Political Nanny : republicans

Bipartisan Dog House: Treats for Conservative, Liberal Pets

Madeline Holler — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 10:17:00 GMT

There you are, pumping your fists at footage from an Obama rally on YouTube, tears gathering in your eyes as you mouth "yes, we can!" Your dog, though -- your best damn friend! -- won't stop slobbering all over himself as he barks "the surge is working, the surge is working!"

You sleep in the same bed, you and your conservative pooch. Yet yours is a house divided.

Reach across the aisle and give your four-legged, small government, flat-tax, butt-sniffing Karl Rover a hand-out. Petlane makes tasty peanut butter-flavored biscuits that come in the shape of any conservative canine's favorite political beast -- an Elephant.

Wait, what did you just say? You're giving comfort to some Bobo, tax-and-spend, weak on defense, baby killing mutt? Well, she's sitting there with her paw out (as usual!). Better give her Petlane's donkey treats, which she'll love just as much as she loves taking away your right to keep and bear arms.

Not sure of your pet's political leanings? The maker of these bipartisan dog biscuits has a list of the signs.

Republican Pets

• They bark at passing neighbors and traffic; home security is very important to them.

• Their ears perk up when Fox News comes on.

• They are a big spender at the local pet store.

• Strongly believe pet matrimony should occur only between two cats or two dogs.

• Believe in the second-amendment right to bare teeth and claws.

• Are for electric border fences around the yard.

• Want national ID tags for all pets.

• They advocate for the pet-tracking chip -- you can never have too much surveillance.

Democratic pets

• They want universal veterinary care for all.

• They want their treats for free.

• They socialize with all breeds at the dog park.

• They prefer their owner uses biodegradable poop bags.

• Are very concerned with the rising cost of pet food.

• Have the young puppy and kitten vote locked.

• Want to end the war of dogs vs. cats once and for all.

• Think of Ralph Nader as the dog catcher.

Photo: Petlane.com

Be Mine: Partisan Valentines

Madeline Holler — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 22:37:00 GMT

Only one day left to show that you love your dearest Democrat or Republican as much as politics. Will roses do the trick? Of course they won't. But one of these partisan Valentines just might.

You love healthcare. You hate war. You want change. You need something besides politics and passion as usual. What you want is to Barack that certain someone's world.

Your support for Hillary doesn't waver with the lastest exit polls. Your love for her -- and for your own first lady -- is heartfelt. Tell her in heart and felt. (If you're hearting Huckabee, or behaving like a lovesick fool around John McCain, don't worry. These hearts are fickle. You can get them in Republicans' names too.)

God damned liberals, you say! No don't say that, say this:

Or for all the knee-jerk conservatives/romantics there's this:

Or perhaps you're ready to reach across the aisle, in which case you'll want to join in with Hillary Clinton and send your registered sweetheart this:

Check out the rest at GOP.com. [Thanks, Brian, over at DailyScanner for the tip!]

Too late to send anything? Dim the lights, fire up the laptop and watch this political valentine montage from Politichill.

Mighty Heartin' Huckabee

Madeline Holler — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:31:00 GMT

How is it that Mike Huckabee continues to enchant voters and carry whole states in these primary elections and caucuses? It can't just be his freaky ideas about Jesusing-up the Constitution. Can it?

Political Nanny thinks it has everything thing to do with the guy's persona, speaking style and ability to sound completely plugged in and relevant. The crazy talk gets lost in the one-liners. From The Caucus, the NYTimes political blog, we get these gems from a Chesapeake primary day breakfast with journalists:

On running for the United States Senate if this presidential thing doesn’t work out: “It’s more likely I’ll dye my hair green, get a bunch of tattoos and go on tour with Amy Winehouse.” He said "Amy Winehouse"! Does McCain know about Amy Winehouse?

On the recent flood of endorsements of Mr. McCain, now that he is close to securing the nomination: “What are these people saying – that they were for him all along but just forgot to tell him?” Ouch!

On why Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton seems to be struggling right now: “She does not have the personality of her husband. Very few people do.” See, he sounds completely reasonable -- not at all mean.

On why he stays in the race, despite the long political and mathematical odds: “The path to victory is a complicated one for me. The path to defeat is easy – I could just quit.” Thanks coach. Let's hit the showers!

Come on. Don't you heart Huckabee just a little? Maybe ... this much?

