Straight From the Bottle

Now if anyone ever had a legitimate case for shelling out the extra $$ for the Fastpass at Disneyland it's a nine month pregnant woman and her three year old!

I can't tell from your post what you've decided--is it back to school or are you sticking with your original plan? Isn't it funny how children reveal their different sides in the most (un)predictable ways?

Sorry to hear it isn't ideal, but as you indicate, in a way these are good problems to have - your boy is flourishing at school and socially.

Also, Archer is going to break a lot of hearts one day.  He is gorgeous!!!

I'd been wondering how you guys were doing.  Sounds horrible and I'm not even pregnant!  

What a cute haircut!

I'm really sorry it's been so rough. Kids are funny about disruptions in their schedules. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he'd rather be at school, or that he doesn't see you as a hang-out pal any more, but instead, it's just different. Don't take it personally. Maybe if you mapped out some activities to give your days some structure (if possible), like 10:00 library, 11:00 cafe, 12:00 market run, etc, and tried to keep him on it when you can, he'll fight it less. Just a thought.

Hey, how old exactly is Archer?  Me and so many other friends were taken by surprise by the lesser known re-emergence of two-like tantrums at 3.5 - 3.75.  If it's a relatively sudden and constant kinda thing, it could be this hardly discussed phase which I personally haven't seen any of my friends' kids miss.  Anyway, whenever tantrums have re-emerged in our house, it means lots of fallback on letting the kid know when things are coming beforehand and offering a choice of two things so they feel like they have some decision power.

Yes, age 3.5 to 4 was by FAR tougher in our house than the "terrible twos." Hang in there, Rebecca. Maybe you could compromise by sending him back to school for half days only, so that you have plenty of time for playdates and such--but you get some peace?

Nothing with a three-year-old can be totally planned *wink* I hope you have some great memory moments before the arrival of your second babe!  I have a love/hate relationship with the average three-year-old... it's full of struggles, but the unexpected rewards are amazing :)  They are just beginning to stretch out their wings so that they can fly on their own.  This makes for huge tears for Mommy (from the stuggles and the feeling of loss) and huge pride for three-year-olds.

Archer looks so handsome with his new haircut, he really is transforming into a big brother right before your eyes.  His need for independence will be a wonderful help to you with the new baby... not only will he be able to do some things on his own, but he'll also be able to help you with his new sister (and take BIG pride in doing so!!!)  I suggest to plan some just alone time with him after the baby too. Not a whole month like now but like a Mommy and me day here and there, but since you are already doing this I'm sure you are planning to do that already :P

Yeah -- I'm keeping him out until September.  I'm not giving up the dream! Ha!

I'm just, like some of you have suggested, trying to structure our days and doing more playdates with kids instead of "just the two of us" dates. We seem to have much better luck in situations with kids Archer knows and loves... Also we're spending a week down south at my parent's pool so that will be nice. It's really the errands that are killing me. Trying to manage a post-op dog and a kid who refused to get out of the car to pick up said dog from the vet wasn't awesome. Dragging a crazy-eyed tantrum into a serene public place is something I thought we dealt with and got over last year. But OH NO.

Archer's about Three and three months...

Oh and Heather! Yes. Planning on spending some quality time with Archer, just the two of us, after the baby comes and then after that. Forever. Until I'm dead.

Well, speaking from the great distance of grandmotherhood of adults let me tell you that my daughters and I eventually settled into an adult relationship...and it is wonderful and a great relief.

I agree with mombo, I think that the change in his routine is probably tough for him.  My son is only 18 mos, but he's already smashed many of my rainbow dreams.  At 13 mos a trip to Mt. Vernon to look at farm animals--disaster.  Lunch with the family at any restaurant--catastrophe.  But every now and then he surprises me with a Kodak moment and its all good.  (Petting mini goats at the county fair yesterday--awwww.)

To be honest I am glad to read that things aren't going perfectly. I had the same idea about keeping Miles out of school before Clara was born, but didn't end up doing it and secretly thought maybe I missed out on some magical time.

