New job, new blog, same old diapers
This is a bit of a catch-up post, and also a plea for advice. First for the catch-up; I have a new job…and I LOVE IT. Seriously, I am pinching myself every day because I love my new job so much. I am the new Social Media Manager for the shelter brands (HGTV, DIYnetwork, etc) for Scripps Networks. It’s a fantastic job in my very specific field with one of the most successful and progressive media companies in the world. I feel hugely lucky to have landed here. While there are many terrific things about my new job, one big one is the fact that this company really supports working parents. In fact, “work-life balance” is even listed as one of Scripps’ key principles. Unlike other companies with which I’ve been employed in years past, this one has working mamas at every level, right up to the very top management. This says a lot to me. So anyway – in case you haven’t picked up on it from my gushing – I am REALLY psyched about my new job, which I started just a week ago. After everything I’ve experienced in the past year, making something of a fresh start in a new work environment is a Very Good Thing.
The other new thing I have going on is a new blogging gig here at Babble. I’ll be blogging regularly for the next 12 months about Baby G’s development and milestones at Babble’s brand new Baby’s First Year blog. If you become a reader, I can promise you lots of supercute baby pix of Baby G…like these I took day before yesterday, for example… Swoon.
And now on to my desperate plea for advice from other parents – it’s about potty training, You see, C is now 38 months old. She is a big girl, weighing in at 36 pounds. She has an extensive and quite advanced vocabulary, and she’s loving her new two day a week preschool. She no longer drinks from her beloved “boppies” and she sleeps through the night. She’s learning to pedal her trike and she knows her shapes, colors, alphabet, etc, etc. In other words, she has evolved from toddler to delightful preschooler since turning three on July 31. And yet…and yet….my girl shows NO interest whatsoever in getting out of diapers or in using the potty on a regular basis.
C, age 3
My other children were all potty trained by now. My boys, H and E, both potty trained the month they turned three years old. I let them run around naked in the yard and pee on the bushes and they just sort of figured it out on their own – sort of like a modified “Lord of the Flies” approach to toilet training (hey! It worked!) My oldest daughter, J, announced at 22 months that she wanted “real underwear.” My sister and I took her to Target, where J picked out some princess-themed underpants, and that was that – seriously. She put on the big girl underwear and never wore another diaper. In each of these cases, I did nothing but sort of mention using the toilet now and then, and suggest in a mild, haphazard way that getting beyond diapers was a worthy goal. The kids took it from there. It was low stress – for them and for me.
But Miss C seems determined to remain in diapers. She has a very clear idea of what it is we’d like her to do, and she will randomly choose to use the potty every day or two. But she is also perfectly happy to wear diapers and to sit in wet diapers. She is in cloth diapers much of the time, so it can’t be too pleasant, but she’s definitely dug her heels in on this; she will not budge on this issue. If she senses that I am being persistent or pushy in any way about this issue, she becomes even more adamant that she will NOT sit on the toilet. I have tried bribing her with treats, suggesting that she can’t watch her favorite first-thing-in-the-morning TV show (Powerpuff Girls) until she’s at least tried sitting on the potty for a moment or two, and I’ve tried reasoning with her – all to absolutely no avail.
I am totally stumped here. And I have no personal experience with a child this old (barring kids I know with special needs) who is still completely in diapers. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I’ll ‘fess up – it’s starting to kind of embarrass me. I know it shouldn’t, but it sort of is. I feel guilty about that. So I need to hear from some other parents with late toilet-trainers. This is okay, right? She won’t get her learner’s permit wearing Pampers? Is there something I am doing wrong? Or could be doing differently? Hit me up with your best words of wisdom on this one, fellow parents, because even with FIVE kids under my belt, this particular issue with this particulat kiddo is throwing me for a loop. I’m baffled. And just a wee bit frustrated.
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As I read this all I could think was that C has had so much disruption, so much that’s out of her control this past year, why on earth should she give up this control?
I’d take a deep breath. I’d stop cajoling or worrying for a bit. Things are going to settle down, into new routines & I’m betting without pressure she’ll figure this one out on her own timetable.
When my toddler (now teen) had some major constipation issues as a young’un the best advice, “You want this to be between him & him not you & him.” Kind of brilliant on many levels about lots of things; I’m guessing this is one.
She’ll potty train in her own time. I know that isn’t what you really want to hear, but she’ll eventually decide that she doesn’t want diapers anymore. My daughter was about 37 months old. We went cold turkey, no more diapers. She’s now 41 months and still having accidents every few days. Some kids are just slower in that department. On the bright side, how many kids do you see in kindergarten wearing diapers? She’ll eventually get it.
Worst case scenario: She’ll go to preschool still not potty trained and then she’ll do it because all the other kids are potty trained and all of a sudden she’ll be embarrassed.
My parents had this exact issue with my younger sister who refused to use the potty or toilet until she was about 39 months old. What finally pushed her over the edge? She wanted to go to school “like a big kid”, and the preschool teachers wouldn’t take her unless she was potty trained. Pretty sure she had it all figured out in about a week. I think she just needs something she wants MORE than not using the potty, to depend on her using the potty in order to get it.
Fear not. My son still beats your daughter. He was almost 4 1/2 before he mastered the potty. It was a clean up situation that finally brought him around, but then he got extremely sick (bad, bad case of the flu) and regressed, but then shortly after that regression, he “got” it. And he got it all in one fell swoop. Day and night dry. And he hasn’t looked back.
I think the lack of control C has had in other aspects of her life in the last year is why she is clinging to the, albeit disgusting, control she has over her bowels. And I do know kids who were still in pull ups at her age. In fact, it took my son a good year between mastering #1 (at about 2.5) and #2 (at about 3.5) He did just start staying dry through the night on his own, and now that he’s almost five, I know plenty of his friends still wear diapers or pull ups at night.
I think you need to give her a month of not even bringing it up. Or, if it is brought up to her, it is not by you or your husband, but by others who may influence her, like her teachers.
It is killing you I know and every disgusting diaper you wash or time you have to wipe her bottom from a horrible poop that you wish she’d just put in the potty, you just have to let her win this one, for now. She will come around. But clearly she is enjoying being able to control this situation.
