Straight From the Bottle

For some reason women seem to really take their position on this personally.

My opinion, for what it is worth (read: not much) is that a party or luncheon or tea or roller derby for an expectant mother is always a great idea (the legal department asks me to say that pregnant ladies should not roller skate competitively). Being pregnant is hard EVERY time and it's nice to be pampered for a day. That said, I think I would have to insist on a "no gifts" policy for subsequent showers/parties. I would feel a little bit like I was asking my friends to seriously help pay for my baby rather than give me gifts that help me over the threshold of motherhood for the first time. That said, you know some people will insist on giving you gifts no matter what you say, and that's lovely too.

I only have one child, but I've been married twice. I was very uncomfortable with the thought of people giving me wedding gifts AGAIN and was pretty emphatic that their presence at the ceremony and party was all I needed to be a happy "been there" bride. That felt most comfortable to me.

I was thinking do a "diaper party"...? Where people bring diapers instead of gifts?  If they remember to?

What do you think of a theme-shower. Like 80's Hair Metal Baby Shower! or "Dress like your favorite pregnant celebrity!" baby shower... I kind of feel like, with a second kid all rules go out the window (not that I really had parenting rules the first time around, ahem...)

I think maybe my issue is that I'm uncomfortable with showers in general. I love going to them but feel very "uh.... hi. awkward" when they're for me. Hence the theme idea! Themes make everything less awkward.  

I love the idea of the theme parties you mentioned. I'd just be careful to make sure my guests knew it was an "80s hair metal baby shower" specifically. Because normally that is not what "theme shower" conjures. I picture swathes of toilet paper outfits and shudder. But your party ideas sound fun and I'd definitely go.

You could make it like a rave and require people to show up with a package of diapers as their secret passkey instead of a raw egg or whatever lame thing the kids are using these days.

Ha! You're awesome, Jillian.

I say, go for it, rock the theme, veto gifts (I think that some people will bring one anway, because hello buying gifts for babies is fun!)  but if your friend wants to do it then why not, enjoy one last silly get together before you dive back into new mommyhood ;)

buying tiny things is fun, for girls especially.  baby showers justify those purchases for us nonbreeders. indulge us and get some mini swag in the process.

also, how is lightasafeather not a baby shower staple??? its freakin genius!

You are joking aren't you??? Or just in denial about the whole premise, yes? If it's a "Baby Shower" people will feel obliged to bring a gift. Even if you state "no gifts please" - it causes even more confusion and embarrassment because there are always some who DO bring gifts, regardless of instruction or occasion even, which inevitably causes embarrassment for those that follow the instruction and DON'T bring a gift.

A Baby Shower the second time around is just grabby, grabby, grabby. IMHO, it's right up there with those incredibly tacky "wishing well" wedding registry things where you can choose to give someone money cause they've "already got everything".

Why don't you let him throw a party for you, but don't call it a shower?  That makes the whole gifts issue a lot less, I think.  Because I think a party is what you really want anyway.  Don't use the word "shower" anywhere near any guest, invitation, evite, whatever, and I think people would be less pressured to bring gifts (I don't even think I would put "no gifts" on the evite or whatever, because no one brings gifts for a plain party).  And strictly instruct Uncle Frank that if people start asking, "So, yeah, clearly it's an 80s hair metal party for Bec and the new baby, but is it a SHOWER??" that he is to answer in no uncertain terms that it most certainly is NOT a shower.  

I bet you'd have some people who bring gifts, but I bet not nearly as many.  Also, if you didn't make the gifts a huge deal at the party, like no special table, surprise at the door when someone brings something, etc., that would lessen any non-gift-bringers' discomfort about not having brought a gift.

Is our economy not almost completely driven by shopping? I'm sure I've also heard it said that we should all shop or the terrorists will have won. ... Having a shower is your civic duty.

Seriously, let them have a shower for you. You're having a girl and will need girl things. Also? People LOVE baby things, and we baby lovers don't get enough chances to buy them.

I feel that if a great friend wants to throw you a fabulous party to celebrate, go for it.  Friends are not going to think a shower is tacky, they want to celebrate a new baby as much as you do.  I think the diaper shower is a great idea!

Well, a shower is not about gifts, ultimately. It's about celebrating the new life of your baby. I don't think there is anything tacky about it at all, especially since you are having a completely DIFFERENT SEX. Do it in whatever style makes you happy and your friends offer to do. For my second we had a diaper shower and that was oh-so-helpful. For my third my best friend had a "mommy shower" which was all about chilling out considering it would be my third child in under 3.5 years! We did spa treatments, ate yummy foods and talked all things baby. Enjoy yourself. 'Nuf said.

I say no shower IF you are having a baby of the same sex as a child already at home.  SInce you are having a girl.....I say PARTY ON!  

T'would be fun to have an online shower......eh?  Have Frank set up a PO BOX and let all of us shower you from afar!

I have to say I'm in the tacky, grabby camp.

BUT, that being said, I also think it would be rude to not let your friend do something nice for you. And the reality is that you're having a girl, which means your friends and family are all likely to go a little crazy buying adorable girl clothes for you.

I think what I would do is allow Frank to have the party for you, but not put any stipulations on gifts at all. Just don't mention it. No themes, no diaper demands, no registry -- just a nice day with your friends.

I had a shower (3 to be exact) for my second baby. I wanted to enforce a strict no gifts policy but my girlfriends wouldn't hear of it. It was actually better the second time around because everyone had a better idea of what to do! I was the only one of my friends pregnant at the time of my first!

I don't think it's tacky at all. It can be a good time and hello?! Baby girl stuff rocks!

I got a surprise second shower with baby #2.  It was a second boy, so I didn't need much, and I wouldn't have asked for it... but I have to say it was rather awesome to get some "new" stuff for the second kid.  (Otherwise he would have had nothing but hand-me-downs).  Also, the gifts were heavy on the consumables: diapers, baby wash, pacifiers, etc.

Especially having a baby of a different gender this time, you really WILL need a lot of stuff.  I think it's ALWAYS tacky to ASK for a shower, but equally tacky to turn one down when someone wants to do something nice for you.  Let your friends throw you the shower, tell Frank to spread the word that if they insist on gifts, all you really need are girl clothes and plenty of diapers.  Gift cards are also great, since you can use them to buy whatever you may need along the way. Oh, and of course there are also gift certificates for a day at the spa.  Always a winner.

