Straight From the Bottle

Been there, done that.  Well, except for the whole environmental part.

Our number 3 is turning one in July.  We had all the same concerns and had decided that we were going to stick with 2, then one wild night...SURPRISE!!! I was worried, but 10 months later things are falling into place.  

We are still making only 1/5 of what were only 3 short years ago, but I have a plan.  And the husband has a plan in place to make more money, which might be easier being self-employed.  Or not.  

As for private school, take it from someone whose kids go from pre-school to high school, start saving now.  Even if number 3 is just a pipe dream.  I learned from not saving for my first.  Wised up and started saving when number 2 was born and the same for number 3.  Helps a lot.  

All I can say for the environmental part is, OY! :) And that comes from a Catholic who has no problem populating the world. ;)  (Note: I decided for my sanity and our financial security to do the little snip, snip so no number 4.  Although, sometimes...)

We are in the same boat with our first.  My husband is in nursing school, and I am working, but we want him to be done with school and working so I can stay home.  And yet that desire to create and meet this little person that I already  love and adore beyond words just keeps getting bigger and bigger.  There are also concerns that this could be a long process for us.  Therefore, I completely understand changing your mind 20 times in a 10-minute span.

Pulling the goalie might be easier if we knew how many minutes were left in the game.

Coming from 1 of 3, I always wanted at least 4, no more than 6 kids. Yet, here I sit, (almost) six years in trying for #1. I still don't only want 1, 2, or 3 kids. I still want at least 4 kids.

De-Lurking to say I had the same experience, the very same. I felt shame at the environmental degredation and guilt from wanting more when I had two beautiful healthy kids but just could not fight this overwhelming feeling that there was someone waiting for us out there. And then my Grandmother died and one of the last things did was ask me if I would have any more kids. I said no, it is irresponsible of me, it is better financially and all the logical things. And then she looked at her fourth child, my dad, with such love and tenderness and said that is smart but you never know what you'll get in return and I've never regretted it. After her funeral I was looking through her albums and she had all these pictures of babies, family babies and ones just cut out from random magazines and newspapers,tucked in between the pages and they were raining down on my lap like a sign. I went home and immediately got pregnant. And she was right, I've never regretted it.

That being said have three under 6 is an ass-kicker. It stretches you thin, it is exhausting. There is frequently chaos. But most days it is still a joyful way of being. And now that my brood is playing together cooperatively its thrilling and wonderful. I love my family, and I think if you make this leap you will too.

Have you ever thought that maybe that baby you have been longing for has been longing for you already?  And by that I mean adoption. I mean sure it's not really going along the lines of the Jew bloodline BUT you'd be helping one less child out of an orphanage. You'd be taking someone in, instead of bringing someone out into this already populated world. You'd also have the 5th member you guys are all wanting. You'd be a blessing to them, and he/she could be a blessing for you and your family.

opposite-ville...

we planned on 4. we have 2. and oh, but i feel so done with having children.

mine are close together-- 17 months-- because after annaliese was born, i didn't feel done. and so then came caspian. and they are blessings and joys and we're not even really worried about the money thing (yay corporate world!) but i have no sense that there's another baby out there for us. maybe i'll feel differently in a few years, but i wouldn't be surprised if I didn't.

now if only i can get my husband to agree with me...

Have at it! You know what? I am only having one, so you can have mine for me! The fact that you are so crazy about your kids, and you and your family sound amazing, means you would be doing the RIGHT thing by bringing another kid in the world. Honestly. We need more like you guys around. More moms like you, more dads like Hal, and more gorgeous, well-rounded kids like Fable and Archer. GO FOR IT!

We had always planned to have at least three. My pregnancy with him was my easiest. He is the happiest, easy going child ever. I can't imagine life without him. While there are some financial changes, emotionally it's SO much easier to go from two to three than it was to go from one to two. You know how to multi task. You KNOW you have enough love to go around. And even with the money, you find a way to make it work.

It's okay to populate the world with cool people. I absolve you from that one. Now go have a third kid!

My husband and I aren't having kids. You can one of our two slots.  I'll send a note to your parents.

wow never thought of how i'm hurting the world with my 3 kids! i vote for having as many kids as YOU like. for me, i like 2. yes, i have 3. maybe i should've stopped at 1. kids are annoying. hahahahaha!!! enjoy making those babies!