There may be some kind of “big girl” thing she wants to have or do at some point–like swimming lessons, gymnastics, dance–where you’ll have to say, “sorry, that’s just for big kids,” and the idea of missing out may motivate her. But really, give her until Halloween or something without even bringing it up, and see if she can come to the realization on her own. She may also just like the attention–her little sister gets to have her diaper changed, why shouldn’t she?
My firstborn, who is now five, took a looooong time to toilet train. I tried almost every piece of advice I received (mostly involving using various forms of rewards, etc.). Nothing worked; much like C, she only dug in her heels more stubbornly. Or, worse, she’d be motivated for a short time by the chance to receive a reward, and then she’d lose interest, and we’d be back at square one, only I felt even more frustrated and ineffectual.
So here’s my advice:
1) Dress her in clothing that makes it easy to go to the bathroom (underwear, and loose pants with elastic waistbands, mostly), or let her be naked from the waist down, if you’re comfortable with that. She needs to be able to get to the toilet, quickly, without fumbling around with diapers, pull-ups, so-called ‘training’ pants, or worse, tights and dresses with lots of cumbersome cloth.
2) Have plenty of little plastic potties in locations that are convenient for her.
3) Step back. The motivation to use the toilet can only come from her. You can set the stage, so to speak, but only she can decide if she’ll do it. Turning it into a power struggle will benefit no one.
Best of luck!
This is a bad time to try to potty train her, frankly. She’s just been displaced as baby. There’s been so much stress in her life over the last several months. I would lay off completely for a month or two. Then talk to her about it and ask her if she is ready to give it a try. Bribing with a treat for success is okay, but depriving her of her show is a bad idea. Emily was about her age before she was fully trained. She too had a new sibling and that caused major backsliding. This is a way for her to retain a little babyhood and exercise some control.
My girl didn’t ditch her diapers until she was 4-1/4. She began to show interest in toilet training when she was somewhere around 2-1/2, but somewhere along the way it became a power struggle. For a while when she was 3-1/2 and older, she would often go to day care all day in underpants. By force of will she would stay dry all day. Then I would have her try to use the toilet when she got home and I knew she had to go. She would refuse to go (and totally freak out) until I put a diaper on her. Finally, her teacher told us that she was using the toilet like a pro at day care, and had been for a while. At that point, we told her we knew she could do it, and there would be no more diapers. That was the end of it. The good news was that after this she almost never had an accident at night or during the day. She was physically ready, but it took time for the psychology to catch up.
The whole situation was pretty unpleasant. Our girl got a long-awaited spot at a great Montessori school, but we had to give it up when she turned 4 and still wasn’t toilet trained. The school had made it very clear that it would not accept children who weren’t toilet trained.
Since she is clearly old enough to know what she is doing, and she is choosing to sit in wet and dirty diapers, I guess it would be safe to assume that it meets some kind of need in her psyche.
Yeah, it’s gross, but it’s working for her.
That having been said, nothing wrong with trying to encourage her to find a more hygienic method of comforting herself.
I have a 9 month old and a 35 month old, we just quit diapers a few day ago and it was so difficult but it was difficult with me not with my husband we just discovered that the issue is with mommy and baby so you should try letting someone else potty train her. Maybe is the new sister. It worked for me.
My son was a few months older than 3 also. He resisted too. I had to drop it completely. Then one day we had a talk, I had said to him that he was such a big boy, and he was proud of that, but I said, you are still a baby in one way because you still wear diapers. He was crushed and insisted that he was a big boy. I said, well, name some big boys. So we named his friends and cousins who were older than he was. I said, do they wear diapers? No…. he said. I said, So, who wears diapers? And he said, his little brother. And I said, what is your brother? And he said reluctantly, a baby. Within a week of that conversation, he took a real interest in the potty and he was fully in underwear during the day in a few weeks. I don’t know if it will help you, or anyone else, but with him it seemed that this line of logic made sense to him and he was finally ready to give up being a baby.
I would also agree with the first commenter. The last year has been stressful for her. A doctor told me once that all kids can control is what goes in (eating) and what comes out (potty training), so you have to let them lead with these two issues. It’s probably a control issue for her, so if you let her feel in control, by not pressuring her or even mentioning it, then she will come around.
Maybe there is some big incentive you can offer? A big toy that she really wants? Maybe she can get it after she has worn underwear for a few weeks with no accidents.
Also – we were very flexible with the potties we used. We had a portable one that we took into every room that we were in so that it was right there. We had the seat one for the bathroom. And because he was a boy we let him go outside. We also did the naked time training, inside and outside, that Annie at PhD in Parenting mentioned.
Good luck!!
I don’t have any specific advice, but you are not alone. My oldest didn’t show any interest until about 38-39 months (and 40+ pounds). But then it was sudden. He said he’d wear underwear if he had baseball underpants. So we got him baseball underpants.
My nephew didn’t get out of diapers until three months shy of his 5th birthday. And my youngest, who got out of diapers around 3, still has occasional poop accidents. She’s 6. (sigh.)
It’ll happen.
I had a delayed potty training little girl. She was doing wonderful just before she turned two, then some major things happened in our lives and she took control of the one thing she could, the potty. She wanted nothing to do with it. She was months past her third birthday before we finally got things going again. I know it’s frustrating and no fun to have two in diapers but I think she’ll just take control one day and it will happen. Hang in there.
I’m willing to bet a whole lot that it’s due to all of the other things (Henry, new baby, emotions flying around…) Our oldest was quite interested in training, when i ended up in bed with the high-risk pregnancy. she had to wean cold-turkey, i suddenly couldn’t do anything for her, and then was with a baby in nicu for a month and had a medically-fragile baby for the an extended period. she ceased all interest in training, and just had zero interest in anything that was “growing up” for another year. we didn’t push it. when she was ready to start school (at nearly 4) she ceased wearing diapers entirely on her own. It hasn’t affected any other facet of her life.