Every baby should be celebrated; more importantly, your friends should be allowed to celebrate you (and your baby) whenever they are so inclined.  It's social grace to let them; like knowing how to properly accept a compliment.

I'm pregnant with my second, five years after my first. It's my husband's first child, and I think his family would crucify me if I didn't let them throw a shower. As for me, there was never any doubt in my mind that I'd have a second shower, since all my baby stuff is LONG donated or trashed.

It's all about personal preference. If you really think it's tacky, don't do it. If you want a party, have a party. If you want presents, say "Bring me presents, bitch!" I strongly believe just as there's no solid set of rules or etiquette for parenting, there's no set in stone etiquette to follow for pregnancy and its various accouterments.

Either way, have fun!

I say shower on!  It is true that you already have a son but most of his baby stuff is probably gone by now, right?  I think the idea of getting friends together to celebrate the new baby is a great idea.  I'm pregnant with my first and the whole idea of a shower kind of sickened me, you know the whole crazy consumerist thing but I asked all my friends and family to bring second hand stuff and hand made stuff.  They seem to be enjoying hunting around and making things.  Also, we are having it a bar so my non-pregnant, non-kid having friends can drink and play games.  Have fun with it and make up non-traditional games, it will be great!

I love the idea of a party of a get-together but I would feel embarassed if anyone felt compelled to bring gifts (and no matter what you say or do, deep down people will feel compelled to bring gifts) because there are so many truly, truly needy people...

I have a friend who recently had a shower for her third, but it was more of a 'hang out and celebrate' thing rather than a 'let's take 4 hours to open all these gifts' thing.   She specifically asked for diapers only, and as far as I know, that's what she got!  Also, it was really intimate- just her closest, closest friends and some family.  And I thought it was PERFECT.

I'm wondering what I'll do this time around, because with Ezra I lived in an entirely different state, and that was almost 4 years ago.  Thanks for bringing this up- I will be following the comments here carefully! :)

I should just preface this by saying I grew up in the South and we typically seize any opportunity to get a bunch of women together, put dresses on and sit around chitchatting and drinking in the middle of the day...that being said, I have a ginormous family and we throw a shower for EVERY SINGLE BABY THAT IS BORN.  Even when my cousin had her fifth, yes, her fifth.  We sort of look at it as a way to celebrate the birth and pregnancy and all that jazz, and I think it's pretty cool.  If you feel weird about the gifts, just tell people "no gifts" and don't be surprised when they bring them anyway...

i had twins first and got tons of loot.  everyone knew this and i didn't get shower the second time.  i didn't particularly care to have one.  i'm pregnant for a third time and don't have any plans for a shower.  i had girls first, then a boy, so i have clothes out the wazoo.  if you do go with a shower, i say a theme idea is great.  you could do a clothes-horse shower since you love clothes and hope to pass this on to your little lady and you don't have any baby clothes.

There's just too much thought in this kind of thing. If you have the party and really don't want gifts just note on the invite that you will be giving all gifts to charity.

Go for it. If anyone is offended, they can just NOT COME.

TOTALLY cute maternity top, btw. You look fab.

I did not have a shower for my second child, the first two both girls, my friends did throw me a fun, chill shower for my third a boy, he was a surprize I planned on only ever having two, and all of my baby stuff was gone so it was totally awesome of my peeps, we hung out ate alot, they drank champagne and sangria, it was a excuse for a get together.  If your friend really wants to do this for you, and you compfy with it, you should let him.  Have fun, he cares about you your fam and wants to show it      

We should always celebrate pregnancy in some way! There's nothing wrong with having one, just call it a "blessingway" and request no gifts. I always get a little something for my good friends second and third children anyway, and family always will too.

My work through me a shower for my 2nd pregnancy, but I figured they did that since I wasn't there for my 1st?? My family never has showers for babies, other than the 1st, except if there's huge gaps in their ages, like 10 years.

Google blessingway. It's so nice! My girlfriends had one for me for my 3rd (and last). So sweet!

Good luck! If all else fails, claim ignorance and let your friends plan it without you! :)

It's true that I've never been to a second baby shower.. But why not, and come on with the no-gifts policy, I mean people around you will bring gifts for the baby when she's born anyway, right? The arrival of every baby should be celebrated, it's not your daughter's fault that she came in second. I say the hell with "appropriateness"...

I've been briefly married before (childless union though) and I'm now engaged to marry the father of my child. Sc**w the people who feel that my second should be somewhat ridden with slight shame because I've already been there like 9 years ago. I'm not gonna ask people to throw me a bachelorette party (because hey, I'm in my mid-thirties and a mom!) and I definitely won't push for gifts, but I'm certainly not gonna feel sorry or inappropriate for marrying the love of my life.

If you want the baby shower, get the baby shower! You do need the pink stuff and most likely the baby will wear clothes (although I'm so particular about my son's clothes (and I know we have kinda similar tastes) that I must say unfortunately 90% of what I received for him was bad and he never wore it (light yellow fleece sweatshirt that says my grampa went to Florida and got me this 'coz he loves me?) and I feel horribly guilty about it).

I disagree with showers for 2nd babies.  I think it's tacky.  However, I think there's nothing wrong with celebrating!  A get-together or a little day of pampering or some kind of celebration seems like it would be a great idea.  And maybe not call it a shower.  I would, if I'm being totally honest, be offended to get a shower invitation for a 2nd baby.  Especially if it had a registry attached to it.

Having said that, there are exceptions to every rule.  For instance, my cousin and his wife had a shower for their daughter.  My cousin's wife already had an 8 year old son, so it was her second baby.  But it was my cousin's first baby, and so far removed from his wife's son's babyhood that it seemed the right thing to do.

Also, my husband's sister is about to have a baby next month.  It is her and her husband's second baby.  Their first child, a boy, died at 11 months old about 2 and a half years ago.  This baby is their second and is a girl.  My mother in law and I have been extremely conflicted about how to handle this.  Would a shower be like ignoring their son?  Would it be appropriate or inappropriate?  They certainly need things.  They don't have a lot of money, and they understandably didn't keep everything of their son's.  Some things, but not everything.  We ultimately decided to have a party for them after the baby is born.  More of a meet-the-baby and celebrate with us rather than a shower.  People will bring gifts, I'm sure, but it will be as though they're baby congratulatory gifts, rather than shower gifts.

