Straight From the Bottle

I am a firm believer of picking your battles. Hair, is not a battle worth fighting. He has a sense of himself and that is freaking awesome. Not sure who the adult conversation was with, but they should mind their own beeswax.

you know, i think that you've got to be one of the coolest moms around. who cares if he wants to grow his hair long?! Is that really a battle worth fighting? I don't think so.

Just think of how confident he will be, and look how confident he is!

Long hair isn't going to hurt anyone.  Archer will look very rock and roll.

LOve it, we just had this convo at my house not long ago.  You know what i feel ya, it's his hair, let him do whatever he wants with it. Gotta choose your battles, b/c really what more important? Getting him a haircut or getting him to read every night before bed?  

That right there. Is exactly the parent I aspire to be.

he'll come around when he's ready.  My sister recently bribed my nephew for $10 to cut his hair-he agreed, but instantly regretted it once the money was gone.  

I LOVE ARCHER! :D

Perfect- you'll have someone to practice your french-braid-with-a-scrunchie skillz on for when Fable gets longer hair!

There are battles to pick. Some are important, others not so much. But he knows what he wants and that can't be a bad thing. What people forget is that, just because he is four, doesn't mean he can't be independent about this. Just because they are little, doesn't mean they shouldn't get a vote about how they look. My five year old won't let me cut her hair. She loves it long. She has no bangs and she doesn't like her hair in anything. Shrug.

although i'd rather my kids had different hairstyles, i let them do whatever they like with their hair. after all, it's just hair, right? it's not hurting anyone.

My boy goes to a school that doesn't allow hair past the collar, but he also likes his hair kept short, so...I'm not much help. I think Archer looks like a rock star right now!

I think Archer's hair rocks. Also, you're awesome to not push him on this. My mother was a bit of a micro-manager parent and pushed me on stuff and as a result, when I grew up I turned into someone who has poor self-control over certain indulgences I felt I was restricted on when I was kid. She was a lovely, amazing mother, but yeah. Let it be. He'll want to have it cut when he's ready to have it cut, and kudos to you for seeing that. :)

Its also much cheaper :)

I plan on letting my son wear his hair how he wants, as long as he can take care of it. Right now, we're in a little battle over The First Haircut. I have to admit, he's getting a little smidgen of a rat-tail, mullety sort of look, but his hair is fluffy and a little shaggy and is just sweet and I don't want to cut it at all! My husband wants to buzz-cut him. We've agreed on snipping off the rat-tail and leaving everything else as is for his first birthday pics. I just hope to hell he wants shaggy hair, because my husband has boring hair!

Who cares if his hair is long? As you said, it's *his* hair. You rock for not forcing the issue. Children should have the right to bodily integrity. The only time that's violated in our house is when there are medical issues that must be taken care of, and even then, we explain why, we stay there and we empathize with and validate the feelings of violation. I think it's part of the foundation that helps keep a child safe from people who would try to hurt them.

And he has such beautiful hair, it'd be a shame to cut any of it off. ;)

Yay, you are awesome.  I've had this same discussion.  Drives me nuts that other people care so much about a kid's hair.  It's HAIR!!

good for you!  seriously, it's HIS hair...who cares?  what happens when we start stripping our kiddos of their own little ways of expressing who they are?  i don't want to live in that boring-ass world!

His hair kicks ass.

He looks like a stud.

At Grow Kid Grow in Silverlake, they sell boy-rettes. Little clips with baseballs, robots, etc. on them. Maybe that can be a win-win for all of you!

I was wondering who these conversations were with. Who cares so much about the haircut to make such a big deal of it?

My little dudes hair is currently a little longer than Archer's and doesn't want it cut.  I can't imagine him with short hair and it doesn't bother me, but every once in a while someone will call him "she" or an older person will feel the need to tell me he NEEDS his hair cut.  *sigh*  If the boy wants "rockin' hair" (and I quote him there) what's a mama to do?  ;)

Let's see, Gus has hair that is longer than mine. halfway down his back and at this point I get irate and pissed at people's useless position on the matter of MY CHILD'S HAIR. It is hair for god's sake, who gives an f. A lot of people do apparently and you know, those that care are not those that I care about to know. I pick my battles- at least he doesn't go out naked like he wants to but its his hair- not mine and its not hurting anywhere and he loves it. freedom of expression!