I agree with the advice to lay off the subject for a month or two so C feels she has some control here. But if she still shows zero interest, and there are no medical issues, you might try to involve her in some way in the work of caring for her diapers. If she has to help you fold them and put them away (or do some other task that is manageable for her but cuts into time she’d rather spend playing or watching TV), she may decide it worth it to take an interest in the potty. Good luck!
this is what i posted on your DH blog:
i think that C is dealing with all the changes in her life the only way she can…and the potty is one of the things she can control.
it is hard when you are done with poop ( toddler or big girl poop is even harder) to deal with.
keeping herself in diapers is something she knows and it is safe for her.
when you are changing her diaper she is have one on one interaction with you or mom or her gma.
this would be normal behavior for a child who just and only had a new sibling to deal with some go from being completely PT to diapers again….
c has had that and more to deal with that would put a healthy grownup in to the snake pit.
having said all that. i have found keeping my 3 year old nude. helps LOTS
I think there is something to be said for the idea that C is just coping with the insane year that she’s had the best way she can. You don’t say whether or not C is reticent to change in other ways or if this is unique to her toilet habits. If it is the latter, than I agree it is likely a control-coping mechanism and that she’ll come around when she’s ready for it.
If it is the former, I think there might be something that you can do to help her along. My daughter is a very transition averse kid in many ways – as an infant and toddler (though I didn’t know what it was until later) that characteristic showed itself a variety of ways – not wanting to stop nursing EVER, having troubles falling asleep and waking up, crawling long after she was able to cruise and walk, and she didn’t like to get her diaper changed after waking. With potty training, eventually we pretty much had to take her diapers away. We were using disposables so we switched them for pull ups when she was napping and then she had a diaper at night but other than that, she was in undies all day. There were a LOT of messes and that was hard for me (she didn’t seem to mind) but she eventually managed the switch. As an AP family, we just made sure her feelings about wanting her diapers back were heard, that she was treated compassionately while she was missing them and we were as gentle as could be. She has gained confidence and learned a lot about coping with change as she’s grown (she’s 9 now) and the forced pantyfication doesn’t seem to have harmed her.
My daughter trained “late.” She started using the potty to pee exclusively around C’s age and we never had an accident, even at night, but she would *not* poo in the toilet for the longest time. With my daughter, all attempts to bribe, threaten, cajole, reason, they fall on deaf ears and often make things worse. This was not the first time she let me know she needed her own timetable. She was the same with crawling, walking, eating solid food, every major milestone, she did in her own way and her own time and if I tried to mess with it, she was a rock of “no way.” Ultimately, I backed off the toilet training and she did it in her own time. I forget exactly how old she was, but I think just past 3 1/2, when she started using the potty to poo. But when she did decide it was time, it was easy, no fighting, no bother, she was just done with diapers.
I can completely relate – and I think many parents can too, if they aren’t too proud to admit it. I think many parents are secretly judgy when it comes to late potty trainers. I see the looks! lol
My Daughter – she is 3 (and no.3 of 4 children) and very, very similar to C. Everything points to her being fully trained at this point, but she simply shows no real desire to do so. She’s capable but not committed : )
My top two kids were easy peasy and were past this by age 3. I’m just holding on to my gut feeling, and the opinion, that each child is different, and when her time is right, it will fully click. We can hope, yes?
Wow, these comments and your post have been so helpful to read! Here’s our story: Our daughter is 3 and a half, and she pees like a pro but insists on putting on a pull-up to poop. When she was 2 she said she would use the potty when she turned 3. Now that she’s 3, she has upped the age to 4! Since she wears underpants all day and poops at night (sorry, that borders on TMI), we haven’t had an issue at pre-school. Her now-famous line is: mommy I need a diaper to go poopie. So I decided, rather than stress about it, if this is what she wants for now, than it’s up to her to go get the pull-up and put it on. The question is, what happens when we run out of pull-ups? Do we buy another box, or do we say, no more pull-ups so its potty time? I have to believe that like other posts here, she will eventually want to be 100% big girl, but should I nudge it along by not buying more pull-ups, or am I headed for trauma and constipation?
I’ll chime in to agree with previous comments because it does seem that C has had a crazy year (that thankfully not many other 3 year olds have) and this is her way of controlling one of the few things she can. It’s probably not a bad idea to just let it go (no comments about diapers or underwear, no mention of the toilet, etc.) for a month or two. After that, decide on a reward and only casually mention it from time to time. If the reward is tangible, have it out in an inaccessible but prominent place. I’ve found that the more casual I am with my kids about something big (like a reward for doing/mastering something) the more interested and invested they become. Don’t know if that’s only my kids, but it works for us.
For my own 5 year old, he really wants to do things in his own time. With him, we’ve found that if we push a little and then completely back off, he comes around. Only in the last 6 months has he finally mastered wearing underwear overnight, but we had to push a little and then back off for him to decide on his own that it was okay to do it. (We knew he could, he just didn’t want to.) Hopefully, C will respond similarly if given the time and space to do so. Likely she already knows what you’d like her to do, but given her crazy year, she’d just rather not right now.
And good luck! Potty training is no fun (even when you’re decidedly not pushing it, it’s still frustrating!).
First … less stress … I bet she is out of them by the time she goes to college. Also, you will not win this one so let that go. She has had a very traumatic year, as have all of you, She wants control over the things that she can control. If she wants to do something that is complicated by her wearing diapers then tell her no and say that is why and then … no lecture… just walk away. She is smart so let her think about it. I imagine that she will start to see how this is impacting her and then SHE will decide to change things. Good luck
Christine Coppa blogged about this recently on her blog at Parenting Magazine. She mentions finally finding a book that helped her with her son. Google it.
My daughter turns 3 next week and also has no interest in potty training. She is also is in cloth diapers and doesn’t mind sitting in wet or dirty diapers. She understands the whole potty training process and will sit on the potty but will not pee or poop on the potty. We’ve tried letting her go naked or putting her in underwear, but she holds it until she has a diaper on again. We’ve also tried bribing her with treats, stickers and a movie with no luck. We decided to take a break from potty training for now.
I also think you should just drop it for awhile. She has had so much change this past year and even though school is a good thing, she still needs to adjust to a new routine. Let her get into a rhythm and then approach it. Also, I don’t know if you do this, but I would back off any talk about her being a big girl. She might just need reassurance that she is still your baby too and then she will be ready to take the leap.
