Did you hear the one about the woman who wrote the book about breastfeeding who isn’t breastfeeding?
This one is ironic, and not in the Alanis-Morrisette-confuses-irony-with-plain-old-bad-luck kind of way. You see, I wrote a book about breastfeeding (among other things), and over the past 15 years, I’ve been published pretty widely in all kind of publications on breastfeeding-related topics.I’m even credited in some quarters with having been the first person to use the word “lactivist” in a published piece (I’m pretty sure that’s not true, though). After a messed up breastfeeding experience with baby #1 (weaned to a bottle at 3 weeks due to bad medical advice), I went on to nurse baby #2 for almost 5 years, baby #3 for 3 years and baby #4 for 13 months. In other words, while I may not know a lot about a lot of things, I do know how to breastfeed my own baby.
Or at least I thought I did. Apparently my body had other ideas.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, breastfeeding has not gone so well with Baby Georgia, who turned 6 weeks old on Sunday. For the first time in five births, my milk never really came in. I did have colostrum for the first week or two, but I never got the full enchilada. I tried everything one would try in a situation like this, with the exception of the drug domperidone, which came highly recommended, but was discouraged by my doctor based on the fact that I’ve had a very bad reaction (crazy weird panic attack) to two other similar drugs I’d been prescribed in the past. But as for pumping, herbs, supplemental nursing system, plenty of skin to skin with baby, nursing on demand, nipple shields – yeah, I tried those. All of them. And the bottom line is that there simply was no milk forthcoming. At her second doctor’s visit, my pediatrician explained to us that she was dehydrated and needed to be eating more and more regularly – ASAP (I already suspected the dehydration which is why we went in to see the doctor that day). She was down to 4 lbs 9 ozs at that point. So Jon and I reluctantly bought a can of formula and some bottles (I refused on principle the freebie can they tried to send home with me at the hospital) mixed it up and began feeding our ravenously hungry, very tiny baby, waking her frequently as the doctor recommended in order to make sure she was getting enough.
So here we are at 6 weeks postpartum. I still try to nurse G every day, but she is less and less interested. I am no longer pumping because honestly, I just no longer have it in me to do it with no positive results at all. I hate pumping anyway, so to do the dreaded deed and see .222413 ounce in the bottle when I am done is just too demoralizing. It’s clear to me, a very experienced, knowledgeable breastfeeding mother with a high motivation to make nursing work that this just wasn’t going to happen for me this time. I know what it feels like when my body is producing milk, and I could tell almost immediately (although I tried to pretend it wasn’t so in the first few weeks) that things were not working right this time around. There just wasn’t any milk. I suspect that the biggest factor in my inability to produce milk at the moment is that my oldest child died in my arms only a few weeks before G was born. God only knows what the shock of that experience did to my body and its normal functioning.
G is bottle fed. I am increasingly resigned to this, and I am trying to make peace with it, although it feels very weird. I worry every single day about the health risks she faces due to lack of breastfeeding, and I am sad that we are not sharing the experience of being a nursing pair, something very special to me with my other children. Plus, infant formula is expensive, messy and smells terrible. But the reality for me at the moment is that it’s what’s available to feed her, and she needs to be fed. So there you have it. I do try to make every bottle feeding as high touch as possible, and she seems to be thriving now (aside from constant gas, which I also think is probably a result of the formula). Still, I feel a great sense of loss that I am not breastfeeding my baby. It feels like yet another bit of collateral damage from the loss of Henry, which is impacting me in so many other profound ways – physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is yet another blow, but I am trying to let it go, move on and just enjoy Baby G. Because however she’s getting fed, she herself is totally yummy, as you can plainly see.
And now for a bit of shameless self promotion: I am nominated as best blogger (for my personal blog mamapundit.com) in the Knoxville News Sentinel’s annual readers’ poll. If you like my blog and feel like casting a vote for me, that would be fab – much appreciated. You can vote (no registration required) by GOING HERE and looking for my name. Pretty simple and should take about 15 seconds. THANKS Y’ALL!!! – Katie
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Delicious!
Oh Katie, I wish you weren’t having to deal with this, too.
That being said, I feel your pain and am very glad you’re talking about it. Breastfeeding doesn’t always work and, in our zeal to get more women to nurse for its many benefits, I think we sometimes downplay this fact. I’m speaking from experience here. Breastfeeding didn’t work for me the first time around — for a lot of reasons — and I felt very judged by some women, including a very rude lactation consultant, who acted as if my inability to breastfeed was obviously laziness on my part.
Thank you for sharing. G is gorgeous!
I do believe shock, pain and grief have a lot to do with the success of breastfeeding. I never really liked the idea of it but I was adament to breasfeed my babies when I would ahve them. 26 days after my first child was born, my dear grand-mother passed away. In no way am I comparing the losses but it was still a loss for me, a huge one. Nursing my baby was not going very well anyways, so the loss, grief and pain I was feeling did not help in making it work. He was bottle fed exclusively starting 40 days. When 3 years later my daugher was born, it worked like a charm for 9 months. She didn’t have one formula bottle until then…They are now 8 and 5 and their both are very healthy. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing what you can given the situation. Baby G will not hold it against you
All this means is that you are a good mom, committed to doing whatever is best for your kids. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. Every parenting choice (or not-really-a-choice) has its potential downside, but they are not always realized. G was born into a loving, safe, nurturing home. That is the strongest possible foundation for her future.
Little G is totally yummy!
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and I haven’t commented yet, but I wanted to pass this along – if you’re interested in donor milk, check out http://milkshare.birthingforlife.com/. I’m a donor through there, and if you can find a local donor (and there seem to be lots of moms with beg freezer stashes looking to give it to the first taker), it might be cheaper than formula.