P.S. who the hell said long hair is for girls anyway? pshhh..... rock on!

Good for him for not giving in just because that's what everyone else does! And good for him for not trading his gorgeous hair for a cupcake!

The first conversation is one I have had with my father in law - almost word for word!!!  Hence my son has longish hair.

Loved this post!

My future stepson loves his hair in a fohawk.  His dad gets it cut for him like that.  I think it's wonderful that they have enough confidence to refuse to do something all their friends are doing.

Asher's hair looks adorable. If he really likes it "the way it is", you could try making a deal with him. The current length is fine, but he needs to start getting trims so it doesn't get any longer.

My son (33 months) just decided that he didn't like the way his beautiful curly hair was tickling his ears, and decided to give himself a haircut with a pair of safety scissors. He took it to the close to the scalp in a couple spots, leaving me no choice but to buzz it. I couldn't bear to go full "Calliou" so I took the rest of it down to 3/4". Its patchy, but hopefully it will fill in by Christmas.  

oh i am laughing SO hard at this right now b/c almost word for word i have this convo with my 6yr old every few months.

i forced him to get a haircut for the first day of school this year b/c i just couldn't take the 'fro anymore but we're back on the growing train again and the child is deadset in his ways.

secretly i'm ok with it tho, i like that he has an opinion about how he looks and he gives me NO other arguments in regards to clothing,shoes,etc so i just let it be :)

As a salon owner I'm glad you have this conversation with your son before making an appointment and coming to the salon to argue about it there.

This is one of the reasons we don't do kids. It takes longer. They argue and then fidget.

Personally his hair looks cool, but you're the mum. If you want to change it - change it.

This is a test. Who's the leader in your pack!

If the carrot doesn't work - revoke privileges.

If that doesn't work you could feed him his fill of mcD and lace his oj with vodka and when he's out cold grab the clippers.

Just make sure you tuck him in real tight at be d time to avoid a half head shave if he wakes...

;-)

probably all for the best that i'm infertile cuz i'd have him in the barber chair before he knew what hit him!!  he's super adorable with it long....and I get giving choices and all... but there are times when it is appropriate to have "school hair".  you cannot imagine the struggle we just went through with my 24 year old step son who graduated college with long curly hair and started interveiwing for corporate jobs in NYC..... after hearing from a wide array of adult friends of ours that they would NOT hire him with shaggy hair, he finally acquiesed. Now he loves it short. But your guy is little... I know it's different.

I get it that some people are stuck on what "proper" boys and girls SHOULD be doing...namely old people or the people who do what they think other people want them to do or what is expected, making them FAKE.  Ugh.  I just hate it when people throw around the "boys have short hair" "women change diapers" "women don't work" and on and on when our CULTURE is changing and in our culture sense of self and making individual choices is what is acceptable.  The people who are to scared to stand on their own and make a choice that suits them are the ones that can't handle a boys hair being longer, but I say there shouldn't have to be a "right" boys haircut.  Archer is adorable and self assured, you are awesome for letting him be who he is regardless of the flack you get for it.

I just love how confident he is in his decision, how SURE of himself he is. I struggle to maintain that level of confidence at TWENTY EIGHT - this kid is way ahead of the game. And you kick so much ass for letting him rock the hair.

I had a similar conversation with my husband yesterday, but it was because I let my son (2) walk to my daughter's school wearing her tights under his shorts.  He insisted on wearing shorts and not pants, and I wanted him to be warm...so we were both happy!  Apparently, my husband just isn't laid-back enough to be satisfied with this solution...he'dve preferred I drag a yelling screaming and conventionally dressed boy to school with me.  Next time I won't tell him.....

It's just hair.  

Hair can be cut or grown or colored or colored back.  It's not like your kid wants a tattoo like mine does.  She's six.  She wants one like mine.  The girl has to wait until she's an adult...just like I did.  But her hair?  Who cares?

It's just hair.

