your well being at heart. Focus on supportive and well wishing folks. They care. They are being supportive. Pay particular attention to those who wish well and are supportive and are also honest with you. They have your best interests at heart. They are the ones to pay attention to. They will help you but not tell you.

I am continuing to hope the best for H and you and your family. Hugs.  

oh katie, addiction is such a terrible terrible disease.  but you are so not to blame. i have a friend whose brother recently died of a drug overdose after struggling years with addiction; i am so so glad to hear that your son is doing so much better!  i wrote something for my friend ellen on my blog about suffering -- which gets a little bit at this question of blame -- you might want to read it someday.... mygoodlyheritage.blogspot.com/.../on-suffering-for-ellen.html

Andrea said it so well. I have been reading you for years and I have admired you as a mother the whole time, now  I admire you even more.

I believe YOU just took the first step toward YOUR healing. I don't think you will face negative judgments for this admission. But rather you will find a warm embrace by your community and support for your family. The burden of carrying this "secret" is too heavy to carry alone. You should feel no shame or guilt for your parenting choices. Allow the prayers of others hold you up on this difficult path.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

We are all rallying for H because we care so much for him and for you. Also, we're rallying because we know it could just as easily be any one of us at the hospital bedside of our child.

I'm not convinced that anyone knows why some people become mired in addiction. I know that some of those people come from the most loving, supportive, involved families anyone could wish for. H is one of those.

I've got nothing but contempt for those who seek to assess blame for you in this. And really, what is the point of looking to blame anyone? It's just so that person casting stones can feel sure she is safe from what has happened to you. And that's an illusion. If no one you love suffers from addiction then you just got lucky.

Everyone has pain in their life along with the blessings. We don't always get to choose them but we can choose how to deal with them. You cannot fix your son - he has to choose his own path, even if it is one you wish he would not travel. No guilt, no shame in that.

Katie,

No blame or second guessing from this corner. I don't have children but I have a nephew is was in serious trouble / medical situation and his parents are "dealing with it" in a private way. I can tell you that we have some very good friends in common with addiction issues and some who can be recreational users. It's part of the mystery that some people can smoke, toke, drink or whatever and then walk away and some people are hooked in the first use.

You have good instincts and a wide net of support- use any avenue you think can offer help. I know I made calls to folks out of the blue when I thought it could help my nephew.

Much love and many prayers for all of you!

Mare

I agree with Bob. My 17 also experimented with marijuana at 14, as did most of her friends, and I responded pretty much as you did. None of them are drug addicts today. This is a disease, not the result of any parenting mistakes on your part.

I also hope you and the rest of your family have been getting help and support with Henry's illness. Nar-anon and al-anon meetings are good places to start...

I wish healing and peace for Henry and for all of you.

No shunning here. No way!  Just good thoughts and love.  

Lisa

So proud of YOU. So on Henry's -- & all of your -- team from afar.

Who could judge you for the things you wish you had, or could have, done differently, when we're all in the same boat? Trying so hard to control the uncontrollable -- the threats to our children's lives and well-being -- or wishing we could. Our hearts are with you and your son and your family, and we're sending nothing but love and feelings of solidarity. Hugs to you!

Katie - I'm so glad that you were able to give voice to this. It's no wonder you've been depressed during this latest pregnancy - what a tremendous, awful, terrifying strain you've been under. My heart just breaks for you, Henry and your entire family. You are obviously an excellent, loving mother, and it must be so frustrating to know that love can't heal this awful addiction. I am hoping for the best, and I thank you so much for your courage and strength and willingness to share your experience to help others know that they are not alone.

Katie,

This is very brave and honest. I can just imagine enough of what you are going through to make it unimaginable.

Coming from a family of alcoholics, I worry about this as my kids struggle with adolescence because you can't tell ahead of time who will dabble and who will plunge into addiction.

Thinking healing thoughts for all of you.

Daron said what I was going to say.  The fact that your son is an addict is not because of something you did or didn't do.  Casual teen marijuana use does not always mean that one is on the path to an addiction to hard drugs. I also wonder just how most of us would be able to prevent our kids from experimenting with drugs and alcohol? My 4 adult kids all experimented and now of the 3 that are in their 20s, 1 doesn't smoke marijuana anymore and the other 2 are occasional social users.  Get help for you family and your other kids.  I know how incredibly hard it is to parent the rest of your kids when you are in danger of losing one of them, I have been there. Ignore those would judge or shun you, don't want that energy.

I hope that Henry can find the help he needs to choose to end his addiction and that your family gets the support and help you need too.

Lots of us are behind you, no judgment just hoping for the best outcome all around.

Thanks Katie, for your honesty.  I think many parents fear what others will think of their parenting, their children, their family.  Family blogs and Christmas letters often read as if everything is wonderful, and everyone is above average.  I think it is liberating and inspiring for everyone if more people could be honest about the real life struggles families face-I don't know of any family that escapes something difficult.  I can see how it would be very easy to become a drug addict, since as you said, it starts with experimentation at a time when teens do not yet have mature brains, and they are very susceptible to peer pressure.  Here's hoping and praying that this wake-up call is what your son needs to beat this addiction once and for all.  

Hug yourself and feel everyone's hugs, especially God's, for your ability to stand naked in the truth and be vulnerable. That makes you strong. I see on Facebook, the incredible number of people who are following you and loving you, not judging you. We have no right to even START to "go there." Life is learning, humility, trying, letting others help us, learning with others, suffering with others, rejoicing with others and experiencing the journey together. Through your situation, you've helped thousands of people do that. You are blessed and you bless others with your honesty and sharing. LOVE YOU, mothering soul sister...

No, no, no. Do not look for your mistakes.

What I have seen of Henry is gifted beauty, a bright smile, a love of music, and a need to find something in this crazy world.

You made Henry. You did not make the world.  You loved him and raised him and did what you thought was best. Be kind to yourself. You fought so hard for him in that hellish divorce.

You don;t need to "out" yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. F8ck their judgment. F8ck the criticism. You're a mama and your boy needs you, and you have nothing to justify.

The state of suffering and pain is common to all humans, to all mothers.  For any of us to pretend we are perfect and turn out perfect kids is a lie. We're all faking it and hoping.  

I also want to add- as someone who has worked in the nitty-gritty science of neuroscience and addiction-focusing on plasticity of adolescent brains- that this not a parenting decision, unless you rewired his synapses in his brains' coping centers.  It's a science that we are just beginning to scratch, and the more we learn the more we see it is an issue of actual physical brain chemistry.  We are getting closer and closer to the secret to chemically prevent addiction, but we are not there yet.

Katie-

I totally agree with all the posters who have commented that you never know which kid will end up being a dabbler vs. addicted.  However, addiction does typically start in adolescence/young adulthood.  It is a terrible disease.  My heart hurts thinking of all the pain you have been experiencing.  I can assure you, unless you provided your son with drugs (which I know you didn't), you are not to blame.  HBO had a really wonderful series called Addiction that you can rent on Netflix or download on the internet, with all the latest scientific research and treatment information.  I don't know how involved you and your family have been in researching this illness or getting involved with support organizations, though I'm sure you have done some of this.  Support groups are often indispensable in helping you feel like you're not alone.  Katie, this could happen to any of our kids...Please know you are not alone, that you are not a bad mother because of this, and you are very brave for finally outing your family secret.  

I have worked with substance abusers who ended up with major medical issues (on a subacute neurorehab unit in a hospital), and it usually was the thing that precipitated true recovery, if that gives you any piece of mind.  I still remember a former patient crying to me and saying "I can't use anymore, because it will kill me next time."  One problem with adolescents is that most of them don't truly believe that anything like this will happen to them.  Now that it has, Henry will have insight into the fact that he is not invulnerable.  I hope you are looking at the end of Henry's drug use.  Wishing you much love and peace.

Just letting you know that I hear you.  Sending love from california to you and all your family and Henry.  Addiction is baffling.  I completely agree.  My parents and a sister were addicts and here I am, not one, though I dabbled and smoked and snorted and smoked some more.  It's not your fault.  It wasn't my moms fault. Hope you can be kind to yourself through this long road.  

Love doesn't prevent or cure drug addiction, unfortunately. I wish it could.

I have been reading your Blog since you first met Jon. My stomach has been churning since your first mention of H. To be honest, I had suspected a problem with your beautiful son for quite a while. However, please don't worry yourself about what anyone will think of you or your family. Everyone has family issues and the one's who pretend they don't are phony people that you wouldn't want in your life, anyway. Life is way too short to waste time on what people will think. There will always be those who will take pleasure in someone else's  pain, that's just reality. Who cares about those idiot's, anyway? It's very healthy for you to talk about your problem. It probably feels like a ginormous weight is lifted off your shoulders and that's a really good thing for you and baby G, as well as the rest of your family. No more secrets! I'm proud of you-for whatever it's worth...  

Katie, I commend your bravery in broaching this topic. I pray for your son, and for you, and for H's caregivers. You have been on our minds and in our hearts these last days.

And: my dear lady, it could be ANY of us. Let us dare to be brave ourselves, own that, and love you up. Let us support the journey we are all on together.

You're brave to share that, and I hope everything turns out okay for him with this crisis, and that things get better all around.

One of my earliest unschooling friends lost a young- adult son to alcohol overdose a few years back (possibly drugs, too, but I think it was alcoholic coma).  

My sister has a son who uses heroin, and tries to stop, and fails.  He was unschooled for several years, but chose to go back to high school and got in with a wild group.