Well in response to your "environmental strain" concern: I am only having one child per my soon-to-be-hubby's demand, and that one child wil be adopted. So you can tell the skeptics that my not bringing any additional people into the world cancels out your third child (environmentally speaking.) The logic is totally legit. Go me! Hahaha. I'd love to have three, but my boyfriend didn't even want one for the first 7 years of our relationship, so I'm totally satisfied with one.

To recap:

Skeptics: "But having a third is environmentally irresponsible!"

Rebecca: "No, it's totally cool, one of my readers in New Jersey gave me her 'Make-A-Baby' voucher, so we're square."

My serious response is that I feel you and Hal will handle a third blessing beautifully, and if you feel your family isn't done? It isn't done. Who knows, your third could be the person who solves all of the world's environmental problems. He/she could save the world.

We have two a girl and a boy. There are times where I wish my daughter had a sister or my son had a brother because I am so close to my siblings and love having and being a sister. But two is perfect for us. My daughter was three and a half when my son was born and got plenty mommy and daddy time so she didnt have to grow up and be a big sister to fast. I like that we can do one on one time with each kid and no one is ever left out. I have two hands one for each kid to hold. I came from a family of four and never got one on one time so I am sure that is why I am happy to have two. My kids are perfect and healthy.I also don't want to tempt fate. There are times where I wish mine were small again but Its amazing to watch them grow.

Oh for goodness sakes, do it.  I was one of those planners.  We needed X amount of income.  We needed to do X, Y, and Z before having kids.  Needed a house.  Career.  You know what?  We got all that and lost all that and the only thing to come of it all is a beautiful beautiful girl.  My only regret in life is waiting to have a child.  I would totally have more if I was younger. You are beautiful parents and this child out there waiting to be born is going to be so lucky.

I'm with Ashley: "who knows, your third could be the person who solves all of the world's environmental problems. He/she could save the world.:

Those who should be worried about contributing to the over-population "problem" are those who suck as parents. I've been reading your blog long enough to know that you and Hal are NOT those people. So have at it. You'd be robbing the world of another amazing human being if you didn't.

-Note, I use this same reasoning when it comes to this discussion at our house =0)

Hey there. I know how you feel about living in Hollywood. I remember reading your post about finding a kindergarten for Archer, and how leaving the city was NOT an option for your family. I get it.

Starting in 1988, I was raised in North Orange County, land of hummers and jesus. My parents were bibliophiles, literary nerds, and attended a hindu temple in Trabuco Canyon every sunday instead of the evangelical church that all of my classmates attended. I never paid attention to the monks' lectures. I instead bowed my head and internalized the holy gospel of Kristy, Mallory, Stacey, Dawn and Claudia.

Anyway, what I took from those sundays is what my mother would tell me when we walked through the gates or when I came home crying because my best friend told me I would go to hell for not believing in god..."it doesn't matter if your classmates tell you you're evil, or if their moms all stay home, or they all drive ford windstar minivans and we drive a hatchback. the most important thing is that you always be nice to people and don't judge them. just love everybody."

And then we would go home to our little house in the orange county suburb 4 blocks from Richard Nixon's birthplace...our cookie cutter 1964 ranch that looked just like every other mid-century box on the block. INSIDE that house is where the real important stuff happened...my parents had far more influence over me than than my peers did.

I live in Oakland now and feel like everything turned out pretty ok. Will I raise my kids here? Man oh man, I wish I could. I just don't know if that's going to happen because I can't afford private school. It might be time to reconsider those cookie cutter boxes over yonder.

I always hear older people say that they wish they had had more kids, not fewer. It'll be hard in the short term, but it's a bigger safety net that at least one of your kids will make enough money to spring for the nice nursing home.

I say (for what it's worth) GO FOR IT!

I absolutely had the *same* feelings and thoughts as soon as our second was born. And I thought I was insane for thinking that way. I mean, moments after giving birth, after a week of the most excruciating pain I have ever known, I was like, "Yeah. We need to do this one more time. This family is not complete."

It's tough. We have fears about never moving out of our already-too-small house, and all of the small freedoms we have shrinking even further. But there is still this nagging thing in me that thinks there is another person that will make this family complete. I feel ya!

Go for the third kid.  You wouldn't regret having it, and you may always regret not trying.  

(And I have three--it's not that different from two.  Remember, Archer and Fable will be that much older by the time he/she gets here, and that will help considerably.)

