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So many moments pass that may be pivotal, or may be nothing.  As a parent, they all add up.  You've always done your best.  A child could walk outside and be hit by a car and get really hurt, and you could say, "If only I had not rushed him out the door..."

Oh, Katie, I think I would have behaved exactly like you did at the time.  You certainly had no way of knowing that H was on his way to addiction.  I am so very sorry.

This brings chills down my spine because I had almost the exact same interaction with my Henry last year when he was 14. My reaction was the same as yours, with the same pats on the back for being so close to my son.  He hadn't used since, that I know of.

Katie, what could you honestly have done differently?  If you had freaked out, would it have changed anything?  Based on the way you describe this encounter, I would have felt and probably reacted the same way.  It really didn't seem like a big deal, and his remorse would have also reassured me that there wasn't a problem.  Had you already been thinking about/dealing with the grades dropping suddenly?  Anyways, I'm sure there's more to the story that will be revealed.  But, it is normal and healthy for you to be going over this stuff from the beginning and trying to make sense of the story.  That's what we all do to try to cope with unmanageable situations.  Wishing you calm and resolve in the face of this disaster.

Hi Katie,

Maybe you remember me from the old email lists when I used the handle BFandHS.  

I have the same question as Danielle.  What would you recommend other moms to do in similar situations?  I really want to know.  Maybe be more suspicious and watch him more closely?  Be less trusting?  But that could backfire as well.  It's really hard to know what to do.  You are in my prayers.  

Katie,

So what do you "think" or "know" you should have done differently?  I have a few of those moments in my child rearing years and I have to feel confident that God only expects us to use the resources and information He has given us thus far in our parenting journey. You are in my prayers.

Speaking as an addict in recovery.....when we're active in our addiction, we generally are doing WAAAAAAY more drugs than we admit to and lying about it all. We're good liars.

Since I got sober, I gobble up stories about addiction - they fascinate me, and I guess I'm still trying to make sense of my own disease.  Frequently, as is the case here, the parents sound so naive!  I mean, to  my eyes, it looks like this kid was snowing his mom with a sob story about weed so she wouldn't learn the true story about something else.  And 14 is not that young - I first got drunk at 9 and tried weed at 13 or 14.  Was this kid telling his mom the truth? Was this only his first time?  Did things just get worse for him after this? I don't know.  

I think parents should assume the worst and hope for the best...and remember that ultimately, we have to get sober for ourselves.  If it helps, we feel terrible about hurting people who love us.  I still have a pain in my heart for hurting my mom and I've been clean almost ten years.  I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

Good luck.

Katie,  

I must tell that I have tried it all for my 17 year old son including 1-1/2 years of weekly counselling including separate sessions with a different counsellor for medication, behavioral inpatient management, hospitalizations, juvenile detention centers, and lastly a six month rehabilitation program.  This has been going on for SIX years.  Guess what?  None have worked.  He has reverted back in a matter of two months.  I am at my wits end but in reality I have no control over his life.  I do not have the energy anymore to stay up 24/7 to make sure he doesn't use drugs or alcohol.  I cannot keep up with all of his "friends" who lie and/or their families that do not care about them.  They have to want it themselves and until they are ready to see the big picture of themselves, again, there is not a thing anyone can do.  It is so unfortunate but it is what it is.  I pray everyday for your son, my son.  It's true only God knows what the outcome is going to be for our little ones.  It breaks my heart but not as much as it has in the past.  I made myself sick over it but, again, nothing has worked.  I have had to prepare myself just in case one day this leads to him not being on this earth.  I've searched high and low for what I've done to make this happen to him, too. Children do not come with instructions.  We do the best we can with what we've got.

God bless us all!

I think you are giving great advice, based on your experience, but still, honestly, you hadn't yet had that experience when this incident happened.  Based on what you knew of your son and the kind of relationship you had up to that point, it seems to me that your actions at the time were reasonable.  I probably would have reacted much the same if I were you.

I read your post. Closed my laptop. And talked to my 9-year-old for the first time in more than just passing about marijuana and drinking and driving.

Thank you.

I guess I was thinking that maybe my so would be ok, because he "outs" himself over everything too. So what would you do differently?? If he seems upset over a transgression and I think he's learned his lesson, so I don't do much, what should I do instead?

