I have this sense that time is moving quickly, maybe even too quickly. Forces that seem beyond my control push and pull me through a blend and blur of days. I wakefeedchangedropoffworkpickupplayfeedchangesleep from one day to the next, feeling little sense of accomplishment but exhausted nonetheless.
While we do and go at breakneck speed, Ty changes before us, often in imperceptible ways. Friends and family, those who don't see him on a daily basis, are usually the first to point out differences in him. "His face is so different!", they say. "He's becoming such a little boy!" Yes, it is and yes, he is.
August 19th marked 10 months that Ty has been with us. The days, weeks and months before he arrived seem so far away. I remember when life was Juan, the dogs and I, but I have little sense of what it felt like - quieter and less tiring probably. Each time I try to recall memories of the Pre-Ty Era, he pops up in the scene like some weird Where's Waldo picture.
Summerstage @ Central Park NYC, 2005
National Brewery Building, 2006
When I pause and take a breather from the blendblur, I see how much Ty has changed over the 10 months. In those first few days back in October, he was very quiet. His cry, if you could call it that, was wimpy, almost a mousey squeak. Ty slept a lot more than we expected, and there were times when we had to wake him up just to make sure he ate and put some pounds on his tiny body.
I was surprised at how easily he started to fit in, like we had all known each other for a long time. I had expected more drama and chaos. Juan might have a different perspective on that. Of the six weeks in total that we stayed home before Ty started daycare, Juan was home for four of them. I don't remember coming home and finding the house turned on its head, so I'm guessing things weren't too crazy.
October through January were months of firsts for Ty and for us as dads. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Ty's birthday all happened in rapid succession. It felt a little strange to have his 1 year birthday come around so quickly, but the timing was good. For all we knew, those days could have have been our only opportunities to spend some special moments with him.
By Spring, it seemed like we were all in a groove. Ty wasn't much for leaving our sides and luckily, he was still carry-along size, making it somewhat easy to do the things we enjoy.
The newest iteration of Ty - Toddler Ty - burst on the scene with little warning. For the past 2 weeks or so, he has been a walking test of patience and perseverance.
One moment he can be all smiles and giggles and sweet as toddler pie and in another moment, he can transform into our own little tazmanian devil, whirling, swirling, snarling and rasberrying through the house as though his life depended on it. His energy is astonishing at times and absolutely draining at others. He wants to do and touch everything while steadfastly refusing to do anything we ask. The cute, endearing sounds of "Da-deee!" have been replaced by "No Noooo Nooooooo!"
My grand plan for being The Best Dad Ever is often foiled by to-do lists, distractions and the ever important need to make money. I'm prone to moments when I feel like I need to do it all and I'm trying to let that go. I need to get off the fasttrack more often, but I can't quite figure out how. It's too easy to get caught up in the process - the wakefeedchangedropoffworkpickupplayfeedchangesleep thing that I'm sure many other parents experience as well.
And as the days slip by - as we grow closer still - the chance of adopting Ty moves further out of reach. We now know that our time with him will come to an end, though no one can tell us how soon that will be. Cliche as it sounds, time has become even more precious. The days are weighed down by a mixture of inevitability, uncertainty and sadness but still, despite the heavy load, time continues to move on at that breakneck speed - pushing, pulling, leaping and crashing towards some destination that we can not see.
-- D
