My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

MommyOf2 — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 04:41:03 GMT

All your advice sucks!

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

EG — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 14:09:46 GMT

Hey, I just made a connection yesterday! The other day I stopped by our local La Leche League to borrow some breastfeeding (of course) books. The leader handed me another one and said it's not EXACTLY about breastfeeding, but it goes with the LLL philosophy.

I haven't looked at any of them yet, but I glanced at the pile yesterday and saw "Attachment Parenting." I thought, "wait, I think I 'know' who wrote that!" And yes, it is your book.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Kate — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 20:57:30 GMT

I didn't read all the comments, so this may have been talked about already. We noticed that the whining comes in waves and phases. The best way of handling it for us and our 3.5 year old is to expect that requests will be made in a normal tone of voice.

So if the request is whined, the response (before moving a muscle to comply) is: "sure, no problem, but you need to ask me in your big kid voice."

It helps me stay calm and keep from chucking things ... and reminds the kiddo of the expected behavior.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Susan — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:35:26 GMT

We recently got through a 2 week whinefest (I wish it had been a winefest, but no such luck). One Monday after a particularly trying weekend, our 18-month did an about face and is back to her old smiley self with occasional breakdowns, but mostly happy. We are chalking it up to the growth of her first molar. Can't wait for the next one to come in. So, just think, "this too shall pass." Hang in there.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Amy F. — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:33:04 GMT

Once when my two year-old was whining, I asked him (as I usually do) if he could say it in a "regular" voice. He said, "No. Whine." So I said, "Do you need to whine for a while?" and he said "Yeah."

I told him that was fine, but that I was going to walk away while he did it, because I didn't like it. He sat in my room whining for about 45 seconds, then got tired of it and stopped. I've now added that to the inventory of solutions, along with requests for the regular voice. I just tell him to go ahead and get all the whining out if he needs to, and to tell me when he's done (because I sure won't be there).

Also, for what it's worth, he is extra whiny when he's teething.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Dewi — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:16:02 GMT

Children whining is facanting because it really does mean different things at different developmental stages and ages.

A 8 yr old whining is very different than a almost a two yr old. Older children and adults stop whining or nagging when they authentically feel heard and emotionally validated. No need to whine when you are really listened to.

A 2 yr old can be a crazy irrational developmental stage, it's like they woke up with psychosis. So there is nothing wrong with helping your toddler get a hold of themselves and refocus emotionally at the breast that is good place to calm and sooth them, it not like giving a cookie, it's giving of mom.

Culturally it's thought that the breast is just a source of food like a cookie. However Nursing is many things and food is just one, especially as you nurse into childhood.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

EG — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:22:59 GMT

I HATE whining. Ugh. When he was about 18 months I taught him "Help, please" which helped a ton.

Of course at 26 months he still whines, but I can usually tell him I can't understand him when he whines, and he needs to ask nicely.

And we will do time-outs for whining, but they're a TRUE time-out, not a punishment. He likes sitting in his crib with books, listening to music. Sometimes he needs a break from stimulation. This has been HUGELY helpful for us for the last several months. It was also one of the only times he got a pacifier, but since we broke that habit a few weeks ago it's been less helpful.

And if he's just whining and throwing a fit and being a brat (this is usually accompanied by hitting me or hitting the dog), time-out as punishment is definitely a possibility.

And of course there's redirection, hopefully before we get to the hitting mommy and the dog stage!

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

mamatried — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:09:41 GMT

That was honestly a hard age for me as a parent (it probably didn't help things that I brought home a new baby when my first daughter was 18 mos). It was weird how now at just 2 years and 4 mos that she has so much more control over herself and is less rigid than prior to two.

I find for me that sometimes when she is being really whiny and clingy the best thing for me is to just sit down on the floor and give her a lot of one on one attention for 10 minutes or so and then she seems to be satisfied. We also have been instituting 'no TV' days and I even had to do it for a week after we were all home sick and it was on too much for my liking.

I only TO when she hurts her sister and then she has to hug her and say "I love you."

But I'm sure you know all this being on your fourth and all ;)

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Jane — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:28:03 GMT

Both of my daughters started up a little with the whining but since I too have no tolerance for it (for me, it's like nails on a chalkboard) I definitely employed the 3,2,1...Timeout! method.