Theresa's comment is a wise one.  Odds are, nothing would have changed with added supervision.  I'm not even sure he was purposely "snowing" you at the time - he was just confused.  It may be that there is an underlying mental health problem that led to the addiction (what I'm sure you've heard referred to as dual diagnosis).  If you had kept all drugs, etc, out of his reach (and how?), he would have found some other way to self-medicate (perhaps with self-harm).  That guilt thing you talk about his exhibiting even when young is probably key.  He may have been determined to destroy himself.  I know, absolutely unbearable to think about.  I know!  Better to pretend to ourselves that there was something, anything, we could have done than to picture our sweet babies as ticking time bombs.

And, because teens are so erratic and irrational anyway, it is very difficult to spot a true problem at its beginnings.  I think most times things like this must get very bad to get better.  And I suspect that, whether or not we do bear any responsibility as parents, that at a certain point in the teen's life, our taking responsibility (even in the past) can provide them with an excuse from doing so themselves.  We have to let go, even though it feels as if we are dropping them off a cliff.  It's not a good feeling, not at all.  You need a lot of emotional support yourself to do it, because it truly feels like the end of the world.

I think I would have reacted in the same way as you did honestly.  Because of what happened to your family I know I will react very differently now so sharing this story really is helping others (a small conciliation I know) so thank you.

Teaching high school really has had a huge impact on my parenting.  I learned a lot about teenage culture and just how much peers influence each other.  I mean you always *hear* this from the experts, etc. but I really saw it first hand.  

I was also able to observe another teacher parent her two teenage daughters.  She had raised them as a single mother (husband left when she was 20 years old and pregnant with the second).  She had had to move in with her parents and really struggle to finish school and support them all.  She was determined to have them finish college and be financially stable before they had kids themselves.  Every night at 10 pm they had to turn over their cell phones to her which she plugged into the wall in her room next to her bed.  When her oldest was a freshman at college and called her distraught that she had broken up with her high school boyfriend of 4 years (and confessed to missing all her classes that week) my friend was worried she would lose her scholarships.  So, the next week she made her come into the high school in the morning and then go to her classes and come back afterward and show her the notes she had taken that day.  Some might say this is 'controlling' because the girl is an 'adult' but I knew her daughter and she was relieved.  She needed someone to help her through this crisis.  It is different of course but I am just saying it made an impression on me.

One thing for sure is that when a kid is like H (sweet and easygoing) it is much easier to overlook some big issues that are going on and especially not notice the 'red flags.'  Anger and defiance are in your face and I think drive parents to pay more attention.  

Also, I think our schools fail our children in many regards in regards to drug/alcohol abuse education but that is a whole other discussion.

I copied the content from the anti drug website.

This is EXACTY what we did.

We did something early.

What this does not say is more often it gets worse even with this type of early intervention, not better, it's not uncommon for the kid to stop showing up, they "run away" find some willing family to let them crash from all the restrictions.

During our odyssey with my daughter addiction I did not meet one parent/child who had any success with this recommendation.

Sorry to sound so hopeless about early interventions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very straightforward way to help him is to restrict his interaction with peers who use drugs. Steer him towards an alternative group of peers who are more involved in activities that require sharpness and aptitude. Tell him that he can blame the restriction on you (this will help him save face with peers), but that he absolutely may not be out with drug using friends.

Make sure that adults supervise him whenever he goes out. This will require you to call the parents of his friends. It will give you a chance to network and to find other parents who are like-minded.

It is not a moral failing that your son lacked the will power to say no. But it tells you that he may be at risk for addiction because he wanted to say no and couldn't. You will need to stay on this issue until you are sure that the two of you (or better yet, the whole family) have put enough structure in place for your 14-year-old to be safe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But dewi, early intervention MAY help a kid out.  Maybe it didn't help your kid out (or lots of other kids) but it is better to me to try than do nothing.

Katie,

I've been following you and your family's story for a while - while I'm sure this will be cold comfort to you, please know that your and H's experience has prompted SERIOUS conversations between me and my almost 13-year-old son.  I know that these talks won't inoculate us from the possibility that my son will make dangerous or bad choices, but it has been a very real touchpoint and conversation starter for our family.

