The conversations I dread most, the questions I don't want to ask, the things I'm afraid of saying - I'm reminded time and again that those are the things that I should be saying, the conversations I should be having. You guys were right. Even as I wrote about the nasty comment that I overheard, I knew that I had to talk to staff at Axel's childcare center about it. Whether we leave or whether we stay, that teacher is still spending the day with somebody's kids, and since I want to live in a world in which people help one another out and don't just stand by and watch as people do things they shouldn't, I had to say something.
It's often easier to stay silent. It would've been in this case - to keep my mouth shut and quickly withdraw from the situation. There are many reasons to remain silent, depending on the conversation or the question. I don't want to offend people. I want people to like me. Sometimes I want to keep on liking them, or keep a relationship in tact that wouldn't survive the airing of concerns. I want to keep things simple and avoid challenges that might come out of a discussion. But - at least for those who, like me, tend to mull things over instead of speak, would rather write than talk, forget to mention their plans for the day to their spouse because they're too wrapped up in their thoughts - speaking up is often the right thing to do. It clears things up. It forces us to deal with the problems in our relationships that we'd rather ignore, and prevents us from ending up in relationship limbo and then waking up five years from now and wondering why we're still having dinner with friends we don't really like or why we're still dating someone who doesn't want the same things we want. It gives others the chance to clear up our misconceptions, or to show us that our perceptions were, for better or worse, right on. It means we're really engaging in our schools and communities.
Speaking up is one of the many things I hope Axel can do better than I can. I hope he's less cautious than I am; I hope he's able to take risks and to speak his mind without second, third, and fourth-guessing himself for days. I hope he doesn't get shakey on his way to an event that requires mingling with a roomful of strangers. I hope he doesn't care quite so much what other people think. And if I want him to be better at these things than I am, I've got to take more risks myself.
I talked with Axel's teacher, and with the director of the daycare. While this was a small risk and an important thing to do, the potential for conflict really, really made me want to puke. Most days, I'd rather have a 10-lb baby without an epidural than knowingly pursue a potentially tense and angry conversation. I had to take many deep breaths and remind myself that I was being a total wimp and needed to open my mouth and tell Axel's teacher what I'd heard. I had to remind myself that anger isn't necessarily bad.
I had to remind myself - as stupid as this sounds - that I am now a parent and it's my job to be actively engaged in my child's school. That includes voicing criticism, no matter how lucky you feel to have actually gotten into a school and gotten an in-demand spot, not just wearing the ugly orange crossing guard vest or joining the PTA.
While I came away from talking with the director wondering if she'd really heard what I'd said, my conversation with Axel's lead teacher was reassuring. She was shocked about the comment, emphasized how important communication with parents is to her, and also told me about some changes in the works. I was glad that we talked, and I'm going to follow up again on Monday. The changes the lead teacher mentioned mean that I'm comfortable with Axel staying at his current childcare center until he's between a year and eighteen months - the age at which he could attend some of the other centers near us that seem to have potential.
The comment I overheard, well, it sucked. There are other reasons that are harder to articulate that add up to a sense that, though the teachers in Axel's room are caring and engaged and though I know he has good days at his center and enjoys it when he's there three days each week, it isn't quite the right fit for him, or for us. But I also don't have a better alternative. I don't know that I could find a temporary nanny (that we can afford) who would be better than the teachers he has now. I can't take an indefinite number of months off of work until we find the perfect center. I also don't feel confident that a perfect center exists, at least not one we can get Axel in. We already failed to get a spot in my favorite center's lottery. I guess I'll find out as I tour other centers. I'll be looking at them over the next month or two, trying to sort out the difference between all the different philosophies. I'm sure there are some valid differences, but I still keep coming back to the importance of the teachers themselves and the fit of a given school with Axel's personality.