Hi Katie,
The arrival of a new baby may be impacting on C in that she wants to retain a bit of her own babyhood via the nappies. It’s maybe the only one physical similarity she can spot between herself and the new baby. My son was exactly the same as I had a baby too. From his third birthday it took three months before I gave up under the pile of laundry. I eventually went down the treat route. I wrapped up load of ‘presents’ (crayons, bubbles, tootbrush etc) and put them in a basket beside his potty. He was always over at that bag. I explained that every time he managed to get something into the potty, he could take out a present. I think the fact that they were wrapped up made it a bit more appealing to him. A lot of people told me I was setting myself up for a kid who expected rewards for good behaviour but actually I think that’s nonsense. It worked over about a two week period and I can still get him to do stuff for me without the promise of a treat.
Best of luck.
Before disposable diapers were easily acquired at every corner store, the vast majority of children were potty trained prior to turning one.
That changed in the late 1950s and 60s, at least in this country, when people started deciding to wait until after the first year. The idea then was that the child would be fully trained by age two. This radical concept was first introduced by a Dr. Brazelton when he argued that a child is only ready to be trained after they are first walking, somewhere between the ages of one and one and a half. That new philosophy was considered a substantial delay at that time, but fast forward another half century and we now find the majority of American parents being advised to wait until their child has the verbal and motor skills more often associated with a three year old.
Is this progress?
In the meantime, the rest of the world has continued to happily potty train their children without disposables and without undue pressure, punishing, or other psychological damage during the first two years of life. When you consider that throughout history, all over the world, in every culture without access to disposable diapers, children continue to be trained far earlier than what is now common place in this country. Ask yourself, “Are we doing the right thing?”
Potty Training Facts
The average age for potty training is steadily on the rise. Back in the 1940s, the average American was potty trained at 18 months. Today, that average has ballooned to 35 months for girls and a whopping 39 months for boys.
Early potty training has zero effect on personality development. Countless studies clearly show that contrary to popular belief, potty training age has no effect on personality.
You can begin toilet training at any age, but your child’s biology, skills, and readiness will determine when they are truly ready. Parents wield all the power.
Teaching your child how to use the toilet can be as easy as teaching them to build with blocks.
A parent’s readiness to train is equally if not more important than a child’s readiness to learn.
It’s never too early to start potty training.
We’ve been going backwards for a while. Perhaps it’s time to turn around and start moving in the other direction!
You almost exactly described how my son was at 39 months when we finally potty-trained him. His baby brother came home a month after he turned 3, and he was in cloth diapers, so he also has that in common with C. With Lucas, I told him a few days in advance that I was going to take him to the store, let him pick out some underpants, and told him that after that, we’re not wearing diapers anymore.
He never used the potty the first day (6 or so accidents), but I made sure he took some responsibility by helping me clean up, and the 2nd day I was much better about setting the timer to tell him when to try (then it was the bell on the timer telling him it was time, and not me). I didn’t use any rewards other than damn near throwing a party in the bathroom when he first peed in the toilet and letting him pick the color of marker we would use to draw a star on the calendar each time he was successful. He also knew that the first time he had an accident-free day, he would get a special surprise (it was a small toy). He was accident free the 3rd or 4th day! We had a few setbacks down the road, but getting him to help clean up (pee or poop) seemed a good deterrent to future accidents. He’s still in pull-ups at night, but usually wakes up dry. It’s hard to believe that he was in diapers just a few months ago!
Fwiw, after all these comments. My second daughter was resisting the potty training despite our cajoling, bribing, etc. I finally decided I could not control her decision to go to the potty. All I could do was control my reaction to her lack of interest in potty training. Once I decided to let it go and not get frustrated about it, I was much happier. Then about a month later, she, with some help from her day care teacher, became potty trained pretty much in a couple of days.
I think if we want it too much, a lot of kids will just dig their heels in.
Ask the PK staff for advice/help. It may work much better if an adult who isn’t mom or dad (or aunt, grandma, etc) is doing the encouraging. If she’s going to the bathroom (just to watch) with other little girls who don’t wear diapers and have awesomely cute cotton undies C covets, that may help too. She’s a social little girl — she’ll figure it out.
Don’t be embarrassed. Your girl has been through a lot — no need to enumerate the changes — and she’s also new to preschool as well. Even if this is a wonderful experience she’s loving, it’s still new. She’ll get there in her own good time which is likely to be fairly soon, I wager.
i follow your blog(s) daily and when you mentioned this in your other blog- i was going to plead with you to write about it. my daughter will turn 3 in oct and will. not. even. try. she’ll tell me to put her diaper on her after her bath bc she has to go pee-pee. if i ask her if she’d like to try to use the toilet instead- she refuses (even though i have lately resorted to bribing her!). she’s very bright (and willful!) and all of her little friends at her preschool are using “big-girl underwear” at her “school”. i’m trying to act like it doesn’t bother me, but it really does. she has twin brothers that just turned one and i’m not sure if that has anything to do with it, but my mother-in-law suggested that she may want the attention that her brothers get during diapering. looking forward to hearing some of the other’s advice.
I have no advice because I can’t rememember how we finally got our son out of diapers at 38 months, but I wanted to chime in that you are not alone. As everyone said, C has been through so much this year. I know it’s probably frustrating, but I’d let it rest for a bit. She sounds like an awesome little person and I’ll bet when she does give up the diapers it will be a quick and easy process. Good luck.
I agree with the others who have said it most likely has to do with all of the changes in her life this past year. Also, she has been the baby to much older siblings. In a way she is now the Oldest of the second generation of children in your family. That is a big shift for little C. Wondering if cousin N is out of diapers and if exposure to N using the toilet would be an incentive to be like her. Your little girl is such a cutie… she will eventually use the toilet. Love the photos of her.
Nobody grows up unpotty trained. She needs to be babied a bit longer. So let it be like you did with your other kids and in a few weeks or months, this situation will resolve itself. I did put real underwear on over the disposable diaper to let my daughter see what they were like, she eventually just wanted those.
Your family is just lovely. One day, you’ll all have a good laugh about this.