I've been thinking many times since hearing about your son and how this all began for you all, how I need to relate to my own 14-yr-old son... I was very curious how the circumstances unfolded when you found out the first time and I've very glad you related them here.  I was expecting to maybe read a story much different than this - I'm not sure why... but the story I read here was likely exactly what my reaction would have been in similar circumstances.  And that makes me nervous, because now I have to consider what the <i>next</i> steps would have to be, should I ever get to that point.  I would be really interested in seeing the sequel, how it happened the second time you found out and what you did to deal with it then.

I realize this sounds like looking for a moment to point and say, "Ah HA! THAT'S where you screwed up!" - it's not!  I just think it would be very beneficial for those like you that might have to face those same early situations to know what worked, what didn't work, and what wisdom you've gained in hindsight to help other parents and their kids who are thinking about experimenting take the correct path...

Thanks,

Barry

Katie, I also have 5 kids and I know exactly what you are talking about.  I parented my 2 oldest children exactly the same way and looking back would have made different decisions.  For anyone who has children who are starting to experiment with pot and alchohol - stay on top of it.  Ask questions, make it difficult and uncomfortable for them.  I wont go into details about my situation but it is similar.  Fortunately the outcome not as devistating.  Katie you are a loving mom with soon to be 5 wonderful children and they will all carry your through this.  H is very very lucky to have such a wonderful loving family.   What has happened to him is awful but you know, he is stil fortunate that even in this state he is loved and cared for and that will never wain.  Take comfort in the fact that you have created a loving family and you should be very proud of that.    

As Danielle said, I'm sure there's more to the story that, if revealed, will help us understand why you're looking back on your own actions in such a harsh light.  But I also ask, What could you have done differently? Perhaps you could have been more firm and imposed consequences. And didn't you do that later? But at the first sign of this problem, when he CAME to you to talk about it, I think you reacted perfectly.

I can tell you that my mom once freaked out about "catching" me doing something she had forbidden me to do (not related to drugs) and it was the absolutely WRONG thing to do. I was actually resolving the situation on my own and moving on, but her over-reaction actually led me BACK into the situation AND drove a wedge between us. I was so offended that she didn't even bother to TALK to me about what she thought she knew, just used her "power" as my mother to put the "smackdown" on me. I lost a lot of respect for her from that, and she didn't know about any of the other, often worse situations I got into after that.

As a recovering addict, I can tell you that either end of the parental involvement, reaction, or intervention spectrum has positives, negatives, issues, sorrows, blindness, compassion, etc. etc. No matter what the reaction or how much love and understanding is shown, if an addict is going to use they're going to use. My father was a LONG time recovering addict when I started using drugs and alcohol. I knew addiction was hereditary, I knew it was the wrong thing to do, I knew the risk of me becoming an addict was high. I fought it and fought it and fought it and avoided it all like the plague I knew it was. We had no alcohol in the house obviously and aside from my father's absence during his hour-long evening meetings my dad's sobriety was just something that made our family, our family. I didn't drink with friends or smoke pot until I was around 16 or so. Other kids were already experimenting. I knew whole-heartedly that I shouldn't, because of my family history and well, it was illegal! When I did start I couldn't stop it. When H was confiding in you chances are he might have known in his heart that he already had a problem, that he liked it too much, more than his friends did. He might have been obsessing over it and the guilt was making him sick - so what do you do when you feel bad about something? You tell your Mom. What a brave boy for telling you - most of us addicts just sneak around - it took my arrest at 18 (and still in High School) for my parents to know the truth behind my well concocted (I was a writer and an actress) lies. My father as I recall was understanding, stoic, firm, angry, and probably felt awful and responsible for my problem. I never, ever blamed him one bit. Still don't. I'm just wired this way, and so was he. So is your son. Addicts are just wired differently than everyone else.

No advice here, really.  Just understanding. From H's perspective and as a mother. We try our best. We love our kids. Sometimes we do things we shouldn't or react in ways we later think are all wrong. I'm sure H doesn't blame you nor should you blame yourself.

Don't beat yourself up too much. My husband started smoking pot at around the same age as H and his mother reacted full force -- calling the cops on him, grounding him for a year, etc. It only served to make him want to try harder drugs and rebel and cut off his communication with her.