I also thought I would keep him home some days after she was born, since now I am at home all day with her. HA! Every morning I feel a big exhale when he leaves for school - only one kid to take care of for the next 6 hours.

Even if it isn't all sunshine and roses, I suspect you will be glad you took the time to hang with just Archer. It does change once the second one arrives...

Independence is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. But you are probably in the best situation with him for the new baby. Think of that as a blessing.

P.S. Way cool New York City tee shirt! :)

Ha!!! You noticed!!! Some CRAZY BITCH gave it to him. ;)

You know, my friends and I all went through this with our toddler during the last few weeks of pregnancy. It's like either they pick up mom's grumpiness, or they know life is going to change for the crazy in a few weeks time.

Can't believe how big Archer is getting. I hate how shorter 'dos make your child look so much more mature and grown up than they really are, or rather, should be. Sniff!

Love this post for all its gritty honesty!  Isn't it just like motherhood (one hand giveth, the other taketh away) that just when you most want lovey one on one time with Archer, he's not having it.  ARG.

ps.  The pony rides and the train at Griffith Park are favorites of ours. One of these days we are going to run into you somewhere.  Does it freak you out when your blog fans approach you?!?!

I am a regular reader over at GGC. I usually never comment but you brought back a memory long since repressed.

I was very pregnant and trying to get my three and a half year old strapped into his seat while he screamed, kicked, and hit me. It was his first day of preschool and he did NOT want to go home. I had to drag him out from underneath a table, carry him to the car as he flailed about and use all of my strength to hold him down to get him in his seat.

Up until that day he had never behaved in such a way. Sure there were the 2 year old tantrums, but never hitting and kicking - especially in my direction.

I was in shock and must have looked a mess out there on the street halfway in the car with one leg over my son's lap, one hand blocking hits and the other trying to do straps that just weren't meant to be done with only one hand. And I cried the entire time. Because my feelings were hurt. Because I was embarrassed and felt like a failure. Because I was soon going to have two kids and how could I manage that when I could barely manage one.

So he and I cried together in the car for a while as the other perfect preschool moms walked past, trying to look as if they didn't notice.

But if they had said something it would probably be the same thing I'm saying to you. We've all been there, struggling with our children and our emotions at the same time. I suppose their right of passage is our own.

And, um, yeah, thanks for taking me back to that awful day ;)

You get major bonus points for even trying. Daycare was my saving grace when I was pregnant with my second. I found that my daughter was bored at home and, just as you found out, I just didn't have the engery to try and entertain her all day every day. She needed her peers and the structure of daycare. I know she's a better child because of it. I'm sure the same can be said for your son.

When you shared this plan in the blog, I had misgivings, but didn't want to rain on parades and such. It's all about the routine! Too much change is stressful for little people, old people, tired people, all kinds of people! Routines are comforting and allow people who may not have a lot of control in their lives feel a measure of certainty about what will happen next. With the new babe on the way, Archer is already experiencing and anticipating many changes, soonemore may have been a bit much.

My son is 2 and I know he gets bored at home when it's just us after awhile. After all, humans used to live in groups, where kids had tons of peers and caregivers around. Now we have 1 kid in a big house with his parents and it's freakin' boring. There was no such thing as a playdate once upon a time! *waves cane around*

What a beautiful effort though. You get big props for being such a good mama.  

I know how you feel. My son did really great up until the few weeks before my daughter was born. I think they know or figure out we can't wrangle them as easily so they talk back or fight harder to get their way because in the end, I only had the energy to fight until I was crying.

In my case, it was only the beginning of the real battle. The first week after my daughter was born, my son became another kid. He was the kid you see out in public and think to yourself - oh thank god my child is not like that kid. Yes my usual angel was not heaven sent that week. Fortunately, (at least for now) that's all better and he's already through that initial adjustment period (my daughter is now 3 weeks old).