Oh, I SO agree with everyone and let her do it on her own. I had a late walker and I kept telling everyone she won’t want to crawl to the mall at 16, so I knew she would get the hang of it eventually. C will want to be potty trained. Let her do it on her own–if you have that option.
C and my daughter Katie (the one mentioned above) have the same birthday and birth year
And…we were in Bell Buckle over the past weekend…but just for a potty break on our way back to Chattanooga.
You are singing my song mama! My 34 month old girl is very strong willed and independent little lady which made potty training this past summer quite the power struggle. I too tried everything under the sun to bribe her with- candy, toys, special trips with me, special toilet seats and potties- nothing worked! I was seriously starting to consider laying down some newspaper for her
Instead I bought her a pack of “big girl” undies and stopped buying diapers. From that point on she was only allowed to wear the undies. I also started making her go in and sit on the potty every hour or so throughout the day, which she HATED, but I told her she was going to lose her her favorite toy/show if she didn’t at least sit and try. Well, none of this was going smoothly, much less working. She was peeing all over the place, holding her poop- not a pretty scene. I was ready to give in to the diapers and just accept that I’d see her off to her senior prom in a stretch limo and a pull up.
However, FINALLY, one day my mom casually mentioned that if she used the potty like a big girl, she would get to go on a backpack walk with her Papa, and BINGO! We had figured out her currency, after which potty training became much easier. Accidents and power struggles became few and far between, and to this day if we run into trouble, the promise of a backpack walk will get her out of her funk 99% of the time.
Never in a million zillion years would I have thought telling my daughter that a walk would straighten her out so sometimes all you need is a fresh pair of eyes and some very creative thinking. With that said, keep on keepin’ on lady. You’re doing an incredible job and your children are absolutely beautiful.
I’m with everyone who has said not to push it. My son was a six week preemie (just like G!) and was late on many of his milestones. I would get anxious about that when it came to eating, walking, talking etc and decided, well in advance, that potty training was something I was NOT going to worry about. He too knew what he was supposed to do. I bought a big package of about 15 little cars, set it up on the bathroom counter and told him that every time he successfully used the potty, he could choose one. No punishments for accidents or pressure from us. There was about a week of accidents all over the place and it was hard to be patient but I just gritted my teeth and did load after load of laundry and then it was done. He’s about 3.5 and still wears a pull up at night but again, I’m not stressing. He’ll get there.
I agree there’s no rush. How’s her preschool on this? And her pediatrician?
This is pretty obvious but I’m not clear what you mean by reasoning with her. Have you tried to make her see what’s in it for her, like it will be more comfortable? That tack sometimes works, though these clever preschoolers often see right through it!
My son would not poop in the toilet until he was FOUR. He would hold it, come home from preschool and ask for a diaper. On the weekends, he’d say, Time for a diaper. His pediatrician said some children are afraid that they’re losing a part of themselves. She said sometimes having kids go out in nature works, the toilet is menacing at some subconscious level. One day, my son got interested in using the toilet for all business and that was that.
Fear not, I was physically potty trained at two and a half, but I refused to wear undies and use the potty until I was three and three months. You know, the day my family was packing up and moving cross country, I asked for undies to wear on the drive. My mother about cried because she had visions of a pee-soaked backseat, but I did fine. I grew up just fine.
My guy is 21 months, still nonverbal, and I have no interest in even starting to train him.
When C’s ready, she’ll be ready. With all the changes in her life, it seems unnecessary to push her right now.
When my oldest son was almost 4, we took him to his yearly checkup at the doctor’s office. I was in an absolute tizzy b/c he wasn’t potty trained. I mean, he was EARLY on most, if not ALL, of his developmental milestones. His wonderful, wise pediatrician looked at me kindly and said “Mom, he won’t wear diapers to kindergarten, I promise. Let him be.” The day before his 4th bday, he calmly walked to the bathroom, did his business and came back to inform me that he was ready.
I say he was like his dad…the more I nagged, the more he regressed. haha.
p.s. I bribed my younger son with a bicycle and he was potty trained in about an hour.
Love my boys and all kids are vastly different, aren’t they?
I agree with others that eveyone should completely back off the issue. Stop talking to her about it and make sure everyone else stops.
Leave the potty in the bathroom.
You have a toddler still dealing with the trauma from the past year, on top of all that a new baby arrived a 10 weeks ago.
She may be keeping her diapers because her new little sister wears diapers?
I have nothing original to add, except (I haven’t seen this above, but I admit I have not read every word) maybe just purchase a package of “big girl” pants and put them in her drawer. Just tell her, “Here, I was at the store and thought you’d like these when you’re ready.” Then just put them away.
I agree with everyone on her needing control in a world where a)she could not hold on to her big brother, and b)along came another baby girl. Tough times for the little angel.
Hugs.
Some friends with a 4-5 year old still in diapers were planning a trip to Disney and told him that they don’t let anyone through the gates in diapers. He was instantly toilet trained.
Please folks, no comments about “lying to children”, etc. This is what WORKED for a family who were desperate. The kid’s about 20 now and seems normal, despite his parents lying to him about Disney admission policies!
Maybe just have her sit on the toilet for like a half hour a day? Tell her that she doesn’t need to go, but she does need to sit there. Give her some books or toys to play with while she’s on there, or some water or a treat or something. Just something to keep her happy and distracted. My mom started doing something like this when I was a year old, and was potty trained at 2. The downside is that I still need to read or be distracted to go, and I am 27 now…
Perhaps try putting her in panties all day? That way she will have to deal with the mess if she goes in her pants. Leaving diapers on make it too easy.
You can put those plastic liners on over the panties if you don’t want a full blown mess.
More work for you, but a day or two of that should do the trick for her.
My son was this same age before he was ready.
We finally just picked a 3 day weekend when we were all home and went for it. He wore pullups at night for a few months, but we eventually got out of those as well.
Good luck! And remember, you are not alone!