I don't know how responding differently to marijuana at 14 would have changed anything in your family.  Reacting more strongly would probably have created a reason for secrecy.  

Best wishes.  I hope by the time we all have grandchildren that more is known about how to avoid or treat addiction.  With the same parents, my sister is alcoholic (abstains, mostly) as was my mom; I'm not, as my dad was not.  There's an element of the genetic crapshoot in all of it.

You're a great mom.  I think not talking about this in the past out of respect for H's privacy was the right thing and I think talking about it now will be really helpful to a lot of other families in the same situation.

I am scared for H too once he makes it out of this critical stage.  I hope he can dig deep inside and find the strength to live free of this addiction.

And I am so so sorry you are going through such stress during this last pregnancy of yours.  

Katie,  you and your dear son are in our thoughts and prayers.  You have such tremendous courage to write these words.  I hope it gives you some relief to share this with others as it does to others who may be going through similar troubles reading it.  Thank you for your bravery.

As a daughter of two recovering addicts, I can understand how you might be afraid of how the world looks at you. My parents have been in recovery for 20 years thanks to Methadone and still struggle with people's judgements over that. Their reality is they are able to function normally, hold down jobs, raise two kids, and keep themselves out of danger which is huge compared to where they were before which is where your son is now. It really is a disease and I believe one which can be managed but never cured. If you haven't read "Beautiful Boy" yet, you should. <hugs>

You are a beautiful and courageous mother.  I wish the very best in recovery for you, your son and family.

katie,

that may have been the most beautiful thing i have ever read.

show me a person who would pass judgement on you, and i'll show you a fool, my friend.

i'm on your side.

praying for Henry. praying for you.

Kate, I just read this blog out loud to Gigi and Natalie.  My mom's eyes welled up with tears because it was not too long ago that she herself was in your position as a helpless mother.  And I was a helpless sister, and Natalie was a young girl only begining to comprehend the seriousness of what our family faced.  But, we are the good side of the equation.  We faced what we thought at one time would be my brother's end, and have come through it.  I have faith you will too.  Love, K p.s. we love you and your family! <3

Katie,

I have been reading your words for a very long time- since the Metro Pulse days (In loco parentis), and because I went through a divorce simultaneously I felt a strong bond. I've enjoyed you immensely, however... I have been mad as heck with you for a while over this 'secret'. Four years ago I had a much loved co-worker go down this path of darkness. He was a graduate student at UTK working as our GIS technician. Every day he sunk deeper, and as much as I tried to engage his family and friends to try to get him into treatment, they all kept telling me how much better he was getting. But he wasn't getting better. I felt terribly alone. There was no intervention for Bert. He died of an overdose on January 2, 2007. He was just 27. I can still see his sparkly green eyes and crooked smile, and it kills me that I couldn't get someone's attention, no matter how hard I tried. So, I guess I was projecting my frustration on you.

I am so proud of you for writing this, because (and I really want to use caps, here, but I won't) secrets kill people. We all need to help each other, and if you're hiding behind a secret it just gives the disease that much more power. The addiction wins.

I'm sorry I was mad at you, Katie. I'm not in your shoes, and I have no right to judge you. But I am so glad to know that you are 'out' because H just isn't going to get better unless his disease is named for what it is. It's an ugly, horrible thing, but it isn't him.

I wish you nothing but luck in your fight.

Katie,

bless your heart and bless the heart of h.

i want you to learn this:

C

C

C

you did not CAUSE it

you can not CURE it

you can not CONTROL it..

more later in a private email.

Just found out about your blog yesterday from another blog I had been reading.  You are so brave to come out and say what you said today.  Yesterday, I read an article you wrote about being comforted by other moms when your kids are little and why can't it be that way when they are older?  I totally agree.  Maybe your article will be the first step.  Good for you!  I am praying that your son gets better.  I can only imagine the frustration you feel not knowing what comes next.  

KATHY @ 5:33

whether or not katie drank alcohol during her pregnancy, has NOTHING to do with H's addiction...

if H had been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes would you ask her if she ate a cookie?

SAME THING

further more. it is none of your business

I've been a reader since you started posting at babble (and really liked your attachment parenting essay posted here) and I don't think I've ever commented before.  I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter named Charlotte, and that always gave me a little  smile.

I am so sorry to hear of your oldest son's struggles, and the toll it must be taking on and your family is beyond what I can imagine.  Thank you for coming out - regardless of whether or not it is rational or not to feel shame, we feel what we feel....and that you are putting aside your shame to share your struggle is immense.  I've seen you brought so low by your struggles these last few months, and I can only hope you find strength in your friends, family, and concerned online community.

Best wishes, to you, Henry, and all your family...including your own little Charlotte.

no judgement.  I hope your son can find his way out of his addiction and your family can move towards healing.

Katie,

I think you are an amazing writer and your "confession" above is your very best writing to date.  If people shun you or your family because of Henry's disease, they don't deserve to be in your lives.  You are amazing...incredible with words, talent and I'm sure a wonderful Mom.  You WILL get through this.  I have hope for Henry.  I look forward to reading about his miraculous journey to health in future days.  Addiction of any kind is horrible. I suffered from food addictions....one is no better than the other.  I know you are expecting that precious new baby....please try to rest when you can.  I met you many years ago at KNS and I hope I have the opportunity to see you again.  You are in our prayers.  Angel

Hang tough.

No one will judge.

What's to judge.

I think the compassion and empathy on this will blow you away.

This is a good resource.

http://intervene.drugfree.org/

Katie, I know how horrible this is, how scary it is and how embarrassing it is.  I know that you blame very damn move you ever made. I too made excuses... I blew all the signs off.. The dead father and grandfather, the ADHD, etc., etc.... I wish I had jumped the gun the minute the stuff started happening.  But, that's not going to help, not going to get you anywhere and surely not going to help H or my W.  It's the way they were born and they way they are wired. DO NOT blame youself or your family.  As my friend Stella says, we all have a certain set of tools in our toolbox, and this wasn't one of mine and it wasn't one of yours -- How could it be???   You were busy living your life, raising your other kids and doing the best job you knew how to do.  I adore your son and hope the best for him.  And, if anything good has to come out of this terrible thing, it is that now we can finally talk about it and maybe save a life.... Ginger      

Katie-you're beyond wise and lovely. And based on her comments alone, I also admire your friend Cathy. Be good to yourself Katie. And thank you, thank you for such an unflinching post.

Katie, No one is judging. This could happen to anyone. I've known you since you were pregnant with Henry and I know for fact you are one of the BEST mothers anyone could have. And Henry is a precious boy with a horrible illness. This is not your fault. Thank you for sharing.

I have no real insight into addiction or the terrible fear you must be feeling now.  I just wanted to add another faceless post of support.  I will continue to anxiously follow H's progress.  You are in my thoughts.

Also, given that your Dad's struggle with addiction, this is a wake-up call for your whole family, and now a process where everyone can be involved.

Had you begun attending Al-Anon classes after H. attended the treatment? How do you see your role? This, too, can be a complex answer as there are so many ways to proceed. Thrilled that H. is moving forward on the path to healing, and I hope so, on many levels!

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I can't imagine the nightmare.  Thanks for the perspective.

Katie, No one who has followed your writing for any time at all, and no one who knows you in real life, could possibly think you are a bad mother.  You are a wonderful mother.  ALL parents make mistakes.  Don't blame yourself for this.  I am sure you have done everything possible.  Addiction can be genetic.  It is nothing you did.  We've all prayed Henry back to life; now that everyone knows about this, we'll start praying for his freedom from this disease.  Because it IS a disease, like depression, not a character flaw. And everyone who reads you regularly also knew that there were problems with your son.  I never thought you were hiding anything; I thought you were respecting his privacy, and that was the right thing to do at the time, just like talking about it is now the right thing to do.

I think this is an incredibly brave post. I am proud to be your friend.

How utterly heartbreaking.  You're in my thoughts tonight.

I agree with all the posters who point to the issue of H's privacy as a very reasonable explanation for your relative silence on this matter in the past. As a relatively new mom (my daughter is the same age as C), but also older sister I so appreciate your generosity in sharing your stories and wisdom, and yes, pain, with us. I hope you feel the love and support of your many grateful readers.

Thinking of you and your family ((hugs))

Wow. That was a brave thing, you just did. And I think that it must have been a huge relief to say it "out loud". Good luck to you and yours on this journey.    

Katie,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope that you, in this unimaginably difficult time, remember to treat yourself with the same care and love which you extend to Henry.

You are an inspiration, I imagine H will feel the same way. For whatever reason this is his journey. I hope this is his bottom and he fights his way back both from the physical pain and the addiction. Find support for yourself so you can learn how to help him fight but also realize it is HIS fight. I have a daughter who is C's age and I love following your posts. You are an amazing Mom you will survive and be even stronger than you thought possible.   Hugs and support to you, H, and your family.

if they judge, smile, as they are fortunate enough to have not been there. ;-)

My father and stepmother both have 20 years of friendship with Bill. Lifetime healing does happen. And even better? There's always progress if not perfection.

I wish I could sit down with Henry personally and tell him what his story means. I remember 15 years ago being a starry eyed 21 year old attachment mama who wanted to be KAG when she grew up. And some stuff went down in my life... And I was dealing with grownups making Henry size mistakes who saw his mistakes and said "omg I do not ever want my wife/sister/daughter/niece to see me that way!" and know how it affects me and are working harder to heal.

