Knocked Up

Too right, Oz.

 I have a not-quite one-year-old and already I'm wondering about the state of daycares and preschools. Kids can God knows be irritating, but to actually say to a child that their parents don't pay enough to be held when they need it is awful. The simple fact is, kids want to be hugged, and held, and made to feel safe, and they go through clingy stages, and why we entrust our children to other people is because we expect teachers to understand that. Being snide towards a toddler who doesn't even know the meaning but gets the tone is shit behavior -  this, from someone who's partial-job description is to teach manners and kindness.  She should be reported.

I have so been there with our kid's daycare, which I genuinely love 99.9% of the time. There have been a few times though when we've had some discouraging days and have spoken up about it, and yes, it feels awkward to have to reprimand people who care for your children along with many other children all day long, a grueling job, at very little pay. But, you have to let them know your concerns or their behavior will continue, and even though you feel bad for doing so, the director should appreciate you voicing your concerns. As the parent, you have control over how your kid should and should not be talked to and no, it's not too much to ask that your son not be subjected to an atmosphere where teachers act bitterly toward him.

First of all, I think that day care centers should be subsidized by the goverment so that they don't cost as much as your mortgage and so the people who care for our children can be better paid and educated.

I don't know why she said what she said.  Some people just don't have that valve in their heads that keeps the ugly words from coming out.  My son is close to that age and he's quite heavy.  On heavy tantrum days my back aches.  And he will try to con you into carrying him around sometimes if he can.  But how much I'm paying has nothing to do with the reasons why he should walk instead of being carried.  I worked in a child care center when I was in college and how much the parents were paying never entered my mind in talking and dealing with the kids.  I'd mention it to the director.  You'll feel better and they need to know.

WOW. That is ugly, ugly, ugly. And it's an excellent idea to move Axel to a school where you feel he'll get his needs met without such resentment. I sympathize with childcare workers; I think it's one of the hardest, least respected jobs in the world. (Insert rant about need for federal subsidy here.) I understand they have a lot of very legitimate resentments about their crappy pay; but you just don't say that to a kid. And the wait-list situation can make things harder; in the first daycare I had my guy in, I felt like I couldn't complain about anything because it was always made clear to parents that there were eight zillion people happy to take our spots if we weren't happy there. The same situation is true of his new daycare, but the teachers are so kind and loving. I'm sure you'll find a good place for Axel. Heck, I'd pay YOU to let me lug him around....

Hi! Normally I'm a lurker, but this just gets under my skin.

As a former daycare worker who actually loved her kids, I can fully identify with the frustration of dealing with coworkers who were only there for the crappy paycheck. What outsiders don't realize is it makes our job more difficult to have to deal with the fallout these a**holes cause for us.

One coworker in particular caused nothing but trouble the entire time he was there. I cannot express how many times I had to console a child over his yelling and inappropriate behavior. Even worse, we actually had parents physically threaten him if he didn't lay off- we were not in the nicest part of town. The crowning moment was when during our last week, he grabbed a kid and dragged him inside, and proceeded to yell at a kid and make threatening advances toward him. Thankfully, that was the day I got him fired- with the unfortunate side effect that I was left shorthanded. People like that make the people who work at daycares because they love kids not only look bad, but it's impossible to express how much more difficult they can make an already taxing job- it's like having one less helping hand around and an extra, difficult child to take care of.

Sorry, I just can't help ranting about this subject. :)

I would say something to the director, which is very easy for me to say, considering I'm very non-confrontational. I would have been very upset. That's the sort of thing that makes me want to take my daughter out of daycare and never return. I know that most teachers aren't like that, but it just makes you feel so angry as a parent.

You are not overreacting and comments like that that go unchecked (because chances are the Director does not know what's going on) can often lead to disastrous consequences. I'm not trying to sound the alarms, but in a way I am. Regardless of whether she was having a bad day or not, that's no reason to talk to a BABY that way! I think there's a way to approach the subject with the Director in such a way that won't make you sound like a tattle tale and I wholeheartedly believe you should say something. Judging from your eloquent writing skills, I have no doubt that you can come up with something brilliant to say!