I was the middle of three girls and, as a little girl, I loved it. Then as a teenager/young adult, I vowed that I would NEVER have three kids. I had some serious middle child syndrome in middle school (okay, and now, too) and I always felt like I was being ganged up on. Perhaps that's an all-girls thing, but I knew that I never wanted to put one of my children in that position. But now, as an adult and a new mother (to my 5 month old daughter), I can't help but think about all of the wonderful things that came of being one of three. I loved being part of a crew; it felt so much more fun/important/crazy as a trio rather than a duo. So I still don't know if having three is for me, but I do know that I ended up with mostly really positive feelings about being one of three.

By  not having more children you're preventing the Messiah from coming. If you really consider yourself a Jew you must have more children. Lots more.

Okay, I have concocted a magical formula:

If you get pregnant with your third, it is 70% possible that I will *finally* get pregnant with the second that I really really really really really want.

So, please get pregnant.  Pronto, you hear me?  :-)

To clarify my rambling post about north orange county hindu temples............

I think you and Hal SHOULD have a third baby because the world can always use another bright, amazing, person, but maybe it would be more affordable to do so if you move to the boring-ass suburbs.

I've had the same struggles and it's ridiculous! I think we can then to overthink things. However, I am almost 40, with a 2 year-old and a 6-year-old and I really don't want to go through a whole pregnancy and the first 2 years of life again! We just started skiiing (well, 3 of us did) and it's great to get out of the house and start doing fun things again!

Also, since I'm older I worry about all the complications (already had 2 C-sections). Plus, I did worry a lot about all the logistical things: how will they all fit in a car? How can we travel as a party of 5, the $$$$... so I think we're good as a healthy, happy foursome!

Good luck to you!

You know, if those southern-dwelling, creationist, Bible-thumping families can churn out heaps and gobs of kids, you, the kick-ass LA-dwelling artist/writer, can have three.

My husband and I also believed we only wanted two children. Then baby number two was born and I just felt sad. I didn't enjoy her for the first few weeks of her life because all I could think of is the fact that this was the last time we would ever have a two week old, three week old, etc. I finally told my husband what was bothering me and he felt relieved because he felt the same way too. We just kind of knew that there was more out there for us. When I finally let go and accepted this I let myself enjoy our second.

Now about three years later and I had our third child two months ago. When he was born it was different than when our middle (not second child anymore) child was born. It didn't tear me up inside to think that this was the last time we would be passing this milestone. That's how I knew we were done having kids. My husband felt it too.

I am so glad that we decided to have a third. He completes us in so many ways. I was scared that he wouldn't "fit it" with our family but (as usual) my fears were unnecessary. He fits us like a glove, like a specially made glove just for our family's hand. It's just right that he's here. He is ment to be here with our family. Just like his two older siblings. It's just right.

Deciding for three was difficult but no matter what choice you make it will be the right choice. Because no one knows better than you or Hal.

Children are fantastic little beings and no matter how they are brought into this world and no matter on what basis they are brought into this world they bring joy to someone. In Archer and Fable's cases they bring joy to many. I can probably vouch for loads of your blog readers that we would love to see you stumble into threehood. It's fantastic over here. Won't you join?

I was an oldest of 3, and was witness to all the 2 vs 1 fights possible. As a result, I've always resolved that I would have either 2 or 4 kids.... never 3.

For years before we ever started our family, I resolved we'd stop at 2, then move on to 4 if we ever had a whoopsie 3. Now that I have 1, I am thinking more and more about just going whole hog to 4...

I always felt like our family wasn't complete, like I just knew we were meant for more, when we had just two. And I admit recently I was certain that we should have more than the four we have now, but as time as passed, and I've felt a contentment I've never experienced, I think we just might be done. Who knows with us, though- I am so grateful for the children I do have, and I like being able to at least talk about it without feeling silly or guilty, no matter what we decide.

I love coming up with names, too, and another sign that I think I'm done is that I am offering them up as suggestions to pregnant friends (something I would have never done before because I would be saving those names for myself!)

Steph

Dude Becs, the environmental argument just doesn't hold water for me. Seriously, do you recycle? Do you turn the water off while you brush your teeth? Do you use a water bottle instead of constantly buying bottled water? Do you try to minimize your driving/walk where possible? Do you eat grassfed meat or not at all? (I know the answer to this but hang with me here.) Some people don't do any of these things, plus they drive stretch hummers and invest in BP.