Henry is good stuff. And his grandpa is looking out for him and says "no stay the hell out I am still arranging things you can come here later!"

You are so very brave.  I hope nobody gives you a hard time, especially now, of all times!!!

Katie,

My heart goes out to your and your family. I'm glad you've decided to be open about this. Keeping the secret must have only made the burden that much heavier.

I hope you can also ease up on the self-blame here. While there are many choices made along road that got H where he is right now (most of them his), you rightly named addiction as a disease.

The scariest part about parenting is how little control we actually have over our children and the world around them and how impossible it is to protect them. We provide love and guidance and take each day as it comes. We do it because of the love, and because, on balance, the joy out weighs the pain. Here's hoping the scales tip in that direction for you all very soon.

- Jen

Katie-

Love to you and your family.

Abouelata's

You have made a giant leap opening up your heart and telling your story. You are NOT alone and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.  

Jeanie

Hi Katie

Don't beat yourself up anymore and don't worry about what you could have done differently nor what your friends and family might choose to think. Rather think about what your next step might be. May I suggest that you 1st  surrender yourself completely to the idea that God can and will heal your pain and give you "life" if you would only surrender your soul to Him. Seriously Katie, you don't need to feel good, but you would rather experience it. Everyone messes up and tries to cover up. When we start to be honest with ourselves, God grace becomes a reality. I hope that this note will encourage you to look up rather than down. All the very best in the weeks and months ahead.

If only we parents could take credit for all the wonderful things about our kids as much as we bear the guilt for their challenges; but so much of it just seems to come down to luck and biochemistry.

And thank you for speaking out so honestly.  My SIL is an addict who started using as an adolescent, but her family was--understandably--in denial for 20 years.  And while interventions are not always successful, the LACK of interventions is almost always unsuccessful.  Henry is still young; there is much hope for him yet!

First let me say how sorry I am to learn about this. Addiction is a horrible thing to deal with. I have known people in my lifetime who were addicted, but I can only imagine how much harder it is when it's your child. Now that I'm a parent I realize how much we pin our hopes on these children and how we try to do everything "right" to raise them to be healthy, happy and successful. Some things are out of our control. Best wishes to you and your family as you are dealing with this.

Katie,

(((hugs))) You know I have walked in your shoes.

You need to continue loving him, and go to Al-anon meetings and get yourself a skilled therapist(get a recommendation from people at alanon) to work with you and his siblings.

This is a family disease and the whole family is in desperate need of help, not just H.

My thoughts are with you and your family. I can't imagine the pain as I watched ''Addicted'' and have nightmares without being related to any of these young adults. Addiction does appear like a brain chemistry ''defect'' that cause a vast amount of suffering. On the brighter side ex-addicts are here to tell their story so there is hope. All the best possible again.

Be strong. You have many many people pulling and praying for you all. To hell with anyone that would shun you, H, or your family.

Katie, I followed your writings when my oldest was first born & we were new to Attachment Parenting. You & your son are in our thoughts and prayers....

I was beyond shocked to read today's blog. I read your blog regularly, and never would have guessed. I will be praying for you, H and your family.

My prayers are with you and your son.  I work in the field.  I would like to bring this man, Terrence Gorski, to your attention... http://www.tgorski.com/  I've heard wonderful things about him.  I know this comment is buried about 9000 comments down, but I pray that you see it and it helps.

I am so sorry that your family is experiencing this. My best friend's family went thorough this, and I want to emphasize how much this is affecting your other children, as well. My friend was terribly worried about her brother, who ultimately died from this horribly disease. Her parents' denial was incredibly painful for her -- it will mean so much to ALL your children that you are addressing this head on. My friend and her remaining brother are very very close, and her remaining brother stopped his drug use (it was a very loved elder brother who died) upon their brother's death. I pray that your courage in facing this disease helps your family avert the tragedy that my friend's family has experienced. Know that you are in the prayers of many, and that you are not in this alone.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your son, and your family. I'm so, so sorry. Thank you for sharing with us. Too often drug addiction isn't talked about, but it needs to be talked about, because how can we help something without a name, and how can we validate the experience of addicts and the people who love them?

ugghhhh....hate this one.  so sorry and our thoughts are with you and your son.  

So many people share your story. My husband and his siblings were teen addicts, have been in and out of evaluation and treatment all their lives, and remain high-functioning adult addicts, in varying degrees of recovery, including not in recovery. My husband and his brother also have bipolar disorders and anxiety disorders, and have been resistant to evaluation and treatment, but again are high-functioning -- people around them do not realize. However, almost everyone to whom I tell my story has a similar story. And there is a lot of support and information out there. So far, my son is healthy, and I hope he can stay that way, but there are no guarantees, as we watch his father get worse and worse. Best wishes to you.

No matter how well we parent, we cannot prevent disease and like you wrote addiction is a disease.  I hope Henry will recover fully in all aspects.  This must be so incredibly hard for all of you.  You're in my thoughts and I hope you have the real life support among family and friends, that you need.

My prayers are with your family. No blaming from this end and there shouldn't be from anyone else. As our children grow they make their own choices...many times they are not positive. We can only love them and be there for them to help pick them up when they fall.

My thoughts are with you and your family. Addiction is a terrible thing but as so many have said you should not be ashamed and you have done nothing wrong. Two days ago my best friend lost his 26 year old sister to a recreational drug overdose. She too had be spiraling out of control since she was 14, had been to numerous rehab programs and had been given every benefit that her family could give her. Henry is lucky to have you as a mother, maybe this will be the wake up he needs to want to change his life for the better.

Your family is in my prayers. I hope your son has a full recovery.  Thank you for sharing your story.

Katie, I'm so sorry this happened. I don't think it's your fault, I know kids can and do make their own choices and a lot of the time it is not what the parents would have them choose. I hope and pray that his recovery will go well.

Katie you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of love from one of your febgroup mom's

I am so, so sorry that your son and your family are going through this.  My brother did lose his life to his drug addiction almost three years ago.  I know first hand how difficult it is to know how to love and support someone whose life is totally consumed by drugs, as well as how hard it can be to talk about it publicly.  People say and believe dumb and cruel things at times.  I'll be praying for his recovery, your strength, and that you'll receive nothing but support and love from your real-life family and friends.

Katie, you are one of my parenting heroes, ever since I read your book on Attachment Parenting when my youngest was just a baby. As an adult who battled with drug addiction as a teenager, I know that all of the love in the world cannot save an addict from themselves and as now the mother of a teenager, it's one of my greatest fears to go through what you have been going through.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this and I hope that he recovers quickly.

Katie, I have been reading your writing since the early 90's.  I live in Minneapolis, and my oldest son is just three months older than Henry.  He has been through 9 treatment placements.  His continued use means that as of this week, he is homeless.  I cannot live with a using addict and many younger children, one of whom is fresh out of treatment herself.  I too have been gripped by shame, and I know it does not make things better.  I know that you don't know me, but know that I am holding you in my heart.  You are not walking this alone.  Blessings,  Trish

Katie,  My thoughts are with you and your son.  I wish you strength to deal with all of this.  

Katie, you are quite an amazing Mother and I have thought that for many, many years.  This just makes me respect and look up to you more.  This could happen to ANY ONE OF US Mothers. You are so strong. Love and peaceful thoughts your way. Tons of prayers for H.  

I am so sorry.  You are amazing.  Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending so much love and support to you and yours in this time. As the daughter of a person who struggles with addiction I know how easy it is to judge an addict, but it is a disease that requires compassion. People are quick to believe that I am somehow a bad daughter, because I am not closer with my addict mother. I can only imagine the struggles you face as a mother. Addiction isn't something you can love or discipline away. Please don't blame yourself. I wish you so much support in this time. I hope you find strength in knowing you are not alone. Not for a second.

Way to respect your adult son's privacy.

I am a friend of a friend. (Dawn) Every single person raising a child should read this. I could say more here, but your message says it all.

Pretty much every addict starts out experimenting casually with pot, but that certainly doesn't mean that every child(or even most children) who tries pot winds up addicted to hard drugs. You aren't a bad mother for not taking his early dabbling more seriously- you couldn't have forseen the road it was leading him down. For what its worth, you have one more internet stranger hoping you'll go easier on yourself and wishing your son a complete recovery. Here's hoping that this is his rock-bottom.

You have done and will continue to do the best you can in your parenting role, just as I am and so many others.  We all make mistakes.  We all wish we could redo things.  But we stand by our kids, and that's what matters!

Over the years I've learned to surround myself with the people who stand by you through life altering, embarassing, insanely traumatic situations such as the one you are going through, without judging.  Cause those are the people worth having around.  The others?  Not worth your time, effort, or concern.

You haven't lost this blog reader!

Prayers, Katie, for you, H, and the family.  Is he hospitalized near your home or near where he goes to school?  I'm glad you're having a good experience with the hospital staff.

My children are very young, but I can imagine how heartwrenching it is to see your baby suffering through addiction.

Katie - no judgment, not now, not ever. Addiction sucks - and I'm so glad Henry will have a second chance.  I pray for divine guidance to help get you all through it - safe nd healthy on the other side - until Henry is old and grey!! Addiction is so much more rampant than anybody knows.  We'll learn from you as you go forward, I'm sure.  And we'll keep on sending you a web of love to hold you up.

This brought tears to my eyes.  I am the mother of 2 beautiful toddlers.  It hurts my heart to think of one of them suffering this way.  And I know it could happen.  To any mom-perfect or not.  Many prayers for him and your family.