Phew -- I've rambled on for quite a while now.  Maybe this helps, maybe it doesn't, but that's just my 2 cents!

I'm totally in agreement with Uncle Frank.  Every baby needs a party honoring its birth.  I don't scrapbook, but if I did, I'd totally want a "Your Baby Shower" page in the tots first book.  I've been to diapers-only 2nd showers.  Everyone brings a box of diapers and shoots the sh*t.  [ba doom cha]  It's a celebration of becoming.  You are becoming a mom of 2!

for me i immediately think its tacky. a friend of mine had a shower 2 yrs after having her other child and seriously asked for the all the same stuff she got from the 1st one... swings, rockers, basinet and its was because she was having a boy and had a girl previously. i bought clothes instead cause it did seem totally greedy to me. but then, a nice little party to celebrate and not really a shower type thing with no registry and crap... that seems totally awesome. the diaper only thing is a brilliant idea esp for a 2nd child so close to the first.

Um, after reading A's comment, I just would like to say that I would be offended if I received a shower invite of any sort with a registry attached to it...now THAT is tacky.

I like the idea of theme parties, sort of narrows the scope of what guests should expect of the party and makes it more casual. I like the idea of a diaper party...but with my daughter, it seems like everyone bought me a pack of newborn diapers and I still had a closet packed with them long after she went on to size 2  (about a month after birth!) I just gave the last of the newborn diapers away, and she's over a year old now!

A neat thing you might consider (if you're looking specifically for girly clothes and accessories) is having your guests help you 'make' some girly clothes. For my daughter's shower, my best fiend just bought packs of plain onesies and tons of girl 'add-on' things like iron-on embroidery, ribbons, buttons, all things that guests could easily decorate them with. They all ended up really cute, and had a memory attached to them, not just a tag from baby gap ;)

And really-- if all you do is have a lunch, that seems totally appropriate! You'd take a friend out to lunch for a new job, new home, new whatever, right? Why not a new baby???

KaritaG, I think you're absolutely right.  I think baby registries are tacky and greedy, to be perfectly honest.  I don't necessarily blame everyone who has them, because I think some people do it out of ignorance and/or because their friends are doing it.  But I won't do it when my time comes, because I don't think I have a right to ask for gifts.  If people are going to get me gifts, I will appreciate anything they want to do.  I just don't feel you have a right to ask your friends and family to buy you all the stuff you want when you have a baby.

I feel like I'm inciting an argument here, because I know registering for babies is becoming trendy now... but I don't like it.  And I've never shopped off of a registry for a baby shower.

Again, just my 2 cents...

I think baby shower for second babies are tacky.

showers*

I think you should let Frank throw you a party!  Maybe just find a clever way to communicate that the baby is an excuse to have a fun get-together, and not a shower.

However, I wouldn't be surprised to get some pretty girly things.

Bleh, people are so judgy on this topic.  It's weird that it's  such a capital T Topic, isn't it?  Or is that just me?

For what it's worth, I kinda feel like I agree with the commenters who are saying that if someone wants to throw you a a party, let them!  But let Frank know what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with...and you know what?  The guests are gonna do what they want anyway, and after the baby is born no one is even going to remember if there was any "controversy" over the shower anyway.  And if they do, well then it's too bad that they have nothing more exciting in their life to obsess over than if Rebecca is tacky or not.  

It's a strange but true phenomena that people get weirdly excited about buying baby girls things.

Okay, first of all -- you're an absolute doll and look so stinkin cute at 29 weeks!  

And about the whole shower-for-a-second-baby thing... I agree with your mindset.  I think it could definitely be tacky if the mother-to-be was expecting all the people who supported her the first time around to come and do the same thing (which I have witnessed -- she came across as a major moocher), but it could work for you if you did the 'no gifts, please' thing. It would be apparent to the guests that you're not expecting anything from them but a chance to visit and be excited about your little girl.  And in all honesty, if a friend of mine took that route, I'd still bring her something because it didn't feel like an obligation and I'm just stubborn like that, haha.

Good luck figuring it all out!

A lot of people I know have skipped the second shower in favor of a Big Brother/Sister party for their existing kid(s). By this time in the pregnancy, everyone is all about the new baby and the sibling(s)-to-be can feel left out. Let everyone shower attention on Archer and talk up how great it will be to be a big bro. Let him see how fast he can change a diaper on a baby doll or something goofy like that.

Whatever you decide, I think anyone that knows you realizes the party/shower is not to get stuff, but to celebrate your growing family.

I'm enjoying your posts about your pregnancy, but I really miss hearing about Archer.

You can have a blessingway or something like that. It is less of a baby shower and more of a way to mark the new baby, the birth and prepare the mom. And well if that's just too hippy earth momma for your tastes let your friend throw a party to celebrate and call it whatever you want. :)

If you're independently wealthy, a 2nd shower is tacky.  However, if you're middle income, a 2nd baby showers make sense.  Obviously you won't need as much as the first time around (sheets, car seats, high chairs, etc.) but you will need some new things (diapers).  Let your friends who want to  give a small gift welcoming your newest family member.  Make it a diaper shower, and if someone pulls Frank aside and asks if they can bring more, let him know what's okay to mention (gently used clothes or gift card).

wholy moly!  maybe you shouldn't have asked!?  i just read a funny article about kids birthday parties (new issue of Cookie magazine) and how they have all these rules (such as no gifts, no sugar, etc.) and how it ends up just making people feel uncomfortable.  how about gifts optional?  then you're really being a "diplomom27".  I didn't read all the comments above so i hope that someone didn't already say that.  the only annoying thing is people LOVE to buy baby girl clothes (i.e. pastel, carters, bleh.)  i spent a lot of time taking stuff back cause it just wasn't my style...  which was a pain in the ass.  if you know the people he is inviting to your "shower" and you know they have good taste, then definitely do gifts optional, cause then you know you'll get good gifts!  hehe... does that sound manipulative and selfish?  here's a solution, tell frank that if people bring tacky gifts to your tacky 2nd shower HE has to help take them all back!  good luck!

What's funny is that I've NEVER had a birthday party for Archer for THE SAME REASON I'm uncomfortable with a shower! I've never even had a birthday party for myself! I feel SO UNCOMFORTABLE with obligatory gift-giving. It makes me all anxious and weird.