I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Thank you for sharing, though, because I think it’s so important for others to know about this. I have more than one friend who desperately tried everything to be able to nurse without success. These women suffered from terrible guilt and sadness on top of a thousand and one different post-partum emotions and being awake practically 24-7, since they were trying a supplemental nursing system almost hours. Yikes! My heart really went out to them, and I can’t bear the thought of them being on the receiving end of judgmental folks or unkind people.
Once again, Katie, your openness and honesty make me love you. I know you are helping other women by sharing your travails! I also thought of recommending a milk donor to you. I know getting G fed immediately was the first priority, but perhaps a combo of formula and donated milk would be do-able for the future? There are many mamas out there who have extra to share.
I am so sorry. For once I can say that this time I do KNOW how you feel because I went through something similar with Lorelei. I think donor milk (even if you just have some lactating friends who want to share?) might be a good idea to allay some of your fears about Georgia not getting the benefits of breast milk. And I love love love that picture of her.
On a personal level, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve gone through this (minus the trauma you’ve been through with H). With my #1 I thought it was due to bad medical advice (which to an extent it was) but with #2 I realized, with the help of some wonderful Lactation Consultants, that it’s my body. But we have much to be thankful for that we live in a time when babies can come out via c-section for their own safety and the safety of their mamas, and that we live in a time where so much research has gone into making formula as good as it can be (although yes, stinky and messy and expensive).
On a professional level, you’ll be a better “lactivist” from this experience.
Please don’t worry too much about the health benefits of not breastfeeding. I don’t want to get controversial here. For a variety of reasons my son was formula fed and even though he was in daycare full time was sick less than children of friends who breastfed their kids. My husband and all his siblings were formula fed (with way less nutritious stuff than is available these days) and they are all healthy as horses. I was breastfed and tend to be much more sickly. I’m not negating the positive benefits of breastfeeding, I’m just saying don’t worry about it too much.
What is it about us women that we feel so guilty when we HAVE TO stop breastfeeding. We take it as a huge failing. I know because I went through it myself twice. It finally took a really good friend to talk sense into me and just stop. I was so glad when I did. As soon as the hormones calmed down, the guilt disappeared too. My friend told me to book an appointment to have a bra fitting for about a month after I stopped breastfeeding and treat myself to a really good bra. It gave me something to look forward to while I went through the pain of stopping.
Baby G is a very very lucky little girl, in a million and one ways.
Of course, you’re the expert, but just think about all the kerjillions of other babies who aren’t breastfed for one reason or another. I can’t imagine that they end up less healthy than breastfed kids.
Read this for a humorous take on World Breastfeeding Week from an “objective” dad.
http://daddy-dialectic.blogspot.com/2010/08/dads-take-on-breastfeeding-wars.html
I love Mama Pundit, and am going to vote now!
Don’t you DARE feel bad. One think I liked about bottle feeding my very, very healthy now five year old (who was never breastfed – hello haters! Go ahead and yell at me now…), was that my husband was able to help as much as he did. I had a rough pregnancy, and knowing that I could get a night or two a week with FULL uninterrupted sleep was a healing factor. We snuggled skin to skin – he got that from Mommy and Daddy, and the whole experience was staggeringly loving and warm.
Well, just weighing in from the adoptive-mama-who-didn’t-try-to-make-herself-lactate point of view, both of my daughters were bottle fed, and neither one of them has had health issues, at all. They both were consistently the attendance award winners at school, right through high school. In a perfect world, you would be able to breast feed Georgia. We all know…this world is far from perfect.
Be kind to yourself, and rest assured that Georgia is getting the bonding experience in a very strong way. Your children are surrounded in love.
Clearly, this baby is going to be just fine.
Alden just looked at her photo and said, “Awwwwww. I want her. She should drive. She should drive to my house and hug me. And then I will show her my brother.”
Her little Magoo face is even cuter than C’s was at that age, if that could truly be possible since C was adorable. She looks so much like C did then I keep wondering if they are going to wind up looking practically like twins when she gets toddler age and has some hair!
As for the breastfeeding, you’ve had such a rough year this really doesn’t surprise me at all – stress can really do extraordinary things to the human body, especially prolonged stress. I feel certain G is going to be just fine growing up, nonetheless. Hang in there, Katie.
I think you need to do what you need to do to survive this time (and keep everyone else healthy in the process). I don’t think you need to feel any guilt at all for supplementing with formula.
I can totally relate to feeling a sense of loss, however.
I’m curious why you have not decided to do supplemental nursing (with an SNS) instead of bottle feeding. It seem like that might allow for you to start producing milk eventually, while also allowing for that breastfeeding bond to continue to form.
She is beautiful, you are beautiful, and of course the most important thing is that she is eating and growing up to be the best Baby Georgia she can be.
I’m so sorry about the stress you’re under, and that it’s affected your supply so much.
*sigh* Your baby will be just fine. She looks adorable! Be kind to yourself- you gave it your best shot. As far as breastmilk is concerned, I second milkshare- I just signed up on there to donate my extra stash, which I did with my first child as well. There are always a lot of mama’s eager to give- probably some in your area, too.
I hope the fact that you’ve tried all you can (in addition to your past breastfeeding successes) can help you to avoid feeling like a failure. You’re giving your baby exactly what she needs right now, and you’re giving her all you can.
My younger brother committed suicide when I was pregnant with my first, and I was grateful every day that I was able to carry that pregnancy to term and breastfeed, because I know the stress and grief was so hard on my body and my emotions. I can only imagine that it would have been infinitely multiplied had it been the death of my own child.
Shame on anyone who tries to give you a hard time about this. My only other thought is, some breast milk, even if it’s 2 ounces per day, will have beneficial effects for Georgia compared to none. Though, I second all the people who have posted stating that formula-fed babies turn out just fine most of the time. As you’ve written many times before, you need to do what works best for both you and the baby…if that means pumping and feeding her what you get in a bottle, so be it. My heart reaches out to you, I know how terrible it must feel to not have things going well in the breastfeeding department.