Your post made me cry at my desk this morning.  I have two young sons, and I can't imagine your heartache in going through this.  I am so sorry.  I am sending best wishes to you, your family and H - hopefully this will be a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I'll continue to pray for H's -- and your family's -- recovery.

I'm just echoing the comments that so many others have made -- no judgment here, and I think it's incredibly brave of you to bring this subject out into the open. I'll continue to pray for your family as you navigate these treacherous waters.

I won't reiterate all the wisdom others have already written here, but know that I agree with them. I have seen drug addiction destroy lives, I have seen amazing recovery happen as well. The future is unwritten for H, but no one can make the choices he has ahead except for him. You will do your best, but ultimately he will choose his own path. It is something no one should have to face. I hope for strength for all of you.

Prayers for you, H and your family.

Since last week I've been following your updates on FB and felt so glad and relieved when Henry seemed to make it past the critical stages, as if I knew him for real.

It's a horrible tragedy, but you're right, it shouldn't be a secret. Sending much love, and genuinely hoping that this will be the wake-up call.

And of course this is a private, and painful matter, and you should feel totally free to discuss it or not, but actually I would be really interested if you wrote more about this. If only to maybe help other parents understand and learn how to deal with their own kids?  

Katie,

It could be any of us who have children.  My own son experimented with drugs as a teenager, and luckily, the worst that happened to him was that he was arrested and in jail at one point.  I too wanted to keep it a secret because we blame the parents, don't we??  I admire your courage and fortitude.  I will go on the website to see how I can help with the other family members.  Remember to take care of yourself and the baby.

I am the mother of two toddlers, and I find your honesty deeply moving. I will try to honor your experiences by remembering your admonition not to blow off early experimentation with alcohol and drugs, should I find myself there someday. It is a truly remarkable thing that in this hour of pain , you are writing advice to the rest of us. I promise not to turn my ears deaf to your words, however many years may go by in the meantime.

Thank you for confronting this, and bringing it to the rest of us with such grace. What you all are going through--you, your loved ones and your son--is as bad as it gets; addiction is a cancer of the most intractable kind. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Katie,

Peace to you and your family.  This is a disease that so many families have struggled with, including mine.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.  Our prayers are with you all.

I'm so sorry about your son.  You've taken your power back by letting go of your secret, and that will give you the strength moving forward to do whatever you need to do.  I wish you the best of luck.

Katie-

Melissah Bruce-Weiner is a co-worker of mine and she just shared this with me.  I am so sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  I am a mother of three young men two of whom are teenagers and I know how hard it is when you are working and trying to provide a room over their heads.  No one with any basic common sense can blame you when children reach a certain age they walk their own paths, so please be comforted in knowing that any one of us could be going through the same thing you are.  Thank you for sharing your story with us I know that it must have been very hard you. Keeping you and your family in my prayers always.

Katie,

Ever since I met you when H was a boy and J was a toddler...and we got J and Marley together for play dates...I have admired you as a mother and that has not stopped today after reading this blog...it only increased my sense of respect for you.  Many prayers to you and your family.

I applaud you're 'coming out' and would like to add that it's important to avoid labeling your child and yourself, even if there are times when the disease seems to be the most prevalent and predominant characteristic of your son's existence and of your relationships. You're in a terrible weak spot now. Now. Not forever.

And while we're encouraging parents to stop viewing 'casual marijuana use' as 'what kids will do', we should add that parents of children as young as toddlers can often spot signs of possible/probable future illicit drug use or alcohol abuse.

Personally, as someone who's been down that road personally and professionally, I am continually amazed at the number of people -- particularly those in the generations who are presently parenting young children to teens -- who still think drug abuse and its life problems are something that happen to 'other kids'. I will never cease to be in awe of that incredibly powerful, probably very American denial.

What a beautiful and heartbreaking post. Thank you for mustering the bravery together to share this. Nothing matters more than his recovery ... I know "my thoughts are with you" doesn't do much, but they are.

I am tempted to believe that we parents overestimate our ability to determine how our children's lives unfurl ... we take too much credit when things go well, and blame ourselves more than we should when they take a bad turn. My father used to say that parents are the bow and kids are arrow, and the best a parent can do is aim well; the flight path is really determined by the child. I think even this metaphor overstates parental influence. The influence of peers is huge, quite possible larger than that of parents. Among other factors. All of this is to say that I concur with all those above who saw that you should not blame yourself -- you are clearly a wise and thoughtful mother.

My thoughts are with you.  

I think it's amazing that you shared this- addiction is a disease it's not a reflection of you as a person, a parent or your family.

So many families are going through this & shame shouldn't be another added emotion that they have to go through.

Thank you.

My prayers are with you. I have never dealt with this issue, but for the grace of God, there go I.  I pray your son heals from the overdose and from his addiction.  Even if he does not know it, he is lucky to have a loving family.  And even if you do not know it, you are not to blame for your son's addiction.  Blessings upon you.

Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry. Have strength.

And can I just say--I've always been sort of in awe of you: you've got four kids! you're an awesome writer! you work full-time AND you're obviously a loving, involved mom! you've got four kids AND a full-time job AND you're pregnant AND you write sharp, incisive, intelligent stuff! But now I am not just "sort of" in awe: I am really, totally, truly in awe. To be doing all that you do and to be struggling to help a child who's going through this is amazing.

I'm thinking of you and your family.  

I have to commend you for sticking by your son, and trying to help see him through his addiction. It is a long hard and frustrating road. He is very lucky to have you. I struggled with addiction as an adolescent and young adult, and my parents looked the other way as if it just wasn't happening. Its not easy being the families big dark secret. I'm sure even if he never expresses it, your support throught this means more to your son than he will ever express.  

Thank thank you for this brave post. My prayers continue to be with you, for healing for all of you, and for grace and forgiveness for yourself--the same kind of love and forgiveness it sounds like you are able to give to your beautiful, beautiful son.

nobody brings this upon themselves.i am just a mere stranger on the internet but at this moment, i am sending you best wishes and love...

As long as we demonize addicts and keep their disease a secret, it is easy for others to pretend that it happens to other people's kids and to imagine that they will somehow remain untouched.

To reiterate what many have said before, no one chooses to be an addict, no one brings this upon themselves, and it is no one's fault.

Thank you for speaking out. My thoughts are with you.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and your family all day today. I'm sending so many positive thoughts your way and hoping for healing for all of you...

I am so sorry.  All of my thoughts and prayers are with you.  Drug addiction is a terrible disease, and you are not alone in your struggle.  Thank you for trusting your readers enough to share.  We are here for you, always.

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this, your words are so powerful. I have been a long time reader and have never commented before but you are truly an inspiration as a parent. Addiction is a terrible disease and in no way your fault or your son's fault. Blame will not heal anyone in this situation. I'm sending positive thoughts to your son and your family. I hope that he recovers quickly and fully.

Having been there as an older sister of a darling brother who died in his sleep at age 19 of an overdose AND older sister to another brother who suffered an extreme head trauma injury requiring a medically-induced coma for three weeks of stabilization, my heart ACHES for you, your family and your other children. (In fact, I almost had to go lie down to calm my heart after reading this, my flashbacks were so severe.) Oh, this is so, so, so terrible.  I am hoping and praying for healing to occur for your family. I don't have great words for all of this, except I UNDERSTAND.  XXOOOXXXOOOO. ((Hugs))  

I am SO sorry for your son and your family.  Life is so frickin' hard - and I embrace your passion for parenting, and for putting yourself out there.  May your family and son find peace, wherever life takes you.  I am a recovering addict of alcohol(now food...) and know that he might never tell you but what you are doing, just being - still being - attached, is the best and most you can do.  I believe in God - thus will pray for you all tonight, and only hope I can be as strong as you throughout all stages of my children's life.  I can tell you - I fail everyday in some way and just keep on keeping on and try to grow and do/be better.  Gentlest of Hugs!

I was a teen addict and am now living in recovery with my own on the way, I understand what you're going through and know that its possible for your son to recover from this. Stay strong

You ask what her next step(s) should be...well, you definitely needs to cut out something from your busy life. The blog description says it all:

"A working mom embraces life with four busy kids and a continually buzzing Blackberry.

Katie Allison Granju lives in a 100-year-old house with her husband and her four children, who range in age from one to seventeen. She's a book author, a freelance writer and Director of Social Media at a public relations firm. She doesn't know how she does it either."

Well, you don't "do it all"! And who could? What hubris to think one can properly raise 4 (5!) children while working multiple jobs.

I feel for you and don't mean to slam someone when they're down, however, talking about this as an "issue", taking the situation out of the specifics of your single situation (because you *are* making it, and all other details of your life public), I think it should send a message to people who pop out a ton of kids and expect to have fab careers...when do you nurture the kids? Your son didn't get this way overnight.

I really admire Katie's courage in writing this and finally, letting go of the guilt and shame she's been holding inside for so long. And for what reason? Fear of being judged by the parenting police?  WHO CARES.  We're all in this motherhood thing together.

Katie, I hope we can all learn from your example. Sharing our imperfections with  our parenting peers sets us free, and reminds us that we are all connected. Everyone has their issues, no matter how it seems on the outside.

www.mymommymanners.com

I am so sorry -- what a tough turn this is for your family.  Best wishes as you all work through.