I fucking HATE when strangers make comments about my son's hair.  SORRY he doesn't have Generic Boy Cut #43 - mind your goddamn business, thanks

I have a girl, for whom long hair is perfectly acceptable, and my mother-in-law STILL hassles me about getting her hair cut.  She has really fine, blonde hair and I've never cut it- it doesn't even reach her shoulders yet and she's 3.5.  It's taken her so long to grow it, and she likes it!  The best was when my MIL said I needed to cut it, and I said I didn't want to, and she said, "But then it wouldn't look so terrible all the time!"  Uhhh, thanks?  (For the record, I don't think it looks terrible. It's just little kid hair.)

Good for you for letting Archer decide.  He's only 4.  It's not going to impact his job prospects at this point.

Hair is NOT a battle one needs to fight--after all, there are sharp items involved, and if a kid doesn't want to participate, frankly, it's dangerous!

(We'd be pretty hypocritical in this household if we made our boys cut their hair short: mom's the one with short hair, and dad's hair is almost down to his butt.)

Love it! I get comments all that time that my tot needs a cut.  He's two, so for now, it's really my say, but even when I do get it cut I hover around making sure they don't cut off too much.  I like it shaggy and a bit long.  Until he says "Mama...I just want the standard issue boy cut" this is the way it will be.  I think part of it is sentiment...when he was born he had this head full of black long hair.  It stood straight up and I could immediately see his 2 cowlicks that are just like mine.  Even during his last sonogram the tech was all "whoah...look at all that hair!" it was swirling around...Anyway, love lil boys with long hair! Go Archer!

you have an amazing headstrong boy and from someone who has an amazing headstrong girl, you wouldn't have them any other way! this is not worth the fight. he knows who he is and that is awesome...sometimes frustrating...sometimes infuriating but overall awesome!

SOOOO agree.  Hair can be cut, not cut, colored purple.  I stated YEARS ago to my husband when his ex fought their daughter over purple highlights that I DO NOT CARE what our child ever does to her hair.  She can shave it all of and I won't care...unless she shaves it for a cult.  THEN, I would care.

He's gorgeous and confident and firm in his convictions.  Why would anyone want to change him?  Who is the jerk pressuring you like that?

Seriously his hair isn't that long, and he looks great (and it's all part of his Britpop icon persona).

As long as you have him cut it before it grows into the sheer ridiculousness -like, ankle length- that is Celine Dion's son though. But that's in a *large number of years*.

you're a good mommy.

Change "needs a haircut" to "needs to tuck in her undershirt" (my 13 yo leaves her undershirt showing out the bottom of her top) and this is the same conversation I have with my MIL everyday.

My son has the same attitude about his hair and I would TOTALLY let him grow it long . . .

IF he had not inherited his father's tendency for random corkscrew cowlicks coupled with a mixture of totally straight pieces and pieces with giant unruly 90-degree-turn waves. Once his hair gets past a certain length, it's like Harry Potter hair on steroids. It looks fine short and I keep thinking it would look nice long if he could get it to shoulder length, but once it gets past his ears parts of it literally start sticking out at right angles.

So I cut it, and then I feel all guilty like I'm caving into gender stereotypes and the Unsolicited Admonitions of Squares. But it's really just my desire to not have to spend an hour in the morning trying to make my kid's hair look presentable.

Been there, done that...from hair growing out, ponytails to Jamaican braids with beads. He was voted king of his prom while in ponytail. It's been white, yellow, orange and red. He is naturally a brunette.  We approached the hair issue like the earring in the ears issue.  When he doesn't like it anymore, it will be cut and it will be taken out.

Now 31, he is married, has a son and no earring or ponytail.

These are really only some issues of showing individuality and independence. Ones that are easily "fixed" when they are ready.

Rebecca, I just want to say that I think you're a really great mom.  You inspire me.

He's what? Four? And you've already lost control. Pretty soon he's going to look like Cousin It from the Addams Family. This is what comes from refusing to take responsibility and step up and parent. Parenting isn't only about dressing your kids up in cute clothes and playing with them it's about enforcing bedtime, making sure the kids eat a healthy diet and setting limits.