I think the anti-shower idea is awesome. We're having a party to celebrate our babe to be. A party like one would have a book party or a going-away party... No different.

I also love the big-brother party idea. I'm taking Archer out of school the whole month of August so we can spend the month together just him and me... special US time before the baby comes. We're also planning a trip to Disneyland the month after the baby's born to celebrate Archer's BIG KIDness, so he can be stoked on being the big boy in the family. :) I had never thought of a big brother party before but that's not a bad idea. Although, so far Archer's really excited to be "big brother to sister in mommy's belly" so we'll see!

Re: missing writing about Archer. Ha! I didn't think anyone would notice. I'm actually making a point to write about him less as he gets older, hence the ME ME ME posts as of late... My issue is, I don't want to tell all of Archer's stories for him... I told myself when he turns five I would stop blogging about him entirely for this reason. There is a chance he'll want to tell his own childhood stories and I'd like him to have the opportunity to do... or keep things private if he prefers. Blogging about babies and toddlers is very different to me because our experiences are very universal as parents. But as our children grow up and become their own unique little people, I feel like maybe it isn't my place to write about those particular, intimate details.

I think every child deserves a shower. Make it clear you're not registering, and that it's not a present orgy. Babies deserve parties, and pregnant women deserve to relax and see their friends before they give birth. I have a friend who recently had her second boy, and she had a garden party where her friends came over with their kids and drank iced tea while their kids played in the yard. I love Jillian's idea that diapers are a passkey to get in instead of a gift. To me, skipping a shower almost makes it seem like you're not planning on celebrating the arrival of this child as you did with your first. However, I also feel like asking for presents at your second shower or skipping the second shower entirely isn't a bad plan either. I just feel like it shouldn't be considered tacky to have second or more showers to celebrate the birth of a child as long as you don't turn it into a gift grab.

I think you should have a party to celebrate the new baby girl and yourself! Screw the masses that say it's tacky for second babies. You are having your first girl!!!!! If your friends and family desire, let them shower you with gifts of pink and purple! Primary colors abound, you need some pastels!

You are a gorgeous big bellied mama and you should do a belly cast during the party! You can make something out of it like a chips and salsa serving dish (mine is dusty at the top of the garage 6 years later!!!!).

Here's my mom advice to you, since you already have a boy and we don't know eachother so I won't be invited to your un-shower: Sweep the dirt out the back door, not back into the kitchen!

Meaning-- you wipe girls front to back to avoid UTI's! Hmmm, don't have to think about that so much with boys!!

I haven't had parties for my Ribbit, nor for myself. I, like you, feel weird about the gift-getting thing. Now that we completed kindergarten though, his world has opened up and we were invited to more parties this year than I can count. His birthday is coming up and he now wants a party b/c he goes to so many... he's got a summer b'day and about half of his prospective invitees have come back unable to show up b/c of vacations so fortunately it will be low key! A water balloon fight party.

I also despise the party favor bags with useless junk that takes over our landfills (and my small house)! I am getting backpack charms from the Lego Store for the attendees which they will all love and use long term! Just prepare yourself for the future, they want parties!

I'd say let your friend, Frank, throw the shower.  Call it a party.  You will get a ton of little girl clothes.  Enjoy your pregnancy.  Don't feel bad about having a party, it isn't like you are announcing "give me stuff."  you are celebrating your family.  I also like the Big Brother party.  Archer sounds like one lucky kid.  Please write about him from time to time.  I mean not every intimate detail, but you know, letting us know how he is doing.  I'm betting he will appreciate knowing how you felt about things he was doing at a certain age.  I would have loved to hear about what my mom was thinking when I was 6.  Or even 10.  Thanks for sharing your talent and stories with us.  

I am also somewhere in between. First I think babyshowers hosted by family members are tacky, I think 2nd(+) showers thrown by family are just plain rude. Short answer is that it depends on your friends, you know them what would they think. Also we do baby "sprinkles" is what a friend of mine calls it, and it is just daipers, wipes, butt cream, and consumables so no one need spend over $10, and mostly it is a time of celebration focused on the family.

I would also say I think it is tacky if you register for any of the large items (unless you were to be having twins and would actually NEED another carseat etc).

So I probaly didn't help because like you I am wishy washy. Why don't you tell Frank that you don't want it called a shower (because that implies that there will be gift giving) but you would like to celebrate the baby.

Or hell Frank if you're reading this, if you surprise her with one, she won't look greedy because she won't know about it, and she'd have to be a bitch to get mad at someone throwing her a party. Right?

LL Cool J's timeless words, "Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years..." should just be rewritten for you as, "Don't call it a shower, I've been mom for years!"

If a friend wants to celebrate your babe, have fun and do it.  Don't worry about the haters!  And I can't imagine, from what I know of Uncle Frank, that he would throw one of those traditional (excruciating) kinds of showers that is really more of a freakish sorority hazing.  

I'm knocked up with my first and my shower was just close friends, included men, and consisted of mexican food and margaritas (for everyone but me, natch.)  It was a lot of fun.  

I say have the shower, and if you feel awkward receiving gifts for yourself accept gifts or money to be donated to a local maternity home or children's foundation.  

I think whether you want one or not, Frank is going to do it. Stop stressing about how people will judge it and just have a good time. Your real friends will want to celebrate the joy of your new baby girl with you ... and like many have said, it's a GIRL! So fun to shop for.

I think it's tacky to have a traditional shower for a second...but a party with no presents - absolutely!

I think that every baby should be celebrated, but at the same time, I wouldn't want people to feel like they had to go out and buy more stuff.  The host should be creative about inviting people so that they know it's about celebrating the new child and not about stocking up.  It should definitely not feel like a traditional girly girly shower (even though you're having a girly girly).  People are going to buy something for the new baby regardless, but they should know that it's not required.  

i'm not down with showers in the typical presents way; i'm way too picky--huge character flaw, lol. but i love the idea of a blessingway or a mama blessing! it would be way more similar to what your friend suggested--a fun party and a celebration of you as you're about to become a mother again. it's not about being for the baby, but about being for you because this is a unique pregnancy and a unique time in your life. obviously there are similarities to when you were pregnant with archer, but i'm sure there are many differences too. and hey, if people want to bring a little something for baby they're more than welcome.

some things people do at blessings are belly casts, henna, or make birth necklaces, which i think is a really touching idea. you can google for more info on these, and i'm sure there are a million other traditions people do. or, go ahead and have a watch my friends get drunk party, why not, right?