There's not much to say. I know (well, sort of--second hand) b/c I watched my mother deal with the same exact thing with my brother, her first born son. It's devastating. But, what you are doing today, outing yourself, as you put it, is, in my humble experience, a very important thing for you, your son and (this part I know FIRST hand), your other kids. It's brave. It's a step towards healing.

My brother was a very extreme case and, sadly, he didn't survive his addiction. But, as I continue to watch my father wither under the burn of his guilt, I also watch my mother survive and find happiness in me, her grandkids and other small joys. She'll always be sad but, I believe, she is able to find ways to enjoy life because she did what you're doing now: she found a way to be honest, find support, and face her son's disease in a way that empowered her to provide him with everything he needed to fight. Despite that, he wasn't able to, but she knows that she did all she could.

I wish you all the best.

Oh... and (for what it's worth)... the comments like the anonymous one before mine should be, IMHO, completely ignored. There is no point in blaming yourself. Even if you contributed to the issue (and, by the way, what parent--even SAHMs who devote themselves to their children--doesn't contribute to their children's issues?!) the only way forward for you AND your son is healing and forgiveness. If you're doing what you need to do now, that's all that matters.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this; however, I think it is so important to be open and honest about addiction. Hiding or ignoring it only serves to perpetuate the idea that it is shameful. It's not; it's just terrible, terrible to watch your loved ones doing their best to destroy themselves. Being open and honest can go a long way towards removing the stigma from the terrible disease of addiction. And you may find that there are others around you struggling - it helps to know that none of us is alone.

Your son is very fortunate--it's obvious that you are perceptive and attentive.  Maybe reading some autobiographies of recovering from addiction might help . . . though some are better-written than others, and it might be re-traumatizing to read about some of the experiences.  I've just begun to read your blog, so I don't know much about your experiences yet . . . but addiction is in my family, too.  (My big break-down issue as a teen was an undiagnosed learning disability, which I write about on my blog:nldthoughtsandfeelings.wordpress.com.)

You will need individual-level support for YOU, such as a therapist if at all possible.  Structure and supervision will both, I think, be important elements of your son's recovery and rehabilitation.  I don't know if you have pets, or can have them, but if he can be the primary person caring for a dog or cat, it could be a very theraputic source of support to him.  I will be thinking of you, and reading your blog entries, as you do the tough work of going on.  

So glad and relieved to see the comments here are so supportive, which is exactly what you deserve. Thinking of you and your family.

Hm mm...I think you are so very brave for sharing and I know that No mum out there will call you names..

just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

By God 's Grace your son will pull through.

Keep the faith.

I'm thinking of you.  Though I fear being presumptuous, be sure to involve your other kids in conversations about H, and get them all some one-on-one time with a therapist.  I had pretty serious drug problems in college, that I got past, but it was really hard on my younger sister.  My parents couldn't help being partly absent from her to take care of me, and it would have helped her to have someone she could say anything to.  She always had to be careful to not hurt my feelings or my parents', and I think that's really rough for kids.

So, yes, I hope for the best for you and your family.  Don't forget to take care of yourself while you're taking care of H.

Oh, and the people giving you a hard time for talking about this, or for somehow being responsible: They're wrong, and they can shut it.

There are daily Al-Anon meetings in most communities, find one and you will find a roomful of people who have lived your experience and can offer the love and support you and your family need.

Sending positive thoughts to you & your dear son ...May his recovery from the OD & the addiction be a complete one.

You did what you had to do at that time & all of us moms make mistakes we are human.

I applaud you for your courage & strength.

From most of the comments it is easy to see you and your son are cared for by many people, even loved not judged.  I have never personally met you, but I love you and your family very much.  And whatever you believe, Jesus loves you and your family more than you can ever imagine.  His love surpasses all understanding.  We can't understand why he would love us when it feels to us we have screwed up beyond any forgiveness he could give us.  But he is always there with open arms, ready to comfort and heal.  You and your son are precious to him, no matter what.  You do not need to get your "act" together, or clean yourself up first.  He loves you right now, the way you are.

Thank you for sharing with your readers.  It is in our most difficult times that we most often encounter God.  And it is your sharing that most helps others.  I will be praying for you and your family.  God Bless.

So sorry. I hope your "outing" yourself brings nothing but relief and compassion from others. Again, so sorry. You are not alone.

Bravo for not feeling like you need to keep this in anymore!  Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets.  Now that the huge baggage (we are talking louis vitton big) has been lifted, you have a chance to breathe and help your son to heal.  I have a son with Autism and come across so many mothers who feel shame about it.  But I never have.  I feel so much better not having a huge secret that has tried to run our family but we don't let it.  I come from a family of addiction and have seen many people come back and really heal themselves, their family and their souls.  

I'm so sorry you have to watch your son suffer so.  But you sound amazingly strong, patient and compassionate.  Hang in there.

BTW, when people tell you, "it's going to be fine", (which always drives me nuts when NOTHING feels fine), keep in mind, that's about them and making themselves feel better.  You feel however you want to feel.

Peace and prayers to you and your family at this difficult time.  You are not alone.

You are not your son.  here let me say that again: YOU are NOT  your son.  and if they judge you?  then shame on them, but remember this: everyone has their secrets.  Yours has been made public and that sucks, but you will survive and thrive.  Your son will be/do what he will be/do and you can try to influence him on the right path, but he has to want it, because if he doesn't, then all of this will be for nothing.  Addiction is an evil monster, it claims the best and the brightest and the most angelic.  I hope you are in Al-anon or nar-anon or some other program to help you.  if you aren't please do...It saved MY life, and it might save yours.  We are here.  We have done this.  you can do this.  it's only today.  hugs!!!!

You are very, very brave to put this out there and I hope no one will judge you for it.  I have read your blog off and on and know what a loving, wonderful person you are.  

I am sending all my positive thoughts towards his recovery.

Katie, I've admired your strength and convictions and generosity as a mother and writer for many years, and all the moreso now. Thank you for giving all of us who care about you and your family the chance to offer you support. I'm thinking of you and Henry and your whole family, and holding you in my heart. ox kate

Katie,

Thank you for being so brave.  I am the mother of a drug addict too.  He is also my firstborn and smart, sweet, compassionate and loving...before the addiction.

He's a husband and father, but remains my sweet baby boy.  It is so terribly difficult and I understand everything you said in your blog.  All the feelings are sometimes just too much to bare.

I'm so terribly sorry about your son.  I am keeping up with his progress through your other blog and on Facebook and I will be in prayer for him and your family daily.

My son is currently in recovery and doing OK.  It's one day at a time, though.  

Thank you again for sharing your story for those of us who are just not able to yet.

To be honest I have not read you blog before, but after seeing in this post what an incredibly strong woman and loving mother you are, I am about to. I wanted to say that as a lurker there is no judgment here. I live in fear of addiction. Its a terrible disease and only once the shame is gone can we as a society begin to adequately support those who suffer from it and their families. Thank you for being one more voice and for talking about what so very many families go through silently.

Thank you for sharing part of your story with us.  How brave of you to say out loud the things that need to be said.  I have 3 brothers, 1 of which I would consider an addict and 2 who are more of occasional users.  I myself am a social worker and lead a much different life than my brothers.  I do not do drugs, neither did my parents.  My brothers and I had the same upbringing yet turned out so differently.  Yes parents influence their children and they should do everything they can to prevent their child from ever even experimenting with drugs, however children make theier own decisions.  And sometimes no matter what the parent does it is no use.   H just like my brothers has to make the decision for themselves to change their lives around.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

This is my first time visiting your blog. It takes strength to talk about problems like this one, and until reading this post I never realized how much pain I must have brought to my friends and family a few years ago.

Your son is lucky to have a mom like you by his side. Most people I know with drug issues have no one to sit by their bed when they're in the hospital. Not many people understand that Addition is an illness, something we can't always control.

Your son is in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope one day he can proudly say he is clean. This year I am celebrating my 4 year anniversary of making better choices. It will be a struggle for your son that he has to fight every day, but with a mom like you, I know he has a fighting chance.

Thank you for sharing.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Please don't listen to those who ask judgemental questions like "did you drink when you were pregnant?" those people need to open their minds! But please protect your other children from your oldest child's influence, the young ones absorb so much!

The people who judge you aren't people who care about you. The ones who do will stand beside you. You & your family have our thoughts & best wishes. Hang in there.

There are so many comments here already, probably most from people you know. And yet somehow I feel the need to add to this din, this dull roar until it becomes such a loud, overwhelming thunder that all you can hear is that there is love, support and help awaiting you and your family.

I am terribly sorry, that your son is sick and that you are all suffering.

Please know I am praying, and I know I am not alone and neither are you.

Thank you for sharing. Addiction runs in our family and like many others we confront it when we must but otherwise it lays like a lion waiting to roar its ugly head. Reading your post is an important reminder that I too have to confront the disease and protect my little one. He is still a baby but one day he will need to know that he can make choices and one path is dangerous.

Addiction is an illness. I hope that one-day soon society will see that it isn't a lifestyle choice, it is a medical disease and hopefully we can find a cure.

I do not know what to say because I can only imagine the viceral pain you have to be going thru.  All mothers make mistakes, that is a fact but none of us choose to make decisions that will intentionally send our kids to a street corner in search of the next fix.  My heart goes out to you and your family and thank you very much for telling us about your mistake, because I always find it hugely helpful to know what you did or did not do.

Hey Katie-any updates on his condition?

Praying for you and your family.