I think if she had spoken to him the way you spoke to H, in his case, it might have worked better.

mamatried,

My comment was in context to Katie post writing "if only" she did something earlier. Naturally everyone should try something. My point was it does not work as easily as you imagine even if you try something very early.

Katie forgets to take some credit that she did do something aggressive to try and help H when he was only 17.

This was very interesting with respect to your probably-permanent question of "Why?"  If he feels/felt guilt for any little thing, he may have started drugs because it eased that feeling for him.  The question of why he so easily assumed guilt is probably unanswerable.  We don't know how much of our personalities is genetic and how much is environmental.  I know that I was always afraid as a child.  Did I start out that way, or was it because my alcoholic father was always a really scary man?  Only God knows.

Did you do what seemed best to you at the time?  If yes, and I hope it is, then you have to forgive yourself for not knowing all the answers.  As many others have pointed out, no one knows the answers to fixing addiction.  It's all trial and error and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  It doesn't sound like this is your fault so I hope you will let yourself off the hook, in a way that it sounds like your son was never able to do.

"H had a life-long habit of "outing" himself over minor transgressions for which he felt inordinate amounts of guilt. As a preschooler, he would frequently come confess in tears after accidentally tearing a page in a book..." We don't know why this feeling of guilt is his burden to deal with--nor why it is yours. We only know it was never as simple as smoking a joint, drinking a beer, or accidentally tearing a page. We only know you are both two beautiful people with difficult paths who deserve unconditional love.

I have a 17 year old son, just freshly graduated from high school, who I know has been drinking at parties and I'mpretty sure occasionally smoking pot with all his buds now that he doesn't have to go to school every day.  I don't freak out about it and I have had several open calm, rational talks on this topic.  We have talked at length about alcoholism on my side of the family and how fun and partying can escalte to addiction with absolutely NO notice.  He of course assures me that this is not a possibility for him, but this blog certainly gets me to thinking....I am wide open to any and all ideas pertaining to how to parent through these years, particularly knowing he will be going off to college in a couple months and will be making his own decisions.

I am reading this while on vacation at a popular beach resort town. This weekend the hotel I'm staying at is full of college students who have not come to enjoy the beach. They've come to binge drink. I'm sure that their parents are not aware that they spent the last two nights drinking, partying, driving drunk and/or being driven by drunk drivers, having non-consentual sex (the walls are thin) and behaving in a manner that is truly disturbing. I believe their parents would be horrified if they saw these young adults. (I'm horrified and I don't even know them). So, D (the above poster) this is what your child will be doing, in all likelihood, when he is off making his own decisions. Hopefully he'll be lucky and not end up killing himself or someone else.

Hi Katie,

I'm so sorry about your son. My son is 15 and he tried pot this year. My husband is a high school teacher. I was the one who noticed S was stoned at the dinner table. When my son said it was his first time, my husband said, "Kids lie. It's likely more than what he's admitting to."  My husband and I drug-tested him that night and we also took him to his therapist a day or two later. We installed monitoring software on his laptop. When he's gone to parties, we talk to the parents and I walk him to the door and make sure an adult is home. I bought additional drug tests and told my son that we'll test him at a moment's notice. We told him we reserve the right to search his room. We told him in no uncertain terms No WAY to drugs.  

We came down really, really hard on him--and reading your story and knowing what's happened--I'm glad we've been strict.

It doesn't mean that my son won't bad choices or that there are any guarantees, but it does mean that my husband I haven't fooled ourselves or minimized it. And I would have if it had just been me alone. I would have reacted just like you. I know that. I'm much more willing to give my son the benefit of the doubt. My husband is much more of a realist.

Again, I'm so, so sorry about your son and what you're experiencing. We lost my brother in law almost 2 years ago to an oxygen-starved brain injury after his heart stopped while jogging. We've been where you are in the ICU wondering what is going to happen.

Sending prayers for hope and healing your way.

Alison    

I wouldn't beat yourself up. I told my Mom before I smoked pot for the first time, but made it clear I was telling her because I wanted to have an honest relationship with her, not because I wanted advice. I smoked a few times. I stopped. No intervention, no havoc, simple.

