I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

mombo — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 02:07:02 GMT

I am reminded of the parenting class I took with my husband before our son was born. At one point, the teacher had the men and women in different rooms. She asked the women what we were most anxious about in regard to our upcoming due dates. We all said things like the pain of labor, the changes in our bodies, the changes in our lifestyles, etc. She also asked the same thing of the men while they were off by themselves, and their resounding fears were of financial difficulties and of the pressure of having very real, very tiny dependents.

I think your concerns are very commonly held by men and it would be interesting to hear how they would feel about your comments.

I also have REALLY been enjoying your blogging at babble and I don't get the negativity at all. Please keep your honesty and awesome writing flowing.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

kgranju — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:18:10 GMT

I do absolutely have an exceptional support system. Some of that is sheer luck and some of it has been a conscious choice (my sister and I, for example, have forgone other life opportunities to be sure we are raising our kids in the same community). But even with more help than many single parents have, before Jon, it was still all me when it came to paying my bills and getting three kids out the door to school in the morning.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

Kelly — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:13:42 GMT

Katie, I think the other comments might have taken exception with your statement on the stress of being the sole parent. Even before Jon, you spoke of an exceptional support system, with two sets of grandparents, a sister, and an ex-husband willing to take more than their share of helping you get the kids to school, after school stuff and so forth. Many single parents would salivate at the help you've had over the years!

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

Beth — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:03:43 GMT

Thanks so much for this, Katie. I work the "career track" job with benefits, and my husband stays home with our 9-month-old son while running a small home-based business about 10 hours a week. The weight of this financial responsibility only hit me recently, and boy is it a big one! Perhaps men are raised and conditioned by society to be providers, and even as a product of a feminist upbringing, I was prepared to always be able to take care of myself. But responsible for the financial well-being of 3 people? Being that kind of provider is something that's hard to wrap my head around, and the weight sometimes feels enormous.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

MidLifeMama — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:47:42 GMT

My husband would LOVE it if I earned twice what he does, or if he could afford to not work at all but since I work in higher education and he in the land of software applications, that is probably never going to happen. As for the negative comments, while it was nice you added the clarifications, they were not necessary. I totally got what you were trying to get at. I felt like a full blown adult the first time I bought my own tea kettle. I had had one that was handed down to me, and this one I went and chose on my own and it was WEIRD for me. I don't know why. Now I am someone elses mom and always will be and I feel completely like an adult and also very very tired.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

mamatried — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:01:21 GMT

Strangely, both my husband and I make the same amount with our careers but I elected to go part-time because I wanted to and we were able to switch our health care over to him for the first time in our marriage which was the big issue for our financial security. It does freak me out a whole lot (especially since my husband has had health issues recently) but I am actually sort of glad for the break and especially for the time with my girls. The good news is that my chosen career path (education) allows for women to leave the workforce and return pretty painlessly. And I am really thrilled that my husband also leaves his relatively stress free state job at 4:30 and strolls in the door at 4:50 every afternoon to take over the caregiving and give me a break. Of course, we will never be rich but I learned long ago that time is more important to me and we are comfortable.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

SARAH — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 15:25:52 GMT

I wasn't trying to be negative. It was late and I was trying to be quick. Katie, I actually agree with you about keeping a foot in the work place. I've just seen it work the opposite way as well. I've seen people take tremendous hits to their income because they had to start paying for both health insurance and child care, not being able to stay late at work etc... It is all a balancing act.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

kgranju — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 15:10:22 GMT

Also, to the commenter who said we have "the perfect set-up," I want to be clear that we do not. I work too many hours some weeks, and even though my husband does more than his share of housework, things get left undone. We really need a housekeeper. We do. And sometimes I am unable to do things at my kids' schools or whatever because my job is demanding.

I think that in a perfect world, Jon and I would each work half-time, and we would have enough money to live on.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

kgranju — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 15:06:24 GMT

Ebee-

This is a great question, and let me preface my answer by emphasizing that I AM NO EXPERT, and what's right for your family may not be right for mine.