@ Peektytoe:
no judgment from me…whatever works, WORKS. i think it was brill.
erika
I knew you were going to write this tale because my son went through the same stuff. he was dry (during the day) at 3 years, 3 mos. By he time he was 3 yrs. 9 mos, we had a new baby, had started a sabbatical year in a non-English speaking country (where he was in a non-English preschool) and then his Dad had a heart attack (his Dad recovered well.) Oh yeah -off the stress-0-meter
That was the end of his being dry! After I took him to be checked for a UTI, I put him in pullups and sent him off to the preschool where kids were supposed to be dry if they were attending. He continued to poop in the toilet but woudn’t pee.
I dropped the subject of training.
Finally at 4 1/2 he saw a set of matchbox cars in the toy store near our sabbatical apartment. “They’re yours if you stay dry (days) for a week.”
DONE!
My advice- drop the subject- she’ll train when she’s good and ready and she won’t graduate in pullups. PROMISE!
There’s a lot of advice here I have not read, so I hope I’m not repeating any. Being a big sister requires big girl panties. I would find the prettiest and fanciest panties on the planet and keep them displayed prominently. I feel sure she will eventually want to wear them rather than a wet diaper. With both my daughters, I placed the panties on the kind of hanger with pinch clips and hung it on the closet door knob. Bingo.
katie, my niece’s son is 37 months old and he doesn’t want anything to do with it at all. he’s had a hectic year – no, NOTHING like c’s hectic year, but he and his mom moved out of his “nina’s” house (his beloved grandmother), his mom got re-married, he gained a step-father and step-sister, and a new baby brother was brought in – all between november and july….my niece is not fretting it – when he’s ready he’ll be ready….don’t worry about c. she won’t be going to kindergarten in diapers
xoxo
First-Just had to mention that I laughed out loud at Larrisa’s “forced pantification” comment! I’ll have to see if I can use that in a sentence sometime!
I think people would be less quick to judge with parenting if we typically had more kids. You just run into more life situations and personality variations that way. This makes it easier to understand that just because YOU had no trouble doing X with your two kids, does not mean that another parent whose child isn’t doing the same thing must have lazy or uncaring or stupid parents. (not saying it’s right for everyone to have 19 kids, just saying this is something that may have changed along with typical family size).
I have 4 and one on the way. First 3 potty trained between 2-3 no problems, little effort on my part. 4th child (a month older than C.) will only poop on the toilet. We’ve also had a lot of stress and change in the past year. I agree-let it go, she and you will know when to reintroduce the subject. This is one of those things parents stres so much over at the time, but you won’t even think about anymore once it’s over.
my now 6-y/o didn’t potty train till he was 4 and even now he wears a pullup at night. She’ll do it. Just retreat. Hard to do, but just retreat.
Katie, my daughter turned 3 on 6/24 and is also still in diapers. Cloth diapers, which I am getting really sick of rinsing out every day! She can go hours without a diaper and not have an accident, but absolutely refuses to use the potty. She will sit on it while we read books and talk about how great it is not to wear a diaper, and then she’ll get up, put a diaper on (yes, she can put them on herself…clearly a sign she is too old for them), and pee in it.
I’m trying for the easy breezy approach because clearly this is a control issue and I do not want to get into a power struggle with her. But inside, I am screaming “you can do it”. We also have a big cruise coming up and she will not be able to go in the pool or in the children’s club if she is wearing diapers. If I believed in rewards, I’d be bringing them out right now.
Good luck to you and C!
I had success with the simple request of making sure one clean’s oneself when done. Not a fun job, and kids pretty much decide it’s easier to do it when they use a potty first.
P.S. Glad to hear you like the new job…lunch soon now that your back in my neck o’ the woods…
My oldest was exactly the same way. He was 3 1/2 before he was potty trained and I was mortified by it. What worked for me was finally being fed up enough with it to be more stubborn than he was. I put him in underwear and that was it. I REFUSED to put a diaper or pull ups back on him. The first few days were an absolute nightmare. Pee and poo clean up and changing clothes constantly. But he did get sick of it and do it.
Wow. Thanks for all the great advice everyone. But mostly, thanks for the reassurance that it’s okay to relax, back off and let her come to this particular milestone when she’s truly ready. It’s absolutely true that she’s had way more than any toddler should handle in the past year. She lost a sibling she loved and gained a new baby sister all within 3 weeks
Thank you. I love y’all. You help keep me sane as a mother.
-Katie
Katie, my daughter was 25 months old when I had her brother. My OB asked when she came to see me the day after delivery if she was out of diapers yet. I said no, I’d read that olders often regress when the new baby comes. She replied that she had heard COUNTLESS stories of that being the case.
C will get there. Just let her be.
Oh and Kate, who posted the diatribe above–your opining was really uncalled for when KAG was obviously seeking advice on training THIS child. Your diatribe wasn’t what she was looking for. Get a blog and gnash your teeth and beat your chest there.
Just to chime in with an “it’ll be OK” – my son was 4.5 before he was fully toilet trained. I was mortified. The only thing that helped was me backing completely off, otherwise it was just a power struggle. Also, right before he managed to poop in the toilet (he was too big for a potty by then!) I acknowledged that he’d like to stay in nappies forever, whereas before I’d always said something like no, you don’t really, nappies are for babies. Don’t know if this acknowledgement really helped, but the next day he used the toilet and all of a sudden, it was all over, and he used the toilet from then on. So hang in there, C will get there!!!
I didn’t think my son would ever be potty trained. I tried pullups, which were just glorified diapers. Then cute little boy underwear — plop and he pooped on the floor. He didn’t care!
And then shortly before he turned 3 his daycare/preschool director told me he was ready. He’d been going for them, waking up from naps dry… Sigh!
She instructed us to get a couple dozen pairs of thick cotton training pants and plastic pants, put it in a diaper bag, which we brought to preschool each day. First few days I was doing a LOT of laundry. And god forbid we were out somewhere because he’d say he had to go potty and it meant NOW.
I don’t know if it was peer pressure, as a couple of his friends were also being potty trained at the same time or he finally “got it” and got tired of constantly being soggy, but within a couple weeks, he was completely trained.
I still used pull ups at night even though he woke up dry every morning because I somehow managed to buy a HUGE box of them before starting the training process.