On the other side of the spectrum, my eldest sister got kicked out of two schools for pot, ended up an alcoholic, was hospitalized, and tried to commit suicide multiple times while high/drunk. Once again, after a certain point, she took her life into her own hands. Our family supported her and provided the money for therapy and drug rehabilitation, but it was ultimately her decision when she turned the corner.

You raised your children, but they're individuals.

What happened to H was H's fault, not yours. You need to remember that.

I know that my husband smoked pot at 14... his brother was the dealer at their high school, his parents smoked pot, his older cousins smoked pot, how could he not?  Anyway no one would have intervened if he had confessed- he was on full academic scholarship at a prestigious private high school and a math prodigy.  The same year he tried pot he also taught himself multivariate calculus.

And he turned out mostly ok.. I do think he may have sabotaged his career potential somewhat through his propensity to seek out the hard party, but nothing requiring a hospital stay or an intervention.  He has two advanced degrees (math & physics) and has always paid his own bills, owns two houses and fixes them himself.  And of course he has me and our beautiful daughter.  (btw his brother hasn't fared as well.. but he has problems other than addiction.)

This could have been your son.  I agree with everyone who commented that you couldn't have known.. he might have really been ok.  I don't know the whole story, so I don't know what you could have done differently.  I don't agree with making the family a police state, but I do agree with some honest prying and talking about uncomfortable things very openly & honestly.

And yes, your story gives me pause and makes me want to be a little more vigilant with my daughter than my husband would like.  We already argue about our family drug policy.  I'm glad that we've got a few years until it's an issue... as our daughter just had her first birthday.

It's difficult to know for sure if early intervention helps because those kids don't go on to become addicts. So how can one say "I did this, and it totally worked - something didn't happen!"  We can only say in the case of addiction and intervention what didn't work, which will not show what the true success rate is.

H died today.

he was 18 years old

My heart is breaking for you tonight. Henry, you and your entire family have been and will continue to be in my prayers.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  This is just horrible.  

Katie, I heard about H this morning.  I wish I had more than just words to offer - I'm sure all your readers feel the same.  So, so sorry for your loss.  Your family is in my prayers.

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. Your family is in my thoughts during this extremely difficult time.

I just have to ask-are you saying he got brain damaged so severely from smoking marijuana that he is dying? There is no scientific basis for this. I hope that in your communications on these matters you educate yourself-marijuana is a plant that will grow like every herb in your garden and does not do this...it sounds like your son was doing things like methamphetamine or cocaine or sniffing paint or gas--those are things that lead to brain injury--fact is MAYBE he wouldn't have done those if you told him No about marijuana, but it is more likely he was already doing them at the time. Marijuana is in fact safer than alcohol, cigarettes and the pharmaceuticals that they are putting our kids on--it is just illegal so he felt guilty and came to you--whatever he sniffed or took--probably was less taboo and so he didn't feel the need to tell you. There is nothing you can say that makes this the fault of marijuana.  I feel for you-I feel for your son-marijuana did NOT do this neither did you--the chemicals in whatever man-made drug your son took did this

Oh, Katie...I am so sorry for your family's loss. Every word you told us all about him made it clear as sunlight that you love your boy. Your family is in the hearts and minds of so many of us who have been given the gift of your words.

one mother -- marijuana was the beginning of a severe, crippling drug addiction for Katie's son that lasted for years. It certainly did not stay with marijuana and went to much harder substances. And there was also an assault, in addition to a drug overdose, that led to his untimely death.

Katie's employer has set up a fund to help defray the expenses that are an extra burden at this tragic time.  Here's the link:  shanerhyne.com/.../helping-a-friend

There truly are no words that could begin to soothe the grief you must feel.  I only know of you and yours from your blog, but your story has touched me deeply and I am carrying sadness with me today.

Your honesty -  about the anguish H.'s addiction caused for all of you and about the depth of the love you'll always have for him - that honesty has been a gift to the world, Katie.  For all the naysayers, know that many people have learned from you, that parents are watching more closely now,  and that some teenagers will veer from a tragic path because you chose to open your heart and tell your story, his story - the truth.  

I know that doesn't diminish one bit the pain you are feeling, but as you remember your beautiful boy, know that you have honored him like no one else could have, and for that, gratitude abounds.