We do baby "sprinkles" here too - just consumable gifts like diapers, wipes, etc.  If someone wants to bring something bigger, that's cool, but it's not expected and usually nobody spends over $20.  Sometimes the woman's mother or best friend might buy a new big-ticket item, like a stroller or whatever, but that depends on the circumstances.

We put a little card in with the invitations explaining what a "baby sprinkle" is.  Nobody I know has ever been offended by this, and everyone seems to enjoy them.  Usually it's a surprise to the mother, held at a restaurant or something, but it doesn't have to be.

(Also, if you aren't comfortable with even a "sprinkle", you could always have a "meet the baby" party after she's born.  This way people can bring gifts if they want to, but they don't feel pressured since they have a real reason to come, ya know?)

I'd do it. Girls are way funner to shop for than boys. Your friends will love the chance to shower you in tiny pink outfits. Give them a reason to :-)

If you don't want presents anyway, why not have a "Sip and See" party after the baby is born.  It's sort of a southern thing . . . a chance to have a few drinks (the sip part) and meet the new baby (the see part).  That way your friend Frank gets to throw a party and you don't have to deal with the "is it tacky to throw a 2nd shower?" thing.

How's about specifically telling people to bring barrettes for the baby girl. That way, everybody satisfied their need to give gifts, but it doesn't seem like they're being hit up to subsidize your "baby problem" (ok, not as witty as "drinking problem", unless you've got 17 kids).

Or go for the sprinkle - way more fun to meet the baby girl in person, although you do leave her open to everybody's germs. Sorry - it just came out.

I think a second shower is fine, though maybe not a registry.  For those who said that a registry is tacky for any baby, I have to disagree.  Our son was the first baby amongst our friends and the first grandbaby on both sides of our family, which meant that no one knew what to get for us and everyone wanted to get something.  We registered for items in every price range and asked for baby stuff for christmas and our birthdays from parents and other family members.  Most of our friends didn't get us big items, but we never expected them to.  However, the friends who brought us Butt Paste and a temporal scan thermometer never would have known that those were good gifts without our registry.

Oh yes, I too have noticed there's been little talk of Archer lately.

Just post his cute little face every once in a while!

I agree with you, Courtney. When I was thrown a shower for Archer I was the first of my friends, AND family to have a baby like you ... Without the registry everyone would have likely bought things we would have never used, which is just sort of... wasteful. And then you feel bad returning and blah blah... Absolutely no registry for a second. No way. I'm actually thinking, though, that a party WHEN the baby arrives is a really great idea! AND! I can partake in the wine. Hmmm...

2nd baby and a GIRL and all sorts of NEW BABY GADGETS around now that were not 3 years ago! Enjoy your shower.

I think a second baby shower is fine..especially if the sex of the second child is different from the first.  Would it make you more comfortable if you had all gifts be either diapers or gently used goods?

oh, yeah the party AFTER the baby arrives is the best.  i'm not married so my quasi-mother-in-law didn't really get involved in the shower planning my mom threw and many of her friends weren't invited.... so she had a "coming out" party (hehe get it...) and that was nice.  she didn't even tell people to bring gifts, but of course everyone did!  hope you have fun whatever you do, i'm sure you will!

Tell him to make it a surprise shower and then you don't have to feel any guilt! I know it's not a real surprise, but what the hell...it's apparently not a real baby shower anyways! And the gifts, why not? Your not going to re-dress the baby girl in Archer's hand-me-downs, now are you?

I just had 2 kids within 21 months of each other and both were girls.  I am not a fan of having baby showers for each pregnancy either.  So when one of my coworkers expressed an interest in throwing me a shower, I suggested they do a diaper party.  I didn't need any furniture etc or clothing since I had held on to everything from the previous pregnancy.  But any new parent can use diapers!

I agree with the poster above who said receiving registry info with the invitation was tacky (and I'd extend that to wedding invitations, bridal shower invitations, etc.).  I was raised that if you want to bring a gift you discreetly contact the mother of the bride or the person throwing the shower and ask where the guest/s of honor is registered.  As to second showers, as long as it's done in the spirit of wanting a nice afternoon with friends, then who cares, like so many things in life, it's the intention that counts.  

I say, if you want me at your party then send me an invitation.  But if you send me a registry list, I assume that what you really want is my gift, in which case my gift and I will both be staying home.

I have two children, a three year old boy and a 2 month old girl.  I was given a big shower for my son then was surprised with a second, much smaller shower for my daughter.  The second shower had only my mom and 7 closest friends.  (my friends threw it and asked my mom to come.)  They said that since they were going to buy gifts for the baby anyway they figured we might as well have a nice afternoon together.)

I was completely in shock but had a wonderful afternoon with my friends.  

I can't tell you what to do cause if anyone had asked me for permission to give me a second shower I would have said  no way, but since I wasn't consulted beforehand I have to admit that I had a great time and received lots of beautiful baby girl clothes.

What would be the point of a second shower with "no gifts please?" Showers are all about gifts - let's be honest. I'm in the tacky grabby camp. And I think you'll find that your friends will bring girly gifts AFTER the baby is born.

i had a baby shower for my first girl. two years later for my boy i lived far from everyone and had no party and no gifts. since i had a girl first, i also had no clothes to hand down and needed to buy everything. i didn't mind because i didn't think anyone should have a second babyshower anyway- that's so greedy. 6 years later when i had another girl i was lucky enough to have a surprise baby shower thrown. my view on showers changed. it's a BABY shower. not a mother to be shower. and every baby deserves to have new clothes, new bags, new stuff. why is the 2nd, 3rd, even 5th baby less worthy? i think you should have a shower, get gifts and dance until your ankles swell (even more)!!!!

With my second baby, my neighbors threw me a "welcome home" party for my son.  I didn't find out the sex, so they planned the party 2 weeks after his due date.  I got to bring the baby and they all got to buy little boy clothes and whip up some knitted blankets for him.  We had snacks and cake and it was totally fun.

Let Frank hook it up.  Any of your friends will be down with it.