C has had alot going on in her little life the past few months. Perhaps the issue of potty training should be put aside for a little while. Have all the ‘accoutrements’ on hand (training pants, etc), and after the topic has been off the radar for a time, you might to see if she brings it up. A couple of thoughts: As she sees kids in pre-school using the toilet, she will become interested in it, AND the good old stand by: when she is ready, she will. My niece (who is now a Senior at Juilliard majoring in Opera) was probably close to four when she decided she would let me potty train her…….I used M&Ms. So, I guess I’m saying: Don’t let a suitcase full of cheese become your big fork and spoon (Everybody Loves Raymond)
It sounded at the time like the people at your old job — your bosses, your coworkers, and your clients, one of whom cut a hole in his wall for you — did a pretty good job of supporting you as a mother.
I’m glad there is no glass ceiling at Scripps and I fully agree that that shouldn’t be as impressive as it seems to us today, but this post makes it sound like the people at your last job treated you as if your only responsibility was to them, and that’s not the way it came across in posts you made at the time.
my oldest was 3.5 and then did it pretty much overnight. c has had a ton of upheaval in her little life lately. just give her some time, really.
Neither of my children toilet trained much before their fourth birthdays. My youngest is special needs (though that wasn’t why the late training), but my oldest is as typical as typical can be. Like C, she knew what was required, she knew alllll about the bribes/presents awaiting her when she met that milestone, but she Just Wasn’t Interested.
Until, one day, one of the women at her daycare got fed up, told her I’d forgotten to bring in her Pull Ups, and put underwear on her. That was it. It was a Wednesday. She insisted on Pull Ups at home that night, but let the undies be put back on her the next day at daycare. And had her last (daytime) accident EVER that Saturday. Done.
I really think that it was having someone ELSE take on the role of trainer, and me stepping out of that particular power struggle, that did it. Or maybe she was ready, and I was just too stupid to recognize it. But I prefer to believe the former.
Is NC potty trained/training? If so, I’d think she’d want to do what NC is doing. If NC isn’t, maybe that’s why C doesn’t want to.
I’m sorry if this has already been said – I haven’t had time to read all the comments. We had some luck with using a dolly that made pee, and having my child show the dolly how to use the potty. (drink water, take down her panties, sit her on the potty, and voila! Pee!) Then we all made a big deal out of it for the dolly – stickers, clapping, etc. Then daughter wanted the same attention, and so starting also using the potty. It helped me to realize the my kid did actually know what was involved in toileting herself as well. I also found it was important to be consistent – no one approach works instantly but you need to be committed to it for at least a few days or weeks before moving on. My kids potty trained at 26 and 24 months, so we managed to avoid the very spiritied 3s which may be playing a role here as well. Good luck!
No expert, and I agree with the many who say that considering all your family has been through this year, dropping the subject for awhile may be a good idea.
When I PT’ed my cloth-diapered son (around 34 months), I basically just told him (without lots of prep, though he had expressed some interest in potties and we had checked a few books out of the library except I didn’t like any of them) that he was growing big and needed to stop wearing diapers and start using the potty (we did stick with diapers at night and I explained that that was because he was still in a crib and couldn’t get up to pee; we started referring to those as “nighttime diapers.”). We did no rewards, no fussing (positive or negative), no nothing (well, praise if he peed/pooped in the potty, but not wildly so). Also I learned (and still do, at ~42 months) to tell him not that he needed to go sit on the potty but that I need him to go sit on the potty. Otherwise I pretty much ignored the issue, and cleaned up messes as they arose.
I’ve heard cloth-diapered kids train easier because CDs are less comfortable. I think in our case mom just found it less traumatic because I was already used to pee/pooped soaked fabrics in our home. That we have no carpets (all tile/laminate) simplified matters.
Anyway, that worked for us and was I think less effort than what I’ve heard many (not all) others describe. I focused on what I could control (telling him that he couldn’t wear diapers anymore, and I can get mine to sit on the potty for a minute or so without a huge struggle) and ignored the rest, and he figured it out …
Good luck to you, and I hope you can be kind and patient with C and with yourself as/when (and before) she works through this.
As others have said, she has gone through a lot these last few months which she has had no control over. She has control over her potty habits. She will use the potty when she is ready. One thought, maybe NC can help. Is she potty trained? It looks like they have a great time together. My younger son didn’t want to listen to me but loved doing things that his older brother did. Maybe NC could use the potty & then C will want to do it too.
Remember – you were also afraid her hair would never come in – see above photo. She’ll let you know when she’s ready.
Hi Katie,
My son was 3,5 years (to the date) and decided that morning then he didn’t want to wear any diapers, because he was a “big boy with underwear”. Imagine almost a year prior to this wonderful day, of me bribing, being angry, being positive, threatening and all those things… What a waste of energy! I shared the same fears you have now. But I should have known better. Don’t know about your C. but my C. choose to walk when HE was confident enough. Same with riding a bike, climbing, talking etc. To me, he is a little perfectionist and not a child of trial and error. Cause when he walked, he almost never feel, same with bikeriding, climbing etc. Maybe she just wants to decide on her own terms and time.
I’m not sure if someone has already suggested this but after looking at the photos of C and NC over at mamapundit, I was wondering if NC is potty trained? If so, perhaps spending a little more time with her would motivate C to ditch the diapers for some big girl panties?
Considering C’s life over the past year, it is completely understandable she wants to remain in control of this issue. This would be one of those instances where I would say give her time and allow her to do it on her own terms. I do not subscribe to the idea rewards should be given for expected behavior, only hugs and verbal praise. Under the circumstances it may appear harsh but I consider bribes like candy or extra television time the same as paying a child an allowance for cleaning their own room or brushing their teeth. Life skills do not necessitate rewards and often lead to an over developed sense of entitlement.
The bottom line for C’s bottom line…when she is ready she will let you know. Best of luck
We just got rid of diapers except for nap and bedtime. #1 was figured out in about a week – we are still working on #2 (she will only poop in diapers).
Not saying this is definitely the answer — but what if you set a date and say “no more diapers” from that date on? Just make them disappear.
Yes, there will be accidents, but C’s clearly a smart kid. I’m sure she’ll figure it out.
If it makes you feel better, my (now 4 year old) daughter took about a year to potty train, and accidents did not stop being near daily occurrences until she was well over 3.