Look, I know we can't measure our contribution to the world by comparing it to what others don't do, but in my opinion, there are a million different ways to save the world. More environmentally friendly things to do than any one person could do in a lifetime. Because humans are harming the environment faster and in more ways than we can possible count. So we do what we can. Everyone is responsible for doing their part to the extent that they can, but we can't do it all. We can't live a completely carbon footprint-less life.

So don't beat yourself up about adding another beautiful, creative, well-loved being to the world. Because we sure need more of those. Or maybe I selfishly love to read about your beautifully documented life. But instead of holding back on the baby front, maybe try installing a compost heap or installing some solar panels to offset the damage. Or at least offset your guilt!

I remember when you told us about that first wave of, "Oh, we need a third!" I remember laughing out loud, because that was such a great, life-affirming thought!

We have one. He's one in two weeks, and we have a plan for the second: get preggo this fall and hopefully have another summer baby. We want a big family (we're thinking at least four, no more than six, probably five) and we want to adopt, but I know I want this next baby biologically. I want to be pregnant again and I want to do it while I'm still young (I'm 26).

Two night ago my husband suggested that we just adopt all the rest after this one and I nearly burst out crying. I just couldn't fathom the idea of this next pregnancy being my last one. I know I want at least three biologically and then we can adopt one or two.

I don't know, all this talk about overpopulation: I'm really, really not convinced. I think parenthood is based so much on instinct, and I think that this desire to have more or stop having them is part of the way God created us. And I agree with the above commenters who said that people more often regret not having had the baby than having had it. As a sibling of two, one of whom was a surprise baby girl seven years younger than I, I say GO FOR IT.

Delurking to jump in on this one.

As an Environmental Studies & Geography major, who has spent years listening to population debates, I just wanted to say that there are many perspectives on this issue!

The world population problems are primarily due to geographic distribution issues, and lack of support for family planning education. In developed nations, the population dynamics are complex, and we need the support of new generations of thinkers and workers.

If you are able to add another to your family, and teach them to love their planet, and care about the other people on it (which I believe you will), then go for it! Make your family so that it feels right.

Have a third! What are you even waiting for? As I see it, the idiots of the world (or at least this part of it) do most of the breeding, and if smart responsible people like you don't knock out as many smart responsible kids as possible we're all doomed. Maybe your baby #3 will be the supergenius who solves the environmental crisis.

It's a really individual choice, I know, but if you're really concerned about overpopulation and its ramifications, then take care of one of the many children already here and adopt! There are so many amazing kids out there who are legally free for adoption. Instead of making another human, help one that's already here.

Hi Rebecca,

My sister has three kids and she loves it! She always said after her second child was born that she felt like someone was missing. The family wasn't finished. I think it's a really personal decision. My brother in law and his wife have three also, another surprise baby. I must say, she's so awesome. So is my other niece.

I think the overpopulation concerns are a little bit overwrought. I know so many childless-by-choice couples (including my sisters-in-law) I feel like I can, even should, have more than two to make up for their not reproducing.

If you raise kids to be environmentally conscious and not hyper-consumerists, I think they can do more good than harm. It's silly because it's not "natural" to limit kids so severely based on that and not actual desired family size, yet people use the natural environment as an excuse. I mean, I'm a HUGE environmentalist, but I think if you raise kid's right, it's not an issue. The issue lays in the big/thoughtless consumers or the impoverished, low-tech areas. Especially things like breastfeeding and cloth diapering with an HE washer, really minimize the footprint & the cost of new people while they are infants. My kid is 6 months old and we've only spent about 200$ on him, almost exclusively on cute cloth diapers!

I agree with the people who have suggested that adding another environmentally-conscious person to the world might in the long run help the environment instead of contributing to more problems

I'll never understand the need for more than one but it doesn't mean I would ever judge for having more. I figure if they can feed them, be with them, love them, clothe them, educate them and support them fiancially without depending on someone else- go for it! The world could use smart and loving people! That said I refuse to live beyond my means and have finances be always constricting just because of something I think I need. I see people do that a lot and it makes me so sad that they couldn't just be happy with what they've got. All that said we go back and forth with another child- there is nothing stopping us at this point other than our own selves. I like having my body be mine and I like the comfort of getting up and going anywhere at anytime with just my one. I love being home and home schooling my one and being able to give him all of me. I'm 32 so I have a good 3 years left to see where life takes us. Good luck!

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother. My husband and I talked about it extensively before we got married... about how we'd wait about three years before we started trying... we've been married almost 6 years, and late last year he told me he doesn't know if he wants kids anymore. So.. have at it.. have more babies. Have babies for the people who want them and can't (or won't) have them.