Rock Star to McCain: Quit Playing My Songs

Madeline Holler — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 18:12:00 GMT

Rock 'n' roller John Mellencamp told John McCain to unplug the "Pink Houses" and find his own damn songs. Well, not exactly. But probably pretty close.

Indiana's most famous native son, a lifelong Democrat, said he didn't want the Republican presidential frontrunner to use "Pink Houses" and "Our Country" at his campaign events anymore. The rocker said that he was distressed to hear the popular songs about a decaying American landscape were being played without his permission at McCain's big rallies. Mellencamp producers have asked that the songs no longer be used.

But you can't have a rally without music. McCain's Beach Boys performance back-fired, so to speak. What's left for the GOP candidates when you take away social commentary rock? Morrissey?

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe: Super Tuesday Super Quiz

Madeline Holler — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 21:34:00 GMT

So who's it going to be? You have just about 24 hours, you citizens of Super Tuesday states. Haven't you made up your mind?

Political Nanny understands. We're all a little shell-shocked from the past seven years under Bush. We want to choose carefully. She's here to help.

Take these online quizzes and see if you get consistent results:

This one asks 17 policy questions and spits out a clear answer.

The ghosts of Kucinich and Giuliani (and the other dropouts) provide a haunting look at what could have been. Watch candidate rankings rise and fall after each question is answered.

Here, you get to pick a strategy and then rank the importance of the issue using a slidebar. It takes some work, but you get a result to take to the voting booth.

This one looks at individual rights, parents issues, and international relations. You can also take a quiz on your political philosophy. Should we plug in candidate statements and see who truly inherits the Reagan label?

Want to know which way your state is leaning for either party? Check out these maps.

Graphic: WTOC11

Who Loves You, Campaign Baby? (Rambo, Porn Stars and Writers, That's Who)

Madeline Holler — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 14:23:00 GMT

Running for president is not a popularity contest. Oh, wait, it is! And just like high school this competition hinges on the backing of other popular kids. This year's election has been a veritable Endorsement Bonanza. Everybody is getting in on it, no matter what their relevance levels, which for most, in Political Nanny's estimation, peaked somewhere between 1983-1989.

So for every Maya Angelou that steps up to stump for Hillary Clinton, there's a Toni Morrison who thinks you should vote for Barack Obama. Mike Huckabee's campaign took off after Chuck Norris promised to kick campaign butt. Now Hulk Hogan is throwing his weight around to encourage support for Obama. Rounding out the Aging Muscle-Man endorsements is Ric Flair, also for Huckabee, and Sylvester Stallone, a McCain man, naturally (this endorsement suspiciously coincided with the release of Stallone's latest Rambo movie).

This year's backers come in all shapes, sizes and professions. Here are a few more:

Vampirist Anne Rice and barrister-cum-crime-novelist John Grisham heart Clinton.

Porn star and writer of "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star" Jenna Jameson would like to tell you how to vote like a porn star -- casting a ballot for Hillary Clinton. She has her reasons. Of course, Porn Stars are not a monolith. Savanna Samson wanted to toss her lot to Rudy Giuliani, but his campaign climaxed prematurely and made a huge mess. Equally deflated is King of Porn, Hustler's Larry Flynt, who made his sweet love for Dennis Kucinich well known. Now, all Flynt has left are a few good memories of what might have been.

There was, of course, the Grande Dame of endorsers -- Oprah for Obama. Here are some other celebrity endorsements (a couple of which are even 21st-Century relevant)

Kevin Bacon - John Edwards
Donnie and Marie Osmond - Mitt Romney (Political Nanny KNEW he'd have someone!)
Lance Armstrong - John Edwards
John Mayer - Ron Paul (that body of thought is a wonderland)
Jeff Gordon - Rudy Giuliani
Bo Derek - Rudy Giuliani (eh. 7.5)
50 Cent - Hillary Clinton (word?)
Adam Sandler - Rudy Giuliani
Martha Stewart - Hillary Clinton (you OK with that, Hillary?)
George Clooney - Barack Obama (double swoon)
Harry Belafonte - John Edwards (daylight come and he went home ...)
Wilford Brimley - John McCain (dinosaurs, unite!)
Scarlett Johansson - Barack Obama

You're relevant to Political Nanny no matter when you peaked. Whose endorsement are you endorsing? Whose endorsement do you find stunning?

Thanks to BuzzFeed

Primary's Baby: N.H. Girl Stalks the Candidates

Madeline Holler — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 17:47:00 GMT

You can tell a lot about a presidential candidate by the way s/he holds a baby. OK, not really. But we're going to deeply analyze it anyway. Why? Because it's fun, because it's naughty, because Political Nanny wishes SHE would have thought of doing what this forward-thinking and shameless contributor to Slate has done.