Katie,

Hoping you and your family will find peace.

Oh my God, Katie. I'm so, so sorry.

Katie,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. May you find comfort in each other as you work towards healing from this terrible tragedy. God Bless H and all of your family.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

I am so, so sorry to hear of all this.  

I believe that some people are genetically predisposed to addiction, and that sometimes nothing can help except the luck of the addict surviving long enough to quit.  I am so sorry you and your son did not get this time.

But you have, perhaps, saved a child or two with your writing.  I wish that child could be yours, that we could bring him back for you.

I knew as soon as I saw Mamapundit was suspended. I'm so sorry. Your family is in my thoughts.  I wish the best for all of you, and I hope that you'll hold onto each other.  I only wish I could help somehow.  Please know that watching this episode in your life, even from afar, has been an amazing lesson in strength and grace. We can all see how truly and deeply you love your son, and what a wonderful mother you are. I honestly don't believe that you ought to have handled this differently, even in hindsight.

I'm trying to use my words, but all I want to type is I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry, I'm so so so Sorry.

As a mother that has experienced so many similarities I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts a nd prayers go out to you.

Your son was a gift to you.  Your words, a gift to us.  May our God who lives in unabounding love shine His face upon you and your family as you continue on your journey toward healing.

I would like to add my prayers and sympathy.  I know how much your sweet first-born means to you.  To loose his light this way and this soon will certainly be the hardest thing you ever face.  Love your family and friends and let them love you.

Katie

I read your blog often, though I have never commented before....and tonight my heart is breaking for you. Please know you and H have changed lives through your struggle and, ultimately, this unspeakable loss. We will never forget.

Love and peace to you and your family.

You didn't fail your son. He failed himself despite your family's every effort to help him. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering what if. You might have been able to help him by doing something different, but more likely the end result would have been exactly the same.

Having dealt with addicts before, I've been forced to realize that I can't change them. They can change themself, but only if they want to.  

I, too, have been a long time reader of both of your blogs.  Upon hearing the sad news today, my heart breaks for you, H's dad, stepdad, and your other sweet children who are far too young to experience such a devastating loss. Your words and honesty have touched many lives and opened many eyes...as Jenn said, we will never forget.

Oh Kate.  My heart breaks for you and your family.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so sorry for your incredibly heartbreaking loss.  No matter what the situation was that caused you to lose him, no mom should ever have to go thru what you are going thru.  As someone with a good friend's son fighting his own demons, I feel for you and will be thinking only good thoughts for you.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss

I am so sorry to hear this.  

I am so very, very sorry for your loss.  My thoughts are with your family at this terrible time.  

I'm so sorry for your loss.

HI, I am so sorry for your loss. My words are empty and they fall flat. My heart breaks for your family.

    I found your blog/story from Knoxnews. Thank you for sharing your son's story. It has opened my eyes.

    I don't know if this is the right place to say this or not, but I am going to show your blog to my sister tomorrow. Her daughter, my 14 year old niece has smoked pot... I think. I will be talking to both of them about the issue.

   My thoughts are with you and your family during this terrible time. Hugs, Dana

Katie, Let me start off by saying that I was familiar with your name but have never read your blog until this evening. My normal bedtime is 9pm but I read the story about your son and starting reading your blog. It is now 11:15. There are many similarities with your son's tragic story and that of my nephew who passed away last year at the age of 25. Reading the day by day post was like reading the thoughts that were going through my head at the time. There are no words to describe how sorry I am for your loss. Peace and Grace to you and your family.

Dear Katie, I' m so very sorry for your loss. Just know that your blog and H.'s story is helping parents here in Greece as well. My thoughts and my love are with you, H. and your other children - hug them and try to move on.

Katie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  My thoughts, prayers, and love are with you and your family.

i would wager that not many of us parent in the rear view mirror. hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

i have a son. he's 20.

and i can assure you that if i had this conversation with him at 14, i would have behaved EXACTLY as you did.

i'm still a little paralyzed by it all. i don't know that i would have done a single thing differently than you.

my heart is aching for you and your family for your loss. seriously, i've gone back and read every last post and my heart is genuinely breaking.

i could be you. we could switch places.

i don't know how much comfort it is to know that absolute strangers are privvy to the innermost workings of your family life… but since it's you that's availed yourself to that, i guess you're open to that… all that to say that i'm undone over your loss. i'm literally standing still. closing my eyes. nodding my head over the thought that i could be you.

may God meet you here. may He carry you when you are incapable of taking one. more. step.

and may He heap blessings on you for making your (and henry's) story available.

to think that God has blessed you with the gift of words…

…for such a time as this.