Your IUD was itching to come out. Clearly, all signs point to Baby.

I felt like you were taking thoughts right out of my head! (aside from the family pressure to stay at 2, which we've never experienced) everything else has been going on at our house lately. We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I'm hankering for one more. I have the same feeling, like we aren't a complete family yet and I've been fantasizing about baby names lately. It is a very similar feeling that I had about our 2nd child...I had settled on her name before we even got pregnant. I just knew she was out there and her name and as soon as I got pregnant I knew it was her. Sounds weird but it's so true. And here she is today, 13.5 months old and very much the little girl I dreamed of, name and all!

So, go for it! We're going to be doing the same here, too! Good luck!

My husband and I are going through that same exact debate.  We have 2 beautiful healthy children but we both know in our hearts we aren't done.  We want our third.  On this end it's the finances.  I've lost hours at work due to the recession.  So I'm working on finding a second part time job or a replacement new full time job.  Once I do and I've been in it for 3 months, (FML act coverage) I have the feeling it'll be baby making time.

My advice to you: Get finances squared away and then go for it.  You have to follow your heart and your heart knows you aren't done.

I have two but I want a third. Just got the Mirena out. I want the third mainly because I love children but also because my kids will likely have no cousins. Same-aged family is powerful. If I'd started having children younger (I'm 35), I'd probably want four. But I do have the environmental guilt. Also I find the "but you're a responsible parent/person" argument off-putting. I can't quite put my finger on it: arrogance? self-righteousness? classism?

I am so the wrong person to weigh in on this. I'm one of four. Mom is one of 8. Dad is one of 7. Grandma was one of 22. Yeahhhhh. I love every minute of it though. If my parents could afford to they'd have had more! I've been watching videos of my childhood lately and they are HILARIOUS. Cousins, siblings, parents, aunts and uncles galore. I can't imagine if it had only been myself and my older brother. I would have missed out on so much.

I want to have a few and then I'll adopt some more.

Lylas would be a nice name...

We just had our third, three months ago.  Like you, we had a boy and a girl.  And for a few years, we were done.  Until one day, we weren't.  It was a Tuesday, actually, that we decided to start 'trying'.  

Two days later, I found out I already was.

And honestly?  Three is no harder than two.  At ALL.  For me, going from 1 to 2 was really difficult.  Going from 2 to 3?  Kind of nothing.  A bare blip.  And she's had a difficult start (in the hospital at 4 days old to be diagnosed with epilepsy and other blah blah crap).  Even so, I found the third one to be so easy.  Maybe because it feels right.  Finished, as it were.

also Swistle (mom to 5) has a couple of great posts  about family size and spacing.

It's never the "right" time. If it happens, you play what is dealt. I know that doesn't sound very "responsible", but my dear sweet loving H (and I'm not being sarcastic) said, "Let's see what happens" and it is now too late. I was 39 when our Surprise was born, and I have made my peace that there won't be any more. Part of me still wishes desperately that another surprise was in the offing. Don't plan so much that you get stuck in the planning.

A very important person to me said that if you wait for the perfect time to have a child, you'll never have one.

The fact that you and Hal are even having these conversations means you're both ready.  Start trying, now.  Believe me, your heart and body knows when you're done.  As soon as my second beautiful baby came out, I said out loud...I'm done.

Good luck and keep us posted!  I'm excited for you and hope to see you with a bump and hear all about heartburn soon...xoxo

Thank you for writing this, we also have 2 and I've felt the same way since giving birth to our #2, a boy for us. Our girl is first ... and I cannot let it go. I want to so badly for all the X,Y,Z planning purposes but I can't. What helped me finally, because my oldest talks about this next child like she (yes, she) is already here. There's a name we've thrown around and then all of a sudden, without telling her - she's calling this fantom child the EXACT name. Says she dreams about her baby sister and that she tells her it's time to come home now, she wants to come home.

Heart Breaking.

So finally I asked my husband what was holding us back, besides the XYZ of course and he had the best response possible - She'll come when the time is right.

Since then I've been able to calm my shit down. It's not a No, for us, it's just Not Right Now, Maybe Not Ever. And I can live with that.

Our baby is 2 - our kids are 3 1/2 yrs apart and I'm totally fine with having a trailer if that's how it works out in 3 or 4 more years. Then again, 2011 is just fine too :)

The 3rd seems to always be an oopsy baby, I was just coming to terms with the fact that 2 is a nice number of children when HELLO youre going to have 3 kids!