Yuck! I would definitely look into other options!!! We just pulled my daughter out of her day-care. In our case, it wasn't the teachers that were the problem...it was the owner. The teachers were fantastic but the owner was not paying them on time, bouncing checks, not with-holding taxes etc... such a nightmare! All 3 of my daughter's classroom teachers quit and we ended hiring one of them as a nanny. It is so expensive but she is worth every penny and I can't handle the thought of the whole NYC application and wait list process again!

Oz, I am so sorry!  I also am a former childcare worker - I worked in daycare for two years and as a private nanny for four, and never understood why people went into the profession if they didn't just genuinely enjoy kids! As many have mentioned already, it's certainly not the pay.

I will also say, and I am sure this will be unpopular, but it's just not possible to cater to the needs of every individual child at any given time in a group setting.  I worked with infants 6 months to 18 months and we were allowed to have a maximum of three babies per teacher.  That meant that if I only had three babies show up that day - guess what - I was the ONLY PERSON IN MY CLASSROOM.  There were many times I had to tell a crying 18 month old, I'm sorry, but I can't hold you because I am changing so-and-so's diaper, or getting your snacks ready, or whatever.  This was very frustrating to me, in the profession, because like many have mentioned above - children need to be held and loved and comforted when they are upset.  But it's just not physically possible to hold three crying 18-month-olds at one time.  Believe me, I tried!  

That being said, IMO there is a big difference between calmly explaining to a child why you can or cannot do x, y, or z and having a bitter, resentful attitude about it, like this teacher.  I would definitely say something to the director, especially considering her "don't pay enough" comment.  That's simply not appropriate to say to a baby.  I mean, seriously, what's the baby going to do about her pay?!

Oh, that would piss me right off.  I would say something to the director, and to the new director when s/he starts.  Because although you will be talking with your feet and taking your money elsewhere, the center should know why.

Wow, this hits me really personally. Just imagining that this would have been said to my child hurts tremendously. And I don't care if that kid was being difficult or whatever, the correct way to talk to him would have been to simply say "no, enough carrying, you're going to walk like a big boy now." As simple as that.

Like you said, I can't understand why someone would willingly go to work at a daycare unless they had some sort of a "calling", a superior level of patience and an undying love for kids, because no one will do it for the (perfectly well-known) measly paycheck.

I perfectly agree that those women are underpaid and underappreciated, even here in Quebec where we do have a government-subsidized system (7$ a day for outstanding quality), and we're they're unionized and earn about 15$ an hour. Her behavior was however unacceptable, and it scares me a great deal to think that my own child could one day have to deal with such a rotten apple.  

You should say something- there's no need to confront the worker directly or embarrass her but do speak up to the director, or if she's checked out, her assistant. I agree that some people don't have that "inappropriate words" shut off valve, but if that's this woman, she should learn to calm down quietly or stop working with kids. It's especially awful to employ sarcasm or edgy jokes with kids because they take everything *so literally*. This child is now utterly aware that his care-workers only 'care' for him because they are paid to, not because they like him or are interested in him as a person. How sad.

Earlier this year I decided not to place my daughter into the only preschool she was accepted to (we just moved and got into the wait-list game late) because I felt uncomfortable with the preschool's heavily religious philosophy. All I felt after making that decision was relief- even though she is now home with me so all my grad school work is done at night and we have one income. I just didn't want her there with them. Keep hunting til you find what makes your family happy- it's out there! Good luck.

Oz, I love your blog because I have a son just a few weeks younger than Axel so whatever you're writing about, we're always going through too. I'm de-lurking not just to say that the blog is great, but also to encourage you to say something to the director.  At the very least, something might go in a file on this person and then if there's another complaint, the next director can start to connect the dots and see that this person isn't really cut out for the job.

It's so hard to feel good about leaving your kid in daycare (for me, at least) and you need to feel like you really trust the people there.  I've got my son in a home daycare and that's been a good situation for us.  One of the things I like about it is that you're basically supporting a small businesswoman so she's not working for minimum wage for some one else.  She's working for herself and she controls her environment.  I'm not saying that means all home daycare providers are great, but that it might be another option you could look into until pre-school.