I really hope that you’re not too hard on yourself about this… I think we can all agree that baby Georgia’s arrival was in everything-but-normal circumstances… I think you are brave for coming forward with this, especially with your “reputation”. You’re a perfect example of the simple fact that as much as you try and want to, sometimes it plainly doesn’t work. I breastfed for a year, btw (7 months full-time), and I’m certainly an advocate, but I don’t like extremists (like those saying *nothing* can prevent you from doing it if you really want to). I tend to agree more with other sources I’ve read, who say that successful BF is not really possible in about 10% of the cases, and this can vary from child to child, even for the same woman. Little Georgia will still thrive, and after all this is exactly why formula was invented: to save babies whose mothers had no milk.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us Katie. Sending you love. From one lactivist to another – this is a special piece you are sharing here. Sometimes breastfeeding doesn’t work.
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. For whatever reason I have never had milk come in. 3 pregnancies, 3 duds. I’ve tried everything – and all that happens is I get a whole lot of shaking heads and “those” looks – the ones given to make me feel like I’m being a bad mother on purpose. Do you know how many times I’ve mixed up a bottle for my infant and been faced with: “Oh. You’re not breast feeding. Why NOT?” I want to scream out Look, lady! I love my kids. I want the very best for them. Don’t think that I don’t wonder why I’m made the way I am, that I don’t get angry and upset and embarrassed – oh, the many times I’ve heard the nurses mutter that I’m not *trying* hard enough. And thank you, Marie-Eve for reminding me that “this is exactly why formula was invented: to save babies whose mothers had no milk.” Thank you.
The only reason ANYONE feels bad for not breastfeeding is because of the self-righteous women who have written and made a buck off insisting that formula was poison….
Echoing the she’ll be just fine folks, I had for different reasons a similar experience (& I wrote about you in this post, too): http://www.valleyadvocate.com/blogs/home.cfm?aid=9893
Earth’s Best didn’t smell bad (although it was ridiculously expensive). And as others are saying, I bet you find some breast milk too, & that extends the amazing gratitude of being in the “village” & garnering another new experience along the way, too. You sound in a pretty amazing place about this.
You are doing the best you can for Baby G right now–I’m sure she will be absolutely fine. I am very pro-breastfeeding as well, but I think you are a valuable role model of how to respond when things don’t go as planned. There are ideals (natural childbirth, breastfeeding, never letting a baby cry) and there are the realities that sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way, for whatever reason. I’m sure Baby G has no shortage of love and affection, and that’s what will really ensure that she grows up happy and healthy.
i’ve been following your blog daily and i can’t even imagine what you’re going through. i hope you continue to be that “lactivist” when you are able to get back to that arena. bc now i think you can TRULY understand the complications that so many women have with breastfeeding.
i’m so very sorry for everything you’re going through.
have you looked into a milk bank or milkshare? or even put the word out that you’re looking for breastmilk? i’m sure there are lots of mamas out there that would like to help get baby g some breastmilk.
Please don’t beat yourself up over the breastfeeding. I b/f’d everyone except the twins (the last two born). After a physically taxing pregnancy, and a tense delivery, I just could not — there was nothing there……and I daresay that my age had something to do with it….I was 46 when they were born.
That being said, they are healthy as horses! TRULY! Cuddle, enjoy, gush, coo, but don’t worry about the b/feeding.
Baby G will be fine (and she’s totally adorable!) All my sisters and I were formula-fed (it’s what you did in those days), and both my boys drank formula (my milk also did not come in, despite herbs, pumping, nipple shields, etc.). I’m convinced that genes have a lot more to do with the health of kids than whether or not they were breast-fed, as my kids are sick a lot less frequently than most of the breast-fed kids I know. And you can have the same bonding over a bottle as a breast, and the best part is that someone else can feed the baby too! (especially in the middle of the night!)
Best of luck with your return to work – I hope it goes as smoothly as it can.
I, too, had a lot of problems breastfeeding my son. I had low milk supply and then my son lost all interest in nursing, so we contacted Pat Steimer, RN IBCLC LCCE, in Knoxville and let me tell you… she was a GODSEND. She was so knowledgeable and was able to help me gain control of the situation and get my son to breastfeed again. However, my milk supply remained depressingly low the entire time I nursed, even though I was taking Fenugreek, eating oatmeal, pumping after every single nursing session using a rental hospital-grade pump (and like you, I would only get a sad amount, like maybe 1/4 of an ounce total if I was lucky) and pumping an extra two times at night, and using breast-masssages to stimulate milk production. I had to suppliment with formula after each feeding, but I still somehow managed to continue breastfeeding for 14 months. However, I will not go through that again. It was exhausting trying to keep my supply from completely vanishing. I can totally empathize with you.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can’t breastfeed. And I hope you know there is nothing wrong with that. You can only do what you can do, ya know? And no one in their right mind would blame you if you can’t continue breastfeeding. You’ve done a remarkable job by trying for as long as you have, and there is nothing wrong with formula-feeding.
However, if you are interested in contacting Pat, your pediatrican more than likely has heard of her. You can also find her contact info on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/East-Tennessee-Breastfeeding-Coalition/272559335906?v=info
Best of luck to you.
Katie, I tried ridiculously hard to get E to breastfeed. She was malnourished by the time I switched over to formula (I look back at pictures of her at 3-4 weeks and just cringe), and neither she nor I ever looked back. With W, I was just old and tired, so I gave up much faster … wasn’t going down that path again. Anyway, the point of this story is that they are both VERY healthy and VERY smart (if I do say so myself), so although the statistics may say “breast is best,” it DOESN’T mean that your child will necessarily suffer in any way. Plus, W and daddy spent so much time bonding at bottle time, I am convinced it is partly why they are so extremely close to this day. I agree with the comment that this will make you a better ‘lactivist’ because you have truly seen every side of the issue.