Before they were 2 it consisted of a minute sitting with me while being held. After they were two it consisted of 2 minutes in the timeout chair. (they got one minute of timeout for every year of age) No excuses. If they whined for something they were sure NOT to get it.

Sometimes that escalated into tantrums but only until they learned that I was serious about the warnings and the timeouts and the no whining. After a period of being VERY consistent with warnings and timeouts, it just faded away. Not a moment too soon as I recall.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Suzanne — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:39:44 GMT

I don't have children, but when my nieces whined for things, I responded back to them in an over-the-top nasal whiny voice... "But I don't waaaaaaannnnt toooooooooo" for example. They usually started laughing when they realized how ridiculous they sounded. Maybe that's something only an aunt can get sway with, though.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Catherine C. — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:27:04 GMT

I hate the whining too, but love the wine. I enjoyed reading your post. For my 2 1/2 year old daughter who likes the whiny voice, I say, "I can't hear you with that voice. Use your calm voice. Say it in a nice way." It usually works, and actually it is really funny b/c she will about face and say it all very calmy and with a "pwease." Asking her to use a calm voice doesn't always work, but I continue to try it and not respond to the whine. With toddlers, I think it just takes constant reinforcement. I was a middle school teacher in a past life, and feel like now, with my first and only child, a teacher once again, 24-7. The teaching never stops. Pass me a glass of wine, pweeeze!

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Liz — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:09:53 GMT

No offense Dewi, but isn't putting the child on the breast every time he/sh whines teaching them to submerge every uncomfortable feeling and fix it with food?? I don't think it is any different than parents who offer kids a cookie to shut them up every time they whine...

My first kid (bottlefed, I might add) just was NOT a whiner. It was not her personality. Arguer yes. Temper, yes. Whining, no. My second (breastfed) is very whiny. It is just him. My personal observations are that most kids do not get much of a character flaw redirect until they are old enough to comprehend things like the parents telling them that they will not respond to whining. I have told both my kids that various things they do are not attractive to others and that if they want to get along in the world, they would do well to work on eliminating whatever that particular trait is (whininess being my son's special trait).

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Leslie — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:48:30 GMT

I have an 8-year-old whiner who is capable of going on FOREVER. Literally he can whine the same couple of words for an hour nonstop. When he's whining, it's almost always over something either I've said no about or can't do anything about, so I just ignore him until he stops (when something else finally distracts him). He gets some reinforcement of this behavior, unfortunately, from his 4-year-old sister, who cannot STAND to listen to him whine, so if he is whining about something of hers he wants, more often than not she gives it to him just to shut him up! Not good.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Dewi — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:47:27 GMT

In the past two posts it sounds like you're re-learning and reinventing how to parent because you don't have the magic from your breasts. You are facing a whole new world of issues you did not have to deal with because of BF.

As you said redirecting attention is what putting the kid on the breast is about, so maybe you can keep one special book or toy to use for this re-direction when whining sets in.

Also kids get whinny when they need more sleep.

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

kgranju — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:42:17 GMT

Hillary - I, too, tend to have a "zero tolerance" whining policy as a parent. And I also am a big believer in teaching the kids to recognize what they are really feeling, and then express those feelings in actual words, as opposed to whines.

It sounds like you are doing an awesome job.

And I also do think that sometimes toddlers and young preschoolers still can't actually pull themselves back together. They literally aren't capable yet. So they need mama (or other caregiver) to do a sort of "emotional swaddle" for a few minutes, where we physically hold them and help them calm down and regroup.

That's where nursing my other toddlers came in very handy. It was like toddler xanax when they were completely overwrought. But since C is not still nursing, we don't have that particular tool in the ol' parenting toolbox...

-Katie

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Hillary — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:32:43 GMT

I'm a first-time mom, so I'm winging it. My mom had zero tolerance for whining, and I'm finding that I'm similar. I can't stand it. My kiddo is 17 months old and just starting to get very verbal. When he starts whining, I tell him to use his words and ask, say please. If that doesn't work, I tell him he needs to take a moment and get himself together -- and we get his blanky and go to his little rocking chair. When he's calm, we try again.

I'm curious to see what everyone else does ...

re: My toddler's constant whining calls for a time-out...a parental time-out

Meg — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:14:00 GMT

Hear hear! I will second that glass of wine. With two (2 years and 10 months) And a two year old with a will like a bull I feel the need to go and make and bottle the wine myself. Hey thats a good time out!! Winemaking.