When I put my son into a daycare centre, I witnessed one of the daycare workers yelling at one of the smallest children (about a year old -- the year long mat leave in Canada means that daycares often start at that age) to stop crying. I was horrified. This was one of the best daycares in the city, by reputation, and I really didn't have many other better options, but I was concerned enough to delay my acceptance. I got up the nerve to talk to the director, who actually gave me an excellent response -- that she was aware of the problem with that one person, that they had spoken of it, that it was not their policy to do that, and that they were working on it. I am sympathetic to the childcare workers -- it must be hard to work in that environment, and hard to cope with a child you just can't console because they are new and missing their mom. And they aren't paid enough, even in my own union-based daycare, which is well paid by our city's standards.

Anyway, I did end up putting my child in the centre and have been 99% thrilled with it. But I am very glad I said something, because I think that it helped them address the problem more effectively. I haven't witnessed any untoward interactions at all, and my son is very happy at the daycare.

I hope you speak up. I think it would be helpful to the director -- and the other parents.

I hear where you're coming from. My daughter just started pre-school. This school has 2 pre-school classes. One with the nice teacher and one with the mean teacher. Both my husband and I have heard the mean teacher yell at the kids. At a Catholic school no less! Our daughter was originally put in mean teachers class and we had her moved right away. I find it hard to believe that this mean teacher is working in a pre-school setting. She always seems annoyed with the children. And I can't believe that the school would keep her around.

Oz-- I have a 23-month-old who has just started a toddler program at my older boy's Montessori school. It's been just wonderful! For the first several days I was asked to sit in on the class to make sure he was comfortable, and then spent several days in the hall just in case. This gave me lots of time to observe covertly what was going on, and I can only rave about the exceptional patience of these people. THere's no telling what's available in your area, but if you can find an AMI or AMS accredited toddler program (make sure it's accredited, there are lots of fakes out there), please give it a look!

Your sweet Axel deserves a wonderful place to be. (As do all kids!!)

I've been writing about my son's transition into being a (toddler) school boy:

http://catherine.blog-city.com

You don't want to feel like a tattle tale? Come on who's the adult here.  If that was your son sitting on the floor and another parent over heard someone speaking to your child that way, wouldn't you want that parent/or other teacher to report that person so that another child isn't treated in that manner?  

Honestly I can never understand why people are so afraid to speak up, yet can complain or react without explaining their reacts.  I would report that teacher in writing, and I would have also pulled them aside and told them in a calm manner that I'm not sure that they actually realize how out of line and harsh they were speaking to that child.  Who knows maybe that teacher would have woken up and realized that they were being a bully, and that hmmm other people are taking note of their actions.

i'm curious as to why you wrote "I assume that the director knows that this particular woman isn't the best or the brightest of her staff". maybe no one has reported her.

My girls both needed to be held a bit when they first started daycare. It's like they just needed to be anchored to someone -- up higher even so they could survey the area. For my oldest, these very understanding (verrrrrry underpaid) childcare workers did whatever it took. For my second (we had moved since the first), they had that "the less you hold the quicker they get used to it" philosophy and they'd let her just stand there and cry. She took to following one of the teachers around -- would wait outside the door while the worker went to the bathroom, that kind of thing (it was an in-home daycare). When I found that out, I told them it wasn't working out and moved on. No permanent scars, of course, but it feels sort of heartbreaking just to think about it.

Also, I hate, hate, hate doing it myself, but I think telling the director (checked-out though she may be) or even -- my fave -- writing a letter would be a good idea, you know, if you feel like it. Because you're right, if she's fine saying that in front of you, she's very likely saying more when she's alone with the kids and that's just gross.

PS: how sucky IS the daycare situation in this country anyway?

PLEASE rat this person out.  I'm sure no one comment from a parent will get her fired, but if there have been others, or if others follow, you will have done your part to improve the state of day care.  

I have to second the Montessori thing.  My daughter (almost 2) started a program in August and I could not be happier.  The teachers in her room are truly wonderful - they really respond to the children's needs in such a respectful way.  And my needs too!  They were so kind and helpful when I was a total basket case when my daughter had some separation anxiety in the beginning.  

Before this, I had my daughter in a small in-home daycare for about two weeks when she was just over a year old, and the caretaker basically told me what that teacher told the little boy - that she just couldn't hold my daughter all the time.  My daughter had some really, really bad separation anxiety at that point and was clingy, so I understood, but it still upset me a bit.  OK, more than a bit - and she was even trying to be polite about saying it.  