Yours is a frightful story.  As the father of a 21 y/o with addiction present in his life--his mother's, his friends', his own?--and an 18 y/o who has miraculously survived being hit by a tractor-trailer, I'm feeling it from both ends.  The near-miss with one brings a sharp terror to the possibilities for either of them to be so awfully hurt in the future, either by their own hands, the deliberate hands of others, or accidentally.

And also, yours is a loving story.  Loving H as you did clearly did not protect him from the dangerous waters in which he was swimming.  Be gentle with yourself anyway, please.  As others have written here, it's not at all clear that your actions--either more lenient or more strict, more vigilant or more naive--would have made the critical difference in his behavior.  I can tell from reading that you love H well, and must also love all your children well.

Finally, it strikes me that yours is a lonely story.  I've been finding that this is too hard to do alone.  Al-Anon has been a great source of strength and companionship, as I've met others who cope with similar struggles with family members who are addicts.  When my thinking gets distorted, or the thinking of those with whom I'm in relationships gets distorted, the experiences and wisdom of others in those Al-Anon rooms is so helpful.  You might find that it's good for you, too.

I am so, so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful boy. Love to you and your family. xoxo

Katie,

I'm a long-time reader of your blog, but didn't post before now.  However, I just heard about H and wanted to express how sorry I am for your loss.  This must be a very difficult time for you right now.  My thoughts are with you and your family.

Katie, I read your columns years ago when I first began to be a parent, and you helped me.  My heart goes to you know, and please know you will be in our family's prayers.  This evening, Youth Resources in Indiana posted this, urging parents and teens to make good decisions.  I immediately recognized your name.  After reading your blog, I read it to my husband, and we discussed it with our own teen-aged children.  As my heart goes out to you now, I wanted you to know that your story which you shared with us is being shared by others to help other families.

Take care.

My 30-year-old son died in March of an Oxycontin overdose.  He was not an addict and lived a full and successful life.  Please tell everyone you know of the dangers of this drug.  The line between life and death is a fine one-hospital personnel often have to bring back patients to whom they administer it-and a dose that works one day can kill the next.  There are too many young people fooling around with this and other prescription drugs, and they are dying.

My heart goes out to Katie and her family.  I understand the raw pain that they are experiencing.

Katie: I don't think we've ever met, but you know my ex-husband from way back in BB. We were just reading your blogs and are heartbroken over what you and your family have been through. H as a boy reminds me so much of our son, Nicolas, who is 9. I am scared about the upcoming teenage years, and who knows what choices they will make once they are out of our immediate control? Our girls are a little older- right on that cusp. We know they all have the tendency to be "experimenters." It is such a dangerous time for them. Please know that what you share on your blogs does help others! That may be of little comfort to you right now- but your advice, based on your own hindsight,  may just save a child's life today. We keep you in our prayers....

Katie,

I've been following this blog and your personal blog since I learned of your beloved son's injuries.  I have gone back and combed thru your stories, pictures, recaps, etc of his addiction and subsequent injuries.  I'm so sorry.  Words cannot describe how deeply I feel for you.

I want to thank you for being so open and honest during this trying time.  A member of my family is suffering with addition and it truly is a family ordeal.  It also scares me for my young children as this is already the second generation of addition in the family.

I appreciate this post so much because I desperately seek to find suggestions/recommendations from someone who has been there.  I want to start looking for warning signs early...as early as possible.  I'm not opposed to searching thru emails, bedrooms and other personal effects to help head it off.  What are you thoughts on invading the so-called privacy of our children?  In my opinion, if you're living in my house, there is no privacy in your room.  It's subject to search at any time.  I believe that if my parents had done that to me, they would have been able to head off some of the things I got into as a teen.  Looking back, I wouldn't have appreciated it at the time, but it would have been most certainly for my benefit and I would have appreciated it now.