What are you going to do when he doesn't want to go to school? Or go to the dentist? It's not all finger painting and playing dress up. it's hard being a parent and sometimes your kids hate you but you do the mature thing and keep them healthy and safe. I'm sure his teachers aren't thrilled with him hiding behind his hair. If he can't see he's going to fall off his bike or fall down the stairs. Are you so invested in being a "fun" mommy that you can't risk making your child angry to do what's best for him?

Yes, you should take him for a trim to get the hair out of his eyes. Good children's barbers know how to deal with thrashing, crying kids. If you had had his hair trimmed routinely as a baby this would be no big deal but now he's digging in his heels and you're clueless about what to do next.

Umm, Alix...?  Go F yourself.  I'm sorry but I'm sick of the bullying.  Yes, parents bully their kids to do things that they want the kids to do.  And IMHO, that is WRONG.  No wonder kids today are bullies and are out of control.  It's because of how the parents treat them-with absolutely NO respect.  Children should be treated like equals.  Would you force your adult best friend to go to the barber and hold him down as the barber shaves his head???  Hell no!  So why do we treat our kids that way?  No wonder they don't respect us.  Bec is doing the right thing, letting Archer be his own person and not break his spirit.  I only wish more parents were like her.  You rock, Bec and Archer! =D

Good for you! Archer's spirit is strong and he knows who he is. Besides, where do you think he got it from?!!!! Congrats on such a great kid(s)!

Okay, what is the MATTER with you?  Not going to school would be harmful, in that it would adversely affect his education.  Not going to the dentist = dental problems.  What is long hair hurting?  (And when did Rebecca ever say that she took her position to be "fun?"  She clearly feels that this IS what's best for him, and who died and made you the sole arbiter of What's Good for Children?  Or what Parenting is About?)  If you've read for any length of time, you know that he eats healthily and does have limits -- just not the ones that you'd set with an iron fist.

You, Alix, are one of the nosy, judgmental, sanctimonious mothers that drive normal mothers crazy.  Holy crap, dude.

You might want to offer just to trim the front so that he can see better, growing out bangs is THE WORST, it tickles!

I agree with Alix to some degree. Children should not be treated as equals, they should be treated like children. Once they are 18 and adults, that's a different story. This being said, children should not always have the finaly say, so hopefully Archer doesn't get to have his way with everything.

It isn't square or uptight to consider that there are certain arenas in life when it is respectful to be neatly groomed--even at 4 years old.  School is one arena. I'd let him grow his hair or braid it or shave it over the summers but come school time, neat is respectful. All of this nonsense about him having a strong sense of self is nonsense....he is FOUR!!! He's testing plain and simple.

i understand the critics. i get where they are coming from but i see your point as well and i also think that this isn't a big deal to you. if you truly believed he "needed" a haircut for safety or hygiene you'd make him get one. the fact is that you aren't about that which is why he feels comfortable telling you no and why you feel comfortable saying okay when he says no (in this matter) so who cares?

there is a difference between expressing yourself and being bratty and i don't think he's being bratty and that's what the critics aren't getting.

We just had this discussion at my house.  Me: "When can we cut that hair?"  My five-year-old: "In a thousand years.  After that, every day."

Seriously Alix, what the hell?  What makes a parent want to be that overbearing and controlling?

Oh, come on, Alix!  Get over yourself.  Nowhere has Rebecca said or done anything that makes it seem she sets NO limits.  When a child's safety, well being, or moral character are in jeopardy, I have no doubt she would step in with boundaries.  But it's HAIR, for crying out loud.  I'm a teacher so I have some experience with kids whose parents run the spectrum from best friends to drill sergeants and I have to say, it's the parents somewhere in between who allow their children some individuality and autonomy that wind up with the least rebellious, happiest, most congenial kids of them all.  Parents who dictate every tiniest thing are just begging for rebellious kids who make poor choices to spite the parents and for bad relationships once the kids are adults.  It's not like Rebecca is letting Archer play in the streets alone at night because he feels like it.  It's not like she's allowing him to eat sugar every day and then not brush if he doesn't feel like it.  It's hair.  I repeat.  It's hair.  What's the big freaking deal?

Wow! Controversy! The funny thing is? I'm always surprised what ends up being controversial. Apparently this is one of those posts?