What amazes me as I scan all of these comments is how much healing your post already has brought. Not just to you for releasing such a terrible burden and allowing others to help you carry it, but for all of the others who now feel more free to release their own burdens.  That's what we're all here for, after all ... to help each other out.

I'm dropping in from sfgate to say how incredibly sorry I am to hear your son is so ill. I hope you aren't blaming yourself disproportionately - if you've made mistakes, they're ones we could all make.  No one has a manual, and so much depends on the individual child.

You don't know me at all, but I will be rooting for your son.

I'm so sorry to hear this, and like everyone else, am wishing H and your family all the best.

Ugh. What an horrific journey. My heart goes out to you and your family.

My brother battled drug addiction during our youth and young adulthood; my first husband was -- is -- an alcoholic. To keep it a secret is by far the first and most common reaction most of us have to the disease of addiction. It's also part of the addiction cycle, and revealing the reality is one of the most important things you can do to break that cycle. To hell with what anyone else thinks -- to care is to stay in the disease loop. So, good for you. You've taken an amazingly brave step and are an inspiration to me and others, as well, I'm sure.

Thoughts with you as you stumble down this bumpy path. Good wishes for your son's complete recovery -- physically, emotionally, spiritually.

You are not a bad mother.

My cousins also suffers addiction, and though he has not had as significant an event as your son is going through, my cousin has been in and out of rehab for a few years. He had a perfect childhood, with amazing parents and a loving extended family. His parents were not bad parents. You are not a bad parent.

I am praying for his recovery, from this immediate threat and in the long run.

Thank you for your poignant words and honesty. I wish a full recovery from all of it for your son: the physical and neurological damage, the addiction. And I wish for you that wish that every mother has for her children: that they grow to be creative, energetic, loving adults leading fulfilling lives. I say a prayer for you and yours.

You are amazing for sharing.

I wish you and your son all the support, kindness, love, and tough love that you need and deserve to grow and recover.

You are not a bad mother. My mother struggled with the guilt and shame of my addiction for a long time. I know firsthand the damage this disease does to the bonds of family and love. However, it is important to keep in mind that healing IS possible. Two years ago I was supposedly graduating from Columbia University in NYC--unfortunately I hadn't been going to class, so after my mother watched me walk at graduation, I had to come forward and say that I wouldn't be receiving a diploma. One year, two felony charges, three days in a psych ward, thousands of dollars of therapy, and one stay in an outpatient "treatment facility" (that let me fail every drug test without consequences) later, my parents finally built up the courage to tell me that I would be homeless if I didn't go to treatment. I agreed to go. I have now been sober for almost a year and am going back to school in September to finish my bachelor's degree.

Your son CAN recover. While it is important to remember the "three C's" (you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it), it is also important to keep in mind that addicts with a strong family support system tend to have a much better chance of achieving long-term sobriety than those who don't. My one caution to you would be to avoid the delusion that your son can use any mood-altering substance safely. Suboxone, methadone, that "one beer with dinner"...these are all roads that lead right back to the hell of active addiction. Given as your son is young and will probably be depending on you for medical treatment, I think this is important to keep in mind.

Go to Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Families Anonymous, or whatever floats your boat. Treat yourself kindly. Find a good therapist. Remember that no matter how far away it may seem, recovery is possible. It is happening every day for countless people, and it can happen for your son, and for you.

With boundless metta and compassion,

Evan

I know this too well.

First, you like the feeling.  Later, you come to realize that you now need the drug just to feel NORMAL, and if you do NOT get the drug, you feel so sick you wish you would die.  And you will do far, far worse things than you had ever thought you could do in order to avoid that sickness that feels like death and torture.

it is a dreadful thing.  I hope and pray there is recovery in your future and his...  and thanks for sharing.  God's blessings to you and H and all who love him.

Strength to you.  

My oldest son is an alcoholic. He started drinking when my ex-wife, his mother, and I got divorced. She would say things like "At least he's not using drugs" and other stupid drivel. Alcohol is a drug, and it is addictive and readily available. I have never been much of a drinker, a six pack of beer would last me a year, if not longer, so I have had to educate myself on the issue. Al-Anon helped me a lot, but now at age 32 the boy has been a drunk for 17 years and has accomplished next to nothing, other than managing to stay drunk.

I did once say to him "Alcoholism doesn't run in our family, it gallops." For whatever reason, I have always liked sobriety and am thankful for that. Both of my parents were drunks, my wife's father and uncle were bad drunks, her uncle died in his 40s from drinking. At least one of my brothers is a drunk, and several of their children are, too.

Who knows why people continue to chase a high or a drunk. At some point we have to accept that they are beyond our help. Or I have had to accept that. I hope your child recovers. As long as there is life, there is hope, that's what I think.

I liked Bill Cosby's stance on his daughters addiction.

In essence: "Live or die, your choice. It is now between you, your addiction, and God."

You said you loved him "beyond all reason", well it's now time to let reason back in. Let him go.

I come from a long and distinguished line of addicts and I can assure you that there is no other way.

I am not making judgments about you, but I am about your son.  The "drug addiction as a disease" model absolves the addict of personal responsibility - being an addict is like having measles, or cancer - not your fault. Well you know something, it IS your fault (you the addict). Shooting up is a behavior, a voluntary act.  Maybe being loved beyond reason meant never having to hear the word no, always getting your way, always doing what felt good.  It's time to say no, or else you are going to die.

No, Jack.  The problem is not with the

"addiction as a disease" model.  In fact, the model seems mostly correct as different people have different reactions to drugs and alcohol.  Some are addicted at first use and others do not care to repeat the use or lose interest before becoming addicted.

In addition, there are strong correlations with family and family history.  That argues for genetics and a genetic component.

However, once the disease is recognized, then the question is "You got it.  It doesn't matter where it came from. What are you going to do about it".  The "addiction as a disease model" takes the concept of an individual failing out of the discussion.  Then, the focus can be on what to do about it.

Mrs. Granju, I am sorry for these difficulties - no one should have to experience them.  I wish someone in our house, like my mother, could have screwed her courage to its sticking place and talked about my dad being a drunkard, or at least not put us in a car with him, knowing full well that he either had been drinking or would be drinking while driving.  My God in heaven, we were much luckier than you in some ways.  I hope God will keep you and your family close.

I too cannot buy the addiction as a disease concept, especially since the whole notion arose because Bill W decided to start calling alcoholism a disease and was gradually able to sell the notion to doctors.  That doesn't make it true.  Having a drink or shooting up is a terribly complicated set of behaviors that addicts readily modify all the time, and until someone has done enough of his drug to really and truly fry his brain, he's a free agent.

That having been said, the fact that your beloved son is an addict doesn't mean you did or didn't do something critical.  There is some reason he started medicating himself, to dull his feelings and to stop some kind of pain, but kids hide things from their parents all the time, sometimes for fear of punishment, sometimes because they feel they have to protect their parents.  You'll probably never know, and really, it only matters to your son.

Just know this:  you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.  It's your son's behavior that is disordered and he's the only one in control of that.

PS:  Kathy @ 5:33 - you're an ignorant fool.

Sorry for the tl;dr nature of this message, but it's meant for the author - I've never visited this site (h/t Instapundit) and I doubt I come back. I say what I say with sincerity, and am not a troll.

Nice piece of writing, and a sad, sad story. I empathize with you, your son and your family. I echo others here in saying your son's problems are not your fault. I would like to offer a different premise regarding his problem:

Addiction is not a disease.

Yes, I know it's considered one, but it's not. It's a character flaw, one I've struggled with for most of my teenage and adult life. I'm 35 now, and I buy my rum by the case to save money. I have been hospitalized multiple times because of my drinking, and I've gone through a 28-day detox program.

I was raised by great parents and come from a caring home. I am well-educated and have worked hard for what I have, including my career post-hospitalization and treatment. I know what works and what does not, and yet I still drink. Again - character flaw. A major flaw in treatment was the disease paradigm - it enables addicts to pass the buck and believe they haven't brought this on themselves. Anyone reading this who has sat through AlAnon meetings or treatment program family encounters knows what I am talking about - the notion of disease is a straw man.

When you can say you have a disease, you dismiss yourself from your responsibility from your problems and empower yourself with a built-in excuse - it's not a disease, and so long as addicts believe it is, they will continue in their delusions. Diseased people rarely bring it on themselves - addicts like me not only bring it on themselves, we relish it. Show me a cancer patient who enjoys cancer - they don't exist. Show me an alcoholic who love drinking, a heroin addict that loves heroin - dime a dozen. Again - addiction is likely genetic, but it's a character flaw.

The addiction-as-disease meme is not only dangerous, it is foolish. As an alcoholic (a fully-functional one, granted), I can still keep a life, a job and a bit of sanity. I know how much it takes to get me where I want to be (875 mL 80-proof spirits over six hours on any given day). Addicts to meth and heroin can't do this, as a rule. In treatment, mixing drunks and drug addicts was an apples and oranges approach, and it does not work.

Why doesn't it? Because alcohlics are different than meth addicts, and because meth addicts are different than heroin addicts. Addiction is not a disease - it's akin to describing theft, robbery, murder, rape and terrorism with the catchall "crime" - techincally, it's true, but they are much different animals.

I hope your son can rehabilitate. The first time I was hospitalized for a three-day evaluation in a psychiatric ward, my mother was worried sick that someone would find out, partially because I am a reflection of her, and your son is obviously a reflection of you. Free advice, take it for what it's worth: your son's problems are not about you, they never have been and they never will be. They're his problems, and you can help him as much as you are willing, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that his behavior has anything to do with you - it most likely does not.

