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re: What are your biggest parenting mistakes so far?

Leslie — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:05:28 GMT

Making us tell first? No fair, Katie!

I think one big mistake I made was thinking I knew exactly what I was doing and that my kids were going to be perfect. So I've never really been prepared to have things go wrong, and didn't have any plans for how to deal with them when they did.

Some concrete mistakes: Nursing on a strict schedule with my first baby (it didn't hurt her, I don't think, but it sure stressed me out!); obsessing over the sleep thing with my first three kids, including Ferberizing them; circumcizing my first two sons, even though I really felt unhappy about it (I've apologized to them for this one); not paying more attention to the fact that my youngest son needed more in the way of school preparation than the big kids ever did; yelling too much and spanking, which I swore I would never do.

I'm sure more will occur to me as the day goes on.

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Debra — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:15:58 GMT

KOA & MIA: (((huggs)))

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Catherine — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:09:46 GMT

Nevermind.

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Catherine — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:56:56 GMT

Weird. Weren't there some comments here previously? None are showing for me...

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Dawn — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:59:56 GMT

Katie, if you or any of your readers are really interested in knowing more about toddler adoption they can pick up a copy of Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. Toddler adoption has different challenges than does infant adoption or older child adoption and this book is pretty much THE book about it. (Madonna could use a copy, let me tell you.) And the best resource for adoption history including information about the orphan trains can be found here: www.uoregon.edu/.../timeline.html

Ellen Herman, who manages The Adoption History Project, also has a new book out: Kinship by Design.

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Your mama — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 13:47:02 GMT

Couple of things, Kate. Your great (or was it great great) grandfather was put on an orphan train and shipped west as a boy. Hundreds, or thousands, of children were. I'm sure someone has done a study of some sort to see how they turned out. As far as I know, he survived, grew up and did fine, but there have to have been terrible emotional scars.

And, during your last visit to Bell Buckle, I was playing with Charlotte when she suddenly looked around and said, "this is the wrong house."

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Suzanne — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:58:39 GMT

My former father-in-law's birth mother was a 14 year old Italian Catholic girl. Back in the 1940's they would only place a child in a home of similar ethnicity, and it took almost four years for him to be adopted. He stayed in an orphanage until then. I read some of the notes from his case history, and they describe a very sad, lonely child, prone to tantrums and anger. He was not able to bond well with his adoptive parents, and could not attach to his son when he became a father. He has been married six times, is emotionally and physically abusive, and remains a very unhappy person.

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Melissa — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:45:12 GMT

My nephew was adopted at about 16 months. I was lucky enough to be staying with my sister and her husband at the time and was his first babysitter over my summer vacation. It was difficult. He cried at first and was clingy. But children that age, as rooted in their routines as they are, are also very flexible (I guess some more than others). I think as long as they are given affection, and have at least one or two things from their old life to cling to (a blanket, a binky) they adjust quite quickly. My nephew is now almost 30, by the way.

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

eringremlin — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:13:44 GMT

My in laws just adopted an almost-three year old who had been fostered by their best friends for about a year. He is a very easy going, low tension child- almost distractingly so. He never fusses, doesn't even cry when he really hurts himself (a fall out of their van straight onto his head brought an "ouch. head." even though it was severe enough that they thought it might have been a concussion).

He also is very affectionate and loving. To everyone. The first time I met him he was about 2, when lots of children are at their weariest of strangers. He came over, asked to be picked up, and snuggled me for quite awhile. He hadn't even been told who I was yet.

Its interesting to me to muse on whether these are just naturally occuring personality traits or the result of lack of attentiveness and frequently changing caregivers in his first couple of years. Either way, however he got how he is, he is an absolute delight. I'm so glad to be part of his family- the family that will be there forever.

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

Laura Creekmore — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:11:19 GMT

All I can share is my perspective from having raising two children [aged 10 yrs and 6 mos] from birth, and one [aged 4 yrs] from the age of 7 months, when he came home from Guatemala.

In the parenting classes I attended before the 4yo came home, they told us that in general, kids adopted before 10-11 months old generally had few transition issues, those adopted before 2 had adjustments to make but these were usually overcome relatively quickly, and that after that, it became an increasingly more difficult transition. And that in all cases, whether the child had formed attachment with loving caregivers was a critical piece -- the early ability to bond with other humans is important to being able to successfully bond with other humans throughout our lives.