I started to bring my daughter with me to the bathroom every.time.I.went. It can be a stressful situation for mom, but because she wanted to be a “big girl”, she started to get more curious. She REFUSED to go on a little kid potty. Perhaps if you take the “kid” potty away she’ll be more interested?
Also, my daughter was in pull ups for quite awhile with accidents almost daily when a friend suggested having the “big girl talk” with her. We let her know that she was doing great with some big girl things (sharing, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, cleaning up after herself, etc.) but she still needed to be like other big girls and go on the big girl potty. After we had the talk, we went out & purchased “big girl undies” and she’s had minimal accidents since that time. She’s about 2.5.
Her father had a horrible time trying to get her to go, so the other suggestions of letting someone else give her the “talk” may help. Good luck, hang in there.
Boy, do I remember those days. Best option, let it go. My son was over three before he chose to use the potty, instead of me forcing him. I tried offering a toy to entice him to use the john. I said, “H, if you get three poops in the toilet Mommy will buy you a Buzz Light Year doll.” (We are talking years ago.) Shortly after my bribe, he headed outside to play in the sprinkler with his big sis clad only in a pull-up. Minutes later, he came running in the house, stark naked and ran to the bathroom. I was in close pursuit. He released something from his hands and I heard a “plop.” I looked in the toilet to see that he has deposited a BM. He looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I poop in the potty! Do I get Buzz Light Year now?” I laughed and realized he’d stumped me. It wasn’t exactly what I’d had in mind. I let it go, and eventually he let go and began pooping on the potty at will. And, yes, he got his Buzz Light Year, he’s one smart kid, he deserved it for pulling over one on mom.
Katie,
I’m glad you’ve decided to back off for a bit. Both of my kids weren’t ready until they were about 3 and then continued to wear pull ups at night for quite some time.
Considering the year that you have had and the fact that a new baby has come into C’s life, it is not at all surprising that she’s uninterested. I’ve often thought that kids that were quite advanced in some areas can be a bit slower in other development. Perhaps when C is ready, you can use books as a nice reward (a star chart helped us.)
IMHO, for your own sanity, let it go for now. I had the same experience with my now 4 year old, and was sure he would be going to junior high with a package of pull ups. I tried everything – charts, stickers, treats, bribes, etc. It was exhausting! (for me, anyway) We moved this summer, and I was terrified that he would regress even farther. I was so busy with moving, that I forgot to worry about it, and found him one day in the downstairs bathroom pooping all by himself. He has been out of diapers day and night ever since.
We decided to force the issue of potty training the summer my daughter was over 3 1/2 – previously, we’d attempted a more child-led potty training, but that just was not happening.
So we told her all she had to do was try, and that she wouldn’t be punished for mistakes. We took her on her first amusement park visit and told her she got to come back if she’d try, but that we wouldn’t do anything fun if she refused to try. And, if she produced in the potty, she’d get candy! Then we followed through – no punishment, but no trips to the playground or other places if she wouldn’t attempt to use the potty.
It took less than a week, and she was night-dry within 2 weeks.
In our case, she was afraid of failing, therefore wouldn’t try — it was just a matter of making her try.
We had had no major trauma like the death of a sibling, and she’s an only, so I’m not saying this is necessarily the way to go for you, but in our case this was a good way to get past the impasse. Once she’d had a few successes it was incredibly easy.
Katie, as a reader of your blog (and a total, absolute stranger to you) I have wanted to express my condolences to you, and my profound admiration for you, for so, so long.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have more respect and admiration for you than I can possibly say.
And, um, potty training. I agree with everyone else. This little girl has had such extraordinary upheaval in her young life, a delay in potty training is almost inevitable.
Like everyone else, I’d say, give her time. The one thing I might add is, when *you’re* ready (and this may be a long “when”), take Miss C out for a special “girls day.” Structure it around her great interests in life. And … this day happens with underpants on. Accident? Change everything, no negative feedback, move on. ‘Nother accident, same thing.
What I think I’m trying to say is that kids get a lot of comfort … a lot of babying … from being changed. To let go of this form of intimacy, they need another.
And finally, as a mom who potty trained late (and for reasons far less valid than yours — my son’s just been super-sensitive and temperamentally fragile since birth), the great thing about waiting is that you can build in all these fun preschool-level interests as incentives. Which got us, well, more Thomas trains than anyone could ever need, but N. was SO excited about it. He’d check his dipe and verify dryness about every 30 seconds, and then it’d be “let’s go to the train store!”
just give her time. I have a friend who lost her husband when her oldest boy was three (and was 8 months pregnant with her second). The oldest boy spend his entire year in diapers. He just didn’t care. My friend tried, periodically, to encourage underpants, but wisely didn’t push it. When the boy was four, he suddenly decided he was ready, and that was that. He went from diapers to underpants, even at night, literally overnight. So, based on this, I’d say just ignore it. Make it okay, and she’ll get it eventually. If she feels comfortable in diapers, I think she deserves that comfort. Who cares what other people think?
take care…
My son, too, was a late potty trainer. Not only was he perfectly content to sit around in a wet, soggy diaper, he didn’t mind sitting in a dirty, poopie-filled one, either, much to the displeasure and frustration of both his father and mother. So what did we do? We continued to encourage him to use the toilet, reminding him/taking him to the toilet on a frequent basis, even letting him sit with us while we used the toilet (on occasion). Eventually, he began using the toilet to urinate exclusively. Finally, when he was four and a half years old, he began to use the toilet on a fairly consistent basis for “number two”, as well. Despite the occasional accident/mishap, he grew into wearing underwear all the time, and I am happy to report he is now a healty, precocious nine year old boy who wears underwear and uses the toilet. The biggest thing that allowed me to keep my sanity and patience during the whole time that this “struggle” was going on, was the idea and understanding that eventually, he would get it. My boy would successfully make the transition from pull-ups to toilets, and wouldn’t start college or walk down the aisle on his wedding day wearing disposable diapers or pull-ups. Whatever works, works, and whatever you have to do to make it through, do it – just remember – everything will work out in the end, and there are plenty of other things to stress about than the fact a three year old prefers to wear a diaper. Best of luck to you!