It's all worth it in the end. (keep repeating to yourself)

I also wondered about this when you first wrote about it.  It seemed to me that it was much more about what you wanted, not what Archer would want.  What would be good about having him become more attached to you and then you not being as available to him (while you are caring for the baby)?  The period leading up to the birth of your second should be spent fostering his independence, not trying to get more attached to him, otherwise becoming a big brother is going to be much more difficult.  Also, I can't believe the school allowed this.  I'm sorry it's not going well, but I wish you would consider putting him back in school - for his sake, not your own.

Well I've taken care of other people's kids for the past 10 years (and now pregnant with my first) and professionally speaking this is totally normal behavior.  

Some kids (and I mean most) have a terrible time adjusting to change.  Just give him a couple of weeks and he will come around.  

Some of the kids I have taken care of fall into a depressive, manic slump when they go on break from school and it takes weeks to get them out of it.  

I know one boy who would cry and throw these monstrous tantrums whenever school would let out for summer, it was a total nightmare.  It didn't matter what amazing thing I had planned for him, he would totally break down like a crazed person when we tried to leave the house and this is a boy who I had taken care of for 5 years.

These tantrums can be trying but it is best to give him space and time and I promise he will come around.

Good luck.

His change in behavior might be, too, because he senses the imminent arrival of the usurper.

My mother tells me I was positively impossible in the month before my little sister was born (and I was home full-time at the time).

I'm glad Archer has such a good time at school, though. It sounds like a great school.

@ just a friend- "Also, I can't believe the school allowed this." My eyes just rolled out of my head. Dude, he's 3. It's not like his mid-term marks on on the line here...

I thought it was a great idea & it's just a matter of finding a balance of activities that mom & little man are both comfortable with. Sounds like he does need more playtime with peers though. I can recall that as awesome a Princess Laia as my mom tried to be, I much preferred it when a friend did. For some reason Mom Laia was always trying to get Luke Skywalker to build forts while she did the dishes and made grilled cheese sandwiches....

Good luck, Bec!

It could be combination of just being 3 and feeling anxiety about the baby.  I have no doubt that after she's born, Archer will take a lot of emotions out on you.  It sucks, but it beats the alternative (taking it out on the baby).  As for being 3, my favorite child development books (Ames and Ilg) say for 3-year-olds, their best advice is to get a babysitter for as much of the time as possible.  Not so much to give you a break (although you need it), but because his major task at this age is fighting with mom.  Only when he's with someone else can he actually get around to learning, exploring, and being independent.  School rules!

True that.

And to "Just a Friend" (HA!) re: "the school ALLOWING me" to take Archer out for a month. It's summer, dude. Half of the kids at school are out summering in France or wherever. Summer school is OPTIONAL. Taking him out of school for a month in the summer isn't some crazy thing. In fact, I took him out of a class that had literally five kids left in it for the summer months. If he was in elementary school and/or I didn't put him in preschool so early (at 2.5) he wouldn't be in school right now anyway.

But thank you for looking out for what's best for my son's poor "sake." So "friendly" of you.

I guess my post hit too close to home!  

It's probably for the best. Boys whose moms are their best friends just might grow up to dabble in taxidermy while running a decrepit motel.

Wow!  "... the school ALLOWING you..."  is hysterical!  Who made them God?  Your friendly post isn't even in this universe.  This person strikes me as having no children if not TWO.

At 2 1/2 it was all about me craving the assurance that my son still needed me as I was facing bringing son #2 into the world.  As a mother I stepped aside (and continue you to do so) to let my son become independent.  I relish the moments when he cries for me or seeks ME out for anything.  I beam w/ pride when he makes his own conclusions and accomplishments.

Rebecca - Tucker acted the same way as my time drew near to have his brother.  Change was coming and he knew it.  It even spilled over in to school.  His teachers put the two together.  It wasn't like Tucker to behave that way.

Hang in there.

lovey, he's kicking your ass because you're about to crowd him. he knows it. he feels it. fifi was the same way. he loves you and you love him. now send him back to school and let him have his routine and his expectations met all day long. he's allowing you the distance you need to get to know little luella maggie aesop prada mc isaacson. after the chaos comes the easy bits. and really effective birth control.

i adore thee.