Katie, all will be well. My mom said when I was born (in 1960) breastfeeding was discouraged because it was for “poor people.” That was the norm then, and we grew up fine. Be glad you got to experience the full enchilada as you say with J and your other kids and snuggle down with G other ways. As my wise mom says “a hundred years from now, you’ll never know it!”
It seems passing cruel (to you) that you can’t nurse that baby. It would have been so comforting. The baby will be fine, of course. I just feel for you!
I haven’t read through all the comments, but just wanted to say, quickly, that when I had a formula fed foster baby, I had great luck with adding powdered acidopholus (I had some specifically for infants and toddlers from my local co-op) to the formula, as a remedy for the gassiness and constipation that came from formula. Just love on that baby, mama. She’ll be fine.
I had been wondering how this turned out after reading your anguished post about your lack of milk a week or two ago over in mamapundit.com. I think you made a wise choice to let it go. And I hope you don’t think things went wrong for Henry because he wasn’t breastfed successfully. If that were true than why isn’t a correlation between breastfeeding and addiction issues already well known?
Ask around. Most American-born adults over 45 weren’t breastfed and many of us are in fine health, or good enough anyway.
I adopted, was not in a position to even consider inducing lactation, and Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn. I loved making his wee bottles of formula and the fact that both parents equally shared the job and its rewards.
Like cloth vs disposable and circumcision vs not, most of these parenting choices are not proven to be of any great importance in the long run. What you give her is far better than anything else: love, stability, stimulation, family.
Since my two kids were adopted I bottle fed from 2 days old. It never even occured to me that a lot of people had a problem with that until I went on the internet. No one every made a comment to me. My kids are healthy, happy and love me to pieces so we bonded just fine. I am sure your daughter will be just fine too!
Grief and gratitude. Everything has it’s opposite. Grief to not have breast milk for baby and gratitude that you have formula to feed her.
Babies and breasts come in different shapes, sizes, colors, contents, conditions, and circumstance.
Hot topic however!
Oh, Katie, it makes me so mad to hear people perpetuating this “only breastfed babies will be healthy/formula is chemical poison (thanks, Gisèle Bundchen)” shit… I lost my first child when I was 5.5 months pregnant and had trouble stopping the milk supply (you can imagine how hard that was to bear – my body making milk for a baby that was long dead). When my next daughter was born, my body went on strike and produced practically no milk whatsoever. I tried everything – pumping ALL THE TIME, horrible herbal teas, fenugreek, lentils, hops… NOTHING WORKED. And my premature, already weak and hypoglycaemic baby kept losing weight. I was a zombie, she was fading fast. At one month, her paediatrician told me to give up, she’d be fine with formula and much better off with a relaxed, rested maman giving her a bottle than an exhausted, depressed maman giving her a breast that produced no milk.
So I did, and we never looked back. Her little sister was the same, though I tried much more half-heartedly second time around: I knew there was no milk so I gave up after a month but did no pumping, herbal tea etc.
Both my daughters are exceptionally healthy (and were even in daycare), rarely miss school, are among the brightest in their respective classes, have many talents and are absolutely beautiful.
FORMULA IS NOT POISON! Breastfeeding is cheaper, no doubt, easier to deal with, certainly, but IT IS NOT BEST IF YOU CAN’T DO IT.
PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE stop beating yourself up about this – I got so much hassle here in France from the breastfeeding “Nazis” (these people can be CRUEL and totally UNFEELING – I’m looking at you, Leche League, yelling at me down the phone (when I was already sobbing from guilt and feelings of failure) that I’d “ruined my baby before she was even 2 weeks old” – what kind of crap comment is that to a desperate, anxiety- and guilt-ridden mother of a starving but weak premature baby?). No one needs that – you’re grieving, you’re working, you’re looking after your other kids and YOU ARE DOING WHAT’S BEST FOR YOUR NEWBORN. Seriously. Formula is what’s best here!
Now, promise me, you’ll stop feeling bad and just accept that she’s eating, and she’s healthy, and she’ll stay healthy (and if she doesn’t, she’d probably have caught the same colds breastfed or not).
Give yourself a break and enjoy your cute little baby!
I have experience a milk supply this low also, though in my case I’ve had it with both my children, and it is caused by insufficient glandular tissue.
Not every child will do this, so I know how lucky I’ve been, but once I tried everything with my first child (she was 4 months old before we’d exhausted all our options and ideas), I put away my pump and my herbs and tried to stop weeping. I told myself I’d nurse her when she wanted to nurse, and I’d give her the bottle when she was hungry. And she just kept nursing. She’s now two years old, and she nurse throughout my second pregnancy (a time when there was literally NO milk, not just tiny bits like usual). She still nurses at the breast that produces almost no milk.
My second child is a month old, and I’m still working on my supply for him. I have a bit more milk this time, but my pumping outputs still resemble yours, Katie, and he takes much more formula than breastmilk. I am resigned to this, as I was with my daughter.
I just wanted to let you know that while it may not be possible to have a full milk supply, or anywhere close to it, it might (there are too many variables to say for sure) be possible to still nurse for comfort. Like I said, not every baby will do this, but if they will take a pacifier that gives no milk, many will also take an empty or near-empty breast.
Regardless of whether you choose to do this and whether she becomes willing to comfort nurse, you are clearly raising a lovely baby.
Oh,and PS – Mylicon Drops work wonders for gas! It was a breakthrough, sun shining, miraculous thing when ours was new.
http://www.mylicon.com/products/index.jhtml
Katie, you are a wonderful mother, thank you for sharing this journey with all the bumps and wrinkles.
I have really struggled over this comment. So I hope you will take it with love as it is meant. I was sad for you, even as I agree that this was mostly likely the right thing for you and this baby (although I do hope you look into donor milk, if you’re able). But then… I scrolled down and read the comments. And Katie, I just want to weep.