With my second baby, my neighbors threw me a "welcome home" party for my son.  I didn't find out the sex, so they planned the party 2 weeks after his due date.  I got to bring the baby and they all got to buy little boy clothes and whip up some knitted blankets for him.  We had snacks and cake and it was totally fun.

Let Frank hook it up.  Any of your friends will be down with it.

I think that something not quite so traditional is fine.  (Not that you seem like a traditional girl.)  If ANY of my friends had a 2nd shower I would totally go, and buy sassy outtfits for the baby, because I *heart* shopping.   I would also know that my friends are the type of people who just simply love a good party. My friend and I throwing a shower next weekend and its a Luau theme with super little baby thmes anything.  We'e having chugging games and mixed drinks.

So I say - have one. Putting a no-gift memo on the invite is cool, but people who love you are already in love with your little girl and Im sure they are just begging for a reason to shop for her.

It may be your second baby but it is your first girl.  I'd let your friend do what he wants.  All babies need to be celebrated.

What if you did the party, because that's where the fun is! and asked people to bring new items to donate to a mom in need if they felt compelled to bring a gift.

I have two kids and I was given a shower for both of my kids. I don't think its tacky at all. In my family we give showers for everyone having a baby whether its the first second or third baby regardless of the gender and how many they already have of the same. I love baby showers and buying baby gifts. I thinks its a great to be spoiled when you are pregnant. Given great gifts and eating all your favorite pregnant cravings. Jeezs for my daughter I was giving three showers, friends, family and work. So I say go for it!!!!

I have to say that of all the etiquette issues I've ever heard of, I have never, ever heard that a shower for a second baby is tacky or rude or otherwise uncouth (and I come from the absurdly uptight, etiquette-breaches-should-be-punishable-by-DEATH South...).  

When I gave my friend a gift with her first pregnancy, I didn't think, "Whew! I've done my societal duty and assisted her over the financial burdens of having infants in her house.  This onesie (or whatever) should suffice for all subsequent children."  That's just retarded.  Seriously.  When she had her second child, her sisters again hosted a shower for her.  And I (gladly) bought her more stuff 'cos seriously, how tacky is it to think that my gift a few years prior clears me of some sort of obligation, or to think of my gift in that way at all?  If it was about the tit-for-tat responsibility of assisting a new parent, they would be called new parent showers, not baby showers.  And if that was the case, then why not just break it down into what it really is, which is an exchange of money to buy off that responsibility.  I mean, do we base our gifts on how much money the parents make?  If not, then why would we even consider whether or not a parent already has been given a shower?  (Logical leap there but basically- we give a shower to assist a first-time parent with getting all the misc. stuff they need, but we don't do this the second time around- this presumes that we are excused from the second gift because the second gift isn't needed, thus the first gift we gave was need-based, correct? So if we follow that logic, no one should ever be given a shower unless they are impoverished and illiterate (otherwise they could procure their own supplies, including books to impart knowledge, and punch and cake to host their own "I'm gonna be a mom- again!" party)).  

I guess what I'm trying to say in a long-winded way is that the shower and the gifts honor the future baby, not just a person who is becoming a parent, and to presume otherwise is to set up some sort of situation-specific finance-based exchange, which is totally outside the spirit of giving a gift in the first place.  

Of course, then again, in the South, we like ANY excuse for sherbet punch and cake and tiny sandwiches... so don't listen to me!

have a party, be gracious when your friends bring gifts, they will because they

WANT to... how is that tacky???

that's celebrating life, and friends and everything else good!!!

best to you & your family!

by the way loved what kate had to say... i couldn't agree more!

Well, we don't have baby showers here in the UK, but surely they're just about celebrating a baby-to-be and not about gifts in the same way weddings are about getting married and not the pressies? Pity all those number 2 / 3, etc babies who don't get the party. The world needs to mark more special occasions. What are we without the ritual of celebration?

Ok, I haven't read all the comments.. but what about a "Welcome Baby" party after she is born?  Maybe when she is a month or so old?  A drop in where people can meet the baby and greet you.. and may or may not bring a gift.  ??  Or, tie in the Big Brother part too....  "Archer invites you to meet his new sister.. ".  ???

I didn't have a second shower because I had another girl.  People still got me stuff though.. it just wasn't structured.  I probably got the same number of gifts though.  People just love babies!

I vote for having a "party" - then you won't offend anyone who feels like a 2nd "shower" is moochery (I would be one of them, but it's an easily forgivable offense for someone I cared about) and you'd still have an opportunity for friends who lurve buying girly presents to bring them and celebrate the baby.  It's all about the party anyway.  

Wow, a lot of comments!

Though I don't have little ones myself, I have hosted several baby showers for dear friends. For one of my best friends, I hosted her first shower (big brunch to-do for thirty or so, and plenty of gifts). For the second baby, I offered to host another, and she liked the idea of celebrating, was also squicked about asking for gifts. Our solution (a good one, IMHO), is what a lot of people have suggested: a party that celebrates the rite of passage without putting a lot of focus on presents.

Having a baby is a huge transition, whether it's number one or four, and every baby and baby-momma deserves a little celebration. I've done a lot of reading (and edited one book) about "Blessing Ways," a celebration that focuses on celebrating mom and preparing her for childbirth. A full-on Blessing Way can be a bit, um, hippie or New Agey for some women, but it's a great starting point for ideas. The party for my (non-hippie) friend including lots of sharing of hopes and fears about childbirth, words of appreciation and love for her, a foot massage (we hired a pro, but you could do it yourselves), etc. A few nibbles, some tasty mocktails, and a chance for a small group of her best friends to give her lots of love and attention -- what's not to love about that. Oh, and we made her a bracelet from homemade beads and charms for her to wear during labor (should she choose to). Maybe a few folks bought her small gifts -- I really can't recall -- but like I said, they weren't the point.

Anyway, YMMV, but if you google "Blessing Way" and "alternative baby showers" you'll find lots of ideas for parties that de-emphasize gift giving. I say do what feels right to you, and don't let ideas about the way showers *should* be throw you off course.

wow! i couldn't read all the comments way too many for me.  i'm in the same boat and decided we'll have a "Meet the Baby" party instead of a shower.  i'm like you, i feel like baby showers are more for first time mom's, getting advice from wiser more experienced moms.  i'd rather celebrate the birth of our new child rather than the anxiety of becoming a mom again.

I'm leaning toward the after-she's-born party, now. Thanks guys. That's actually a great compromise. You're awesome. Thanks so much for your candid thoughts and advice!