But it is damn eerie to bring home a 7 month old, who was clearly loved and well cared for in his foster family, and see NO visible transition effects. He was, and is, a happy, loving child. He likes to hear the story of his adoption, as many young children like to hear about their origins, but he has no related angst about it.

At the time, I said to friends, does this mean someone could have taken my daughter [then 6] at the age of 6 or 7 months and plopped her down somewhere else, and she'd have been just fine? Apparently. And now that my younger daughter is about the same age, it is strange to contemplate that -- strange when I see how clearly she lights up when I walk in the room, when I see how she recognizes and loves many of the people in her extended family....there must have been effects there for my son that we could not see, since he did not have the ability to verbalize them at 7 months. Right? I don't know, it just seems that way to me.

re: Maternal musings on what it might feel like to be adopted as a toddler

KOA — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 12:55:52 GMT

MIA was adopted at 1 year and has some very amazing pre-verbal memories. Very unsettling memories and very emotional ones. I won't go into the unsettling ones. However, the others are very interesting as well. At 18 months, she would be moved to tears by music, especially middle eastern music. One day in the car I was playing some Azeri music. she became very quiet. I looked back to see wave after wave of tears silently rolling down her cheeks. At 3, when she saw Finding Nemo, she became almost hysterical, crying uncontrollably for hours. I couldn't decide whether to end the movie or let her finish it. We let her finish it (as she wanted) because I felt she would work through the emotions better that way. She was devastated by Nemo's father's pain and fear about losing Nemo. When we adopted MIA, we spent time at the Baby House caring for her, feeding her, playing with her. We left a soft babydoll with her. I had slept with it for weeks prior to going to pick Mia up so she had my scent with her in bed each day. We went back several times a day so that she associated us with the place. By the time we went to pick her up, she reacted excitedly to seeing us. This did not resolve issues but made the transition a little easier.

re: Maternal musings on what it feels like to be adopted as a toddler

Emily J. — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 04:46:03 GMT

Whoa, that comment up there is intense!

re: Part-time parenting is really the best of bad options

Lynn — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 20:02:05 GMT

I too try very hard to be as open and flexible as possible with my kids' (6 and 7 years old) father. He works full-time and also plays guitar in a band part-time and we split the time with the kids 50/50 - one week I'll have them four nights, the next he'll have them four nights. The issue is he always plays on Tuesday nights and on Friday and Saturday nights and doesn't have them until dinnertime on Sunday. I have been taking them whenever he needs the night off, I am extremely flexible but I'm starting to feel taken advantage of. This arrangement makes it impossible for me to spend a night with my boyfriend on the weekend (my kids don't know about him and I don't plan on introducing them to anyone I am dating in the near future so I can't spend time with them both together).

A number of weeks ago I asked him to please find a solution - a babysitter or something so he could have the kids one night on the weekend. His solution is to have the kids just go to his parents overnight. I am not happy with this solution because his parents don't live that close to us, it means the kids don't get to see their Dad (and they really want to spend time with him), it's shuffling them to yet a third house each week, and his parents are a bit odd (not dangerous odd just some strange ways/habits that the kids seem to pick up). I strongly believe this is not a good solution for anybody but him. As part of our separation agreement we have to offer the other parent first right of refusal if we can't take the kids (so if I were to get a babysitter I ask him first if he'd like to have them). So if necessary I will evoke that but I don't want to turn this into a legal battle. We've worked out everything up until now without too much trouble. I feel very strongly that it's not good for the kids to go to his parents one night each week. I could really use some suggestions on how to handle it without getting tempers flaring.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

Chelsea — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:10:38 GMT

Wow. I can't tell you how much this post hit home with me. My kids are 13, 12, almost 5 and 2. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this 2 year old stage as well, where they have such great developing personalities and I get to dress her any way I want. That said, I also appreciate your description of "mouthy sullenness" that my middle-schoolers certainly have in force at the moment. High school? We'll burn that bridge when we come to it! Thanks for the tips though!

re: "The Opt-Out Revolution" Has Become "The Please, Please Let Me Opt-Back-In Recession"

Pam — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:42:45 GMT

I love Lisa Belkin, but I was disappointed in the wording of her "Opt-Out Revolution." I hate it that people talk about opting-out to stay home and "raise your children." I work full-time out of necessity. I live in Orange County, CA, and it's nearly impossible to own a home and live on a single income.