OK - the reason I wrote "allowed" about the school is based on what she has written, it seem her son attends a theraputic nursery school which is paid for by the state of California.  These schools do not get paid if the children are not there.  Also, schools like this generally feel strongly that the child will lose gains in learned skills if they have a long absence from school, which is why the schools are in session over the summer.  It's not a normal preschool situation.  I'm a special ed preschool teacher, so this is something I'm fairly familiar with.

My child goes to normal preschool. He always has. I've written about it at length, actually in posts like "Fast Times at Montessori School"...

(Yes the state of CA paid for his school until he was three because of his speech delay. That's how Regional Center works.)  We pay for his school now that he's over three. Again, you're spending far too much time explaining yourself to people who don't care.  And I'm spending far too much time explaining myself to  you. Oy vey.

OK, I totally wasn't going to comment, but Just a Friend you need to Just Back Off. It is summer and Archer is going back to school soon. My daughter is almost five and imagine that, she has the summer off before kindergarten, when she will start school again (before Labor Day even) and resume her speech therapy. Quality time with mom and dad can be just as important as socializing and schedules!!

For Rebecca -- we often have a "recovery" day after a couple busy days or even before a trip so Lexi knows it is a day to relax, maybe just go to the library ...

And it is a hard age, I just went to our Six Flags today with a friend and her two, who are an almost 4 drama queen and a 2 year old drama queen junior. They were good overall, but totally different from my laid-back one. And it was hot walking around with everyone, that is for sure!! Plus I am about 20 weeks pregnant and had the whole am I ready for lugging around two fears myself today!!

Just a Friend clearly needs a new handle. (And the "too close to home" comment is just aggro and evil and wrong! May I be so bold as to suggest "Just a Frenemy"...sorry, shameless plug of sorts. :-)

BUT HERE'S THE REAL REASON FOR MY POST!

Bec: Having observed you and Archer first-hand, several times since you first became preggo with #2 in fact, I've not only been impressed with how independent Archer has become--but also with how close the two of you remain. I know the chaotic moments and tantrums probably feel even more pronounced right now, but I still see a boy who loves his mommy--not just as his protector and provider but very much as the person he likes to be with most.

I'm not discounting the way you're feeling about your relationship right now at all...just saying that, from where I'm sitting, you guys are doing great. Seriously. I've seen kids Archer's age go absolutely CRAZY ANTI-MOMMY when there's another baby due and, at least from what I've seen, you and the little man are still super-tight and will probably only become moreso after little F arrives!

XOXOXOXO

Ah, Kate -- thank you for your words. And Alexa? I love you. Adore you. Thank you.

Quick note to "just a friend"- I don't understand your logic at all. Clearly Archer and his mom are already very much bonded, so I don't see how there is any danger of "becoming more bonded" just by spending time together before the new baby. Kids get new siblings everyday and adjust well in many different ways. I don't get the feeling that Archer is some delicate hothouse flower whose tender psyche will be crushed if he spends some solid time with mom. At the most his routine is upside down, but kids survive that too. He's going to be fine. He has good parents who will see him through all of the changes with flying colors.

As for the what the school will and won't allow: parents are consumers of school systems and the schools do not dictate how we parent unless they suspect abuse, and that is hardly the case here.  

I am having the same issue with my son.  Pulled him out for "summer break" and suddenly I'm that bitch who's keeping him in lock up. We're still having fun and all, but he obviously wants more peer activity than we can do right now.

I've also heard that little boys go through a testosterone surge right around three.  Some worse than others.  And it certainly shows in the tantrums we've seen around here!

Well, by the time it's over it'll be a lesson well learned!

To Just a Friend: (aka Judgey Judgerson)

You should give your head a shake...how can you say that Rebecca shouldn't spend time with her son? Also, why do you care so much what someone else is doing? You made me so angry, I had to write something. We all read and support Rebecca and she was spilling her heart to us and then you have to shit all over it. I rarely say this, but i think i hate you.