Darren Garnick, a New Hampshire resident, hauled his five-week-old daughter Dahlia to campaign events around his home state, handing her over to candidates and capturing the moment in a stillshot. The results? Fabulous! The slide show is at once a marvelous demonstration of parenting at its least protective and political coverage at its weakest. In other words, refreshing!

First up is Barack Obama, who winds up holding Dahlia on two different occasions -- the first time in a sweet (and completely competent) traditional infant cradle hold, the second time while Dahlia wears a "Black Power" bib at a rally. Let's look at the cradle hold: Obama is clearly a man who put in the hours with his own kids. He's got two, but they're young and there's not a lot of distance between daily baby-holding and this picture. (We need to keep that in mind when we look at the pics of some campaign trail parents whose own days of second-nature infant handling (the floppy necks!) are decades behind them.) At the rally, Garnick reports that Obama kissed Dahlia's forehead (melt) and then held her up for cheers.

Next up, Rudy Giuliani is stuck with the screeching girl in a fleece pumpkin costume. He looks like he's going to drop her, but he hangs on tight. He was at a disadvantage -- how do you securely snuggle with a squirmy winter vegetable? Let's not judge Rudy too harshly.

Then there's John McCain, who launches the beginning of a curious trend in the baby holds: he's circled his thumb and four fingers around one of Dahlia's legs. Political Nanny doesn't recall doing this with her babes. Perhaps it's an older generation male thing? Because Edwards, Kucinich and (look closely) Romney are doing it too. Political Nanny is not saying it's harmful, just curious. Did they learn this in a Kissing the Baby workshop at Let's Play President summer camp?

What you really want to know, though, is something about Hillary Clinton's baby snuggling chops. Well, hold your "cold-heart" comments, she does just fine with Dahlia, who gazes right into the mother-of-one's eyes. Sure, there's a bit of stiffness in the hold, but Hillary's kid is pushing 30. Maybe it's been awhile. Please note, however, that Hillary is doing that protective palm-around-the-shoulders upper hand thing, which Political Nanny always appreciates when strangers hold her little ones.

In addition to the leg-grip, Mitt Romney does the fingers-around-the-neck upright baby display so competently, he'd make any OB/Gyn proud (except maybe Ron Paul). Garnick notes that the picture, which includes Romney's wife, looks like the New Hampshire father is giving up Dahlia for adoption to a rich white couple. Agreed!

Finally, we see Huckabee and Chuck Norris in a horizontal split-screen shot. Huckabee's doing the hands-under-armpits-with-dangling legs hold (baby facing outward), while Chuck Norris has turned his arm into a seat, allowing Dahlia to rest against his chest. He lays a hand -- it's a registered weapon! -- protectively against her chest. Well done, Chuck, well done!

Garnick didn't get Dahlia into the arms of Fred Thompson (who didn't do much in New Hampshire) or Duncan Hunter (what a relief!) or Ron Paul (coulda shown Mitt a thing or two). And he admits Mike Gravel freaks him out, so he didn't stand a chance. But Political Nanny is grateful for the slideshow and its insight. How will the candidates handle Iraq? Who cares! How are they going to cuddle the nation?

Photo: Slate.com

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe: Iowans Couldn't Decide for Dems Either

Madeline Holler — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 19:18:00 GMT

Well, Republicans, you have a clear winner in Iowa. Democrats? Um, not so much. Sure, it's been called for Obama. But look at the numbers -- the difference isn't so great.

So if you were counting on Iowans to pare down the crowd, unless you were waiting for them to hand you Chris Dodd (which they didn't), you still have to make up your own mind. (And isn't that how it should be? Are you getting impatient for your state's primaries?)

For those who are still undecided and unwilling to follow a tiny percent of Iowans in how you cast you vote, Political Nanny has found another candidate quiz, this one from Minnesota Public Radio. Here, you pick issues that are important to you and how much. Hey, it's something to do on a slow, cold Friday at work.

Iowans Play Favorites. Political Nanny Still Doesn't

Madeline Holler — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 05:34:00 GMT

Well, that was that. The candidates stepped out and tested the cold, cold waters of voter approval last night in Iowa. Political Nanny stood at the side, waiting with towels and hot drinks and, for some, a soft hankie to cry in.