I'm not going to argue with angry people who think I'm too lenient because that's just silly. You don't know me or my children whatsoever so its moot. You know what you read here and on GGC and judge by the stories I think are interesting/funny/ridiculous enough to write about and that's fine with me.

I'm incredibly secure with my ability to parent and my kid's an incredible well-adjusted respectable, well-mannered bad-ass who understands and respects the rules that are worthy of abiding.

Video games? Not allowed in our house.

Treats before dinner? Hell no.

Talking back? Automatic timeout.

Hair? I could give two fucks.

The end.

Wow! Alix needs a chill pill yo! Anyway, my boy likes his locks long too. I was wondering what totally cool drag race strip does Arch man have there? I LOVE it! Can you create the tack?is it flexible? Where do I get one for my little can't see shit his hair is so long little guy?

:)

Wow, who knew bangs could cause such drama?

I totally agree with the "pick your battles" comment. From what I've read here and on GCC, Archer is a bright, sensitive, and kind young man, and that's what's important. What his hair looks like shouldn't make one bit of difference.

Both of my boys have long hair and I like it that way. They look cute. We recently moved to hickville and someone comments on it every day. I have no idea why strangers think it is any of their business? We do trim it when they can't see though because our ped recommended it when Eli had recurrent conjunctivitis. Caleb loves his long hair, but has gotten used to the trims because he trusts that we aren't going to chop it all off.  

I think it is important to give kids some control over their lives, it makes the battles over the necessary stuff so much easier. I let them pick their own clothes every day even when the color combos nearly blind me, they comb their own hair, and remember to brush their teeth and ask for their vitamins when I forget. A little independence, freedom, and self sufficiency is a GOOD thing.

He's adorable. Word of warning though.... my son decided he wanted to grow his hair longer in 8th grade.  I wasn't particularly worried and just said, "Ok, as long as you keep it neat"... which he has.  Well, now... it's 4 years later, he still keeps it relatively long-ish (shoulder) and he's having a hell of a time finding a job. Dressed neat, clean hair, clean shaven... it still gives the impression that he's a 'rebel'.  

I did suggest he think about cutting it a little shorter, he's not thrilled, but mom's money bank is running dry & he needs employment.  lol

Nooooo, don't cut it! I love his hair! It's just SO Archer, you know...

so most people agree that until it interferes with archer's job search he should be okay. whew, well he's got at least another year then thank god!

Go you Bec!  I have no children but when I do, I think I will take the "choose your battles" approach and remember a story my aunt told me regarding my cousin and his hair when he was young:

My cousin always had the shortest hair in his class.  Other mother's were always pestering my aunt about how she convinced this young pre-teen/teen to keep his hair so short and kempt.  My aunt's solution was single - her only rule was that his hair had to look groomed enough for school (he went to a private school with a moderate dress code but all that meant really was that it been brushed that day) but otherwise whatever he wanted was fine.  My cousin soon realized that if he kept his hair short, he did not have to brush it, ever, and it did not interfere with playing sports.  His brother had hair similar to Archer's and though my aunt preferred it shorter, as long as he followed the "groomed" rule, he got to do whatever he wanted.

Today?  Both are medical school graduates and the previously long-haired one has an MBA also.

I think Archer will survive with long hair.  Besides, maybe he's looking at his Dad and figures he should enjoy it while he can? ;)

Also I can't believe I didn't proofread and catch that errant apostrophe - and "single" should be simple.

I am wondering what an example of talking back from Archer would be, Rebecca? I ask because in scene 2 of above, Archer says some things that, in my family growing up, would have been taken as talking back ("No, I don't." "So." and "Fine!"). Not talking back would have been, the adult says something needs to occour, and that's it, the end.

I am sure the popular approach to interacting with kids in LA is quite different that in GA, where I grew up. There it seems more like "Children are equal to adults" rather than "Parents know best."

Given all that, I still had purple and green streaks in my hair in 7th grade (I remember teachers concerned that it would become a "distraction" to others). :-) Now my hair is pretty standard.

I don't have kids, but I love your blog and love reading about all these different perspectives and approaches to parenting, seeing the various things that each family places the most value on.