Is there a way to support a caring loving mama who is grieving the loss of a breastfeeding relationship, without minimizing or ignoring what that loss actually means? To read over and over “fine… fine… fine… I/my kids/bazillions of others were bottlefed and they are fine” is just heartbreaking to me. I mean, will your child grow up loved and cherished and sweet and lovely? Not a doubt in my mind! But in order to show our love and care for you, in order for us to tell you that you did your best and it sucks that it didn’t work, and you’re not a bad mother… do we have to just pile on all the “fine fine fine” stuff and not acknowledge that yes, your child faces a lifetime of different digestive and immune issues. Yes, she now faces a greater risk for some things. Yes, there are risks to formula feeding. (All of which you know) I just hate the idea that your raw and honest and wonderful words might be used as some to just beat the drum of “breastfeeding doens’t matter anyway! our society is TOTALLY FINE and we weren’t breastfed!!! la la laaaaaa!”
You are a wonderful mother, person, writer, wife… a model for me in many ways. I have followed you these last months after the first posts “coming out” about Henry, I have spoken to my children about drugs because of you. I have sobbed at my keyboard reading your eloquent words. I agree that it’s pretty darn likely that in this case, your body just shut down due to all the trauma and it was necessary to find other means of feeding besides your own milk. But can I believe all of those things and still grieve for you and your baby for the real, scientifically supported evidence of what you have lost? I hope I can. I hope I have not hurt you in any way. But I hope those singing the “fine” refrain also consider their words.
Janet, thank you!!!! Wonderful comment.
I am so sad and angry on your behalf that this has happened…it is crystal clear to me that the shock and grief of Henry’s death is the culprit here.
I am a breastfeeding mama to a 7 month old. Though I have always been pro-breastfeeding from a philosophical standpoint (and made damn sure that I did everything I could to ensure success, even though I had to have a c-section due to him being breech) NOTHING I read or was told prepared me for how amazing, how incredibly amazing the feeling of nursing my baby is. It just defies description.
I know you have experienced that with J, E and C, and I am sad for you that this tragedy has robbed you of the chance to have it with G. She is absolutely yummy, and looks just like her sister C.
How sad and sick that there are mothers out there who can watch their babies getting weaker and losing weight just so that they can hang on to their dream of breastfeeding. To me, that is the most selfish act possible!
… I didn’t read all the comments, and you may think this is insensitive, but as a mother of twins who wept when her breast milk FINALLY came in (24 hours later, such raising hormones, I had no idea what ‘normal’ to expect), is it too late to suggest a wet nurse? Could you do that for Georgia? Or would it be like pouring gasoline on the raging fire that is your own shock and disappointment?
Janet, I think all those comments about not worrying about the formula were meant to address Katie’s statement ” I worry every single day about the health risks she faces due to lack of breastfeeding,” not to diminish the emotional impact for her of not being able to BF. Katie has enough to worry about right now without dealing with worries about how unhealthy it might be that she can’t BF.
Thank you for sharing your story. The only thing that kept me sane while I was struggling to breastfeed my son in his first weeks of life was knowing other mothers who had experienced similar difficulties. I went into motherhood expecting breastfeeding to be the most natural, easy thing ever, and it was important for me to know that I was not alone in it not working out that way. I ultimately decided to stop breastfeeding, but it was definitely the hardest decision I have had to make as a a mother.
Again, thank you. I hope someone out there who is in the midst of a battle to breastfeed reads your post and feels less alone–one of the most amazing benefits of the internet!
For G’s gas– have you tried the non-powder formula (i.e., liquid bottles or cans)? Switching helped for at least one person I know.
As someone with just one kidlet, my milk never really came in also, and I finally gave up after 5 months of really, really trying. I am grateful there were other options out there for me, as I am sure you are. You would think there isn’t a learning curve on your 5th child, but there’s always one, whether we want it or not.
Seriously glad you are writing about this. It helps those of us who fully believe in all of the benefits of breastfeeding, but struggle with supply and needed alternatives to feed our children.
Hi Katie, I think someone mentioned Milkshare earlier, but I noticed the link was not a direct link to see the posts directly. My sister struggled with supply when she had her baby, and that’s how I found out about milkshare. It’s a really neat website.
http://milkshare.forumotion.com/
very responsible of you – through all your grief and frustration/sadness – to talk about this.
You know what, Baby G will be fine. You’ve done all you can for all your kids and the chips will fall where they may.
I am one of those women who considers your advice on Parent-L years and years ago the reason I was able to nurse my babies for 2 & 3 years. I used to pat myself on the back for this feat and often spoke somewhat judgmentally about how healthy and illness free my long-term breastfed kids were. Then my youngest daughter, who nursed for a full 3 years and had never been to the doctor for a sick visit in her 11 years of life got ill, somehow contacted MRSA and died a mere two days after getting sick. There are no guarantees in life, as you well know. I’m glad you can let the breastfeeding thing go and just enjoy your new baby as much as you can.
Janet, I think a previous poster is right – Katie knows all about the benefits of breastfeeding, so I’m not sure why you feel the need to reiterate them. Nobody here is trying to minimize this very real loss, just help her get through it – a loss that seems so cruel on top of the loss of Henry.
Katie, I couldn’t make breastfeeding work for my daughter. At the time I was devastated, felt enormous amounts of guilt, and it was just a monumental disappointment – I felt like a less-good mother, to be sure.
She’s 6 now, almost 7. I still regret that I couldn’t make it work, but it’s a regret that feels less important all the time, and it’s *never* front-of-mind unless I read about someone else’s struggles. You’ll get there, and I know you know that, but I wanted to mention it.
And, she’s beautiful.
I just want to say that I’m so so sorry. I hate that this pain happens to anyone and it just seems doubly cruel for you.