I am continuing to pray for your family.  I'm praying that you may find peace at some point in the future and I hope you know that your words WILL save someone's life.  You may never know about it, but I just know that one piece of advice you have given will be taken seriously by some parent out there and it will lead to an early discovery of abuse.  Good WILL come of your family's story.  I just know it.

My best looking and favorite middle brother (he looked exactly like Colin Farrel, exactly) started using drugs and drinking at 13 or 14. One of my other brothers had to identify his body at a mutual aquaintence's (who was a known drug dealer)house. The friend said he left for work with my brother watching T.V. on the couch, when he returned home my brother was still watching T.V., only he wasn't.  My parents opted for a quick burial(autopsies were backed up 2 months). He had survived until he was 38 years old. The police didn't find any evidence of drug use, but we never told my parents about the aquaintence's reputation, but they know.  We all did.

I'm still angry, confused, and upset about how the star of the tennis team with so much potential could have left such a mess.  I loved him. He was so funny, could have been an actor.  He was an addict that no one could help, not rehab, especially not his mother...enabling, tough love...none of it worked...mothers seem to be the ones with the least power to help when it comes to a young man's addiction.

His addictions led him on a lifelong struggle of dysfunction and he partially ruined many lives in its wake. He didn't mean to die and not say goodbye to his 10 and 13 year old daughters.  He didn't mean to die and not talk to his mother (who had chosen the tough love path when he turned 26, which gradually turned into survival mode for her...they hadn't spoken at all in seven years). He didn't mean to die before he introduced us to his newborn from a girlfriend, who showed up at the funeral, pleading with me to let my parents know about the baby.  This is terrible to admit, but after his passing, life has become better for those close to him, especially his children.  His oldest daughter (who lived with him the longest before her mother divorced him) no longer pulls out her eyelashes.  It's one thing to have your own personal demons that you choose to never deal with, but to bring innocent people into world and subject them to it?  Too many Christmases we expected a phone call telling us that he had died.

I grew up under suspicion.  If I spent too much money on clothes one semester at college, my Mom would ask if I was buying cocaine (something I've never tried in my entire life). Everytime I drank underage, I got busted. As the baby girl with four older brothers, my parents knew every trick in the book.  But I didn't become an addict.  Why?  The only difference I can think of is that I didn't start experimenting with alcohol until I was 17, and marijauna and acid until I was in college.  My brain was older and less likely to develop a dependency.  My brothers' reputations as "partiers" preceded me in H.S., but as a girl, I didn't feel as much pressure as I could have. I had already learned how to solve problems sober, something my brother never got to do.  He always "solved" them like he was 13 or 14 and under the influence.  

I am SO sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

It's interesting what you said about H's inordinate amount of guilt. Having struggled with food issues, I think shame is often at the core of addiction. In my case, it was from childhood trauma but I think some people are just imbued with a heightened sense of guilt (and hypersensitivity) and use (drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, etc) to deal with that pain.

Whatever the cause, you are clearly a wonderful and loving parent who did all she could.

I have been reading your blog ever since I found out about your son Henry. Someone in my prayer chain went to high school with you and asked us to pray for you when he passed. I found your blog then and have not been able to stop thinking about you and your family.

I have read so many of your entries, looking for clues from you as to how to handle drug issues when my toddlers are teenagers. But I think I know the most important thing I have learned from reading your words.  Sometimes I look at my kids and the things in their future that I won't be able to control terrify me. The only way I can give myself any peace is to realize I have to let go of the things that may happen to them that are beyond my control. And control the things I can. Like loving them to pieces, making them feel secure and happy. Teaching them the best I can. Making the most of the days that they are in my home, and giving them a secure and happy childhood that they will always have, no matter what.

And thats what you did for Henry. He was so loved and appears to have had the most amazing childhood with the most amazing family. You gave him everything you had. And beyond that, it's just out of our control.  

Thank you for sharing your experiences with your son. They are mesmerizing, and you are very strong.

THANK YOU Katie. Keep telling it.

one mother - my  16 yo who has been in rehab for 111 said this to someone who said "Marijuana is not a gateway drug."

"To you, it wasn't."

Praying...  with you.  For my son, and all of the other children in this struggle.