If he wants it long, that probably won't change.  My son has always wanted shaggy hair and at 11, it's still shaggy.  I do think you have to allow them a little freedom.  If it was a girl, people wouldn't even question their hair style choices, but the same freedom is not afforded to boys.  That sux.  I don't know what my poor son will do next year where the new school he'll be going to does not allow long hair for boys.  I guess they do have to conform at some point.  

Mine has been sporting a mohawk for most of the last year and a half.  The only thing about it that he hates?  All the comments..."cool hair dude" and so on.  I agree that it's hair, and as long as it isn't going to cause it all to fall out prematurely or cause you physical harm, I just don't care.  

Love long hair on boys.

You're doing a great job.

Hair is just hair.

I have 2 gingers and a towhead, all three boys with shaggy hair.  We've had really long hair (Eli's 1st haircut wasn't until he was 3--the next one was at 5 1/2), a mohawk, several incarnations of mullets, a "Flock-of-Seagulls" type deal (Gideon decided when I was half done, "Nope, that's it, no more haircut"), and Lukas has a giant blonde mass of curls.  When his hair is wet, it reaches to his shoulder blades, but when it's dry it's just giant King Buzzo hair.

Eli got to the point where his hair was just so hot and sweaty for him in the summer, so he wanted it cut.  But before that, if someone asked him if he was a girl, he would say, "No, I'm a boy and I like it!"  (I'm not sure if that means he likes being a boy, or if he likes long hair, but it was always funny to hear.)

Despite what the open-minded Miss Alix believes, despite my lack of demanding a hair cut (even though short hair is so much easier for me to deal with), my children still go to school, and eat vegetables, and get their shots, and all sorts of other unsavory things they would prefer not to do.  In fact, Eli, who is in 2nd grade, has only missed 4 days of school since kindergarten, thank you very much.

I think he looks like a beautiful open-minded child.  :-)

My mother let us grow our hair out as long as we could brush it and take care of it ourselves.  So as long as he is coming it out in the morning or night or once a week, then good for him.  Maybe get him a plain black bobbie pin to hold back the bangs when need be or point out that you have bangs yourself so the hair doesn't get in your eyes and ask if he wants his bangs trimmed.

My oldest, Dorian, is exactly the same way about his hair. He's had three hair cuts in his four years of life, and two of those were when he was very small. He repeatedly tells me that he doesn't want to cut his hair, so we struck a deal . . . he can keep it long as long as he lets us comb it and wash it. There was a point where he didn't let us even touch it, so guess what? We held him down while a very patient young man trimmed it. It wasn't even a proper cut, just trimming. Now he lets us comb it. :)

People think he's a girl most of the time, but really, it's flipping hair! Who cares? I grew up not being allowed to cut my hair and when I hit my rebellious stage, I shaved my head, shocked my dad, the neighbors and the little kids I nannied and my parents realized how utterly stupid it was to fight over something as simple as hair, so I'm just going to skip that whole drama with my sons. I'm sure we'll find plenty of other stuff to freak out about.

Good for him and good for you!  Picking battles: Key to parenting.  And sanity.

Wearing a seatbelt: worth picking.  Not putting one of those huge loops in his ear that'll stretch it out and it'll never be normal again: worth picking.  Hair: Nah.

my youngest brother went through the same stage at about the same age. So my parents just let him grow his beautiful curly locks until they'd reached his shoulders. At that point some of the girls in his class said he looked like a girl so he came home and said he wanted it cut off and that was that. He's now 19 and has gone through phases of wearing it shaved really  short but he's now wearing it in a gorgeously scruffy afro. He's incredibly confident, has fantastic style and isn't afraid to take advice from girls.

Hair shouldn't be an argument... it's his and if he wants it long, then so be it. My son has almost always had his hair long and the two times we caved to pressure from outside forces and cut it, the people that really know my son would comment that he was unrecognizable and just "not the same" with short hair!

I have one rule about his hair growing long... he has to take care of it and that means brushing it in the morning and before bed. He does it. He has even figured out (he's  7 so it might take Archer a while) that brushing it himself doesn't hurt as much. My son also wears a lot of hats so it doesn't get so knotty!