I nursed my son for 18 months and assumed/planned to do the same again, but my daughter had some kind of metabolic disorder and couldn’t digest breastmilk. At 12 days old, she was still losing weight. Even after weeks of me on an elimination diet, pumping and getting her to gain weight on formula, she just couldn’t have breastmilk without essentially starving.
So many people told me ‘it doesn’t matter what you feed your baby, just that you feed her with love’ ‘She’ll be just fine. they make greeeaat formula these days.’ and the chirpy ‘oooh. now you can have OTHER people feed the baby, too!’ etc. While all that may be perfectly true, I hated hearing it. Of course, I’d rather have her on formula than not be here at all, but those comments just sent me into tears every time. (and still do.) It felt/feels to me like no one respects or acknowledges the non-nutritive benefits of nursing. And every time a new study comes out about health benefits, or one of my favorite mom bloggers talks about how wonderful nursing is for them, or it’s some kind of breastfeeding awareness week popping up in everyone’s status updates on facebook, I just feel it tearing me up again.
Maybe long term, it doesn’t make a difference, but it sure feels like it matters NOW in the day-to-day life of mothering an infant. That is what is so hard for me to deal with. Instead of nursing peacefully to sleep, she is rocked and soothed as she fusses and whines herself off to sleep. When she wants to eat, instead of instantly pulling her close, I have to set her down to get the bottle and she screams. I have no free hand to even turn the page of a book for my 2-year old while I’m feeding her.
I’ve been trying to get over this disappointment (and worry about my daughter’s future health) for 8 months now. If hearing the reassurance that cutie Georgia “will be fine” give you comfort, then please, bury yourself in those thoughts. If they end up making you feel even more mournful about the situation, know that you are not and cannot be alone in that reaction. I do hope, though, that you can honestly get through this in better emotional shape than I seem to. Time, time, time, right?
Thanks for writing about this.
I’m so sorry you cannot BF your new baby, and that you are dealing with the loss of that aspect of your relationship with her, on top of losing Henry.
It’s not a light read (covering, among other things, the circumstances under which a variety of individuals and cultures have committed infanticide), but I loved Sarah Blaffer Hrdy’s book Mother Nature, not least for the detailed examination she offers of the practice of breastfeeding across cultures and times, and the reality that we in the developed contemporary world are, for the first time and place ever, in a situation where we can feed our infants something safe and nutritious that’s not breastmilk. The downsides of formula notwithstanding, I took from her book that this — having an option in situations where BF is not possible — is something for which we should, truly, be grateful. So: I’m sorry that you have found you cannot BF your new daughter but glad that you have reasonable alternatives.
Janet, your comment has been niggling at me all day, and I feel like I need to respond.
Shame on you for making those of us who couldn’t (for whatever reason) breastfeed our children feel bad for offering our words of comfort to Katie. Maybe my words didn’t help you, but (1) they were offered sincerely, and not to “minimize” or “ignore” Katie’s situation, (2) I think they would have helped me in Katie’s situation, and (3) maybe they just might help Katie, even if a little. It sounds like she hasn’t used a lot of formula for her babies in the past, so I thought it might help her to hear from those of us who did, and let her know that everything is fine – our children are smart, healthy, well-adjusted and loving.
It’s attitudes similar to yours – the idea that not breastfeeding is a tragedy that will negatively affect your child for the rest of his or her life – that make women feel so worthless and like failures if they can’t breastfeed. There are many things that will affect your children throughout their lives, and whether or not you breastfeed is only one factor – and possibly a small one at that.
Also, please don’t think your pain is worse, or somehow worth more than others, or that your viewpoint is the only valid one. Some of us (me in particular) have made peace with the fact that we couldn’t breastfeed, and have moved on. It’s not worth it to me to regret something that could not and can not be changed. I think Katie has more than enough to worry her now – between her newborn, her job, the loss of her son, her other children, etc. My comment was made in an effort to take away some of her worry about not being able to breastfeed, and to make her life easier at this point.
I’m sorry if my response comes across harshly, but your response needlessly made me feel bad about my kindly-offered comment.
Thank you Jen. My nonbreastfed daughter is almost eighteen and I am at a point now where I am finally, FINALLY able to process it all.
I went into a postpartum depression that would be hard to rival, mostly because of my “breastfeeding failure” and how I had been so pumped up by what I was doing to my child if I didn’t succeed.
Of course there were other background factors at work there: a childhood filled with loss, fears that I really should’t be a parent at all, etc.
But to ignore the smug attitudes of those for whom breastfeeding happened to work out well would be completely remiss.
Janet, you are a cunning, tactless cow.
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Oh I went through this with my first and only – I tried sooo desperately to breastfeed and finally gave up when my lactation consultant (yes, lactation consultant) told me it wasn’t working. The pumping, the feeding on demand, that little tube thingy that looks like it shuold be used to feed a baby bird, the fenugreek, the teas, etc, etc – no milk. I felt horrible. It took a while to get over it. But the most important thing is that she is getting enough calories, fluid and nutrition to grow. My daughter and I are very close, she is a healthy 3 year old. She is fine, despite the lack of breastmilk, and Georgia will be just fine too!
Thank you for writing this article. I’m so sorry about the loss of your son.
I am also a lactivist (thank you for coining the phrase if you did) who is unable to breastfeed – for different reasons. If you’re interested, here’s the story:
http://9davids.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-breastfeeding-story.html
FWIW, I did look into milk donation, but ultimately decided against it for safety reasons. There was no way to be sure that my donor was eating the way I would eat, avoiding the things I’d avoid, and staying healthy. I spoke with my pediatrician at length about it, and unless milk comes from a bank, there is no way to ensure that it’s safe.
Banked milk is generally available only to premies or babies with extreme formula allergies, and it costs $3-4 per ounce.
Again, thank you for writing this.
My heart goes out to you; I’ve been reading your blog and it has moved me to many, many tears. You have been to hell and back, and I am so, so sad for you.
I do hope that in some small way, this starts to pave the way for “kinder, gentler” lactivism.