I know that I am still "raising" my children. Although I work, I am still an very active and CENTRAL part of their lives. And I am their mother. They are watched during the week by an amazing woman in a home environment. But the rest of the time, it's me and my husband. They aren't "raised" by anybody else. I still get up with the baby at 3 am, and I am pretty dang sure that counts for something.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

Diane — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:11:20 GMT

We require our teen girl(senior) to bring her laptop and cellphone into our room before 11pm. At first she balked but very quickly (and suspiciously) adapted to the new rule. Thing is,she would get up after we fell out and hijack MY cellphone that was charging in the kitchen. These kids are pretty tricky! Now my bedroom is "Electonics Central" at night.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

renee — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:25:46 GMT

What impresses me is that you have photos of you with your kids. I have none. There are pictures of the kids, all taken by me, and many of me, taken by the kids (mostly the up-the-nose angle) but approximately zero of us together (and I'm not a single parent, but photography-wise I might as well be.)

re: The hardest decision I've ever made as a parent, 14 years later

Debra — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:47:50 GMT

I came across your blog today, and just want to thank you for re-publishing this story. Your story sounds like mine, only we are just at the beginning. I am 12 weeks pregnant, and my husband and I found out at 10 weeks that I contracted primary exposure CMV. I can completely relate to every word that you wrote, every emotion you were feeling, and your strong urge to protect your child. I am so glad that you have your wonderful daughter and that she is healthy. Your story is inspiring and I can only hope we have a positive outcome like yours. Thank you for sharing.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

Carrie — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:55:39 GMT

I am 6mo pregnant with my first and I am TERRIFIED of having a teenager. My mom and I have a wonderful relationship and did so throughout my teen years, but I was shy and missed out on a lot. My sister was the opposite and a complete nightmare - I can't imagine living through that again. I try to comfort myself with the thought that my little girl probably won't be either of these things and will hopefuly strike a more happy medium.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

LouAnn — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:09:59 GMT

I don't have any kids, but that dog really does look crazy in that picture, and from what you've posted, it captures his/her personality perfectly!

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

Melanie, Wolfville — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:42:18 GMT

Thank you so much for this enlightening blog! Lots of things to look forward to.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

Robin in Murfreesboro — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:07:11 GMT

Ha! When I got to the part about the Grateful Dead poster, I couldn't help but think of my sweet, soft-spoken 15-year-old musician daughter's HUGE poster of Johnny Cash snarling and flipping the bird. His hand is as big as a human head. I told her it's coming down when my mother comes to visit.

High school is terrifying to me because everything counts now. Failing French? On the transcript for all the colleges to see. Too sick to go to school? Missing a chemistry test. Lost your English binder? No way to study for the final. Post a video of yourself playing a song on youtube? 5000 hits, and they aren't all nice people and lots of them want a phone number. Say something (deservedly) mean about your sister's boyfriend on Facebook? HR will probably see it in 10 years.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

mamazee — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:24:35 GMT

i've got all the ages right now, too - from 19 mo up to almost 14 (so i've got none who are "done" and adult yet)...

My dh's favourite age, hands down is around 3 - they can walk/talk/play, so cute, little, but not breakable like newborns seem to him.

I honestly can't pick a favourite... i love the tiny newborns who come out so gorgeous you think you will forget to breathe, and then get even cuter every day... love the preschoolers and their proto-logic, love elementary school children where their own "bents" start to emerge, and you get a glimpse of the person they will one day be. LOVE the teenager years (so far) - the conversations that make sense and challenge you (are all teens this smart?), love going running with them and being able to workout with them, or having someone else in the house who can make lunch (and be proud to do it!) Someone else who thinks my little babies are the best babies in the world (besides me and dh). I love how openhearted people are, before we throw them to the wolves and make them be grownups like us... :).. Children are so much fun, at every age...

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

Clisby — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:41:52 GMT

A favorite age? I don't know - the age they are always seems like the perfect age (mine are 7 and 13). However, if I could magically go back in time and spend a day with their younger selves, it would probably be at 3 or 4.

re: I love the "Terrible Twos"

kgranju — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:26:19 GMT

Yep! That's my H! And the haircut definitely makes him look very different and much older. And last night he had me buzz it even shorter ;-)

-Katie