And if you wait until you are finacially stable to have children you will never have more children.

If you *know* there is one more out there for you, just go on living your life and one day that 3rd will pop out in the form of 2 lines when he or she is ready!

A third is hard, no doubt, especially the first year. The noise quotient increases exponentially, the youngest child suddenly becomes the middle child, and everyone vies for attention. You are, indeed, outnumbered.

But our third, aged 14 months, is so friggin' amazing. I am so completely in love with him. His dad and older sisters are, as well. I ask myself daily, were we really a fmaily before he was born? Did we really exist?

Go for it. We hemmed and hawed for years and I think all along we knew we were going to do it. And I'm so glad we did.

if you want more kids DO NOT look to this blog!! i repeat... DO NOT look at this blog....

ashleyannphotography.com/blog

this woman has four beautiful kids.  and seems to have one hell of a time with them!  and i mean that in a good way.

I was so there. I just felt... not done. Not done at all. We had a boy, we had a girl, we had the three bedroom house and lived comfortably and fit nicely when we went out to dinner and it all felt so...

neat.

Too neat. We lacked chaos. We lacked David, our third. I worried and fretted for three years about whether or not we would have another, and I am so, so glad we did. It changed everything (I became a SAHM, etc) but in the end it was change for the very best reasons of all.

No, not reasons. Because there was no logic. There was no logical reason to have another. I just felt him in my heart, waiting for us to bring him home. And since he came to stay, I have never wanted another. We are complete.

Ask yourself how you'll feel in 10 years.  Relieved you have the two?  Or so wishful there were one more to love?  What can you live with?  

Remove the worries: worry about money, worry about exhaustion, worry about overpopulation.  And then, how do you feel?  We were trying for #2 and ended up with TRIPLETS (naturally).  I was a mess when we found out.  Now I have four kiddos under 5 years old.  My triplets are three.  

I cannot imagine my life without them.  

All my fears - all my worries - now seem so small, so frail, so irrelevant, compared to all the love they have shown & given me.  

I'm an only child, am pretty green, but I really want a big family.  Not sideshow big, but a house filled with food and music and books and art and animals and children.  It's greener to read on a Kindle, buy music exclusively digitally as opposed to newly pressed vinyl and all of that, but I can't tread that far into the waters.  I think that print media and real, actual, hardcover books are important, and their tradition should be kept alive.  There are certain things that can't be forced into black and white and rules certainly have to be bent for preservation's sake.

In my case, I think (hope, delude myself into believing) that my children won't be part of the problem but contribute to the solution, genuinely make the world a better place.  Plus, after further thought, I'm pretty sure that three of your children would not consume nearly as much as one of their Hummer driving, bottled water tossing, global warming disbelieving counterparts.    

You crack me up.  My fiance and I struggle over adding a second constantly and many of the reasons you named have come up for us, too.  Mainly I feel okay if we don't add a second child...except for when I don't.  :P

Go for it! My number three is only 2 months old, but so far it has been the easiest transition. What's one more when you already have no free time or money? Plus, you have all the stuff you need, including boy and girl clothes. And my third labor was the easiest by far as well. It is fun to be so relaxed about a baby. Not much can make us anxious at this point. I understand the environmental argument against third children, but I also think that the world can't get enough good people. And you two make good people. So I say do it.

I'm the youngest of seven, and I have to say, being raised in a big family is the best thing in the world. But - I don't know any different so, what do I know?! Now that I have one child - I cannot IMAGINE having more than two. I don't know how my parents did it. But if you are one of those people who loves being a mom and loves your children so much you want more - what's better than that? Go for it. Gut feelings are there for a reason. When my fiance and I broke up, I had the wierdest feeling - like, hmm, that's odd I could have sworn he was going to be the father of my children. I just knew it, I don't know why. And years later, we are married and he's my baby daddy! So if you know your little third one is out there, bring him/her into your family! The world is so ending no matter what we do anyway. that is one crisis that is just unavoidable :)

You should totally go for number three!  You and Hal make beautiful, loving, and intelligent children.  I completely understand and respect your environmental thoughtfulness, and I believe you'll raise all of your kids to be stewards of this planet. Now go make a baby! (And pray you don't get twins!)