BFing is not working for me, and I’ve come to the internet desperate to find information and help, only to be made to feel like abject dirt from the smug, self-satisfied lactivists out there…some of them go so far as to say cruel, devastating things like, “If you’re not going to BF, why did you bother having children?” or “Using formula should be illegal; FFers should be put in jail!”
Ironically, in my research on this topic one of the most nerve-wracking articles was one you yourself wrote for Salon over 10 years ago (“Formula for Disaster”), in which it almost (?) goes so far as to sound like formula feeding might contribute to giving my child cancer. (Obviously, it’s not stating a *causality*, but that BM offers this and many other protections…)
I have cried over this issue more than any other thing in my life. I’m losing what little sleep I *could* be getting with a newborn over this topic. My PPD is spiraling out of control, and all because the militant lactivists indirectly scream to me and other women like me: “FAILURE!”.
Perhaps as a result of this you can now be someone who builds bridges (out of proverbial olive branches???) between the BFing and FFing communities. At the end of the day, we are all mothers and I am praying that the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual sustenance we give our kids is really what matters and that I am not, in fact, poisoning my child with each bottle.
In the end a mama is supposed to take care of her baby.
After holding and touch at the most basic level, comes feeding. You are feeding your child and making sure she doesn’t die of dyhadration or starvation.
I’m calling that a good thing.
To Callie – You are not alone! Really, I and all of my sisters, my husband and many, many people I know were fed formula, and guess what – we’re bright, engaged, productive, well-adjusted people. Both of my sons had formula, and they are healthy and happy.
Please, please don’t beat yourself up about not breastfeeding, and enjoy this time with your baby. You tried your best (which means different things to different people), you love your baby, now put this aside and go enjoy her. Best of luck.
Well, I’ve stopped crying enough to see the screen again so I can type. I am in shock that my much-revised, carefully and lovingly worded post from my heart, talking about all the ways I admire and respect Katie, resulted in personal attacks and being called a “cunning cow”???
I guess I know now why people say stay away from comments sections on blogs. Peace to all of you.
Good heavens, Janet’s comment just told me everything I ever need to know about her.
….Yeah, I’ll join the chorus of those who say: Do what you need to do, Mama. (Actually, that is my advice to anyone who asks for it.) Sometimes — usually — good enough is good enough. Don’t be too hard on yourself, because clearly the world is capable enough of doing that on its own (as well as a few readers of this blog. Really, Janet: how much fun are you to live with?!? Give it a rest!)
Signed, a mom who formula-fed, disposable-diapered, and understands that there’s a LOT more to motherhood than all that bullsh#t.
Someone else may have suggested it, but the Good Start in the purple can without the DHA/ARA isn’t stinky and I think it is also easily digestible.
Wow – what an incredible story. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your oldest son – how horrible and difficult that must be for you! And yes, that could definitely have affected your milk supply for your new baby. Treasure your children and that newest baby who never got to meet Henry.
I did want to let you know that you could provide your new baby with breastmilk from another mother. You expressed such sorrow at not being able to give her breastmilk. There are milk banks and there is also a group on Yahoo called Milk Share where you can get breastmilk for your baby. I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to still give your baby breastmilk. With everything you are feeling right now, the last thing you need is guilt over not being able to provide breastmilk for your little one.
HUGS to you and your family as your mourn your loss and celebrate the new life that has joined you.
Give me a break! After all you’ve been through, why would you spend a minute feeling guilty about feeding your daughter? You’re a good, thoughtful mom and your daughter will be just fine, as are millions of formula-fed babies. The research that touts benefits of BM doesn’t take into account cofounding factors, such as the demorgaphics of women who are able to EBF for a year. It’s very frustrating that subpar research ends up making women waste precious time with their newborns feeling guilty. My son was FF since day 1, started daycare full-time at 9 weeks and has had like 1 or 2 sick baby visits in three years. He’s the picture of health. I’m pregnant now and have done my research and my formula choice for this LO is going to be Baby’s Only. And I’m going to supplement with their DHA. Please just enjoy your baby … guilt-free!
Katie does not seem ‘guilty’ to me – she certainly does not use the word.
She does not need to be told not to feel ‘guilty’.
She is profoundly sad, disappointed, and bereft of what she knows can be a wonderful and important experience – and one that has a health impact, of course, but it sounds to me that it is the relationship aspect she is missing most deeply.
How helpful is it for posters to be telling her not to feel ‘guilty’ (because she doesn’t!), and suggesting that all her sadness is somehow wasted energy on her part?….though my goodness, I am sure all these suggestions and reassurances come from a good place.
Grief over breastfeeding-that-didn’t-work-out is real. It needs time, and space, and listening ears and love and understanding and acceptance – not encouragement to somehow look on the bright side and to forget everything she knows about the impact of formula.
Katie – your story is powerful and teaches us a lot. I was very moved by it.
The link on Motherlode to this blog entry led me to your personal blog and I have spent the past few days reading and reading and crying over your unimaginable loss, pain, guilt, and seemingly relentless complications. You are doing so well under the circumstances. And having read everything in such a short time, it is very clear that your blog entries are so much more calm now than they were two months ago. You are handling every bump in the road so well and your strength amazes me.
I loved breastfeeding my three children and treasure the memory. I hated pumping, though I had to do it, but was never sad when I was able to stop pumping. Your lack of motivation to pump when there is so little coming out is entirely understandable.
In case it might help at all (and I realize it might not), I’ll tell you what I’ve told friends for whom breastfeeding has not worked. I diligently and in a very dedicated way breastfed my first child, and she wound up with unbelievable food allergies. Why, when breastfeeding is supposed to prevent that? Who knows? Why are my brother’s kids allergy-free, when he was the one with the food allergies growing up and his kids were breastfed for far less time than mine? Again, who knows?