Montessori is awesome, but they actually have higher child to staff ratios than some other schools, just an FYI.  My two cents is find a Reggio Emilia school!  The best job of my life was working as an assistant teacher in the toddler room of a Reggio Emilia day care/pre-school.  The focus of a RE school is on experiencing things through all senses, having a child-directed learning process, and art & imaginary play.  Art is such a big part of the philosophy that most schools have (or strive to have) a separate art room, an atelier.

I also, at one point, had to alert the director that my co-teacher was doing a number of things that made me uncomfortable - nothing abusive or neglectful, just a few sexist comments that really didn't have a place in our school, and coming in late to work almost every day, and jetting out before clean-up had been finished.  That left me in the incredibly awkward position of explaining to parents that they couldn't leave their kid with me alone, and that they could either wait until she showed up, or wait until I could get a teacher from another room to come in with me.  I cried and cried over the note that I wrote to the director - I was just a student, my co-teacher was the official teacher, and I didn't know how to handle it.  There were no reprisals, but the teacher's feelings were hurt.  I had asked her to come in on time, but I couldn't enforce it, so I felt like I had to do something.  Maybe this teacher's co-teachers are having similar problems - when it's not a clear-cut case of harm, sometimes it's hard to know where to draw the line.  Especially if you know personal things (for example, my co-teacher's cat was really sick, she was recovering from a badly broken wrist from a horseback riding accident, and she was going to have to move out of her apartment) that seem to mitigate some of what's going on.  

It's so rough - I'm sorry you had that experience.  As if most parents weren't conflicted enough about leaving their kid at day care, then parents have to worry about this stuff, too.  As a parent now, I'm glad 19-year-old-me said something.  

My kid isn't in day care - and it's a struggle.  I have to work 40 hours a week from home and care for an 11 1/2 month old.  I literally have no life except work and kid.  But I also know I can't afford the kind of day care I want, so this is the choice I've made.  At least I know lots of songs.  And art projects.  And I've potty trained 20 kids, so there's that, too.  

God, sorry, that's a novel.  Oh, and here's a Wikipedia article about Reggio Emilia:  en.wikipedia.org/.../Reggio_Emilia_approach

Another one for Montessor here ... I was a Montessori kid myself, and my mother, my brother, an aunt and an uncle are all Montessori teachers! The toddler program is great, a lot of focus on developing their motor skills as well as sensory exploration. I bet Axel would love it!

Its sad that you overheard the teacher saying such awful things. True as it may have been (and certainly, as you said, the parents don't pay enough to have all-day attention on one child alone), no baby needs to hear it put in such a crass way. I would definitely speak up. While I imagine it's a rather mild offense in the world of child-care offenses, the center should care enough about it's reputation to, at the very least, have a word with the teacher, who will, perhaps, watch what she says from now on -- while parents are in earshot anyways!

I'm a teacher and a summer camp staff member, and I've been a supervisor in both environments.  I'm glad you decided to say something to the director.  Often, you know that a staff member isn't doing well - but you don't have the necessary details to have a truly meaningful conversation with him or her.  In other situations, hearing about such a situation can be the first time you hear of it - and that probably means that the staff member is so stressed that he or she is going "over the edge" and needs extra support.  When talking to the administrator, just "play the video" for him or her.  If you don't give your spin on what happened, try to explain the staffer's motivations, or make it about your kid the administration will be more likely to understand that this isn't a case of a "crazy parent".  Also, assume the best intentions on everyone's part.  "Hi so-and-so, I just wanted to let you know about an interaction I overheard while at the center that I thought you might want to know about.  Staffer so-and-so said blahblahblah to several toddlers.  I was surprised to hear that at this center, so I thought I'd pass the information on to you."

Well that was just wrong. She should never voice that kind of thought to a child, a BABY, even if she has had the worst day ever. We are very lucky to have the day care program opportunity we have. You are right, Axel should not have to deal with that woman. Good luck with your search for an alternative.

What this daycare teacher did was completely unacceptable.  All of us have bad days at work, but we don't take it out on others...especially not on innocents.  I think you should give a quick, succinct call to the director and to the OWNER/S, and then follow-up with a copy of this article.  It explains more powerfully than anything else (esp the last two paragraphs) how you feel and what you plan to do about it.  No reasonable person could avoid responding.  If you don't get a response, well then, you know what you need to do.