I admit it - we have one child, and I sometimes dream about possibly having a second, but the environmental thing really bugs me.  I mean, if everyone has three or four or five kids, and their kids all have multiple kids, and lifespans around the world keep increasing due to better medicine, hygeine, etc., then our great-grandkids might never get to see a tree that's not in a national park.  That scares me.  It's not a matter of money.  It's a matter of natural resources and space, you know?  

We were having this same conversation after our first was born. Both of us were concerned with doing the environmentally sound thing as far a procreation goes, but in the end we decided on one more. And we ended up with twins! Ha ha, just fair warning that it happens, and you should take that into consideration as well :) Not that I would take it back, or do it all over again in a heartbeat!

We're living the same life - except I'm on the East Coat and 35.  Be glad that you've got PLENTY of time and there's really no rush.  I think you've mentally jumped off the diving board into the pool of wanting three & this environmental argument is just a way for you to try to get back on the diving board.  But it ain't happening.  You've already jumped.  So know that you'll have three and know that the time & baby will come when it's right.  Just relax a little bit and be glad that you're not forced to make any decisions right away. :-)  Loved the comments on this one too!  

Go for it.

Seriously, it's your life. People can put in their opinions all day long, but it really comes down to fulfilling your family's needs. It sounds like your family needs Number 3 to be completely whole. Forget being Environmentally Friendly enough for everyone and their mother. Whether you decide to try again or adopt-- quit thinking and just do! :)

You make the most beautiful babies ever! And THAT will save the world for sure!  

One person can help millions. Why assume that your kid will be a taker? Raise them to be givers and they might end up saving and helping and giving a heck of a lot more than they consume. That's some Torah for ya.

It sounds like you've already made the decision in your heart, but your head is still catching up.  

;-)

I agree with Angelina, and sympathize with you and Jody!  After having twins for my first (unplanned) pregnancy my husband and I entered into the megga planning phase while considering a possible third... I can take this much time off of work, he needs a job that brings in this much, if we downsize we can make this work by this time... And then, POW, a year later, pregnant with twins AGAIN!  NOT in the time frame, not in the financial scheme - but when is the time ever perfect?  I am due in a month and every night I just pray for both of my new babes to be delivered safely to all of us.  I simply cannot imagine not having four (after 8 months for my head to catch up!)  So I resigned from my 8 year art teaching position, the small car is being traded in for the most eco-friendly mini-van we can find that will still accommodate 4 car seats, we have tightened every expense that we can, and I have mastered the polite rebuttal to all those who say "What were you two thinking?!".  In the end, it is no ones decision but yours and Hals - You're not asking anyone to hang a funky/amazing painting on the wall over their couch, you're just asking that they don't take it off your wall.  A child raised with love is never a wrong decision.   Follow your heart and you'll never go wrong!  Best wishes to all four (five!) of you!

Delurking to say...our third just turned one month yesterday, and I highly highly recommend it!  Our son is 6 1/2 and little girl is 3 1/2 and this baby boy has been a big dose of happiness for all of us.  When we had our daughter, everyone said, oh great - you can stop - as if it was a task to complete.  But I always felt when I looked in the rearview that there should be someone else in the backseat.  Like lots of folks, we need more money, are living in a too-small house in order to be in a good school district, etc., but even as I type all that, it looks like what it is is:  just details.  There's something magic about three, IMHO.  

Thanks for a great blog that's something worth reading every time you post!!

wow, did you ever think this post would get so many comments!!ha ha .. huge topic!

My husband had two kids when we married, they were 2 & 4 (they are 17 and 19 now yikes!).  So, he was pretty adament about only having one more (between us).  I really wanted two.  Well, we now have our beautiful son, he is 9 yrs old.  I tried and tried (with two miscarriages) to make him a sibling, but was 38 at my first mc.  I'm very very happy now though.  I would have loved him to have his only biological sibling, but of course he has his older step-siblings (we don't call them steps though they are simply his brother and sister).  I'm happy because, my career of 16 yrs is coming to a grinding halt in 16 days.  I am finally going to have a summer off in 20 yrs - and he and I are going to spend it playing tennis, hanging  on the beach, field trips, play dates for him - I cannot even imagine doing this 'summer off' thing with 3 kids - I think that would be more of an exhaustion thing.  So, just remember that in the blink of an eye life can change, dynamics can change.  Now, Becca - with all that I have just said, if I could have a baby in my arms right now, today, I would in a heartbeat!!! So I say, stop all your chatting about this with your hubby and go for it.  See where it takes you.  Maybe you can't get pregnant, maybe you'll have twins .. you know what? this life if for living, and we only have ONE shot! So, no regrets - just GO FOR IT!!!