Her boys Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama swam confidently to shore, winning their parties' races by about 9 percentage points each. Obama won most of the female vote and most of the younger voters' support too.

Her tough fighters Hillary Clinton and John Edwards, and recently challenged Mitt Romney, flapped their arms and gasped and fought their way to finish in respectable positions and not terribly far behind the winners. Each of them vowed to continue fighting. Each of them is ready to regroup and start again. In five days. Whew!

But quite a few of Political Nanny's babes sank to the bottom. Fred Thompson, John McCain, and Ron Paul made it to the double digits. Joe Biden, Rudy Giuliani and Bill Richardson, and especially Duncan Hunter and Chris Dodd, wellllll, they did their best. But it wasn't great. In fact, Political Nanny will spend the day packing up Chris's bag, gathering his toys, taking down his pretty pictures, and telling him good-bye. He has decided he won't be needing Political Nanny's care any longer. His little friend Joe Biden -- God, remember how hard it was to tell them apart? -- is leaving Political Nanny too.

Down to 13 monkeys jumping on the bed. Time to pack for New Hampshire.

Photo: MSNBC.com

Guess Who Ralph Nader Just Endorsed!

Madeline Holler — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:33:00 GMT

Who cares what the governor of New Hampshire thinks, right? Or the editor of Iowa's largest daily. Or, sorry to say, Sean Penn. Political Nanny listens to Political Nanny when it comes to who she'll vote for in the primaries.

Endorsements, with a couple of exceptions, just haven't been that interesting. Until now ...

Public citizen, consumer advocate, sometimes presidential candidate, one-time election spoiler, and Babble "Timeout" subject Ralph Nader made an endorsement, just in time for the Iowa caucuses. He's throwing his support to John Edwards.

We're no experts, so who knows whether Ralph is a good or bad playmate for John. But Political Nanny adores Ralph and respects his opinion. His support feels like a gut-check: she's long suspected John really means what he says and contrarians like Ralph are the first to smell the BS, yet he thinks John, for the most part, is the real deal.

From Politico:

Nader said he has watched Edwards from afar and sees his more pugilistic brand of populism as a "glimmer of hope."

"It's the only time I've heard a Democrat talk that way in a long time," Nader said, acknowledging what was, for him, a rare moment of praise for a Democratic leader.

"Iowa should decide which candidate stands for us," he added. "Edwards is at least highlighting day after day that the issue is who controls our country, big business or the people."

Not the most unflinching of endorsements -- indeed, he's used the endorsement mostly as a way to criticize Hillary for being too Republican. But what's notable is that it's not himself that he's endorsing. Can we assume he won't be making a bid? Or does that depend on whether John Edwards gets the Democratic nomination?

In any case, Political Nanny is excited that Ralph Nader has come out to play.

Candidates, Political Nanny Loves You. Now Change!

Madeline Holler — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Over the past three months, Political Nanny has grown to love her lot of disagreeable, argumentative, name-calling, cackling, power-praying little presidential candidates. They're approaching the first of many back-to-back primary election milestones -- only three days until Iowa! -- but have already blossomed into tough and sturdy and, how shall we put this, flexible campaigners.

But could they be better? Oh, couldn't we all. In the spirit of starting anew, Political Nanny has made some resolutions for the campaigning men and woman of 2008.

Over at the Democrats' favorite playground ...

Barack Obama: resolve to inspire (again … and, alone!). What happened to the guy who swept us all off of our feet nearly four years ago? This sparkling source of hope has gotten dull from so much positioning and polling and over-wrought handling. Get back to the basics -- make change feel possible! Make it feel inevitable! If the old caucusing biddies in Iowa (or New Hampshire or South Carolina) weren’t going to vote for you months ago, they’re not going to vote for you now. Indeed, one person can change the world. We just don't want Oprah to think it's her!

Hillary Clinton: tear down that wall! This distance you keep from the voting public reminds us of a certain guy president and no, we’re especially not talking about your husband! So let us in. Let us ask questions – any question! Not pre-approved ones! Trust us! We’ll do the right thing! Trust yourself! You've got the answers!

Joe Biden: Keep on keeping on. You know everything, you really do. You probably even know you don’t have a chance to win. But the candidates need you – America needs you. In government and in this campaign. You turn meta-answers into concrete plans, Joe. You say what we need to hear, not what we want to hear.

Chris Dodd: Be (even more) like Joe. With two of you, oh, how the front-runners won’t get away with pandering to the polls!