Having said that, here's my opinion: I believe that babies and young children grow best when they are mostly cared for by their parents and close family members in a very hands-on and attached way. That necessarily means that during children's early years, someone is going to do less paid work for a certain period of time. With my older children, that person was me. With my youngest, my husband does more of the hands-on care. And I used to assume that it was safe to completely step away from the workforce for long periods of time while raising children. But what I have learned from my own experience and that of a lot of other people (primarily women, because we tend to do more of the hands-on parenting in the early years) is that it's wise to at least keep one foot in the workforce during that period, through part time or freelance work, volunteering - just something. I think women are taking a huge risk when they completely step out of the workforce for long periods of time with the expectation that their partner will always be there to financially support them and their children. If something does happen - divorce or death - it can be really difficult for women who have completely lost all touch with their careers to find a way to take care of themselves.

It's all a juggling act, for sure. And some women have told me they find my post-divorce view - that women need to assume that at some point they will be the main wage earner - really cynical and anti-family. I can certainly understand that point of view, but I have just seen too many women shocked and left in a big mess when they no longer have a partner but still have to support themselves and their children.

-Katie

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

ebee — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:32:53 GMT

hi katie, i love your blog, and i love this essay. i have a question though. i know you think its a mistake for women to put their careers on hold to raise kids. but do you also think its a mistake for men to do the same? i'm asking because of the comment that your would like your husband to be able to stay home more.

in my family, i stay at home because frankly i am the one better suited for the job. i think my husband would go crazy! i do understand and appreciate your arguments for why it is a mistake for women to do what i'm doing. but i guess its a risk i'm willing to take.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

la Matriarch — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:17:06 GMT

Hi Katie - gosh I wish I'd read this post BEFORE all the rude, negative comments. It's strange, I don't know where your commenters come from but I don't notice the rude negativity in commenters on other Babble blogs so I'm assuming these people are somehow your pre-babble enemies? lol.

Anyway, great post! I too make more money than he does, but only a little more. He has no problem with it and I'm sure if he werent nine years younger than me, we'd be equal or he'd make more (I saw a sign in an HR office the other day that said women make 71 cents to a mans dollar). We use to joke that he should be a stay-at-home dad if we ever have kids because he's so much better at it than I am. I think most important factors are how can you provide the best environment for your childs growth AND provide the best life for your family. It sounds like you guys have a perfect set-up for that.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

Renee — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:04:44 GMT

You know, I'm not surprised by the people posting here criticizing you for posting info about you making more than your husband, etc. I am disgusted, though. You're not diminishing what your husband does at all, you're just stating the facts. Seems like the folks that have an issue with that are those that have pent up feelings of hostility pertaining to their acceptance (willing or otherwise) of their (gender-specified) place in the home, and the economy thereof. It amuses me to no end when other folks get offended on behalf of someone else--especially when it's pretty obvious that the someone else doesn't really care at all.

I personally think this is a great post. I worry about a lot of the same things, too. A long time ago, my husband and I decided that making sure our daughter was brought up by family was more important to us than having a new car or a big house. So we have a used car, and a small house, and my husband splits his time between watching our daughter & working from home (he does graphic design) while family members and the _occasional_ babysitter help out, and I work outside of the home in order to get good health insurance for the family. At the end of the day, though, we all get equal weight when making decisions about the family--from money to actions--and that's what really matters in the whole equality equation.

The only downside I see is that we're so used to the male stereotype--wage-earner, strong, silent type. So when a woman becomes the primary wage-earner, somehow we're still supposed to fall into that male archetype and not talk about it when we're worried about stuff. Well, that's just B.S. in my opinion. Keep posting. I'l keep reading.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

toby — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 11:33:20 GMT

Like Sarah said, there are many ways of 'taking care' of someone else. You are still depending on someone else to take care of you - just not financially.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

sarah — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 04:24:57 GMT

It sounds like to me that you are being taken care of. Your earning potential is directly related to him being able to take on more of the household dutiies.

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:54:02 GMT

If you were a grownup you wouldn't keep posting that you make twice what your husband does.

Go figure, you have been in the workforce twice as long!

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

anon — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:22:34 GMT

Keep punching that point and you won't have to worry about his contribution to the household too much longer...

re: I bring home the bacon; he fries it up in the pan

Stephanie — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 22:49:37 GMT

Great post. I, too, am the primary wage-earner in my family and it is an immense responsibility. Another place that reinforces essentially the point you are making is _The Feminine Mistake_ which basically emphasizes that women should not--and cannot--count on husbands or significant others to "take care of" them and recounts the sometimes unexpected consequences of leaving the workforce while raising children.