As for kids being smarter as a result of breastfeeding and the risk of obesity among those who are not breastfed…I never consumed a single drop of breast milk as a baby because of the attitudes towards breastfeeding at that time in the part of the country where I was born. I was also a ravenous baby and the pediatrician told my mother to start me on cereal at 2 weeks old, which she did — another huge risk factor for obesity later on. Yet I still managed to complete my PhD at Yale and am a fit and thin 40-something.
Breastfeeding is wonderful and beautiful. But formula is not a great evil. As you pointed out, you can still have plenty of cuddling, skin-to-skin time, and beautiful bonding opportunities. Little Miss G is beautiful and thriving. That is what matters most.
Kate have you tried a supply line? I have Breastfed 3 Children with formula for a year each as I had a breast reduction in my pre baby days. The type of milk is important but you do not have to loose the breastfeeding experience for both of you. Look up Jack Newman website at NBCI. Fiddly at first but really rewarding when you get it. Good Luck.
I read you post, I am glad you shared it. I know for me there was so many feelings when I had to bottle feed my 6th baby after extended breastfeeding the other five. My situation is different than yours in that I had to wean due to cancer and starting chemo. I really thought I would have to do formula and then out of the no where came lots of offer of breastmilk donations for my baby. I used only close friends milk and screened milk donors who was also giving to a milk bank. This has been so wonderful in a time of horrible. It may help you if you want to look into this path via friends and milkshare that others have posted about. My baby also didn’t mind the different milks. I had wondered if he would refuse some milk or get attatched to one milk taste buthe did not. It brings me such joy now every time I feed him that I can give him breastmilk. If I could I would have used a SNS but can’t since it could stimulate supply and he would get milk. But with you you could use a SNS even with formula since nursing is way more than just about the milk.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and in that bitterwseet mix of life and grief I offer you congratulations on the arrival of your precious daughter.
I wanted to share that homeopathy can work well with milk supply, especially where emotional shock/ grief and loss may be the originator.
It’s obviously best to see a homeopath if you feel at all inclined to explore the remedies available, but aconite, pulsatilla, ignatia are all remedies that come to mind as deeply healing.
In motherhood
xxx
Thanks for your honesty. I was totally anti-formula, rabid in fact, until my 1st and a c-section and an infection and a dying mother all made my best intentions for naught. i did supplements, pumping, lactation consultant — the whole 9. even after the doctors told me he was getting too thin. I was brainwashed by the LaLL book (I had read others too) that told me not to offer an drop of formula because it was all part of a grand corporate scam. A lactation consultant at the hospital even yelled at me when i told her Dr’s had told me to give formula.
My mental state went south, all my time was nursing, pumping and having no luck. Same with my 2d child but I knew better — even though I tried even harder — even though my mother and best friend had just died during my pregnancy, so I feel you there.
I regret every moment I didn’t play the formula card both times.
And
to this day eager lactation advocates and friends who have not had problems think I just wasn’t trying hard enough/having the right consultation.
Good luck with the babe and don’t worry about the formula so much. My son is healthier (knock on wood) and has less allergies than his breastfed friends, but I think it’s only because he was made that way, not b/c what he was fed.
It is likely that the extra iron that is in most formulas is causing the gas. There are a few varieties that are easier on the stomach, and even some you can get a prescription for and thus the cost is less to you. My son was a preemie and never caught on to nursing, so he was completely bottle fed. He is almost 4 and quite fine. Nurtitionally formula has been improved immensely since you first started having children, so don’t worry about that. It is as close to breast milk as you can get without it actually being breast milk nutritionally. In terms of all the health protection that you supposedly give your child by breast feeding, my neighors’ children have been far more sick with ear infections and the like than my son, and they were breast fed for months and don’t go to day care. Go figure. There are so many opportunities for bonding beyond breastfeeding, and you are a caring mother, so I don’t think you need to beat yourself up about this at all. It would have been worse to keep trying to breastfeed and deny your daughter the sustinance she needs. You do what you have to do. Period.
This: “I worry every single day about the health risks she faces due to lack of breastfeeding …” is guilt and it’s completely unnecessary. Babies fed a high-quality formula by caring, educated moms are completely fine. Read the research with a more critical eye for confounding factors, such as family demographics. The benefits really don’t prove out, except for reducing GI tract infections, which aren’t a big concern in the US. The pressure and guilt put on moms to breastfeed is ridiculous and unnecessary. Let’s focus on enjoying all the positives of motherhood.
I am so sorry you are dealing with the loss of your BF relationship along with the loss of Henry. I know it is not the same at all, but I do understand the *concept* of one loss having effect on other aspects & stealing other things from you & the salt that rubs in a wound. I have dealt with recurrent pregnancy loss. Through that – I found it robbed me of MANY things, including enjoying my pregnancies with my children, as I never felt certain I would hold them & disaster was just a moment away. I couldn’t be happy for others who were pregnant because I either wasn’t certain anyone was really safe (so no need to get excited “prematurely” you know) & then when their babies arrived safely, I would be thrown back into sadness for what I didn’t have that seemed to be in everyone else’s arms. I had others distance themselves from me because they didn’t know what to do for me & were uncomfortable with the length of time I grieved & I distanced myself because the comments like (thank goodness it was now rather than later, or why would you keep doing this to yourself) were just too much to handle. I lost times I would have rejoiced for those close to me at the birth of their child, I lost friends & family relationships over lack of understanding/communication, I lost the joy of enjoying a healthy pregnancy & delivery (including refusing any baby gifts or parties until he was 4 weeks old out of fear that it may not be real), etc, etc. I am profoundly moved by your openness & honesty & applaud you for sharing your journey. Others will always have something to say (apparently me included) and all you can do is to fully embrace the ones that help at all & try to disregard the ones that hurt or annoy (including mine if that is the case). I hope you can underneath it all focus on the love being sent your way & surround yourself with those that support you without limit. Love & peace & healing to you!