What seems to happen for second babies with my friends is a casual party to welcome the baby and celebrate the mama (sometimes before the birth, sometimes after), and usually everyone has the OPTION to contribute to a special gift.  Two special gifts that come to mind that I've contributed to are a photo session with a great photographer (the pics were gorgeous!) and a double stroller for a mama expecting her second boy in two years.  I was so thrilled to contribute to those gifts and didn't feel like it was tacky at all!

I would have loved a second shower, but my second son came 16 months after my first son, so it was a moot point.  Still, my ILs don't do second showers.  I think it's kinda silly because I think of it as a celebration.  Enjoying time with other women, welcoming and preparing for a baby is a very nice thing, that gift don't necessarily have to be a part of.  So while I didn't need much for my second baby (other than another crib and a double stroller), I still would have loved another shower/party so I could share this with my friends and family and maybe receive a few cute, new-to-me onesies for the little one... or money towards the college fund ;)  If I have another baby (hoping someday) whether it's a boy or girl, I will have a shower/party... can never have too many cloth dipes, ya know? :)

Also, one doesn't necessarily need to buy things for a shower.  Some things are fine to give used.  So while we live in a shop, shop, shop culture, giving second-hand may help curb that crazy trend.

Life is too short to be worried about all of these rules. If you want to have a get together with your friends to celebrate your new baby do it. If you would rather nest alone - do that.

Doesn't sound like you care about gifts so don't call it a shower. Would be fun to me to go to the spa and have lunch with a few good friends or just do something pampering. They will probably still bring gifts and you can smile and say - thank you:):):)

Why not have the shower and just make the giving of gifts optional? After all this is one of the few chances you have left for a night out while only having one child.

I threw a second baby shower for my sister-in-law as a way celebrate the second baby.  It was much smaller than her first baby shower (which I also threw), just a handful of her closest friends and her mom.  We had girly drinks (no booze) and yummy tarts and other goodies.  We all worked on an art project together, which we then turned into a baby book for the new baby.  A few of us gave her some smaller-scale gifts.  I thought it was a nice way to acknowledge and celebrate this new life, and she thought it was special.

I'm amazed you didn't come across any postings on Etiquette Hell in your googling. Second showers are impossibly tacky, and YES - showers are ALL ABOUT PRESENTS. That's why they're called "showers" - they "shower" you with gifts.

Any mention of gifts on an invitation is also rude.

Pass on the shower, please. We don't need any more rudeness in the world.

I'm totally not a mommy, but I am the aunt of a beautiful baby girl. If and when my sister and brother-in-law decide to bless me with more little ones to spoil, I WILL DEFINATELY be throwing a shower. Why should the subsequent children be stuck with all hand-me-downs when the first got all new stuff? I think it's tacky to throw YOURSELF a shower, but if someone else wants to hold a celebration of the new life for you, then why hurt their feelings by not accepting and reveling in their excitement? Every child that comes into this world deserves to be treated as if they are their own special, unique individual, not some second rate hand-me-down.

Um, I had FIVE showers for ONE baby.. My friends from Philly planned one, my closest girlfriends did one here in Maryland, my co-workerks another, and then my mom, and mother in law all had seperate showers for me.. We got about 4 grand worth of gifts and money and we did not have to buy anything off of our registry.. If and when we have a second, I'm sure I'll have a couple showers for it too.. We did not ask for any showers, or gifts at all. But we have a lot of friends and family who wanted to truly bless us and they totally did.. If people want to plan you a party, I say let them!!!!Each pregnancy is different and I think that they warrant a seperate shower.. Even if there are no gifts involved, it can just be a party celebrating new life!!! So go ahead and let your friend plan your shower, you will be SO glad you did!!!!!

I'm in the second showers are tacky (and most showers are boring) camp, but what my friends and I have been doing is having "fill the freezer" showers where we each make a frozen meal or muffins etc for the mom to be to take home for those chaotic first weeks. Of course now that it's hot out it's hard to think of what to make for the freezer since no one really craves stew or chili in August. Also there aren't any dumb games or anything, just an opportunity to hang out, eat and chat.

I think u should have a shower for every baby...it is not grabby or rude, especially if someone is throwing the shower for you. It would be a little weird if you were throwing your own shower. People are going to buy you presents anyways...so it would be better to get the stuff you need.

I'm pretty sure anyone who would be "offended" by an *invitation* is an asshole. It is nice of people to throw parties. It is nice of them to feed you and liquor you up. It is nice of them to invite you into their homes and their lives. It is nice of them to want to make you a part of one of the most special and personal things that will ever happen to them. Last I looked, you should be "offended" if you are NOT invited. That would mean no one wants you around. Because you are an asshole.

I totally think that some sort of "Pamper-the-Mama" Party is appropriate and necessary.  Sit around and do whatever you enjoy, paint the belly, get massaged or lie on your back playing stiff as a board!

You can always use wording to distract from bringing gifts without actually having to say it.  Because when you say it, it leaves your guests in a pickle. Having read "no gifts-please" they now have to make an awkward decision -

Do they:

a. follow the request and risk looking like the only cheap-ass who did so.

or

b. bring a gift and risk offending the host or looking like you're trying to show-up the other guests.

Never fun. That said, enjoy your fleeting last trimester!

I am flabbergasted by all of the drama about this topic. Rebecca, I too used to feel squicky about gifts and parties and attention and asking favors and all of that crap. But one of my  fabulous friends (and he was gay too) once gave me this advice, "If someone compliments you, say thank you, don't make excuses. If someone wants to do something nice for you, accept graciously, and feel loved." So I do.

Let Frank throw the party. Accept cute dresses, diapers, stuffed animals, whatever. Because the only people who will be there are those who know and love you. How can you feel guilty about accepting their love?

Geezuz,at the end of the day it's only $20 or so, it's not like you're asking for them to donate a liver.

Besides, giving a gift is an honor.

I have 4 daughters and my much-younger-mom-of-1-self would agree with your view.  Showers are for first babies.  

My single, childless, party throwing friends disagreed and gave me a surprise 2nd baby shower.  Honestly, I was shocked and a bit uneasy at the time.  Once the "party" started and was evident it was not going to consist of baby food games and end with guessing my tummy grith using toilet paper squares, I had a great time.