I wish you and your family the best.

What great courage you have for sharing this. Instead of shame, guilt or embarrassment (which some fools have mentioned here) you now have additional hundreds of people praying for you and your son. That is a powerful thing.

Our God LOVES US and takes great pleasure in fixing the mistakes we think can't be fixed.

Katie,

Prayers to you and your family. My son started at 12 with alcohol and marijuana. I *did* make a big deal of it, and I *did* recognize it for what it was. I got him counseling (repeatedly), begged, pleaded, reasoned, wept, punished, tried to reward good behaviour--in short, did everything I could think of, but in the end it didn't make one whit of difference. They are who they are, and they do what they do. He's 30 now, alive and kicking, and has finally become once again the person I used to know and love before this all began. He made it through, and I hope your son does, too. Good luck. Take care of yourself.

Why should anyone judge you, your family, or your son?

I am a veteran cop and I have seen the devestation drugs do to a family.  Also, I have a few close relatives that have gone down the path that your son has.  It is not fun.  It is dirty.  It is tragic.

Just know that you are not alone in this and you shouldn't be ashamed.

My sympathies. Praying for your family to come through this.

Having read your blogs off and on, I feel confident that you always did what you thought was best at every turn and will continue to do so. I grew up in a family with 6 kids and have 4 of my own. I've always wondered at how people from the same families can grow to be so different and diverse.

I've seen people from horrible circumstances to marvelously well and others from fertile, rich homes do poorly. While I've been spared, so far, the pain you're suffering, I take little credit as a parent as I know that, even with my best efforts, things could have turned out quite differently.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Continue to do your best but keep peace with yourself. You can only do so much. As others have said, you show great courage. Bless you and your's.

Katie, as the father of a heroin addict I can understand your situation. Some thoughts: 1) During recovery, take it one day at a time. "Did he do drugs today? No? Victory!   2) I got intense rehab and therapies for her  when my daughter was drunk at school at age 13, my first knowledge of her problem. Hindsight says it did nothing. I can't fix her. I'll do everything I can but I can't fix her. 3) no more secrets. You need the love and support of your friends. That what has kept me going these last 7 years. I have never regretted being open about her problems. If anything , the knowledge that people she respects know about her problem has been a plus for her and a lifesaver for me. Say the serenity prayer every day.

I hope he does well.

My firstborn also.

I too know the nightmares, the waiting by the phone, the late nights, the theft, the lies, the remorse, the trying-so-hard, the slip, the fall.

He still lives...and I am still waiting for that phone call.

The only way he will live out the decade is if he is re-arrested, and kept behind bars for the rest of his life.

I no longer hope for his recovery.

It doesn't always end well.

As they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step. Because if there is no problem, there is no solution.  I belong to a 12-step recovery and 12-step support group.  A double-winner or so they say.  As some have suggested, you need to go to Al Anon or Nar-Anon.  As the parent of a addicted child, I urge you to seek help also.

Been there x3.

Rule 1. You did not cause the addiction.

Rule 2. You can not fix or cure the addict.

Rule 3. Don't turn your back on him, but put him out of your home. He will either fix himself or die.

Rule 4. Put him out of your home.

Rule 5. Put him out of your home.

Rule 6. Put him out of your home.

Rule 7. When two years have passed of sobriety,and lawful living, then invite him for a holiday meal and thank God for a new beginning.

Rule 8. Do not worry about what you think other people think. Unless they live this themselves they can have nothing useful to say. If sometime they have the same misfortune with their own, they will come to you and say that when it was your problem they had all the answers and knew exactly what to do, but know that they are suffering the same problems, they know nothing. Kent

Got here from Instapundit.  I just want to say, I admire your courage in coming forward and admitting this, and *do not* blame yourself.  This is absolutely *not your fault.*  Speaking as the daughter of an alcoholic, I know from experience just how easy it is to think you must have done something wrong.  It's *not true.*  Your son is an addict and he will *stay* an addict until/unless he himself decides to change.  All you can really do is try and limit the damage he can do to you and yours.

Best of luck with your son.  I hope he gets a chance to clean up his act before it's too late.  

Katie, is it possible that your son can try baclofen?  Please read Oliver Ameisen's book, as described at www.jointogether.org/.../french-doctor-says-baclofen.html.  This may really be a help.

Warmly,

Barb Oakley

I am that young man. Twenty six later still sober because of the help and love from my mother and dad who never gave up on me. AA works and so does a belief in God.

It's not you, the hubby, job, school, or anything else external.  My dad is an alcoholic and his POSSLQ, also a recovering alcoholic, told him it was her or the booze, he's chosen her, so far.

I'm truly sorry that you have to watch this happen to someone you love. Yet, you still are making excuses for him.

Drug use is NOT a disease. One does not catch it, one decides to do it. And, as long as YOU accept the blame for his decisions, he will never have to do so.......

Thank you so much for having the courage to share this.  You are doing a great service to other parents, especially with your advice on your son's first experimentation.  I intend to pass this on.  I wish you the best and will keep your son in my prayers.

 Got here from Instapundit.  And God love you through this dark place.  

 Lots of folks with no expertise have lots of opinions (disease theory/drug substitutions/etc./etc/)

But those who have been there and come out on the other side surface repeatedly through your comments - and the theme is: Get to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon yourself.  These folks have been where you have been, and they can share experience, strength, hope and support.  And believe me, you will need support, whichever direction H takes.  The way back from this is so much larger than not drinking/using.  It is living life on life's terms, and finding a way to be comfortable in one's own skin.  Detox/treatment provides blessed help.  But recovery is found in rooms of AA/NA and the like. And it does not happen in a month or two.

But for those of us who love these folks?  Standing around watching every move damages them and us.  Al-Anon/Nar-Anon can provide insights on how to love the addict without supporting their addiction. And these folks from 12 step programs will be there for you both in the long term, because recovery from this is a long term proposition.

My prayers will be with you and H - please please try some Al-Anon meetings.  

Please reconsider the short blurb that currently serves as your bio at the top of the page. "She doesn't know how she does it either" is now a pretty unfortunate closing to it.

My beloved husband is a recovering addict.  After becoming hooked on pain pills, he went from the best husband ever to a person I couldn't recognize.  Life disintegrated from fabulous to huh? to worse to awful to hell on earth.

For about 3 years now, he has been in recovery.  The person I fell in love with has returned.  Make no mistake, however - the journey almost killed both of us; addiction is staggeringly difficult on both the addicted and their loved ones.

I am utterly convinced that this is a disease.  No one would willingly do this to themselves and their families.

12 steps and my group saved my life.  I recommend it wholeheartedly - and best wishes to you.  Once I realized I could love my husband - yet not save him - I myself was saved.

As a mother of a 22 year old addict I can totally relate to your situation.  I have no answers but I can tell you what has helped me.  Realize you are not alone and it may help to reach out to people who are struggling as you and your family are.  Alanon can be a wonderful support system.  Books I have read that I gained strength from:  Beautiful Boy, Staying Close, and Codependency No More.

Addiction is a horrific disease but the addict has to be willing to go to battle against it each day.  Remember to take care of yourself.

I hope and pray that the two out of a hundred posts here that cast blame on you (with no experience themselves of this problem) are ignored by you, and the many that gave you understanding love and empathy (from having been there themselves) are what you remember.

Here's one more poster offering support. This from a parent that has kids that have been there and whose friends have had their children go there as well.  We can't oontrol our children's lives, all we can do is love them, try the best we can, refrain from beating ourselves up and pray for the best.

Add me to the supporters - substance abuse comes in so many forms and is incredibly painful and hard to deal with. As a parent it's natural to think what you could do or have done differently but there are no sure fire answers. Good luck and God Bless.

You might be judged, but only by 1% of RN's and other caregivers if my 25 yr,  4 State, history correlates, but these effin idiots are worthy of your prayers or kind thoughts and nothing else - I.e. No concern or worry or any such idea. Your other Caregivers are truly that; and, more attuned to the universality and humanity of the emotions that probably cause this disease. There is no obvious, effective medical answer yet. My blessings to him, and you all who love him. As my youngest friends say, WTF, BFD... etc.

You might be judged, but only by 1% of RN's and other caregivers if my 25 yr,  4 State, history correlates, but these effin idiots are worthy of your prayers or kind thoughts and nothing else - I.e. No concern or worry or any such idea. Your other Caregivers are truly that; and, more attuned to the universality and humanity of the emotions that probably cause this disease. There is no obvious, effective medical answer yet. My blessings to him, and you all who love him. As my youngest friends say, WTF, BFD... etc.

This is the first time I've read your blog, and my heart goes out to you.  I am amazed and inspired by your strength and your love for your family.  I am sending love and my hope for the best to you and your son and your whole family.

Hi Katie,

Thank you for your brave and honest sharing.  I once believed that if I did everything right as a parent my children would turn out "right".  I have matured a great deal since then.  My journey in life has taken me from full time mom to counselor who works in a drug rehab specializing in working with moms who are addicts.  20 years ago I would have been awful at this job and judged the women harshly.  I've learned so much from them about mothering, being a woman, and addiction.  There are no easy answers to anything.  I just try to love people harder, including myself.

One thing I know for sure is that any time something happens in your life that is unusual you have the burden of the experience PLUS you have to explain it to others.  If you get diagnosed with cancer you have to tell everyone you're ok and educate them at the time you could best use support.  I can only imagine the challenges you've faced when the experience includes something our cultures judges harshly.  Bravo for having the guts to explain to everyone.   When another mom experiences something similar she will draw strength from your words.  Thank you.