John Edwards: John, sweetheart, listen. You have got to expand your message to the middle and upper middle class (who look more like the lower- and middle-class you're talking about, everyday). Here's the deal: the mortgage industry is handing you talking points for these people who, to be honest, you might sorta be alienanting with your anti-corporate talk (you see, that’s where they work!). But with housing, ohhhhh, housing. Just bring up housing, foreclosures, bubbles, all of it -- and they’re listening. They're listening to you.

Bill Richardson: Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the vice presidential stars.

Dennis Kucinich: Don’t go changing to try to please Political Nanny. She loves you just the way you are.

Mike Gravel: Come here and give Political Nanny a hug, you silly guy.

Now back at Camp GOP ...

Rudy Giuliani: Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. So much to love. So much to loathe. Political Nanny would like you to be your own guy. She knows that Republicans often get bullied by big scary Christians who claim to be friends. But would real friends ask you to be someone you’re not?

John McCain: Resolve to stay tough. And be strong. You keep hope alive for conservatives who don't necessarily think the church and state are one and the same. Oh, and next time a supporter mentions The Bitch, show some sac, dear John, and don't be so quick to laugh.

Mike Huckabee: Michael! That's enough! You, my boy, are a man of faith. But you must also resolve to be a man of respect. If all you have to offer Americans are platitudes and religious references, please reconsider your leadership goals and run for president of the Southern Baptists. Because Political Nanny likes her America inclusive, cohesive and as plural as it can get.

Fred Thompson: Sit down, honey, let’s talk. Political Nanny thinks you don’t actually want to run for president. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. No shame in “spending time with the family.” So, whenever you’re ready to call it quits, know that millions of others are ready for it too.

Duncan Hunter: Still more are ready to see you go, Duncan. So, Political Nanny would like to see even less of you in the new year, young man. You can use the extra down time for painting murals on your very special wall.

Mitt Romney: Political Nanny thinks you’re a good boy, Mitt, she really does. But you want your buddies to like you so much that you’ve changed your mind, mainly by closing it. You say such damaging things to millions of families in the U.S. and completely dismiss millions of others. Political Nanny wants to see you be the truest, most honest version of yourself in 2008.

Ron Paul: You're doing something right, Ron Paul. Look at all those people giving you money! But that doesn't make you perfect, not by any means. In the new year, Political Nanny would like you to work on (1) living in reality, (2) increasing your dosage of paranoia-tempering thorazine and (3) smiling.

And last but not least, a New Year's resolution for her GOP debate interloper and possible candidate (please, please, please) Alan Keyes: Just. Do. It.

Happy New Year, kids! And Happy New Year, voters! Let's resolve to get together everyday for a little election downtime with Political Nanny!

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe: Undecided Iowans, You're Welcome (Now Vote!)

Madeline Holler — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 11:49:00 GMT

Incredibly (or maybe not), Iowa voters from both parties are still mostly undecided. (So is Political Nanny, but she's not voting NEXT WEEK!)

So for her Iowa readers, and those in New Hampshire and South Carolina who are also scratching their heads, a simple yet thorough quiz that promises to match you with a suitable candidate. Your only job is to show up at the caucus and be counted. (Or, further east, wait your turn for a voting machine.)

But make up your mind, already! And for goodness sake, go caucus or vote. Your silly states fought hard for this early voting privilege and the rest of us are dying to know who you like and just how much.

Raise Your Hand If You Have a Question

Madeline Holler — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 11:19:00 GMT

Did you hate the CNN/YouTube debate questions waaaaay back in November? Political Nanny did too. Now, tell the truth … did you submit any questions? No, Political Nanny didn’t either. We have only ourselves (and CNN producers, ahem!) to blame.

But there's another chance to get your question about the mortgage crisis or the economy or the details of universal pre-Kindergarten or how universal healthcare works for part-timer workers (or unmarried partners) or how the hell you're going to put a kid through college or how we're going to prevent crime, improve schools, create affordable housing all while bringing the earth's temperature back down to where polar ice caps stop melting at alarming rates -- all that, any of that, more than that! We have another chance to ask! And you won’t even have to comb your hair! You can submit your questions online here. And you can ask either party (or both, as Political Nanny intends to).

A handful of these questions will be picked and asked during the Politico.com debates, which air live on CNN, and stream live on latimes.com (thanks, LA Times). Republicans debate Wednesday, Jan. 30; Democrats debate Thursday, Jan. 31.

Remember, there's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid presidential debate producers.