It was very close to my due date and my friends had all prepared and froze meals and snacks for my family to enjoy when the baby arrived. It seemed easier for me to accept "helping" meals from friends instead of being showered with baby items. As little as I cooked back then, I really think it was a coup to ensure my husband and daughter survived after D day.  

With our other births my husband and I actually hosted baby celebration for our friends and family as a way to thank them for their past and future support in our lives while embracing our upcoming addition.  

Looking back on it all, I'm glad that my friends did it their way and threw me a baby shower for my second daughter.  They really wanted to be included in our joy.

After all, a shower is just that, a way for friends and loved ones to "shower" the mom-to-be and baby with warm wishes for the future. You shouldn't hesitate celebrating your blessing simply based on birth order or deny your friends the opportunity share this most wonderful time with the equally important sibling. (Ok, so I'm a second born)

Plus, nixing the shower won't stop friends/family from giving gifts anyway and your daughter is the one that will oneday go nuts for "her" baby shower photos. :) Congratulations!

hey becca,

first off, you look gorgeous and i'm psyched for you and your family.

second off,  in terms of tacky vs. not-tacky..eh, there's obviously no one answer here.  i kinda scanned the posts, didn't read all of 'em, but throwing in my 2 cents here...i think a get-together with friends and a low-key celebration of what you've endured/what you're about to embark upon/a new life showing up is great, if you're up for it.  i like the "sprinkle" (diapers, wipes, etc.) and "blessingway" ideas.  alternatively for the gift-lovers...how 'bout if you collected a bunch of baby clothes (so everyone could work out their baby-clothes ya-yas), and donated them to charity, at a women's shelter or something like that?

good luck and let us know whatcha come up with.

OK - I kind of got hung up on the first paragraph of your post "are YOU planning a baby shower" 'cause where I come from planning your OWN shower, baby or wedding or whatever, is just crass.

Graciously attending when someone else wants to throw a celebration of your happiness - that's different.

And be it the first baby, first wedding - or repeats of the above - it is celebrating the here and now happiness - so GO FOR IT!

Besides - like others have said -buying girl stuff is just SO MUCH FUN!!!

You guys are awesome. It's amazing how many opinions! Wow!

I've actually decided against a shower (or party of any kind) mainly because I'm not personally comfortable with one. We will, however, have an open-house type get-together with close friends when the baby is born. More my speed. And Frank totally understands because he's my homie and we love each other, even when/if we rain and one another's parade.

Thanks, again for all of your comments!

A friend was having #3 so we just had a casual get together and bought her some gift certificates.  It was a surprise because she might have refused otherwise.  I've also seen second baby showers for people who have several years in between babies or are having a secind baby in a new marriage.

As a Mom of 2 boys I am a little surprised by the number of people that say it's okay to have a shower for a second baby if it's the opposite gender from your first... @@ Seriously people?!  Why should a Mom/Baby combo be celebrated any more than another combo simply because a certain spermotazoa reached the egg first.

Honestly, you really don't need that many "different" things for the opposite gender - most major items are gender neutral and if you were smart like me you would have purchased mostly gender neutral layette... If you are one of those silly people that purchase all pink gear (carriage, car seats, diaper bags, etc.) for your first baby girl and then 18 months later have a boy, well imo you need to push jr. around in a pink stroller as punishment for your stupidity or purchase your own new stroller...

Plus, most people come over to see the new addition toting some adorable (and some not-so-adorable) gender specific clothing item anyway...

That all being said, having had my second baby about year ago now I realize how hard it is to get together with friends (especially the working 9-5 childless variety which dominate my group) when you have a routine-loving toddler and a newborn that doesn't give a hoot about anyone's schedule but their own...

So if you can get together with friends before the baby comes I say DO IT!  And if they are willing to give you things you  can really use (wipes, baby wash, those gerber puff things that babies love) and maybe some stuff they just want to buy, then that's even better...

If you don't want "gifts" maybe ask them each to bring a children's book to the party which will expand the kids' library... and notice I say kids because Archer will benefit from an expanded library too... this is particularly cool idea given you are an author.

Or maybe everyone can donate $25 to a children's charity like the March of Dimes, St. Jude, Unicef... instead of buying stuff you don't need...

But def get together with friends before the baby comes.

Well, I had two showers for my first child, my son:  one gvien by my friends, and the other (big shower) given at work by friends and co-workers.  I appreciated both showers that were thrown in my honor, given that my husband and I were also raising my 2 year-old niece, of which we purchased all items needed for her.  Then baby #2, a girl, came along two years later and I didn't expect a shower, b/c hey, "it's inappropriate" as one friend informed me(i had no idea!)

however, my friends at work had a completely different perspective, since most were done having children and some were grandmothers. as many of them put, boy or girl, it's a new baby and therefore should be celebrated.  being the kind of person who spends too much time worrying about what is right or wrong, classy/trashy, etc., I too worried that I would look "greedy" having another shower for another child.

But since then, I totally agree with the above-mentioned friends that it is another child, regardless of gender, and yes, that child deserves the celebration of life too.  I would hate to think of my sonlooking at pictures of his shower(s) and my daughter having any to view.  IMHO, throw the so-called etiquette rules out of the window and proceed to party on, wayne!!

Wow! 2nd baby showers certainly are a hot topic! I don't think I've ever seen so many comments on something!  Go for whatever you feel comfortable with.  I never had a baby shower for my first three kids (all boys) (No, not independently wealthy, just independently poor,-and poor friends). For my girl (15 yrs between her and her youngest sibling) my work threw a baby shower for me, and it was greatly appreciated. I certainly wasn't going to turn it down.  I still had the crib from the last kid (dusty, but still safe) and the rest of the baby paraphenelia (can't spell) I got handed-down or rummage sales.  I'm not a big believer of brand new big ticket items for little ones because most times they they outgrow them before they're worn out ($10.00 practically new at rummage sale beats  $100.00 brand new any day).  So do it the way you feel comfortable. Accept graciously any gifts given in spite of "no gifts rule" Like one said, lots of people LOVE an excuse to buy little baby items (Awww, aren't those socks tiny!)

Have a 'teenstache and old man sweater' party.  My brother did and the pictures were hilarious.

That way it's both Moms and Dads, silly, and the price of admission is a bag of dipes or wipes.

It's just dumb enough to work.  Think of the laughter.