My heart goes out to you Katie. We'll keep you, your son and your family in our thoughts.

I hear you, babe.  Hang in there.  Email me any time.  

Katie, I don't 'know' you or anything about you at all- I just came across you from another post.  That post said you had gotten some criticism from parents of disabled children for comparing your situation in some way to them and that made me wince in sympathy for you.

I have seven children who thus far have all turned out fairly well, and one of them is severely handicapped and I do not begrudge you the reference to the Holland/Italy story at all.  My heart aches for you.  Although pain and grief is not a contest, in many ways I think what you are dealing with is worse than dealing with a child born disabled and or disabled through some freak accident totally outside parental control.

As I said, my children have turned out fairly well so far, and I can point to things in our parenting that I do believe contribute to that,  but I am not so arrogant about our parenting that if one of them should make the same kinds of choices your son has made I could look back on my parenting and declare confidently that I had nothing to do with it because my parenting was practically perfect in every way.

We ALL make mistakes, and the effects of those mistakes are different for different children.  Parenting is, in some ways a crap shoot really.  My youngest brother and I were both abused in many ways by our father, but we reacted to that abuse differently because we were born as individuals with different personalities.  The last beating I got was when I was 13, and he was only six when the beatings stopped, but still, it seems to have hurt him more, much more, deeply and profoundly than it did me (not that I got off scott free, just saying- people look at him and talk to him and KNOW something is broken, and they are surprised when I tell them what my father was like, ane I don't even tell the whole story, ever, anywhere).

I don't mean to turn your story into my story, I just mean to demonstrate that while, yes, you probably made mistakes, in particular the one you mentioned about assuming it was normal experimentation, you might have made the same mistake with another child and the consequences would be different, lesser- parenting isn't just about us, the mothers, and the things we do and say, it's about the children, too, and the individuals they are and the choices they make, and it's about the friends they make and the friends they don't choose, and all kinds of variables.

Our severely disabled child is a challenge, sometimes an overwhelming challenge.  But in her case, I never have to wonder where I went wrong.  Nobody looking at us wonders what kind of a parent I must be to have a child like this.  In fact, because we adopted her they often make assumptions the other direction- how wonderful, patient, kind, and saintly I must be (these things are not true, I am a normal mother with more than her share of faults and shortcomings).  I do not know exactly what you are going through, but I can imagine some of it, and my heart aches for you, and I hope that letting you know that helps somehow, even if it is only a tiny bit..  

Oh Kate! Tears are streaming down my face as I read this. I am so thankful that you were able to finally let this  out. I can only imagine how you have felt through the years. I am praying for your son's recovery and I hope and pray he can stay away from the monster of drug addiction.

It's my first time here thanks to a retweet I saw. There are so many comments I don't know if you'll ever see this, but maybe so I decided to add my voice of support.

I have a son with Down syndrome and I've always felt very akin to moms of kids who are homosexual. Your post makes me feel that we are kindred spirits walking down (mostly) parallel paths too. I honestly believe that my son is the way God made him, so are the children who are gay and so is your son. It's not the "normal" path, but it is his path. While he needs your help to find his way down that path safely, it doesn't mean he is broken, deserving of ridicule or not very, very loved. All of our children are.

I try to remember that those who judge my son's Down syndrome as proof of my sins or as something sad to be prayed over are not being very Christian. Sadly, these people seem to be the ones I meet who claim to represent what Jesus taught and yet they are so.damn.judgey that it makes it difficult for me to see straight.  I hope you are spared much of that. When it does crop up, remember that you are loved as much as you love your son. Even if the atheists are right and it's just that you are loved by all these strangers on the internet. Still a healing power, in my opinion.

Good luck & good vibes, Mama!

Me too. My son, who is twenty, has been clean a year. But I never had the courage to "say" this out loud. I am the mother of a drug addict.

Thanks so much for your courage, Katie. Hugs to you, and prayers for your family, especially your Henry.

I am so, so sorry. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and drug addict who died of it when I was only 15. It is so hard to come to terms with the fact that you did not cause any of it - none of this is your fault. God be with you and your family.

I am so sorry for all your family's pain. But please don't beat yourself up over your *mistakes*. Every single parent ever has made mistakes, some certainly worse than yours, and their kid/s turned out fine. Who can say why things happen?

I am so saddened to read the story of your son.  And I don't think you should beat yourself up for your parenting "mistakes" -- many of my friends experimented with pot as teenagers and are now drug-free doctors and professors.  Some people are predisposed to the disease of addiction and others are not; there is no way you could have known that your child would be one of the few unlucky ones.

I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling right now but know that you have the love and strength of God with you to get you through this. All of my thoughts and prayers are with you x

katie,

This could have happened to any of us.  But because it did not...we will never know your pain.  If I could hold you in my arms right now..I would.  For as long as it takes to dry your tears.  My children went to school with your middle kids (J and E)  Though I never knew you, my heart is breaking for you.  I will keep you in my prayers for a very long time.

I'm so terribly, terribly sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Katie,

I'm so very sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. As hard as i imagine it was it has likely helped several parents dealing with something similar.

God bless you.

Really?  The woman who makes the remark about drinking while pregnant (which seemed to just come out of thin air and is basically an unfounded accusation against you) gets her comment published.  But I, a longtime fan who simply wanted to disagree with the idea that for a parent to be tolerant of teen marijuana use is equivalent to not treating one's child for pediatric cancer...that gets censored?  I'm disappointed to say the least.  

Yes, of course: you are dealing with a tragic situation; but you have a lot of readers, and what you post might impact voters' outlook toward the government's "war on drugs", so it is not the same as a private conversation.  And many of us deal with family tragedy as part of this difficult world we live in (my father, for instance, took his own life when I was in high school, just as his mother had done when he was a teen).  If we post about it on a blog and push an agenda which targets a large swath of the public as engaging in something essentially wicked, you've got to expect some members of that group to take exception and want to tell their side of the story.

Since you censored my previous comment, I suppose you'll do the same with this one; but since there is no "contact me" link that I can see, I wanted to communicate to you my chagrin and disappointment, as well as my hope that you'll reconsider, or at least email me to discuss your reasoning (alankingsleythomas@gmail.com).

katie, i was so saddened to read about henry's death today. my heart and prayers are with your family in this horrific time.

Love to you and your family.  Know that this is not your fault.

Dear, dear Henry... rest in peace.

Katie, my heart goes out to you and your family. Also my tears. I too am the mother of a beautiful, talented son who suffers from addiction.

He came into my life when he was 11 and I began dating his father. He will be 23 in a few weeks. We don't know where he is right now because his mom asked him to leave her house a few weeks ago.

I'm sure that deep within you, you know this but I will say it any way. As parents, we do the best we can with what we have and know at any given moment. Sometimes it seems that it's not enough.

But even when "bad" things happen Katie, remember that it doesn't change how hard we have worked, prayed and tried to give our children the best of us.

Please be blessed in your healing Katie.

Thank you for your searing honesty.

I wish you nothing but love and support as you put your family back together. And I hope you can find some peace, rest, and forgiveness for yourself. You deserve all three.

Katie wrote her son's obit today. For all those who read this please send a prayer her way.

Katie, I'm so sorry Henry lost this battle.  I know you know it intellectually, but add me to list of people telling you this is not your fault.  You didn't cause it, couldn't have controlled it and couldn't have cured it.

Plenty of people actually HAVE bad parents and don't have addictions.  As you know, addiction is a disease.

Many prayers for you and your family.  Henry was a beautiful boy.

We were all in our early teens once in our lives.  It is important for parents to remember that time in their lives and how challenging it was.  I didn't smoke pot but was tolerant of tons of friends who really enjoyed being "radical."   The teens who had troubles further than a little experimentation were dealing with more than one issue.   What could help others is the exploration of what it is like to be a teen coming into this world now.   There are too many stories about college students leaping from windows and kids who have gone "off grid" in early adulthood, suffering from a lack of direction and purpose.     Parents really can help early, especially if they know the signs of what that INDIVIDUAL needs.   It is a tricky balance, but truly worth considering a lot of focus on when the times of being a young adult calls for independence and less interference from a parent.   Love to all those who are doing such hard work in today's world of uncertainty.

My prayers go out to you and your family.  

The struggle with another's addiction is often misunderstood and mishandled by those of us who endure it.  I urge you to seek out the support of Al-Anon or another support group which deals with familial addiction.

There is so often a tendency to keep these secrets deep and dark.  You have made a big step in being open.

Best wishes,

RMB

Though we are strangers, I shed tears today for you and your son and the rest of your family.

Please, give yourself as much love as possible.  With his passing, you are now at the start of a new path.  While it's not a path you want to be on, you are on it and, as you know all too well, we are rarely given opportunities to know we have started down a new path.

so very sorry

Hi, I went to the Phoenix Outdoor rehabilitation program with Henry. My name is Stephen Hurst. I'm sure you spoke with my parents on the phone at one time or another. This whole thing absolutely blows my mind. It also saddens me, he was so full of life, and so convivial. I kept touch with him via facebook and we actually planned to meet up whenever he came down to Charlotte to see a band called Further. I will always remember him, he was one of the most unique characters I've ever met.

Katie-I hope you and your family find peace within yourself-And remember, no matter what you think that you could have done- you can not control another human being. it is not your fault-