Meh...see, we're a couple of engineers (translation: we plan every bloody detail of every bloody thing to the nth degree and then some).  And we're also proof-positive that you can plan all you like as far as makin' babes, and well, sometimes some higher power just reads your plans and busts up laughing.  Our first one took two years to make.  Our second?  We weren't trying.  We were actively preventing, come to think of it.  And here we are, clock ticking til August, ready to board the 2 under 2 train :-).  

Oh, and my pat answer for anyone who has asked what we were thinking (about having 2 so close together, although it could apply to SO many applications)..."we weren't.  We were doin' it.  Duuuuh."  (Note: not the best answer to give someone in Grandma's generation if you suspect it would offend their sensibilities.  But still, some of those I've actually responded to this with deserved it!)

to avoid the guilt of over populating you could adopt!

I know thats a whole 'nother can O' worms and more expensive and just not the same as having your own....but its an idea to maybe mull over:)

happy baby making!

Oh how I love this post.

I'll tell you what I know...a third child is more work. But hi, two is more work than one and so on. However? No amount of planning makes any difference. If there is one more baby waiting and you all feel that way? Then you all have room in your heart for that baby.

I've got three. My girls are 8 and almost 6 and my son is 20 months. Born within what, a week of Fable? His bday is Sept. 25th. Anyway, it changed the dynamics completely. Not in a bad way though. I watch my girls with him and I just know having him was the best decision ever.

Oh no, bring up a topic like this and you can be sure it will go crazy. I guess it's because this 'craving' we can have for children is so hard to explain, and the fact that not every women has these feelings make it hard to find someone who does.

As a teenager I always thought I would want two. Then at 27, when I woke up one day, wanting to have them N-O-W, I felt that three or four is going to be my number. Thing is, I've not been very fertile for the last two years, so I'm still left hoping that any day now it will happen. I guess for about a year, I've been feeling their presence as well, which is still getting stronger each day. Now that is something I don't splurt out at every party. A bit too spiritual meaby?

I think every person/family is different. And what's perfect for them does not have to be perfect for another.  

I have never heard of this whole enviromental dilemma, but then again,I am not making babies (yet). And what if adorable GGC baby #3 grows up to solve global warming? Take that, environmental impact argument!

Dooooo iiiiitt!!!!!

I've given up on thinking logic has anything to do with it.  And I've decided there's never a 'right' time.  By all accounts, my husband and I are 'doing this right.'  We're 35 and 33, happily married, financially comfortable, done with graduate school and well-established in our careers.  (Note the plural in all that, which might have more than a little to do with what comes next.)  And still even at 8 months pregnant - I look at our crazy, busy, wonderful life and think how does a baby fit in here?  She doesn't.  Simple as that.  Its all going to change, every bit of it.  And its a leap of faith to believe it will change for the better.  And to all those who've asked if we're going to have one more?  I answer that we're taking this one at a time, thanks.  I'll know when I know.

To help stop overpopulation you could volunteer at Planned Parenthood which can stop so many of the unplanned and unwanted pregnancies out there.

Stable loving home with attentive involed smart parents?  Yes please have more children.  Resentful mean checked out selfish lazy about birth control? No please, no more children.

HELP!  I just had a baby 4 months ago and the thought of having other children is freak-a-leakin eating me alive!  You think... "When should I have another baby, how far apart should they be, an i even handle it?"

How did you decide?  

Eh, I worry a lot about the impact of making babies, but here's the thing. If you were really trying not to make an impact, you should always adopt. Which isn't unreasonable, of course, but it's also not fair to expect everyone to do that. If you live a low-impact life, which I believe you do, then having another baby isn't a decision that should be made on environmental grounds. Hell, most of the people who worry about overpopulation are also eating beef three times a week. You do the best you can to live ethically in the world, but you don't have to take on every burden. To be perfectly ethical, you should give up living comfortably with two kids, go back to living uncomfortably, and give the extra money to someone who needs it more. Etc. There's always something more you could or "should" be doing, and you can't let it drive you nuts. You just do your best.

Funny you should write this.  I just found out that we are pregnant with our third.  Our family is very similar to yours.  Our oldest Kyler is 5, Mikabella is almost 2, me and you are the same age... etc etc.  I think that's why I enjoy your writing so much.  Anyways, I'd say go for it.  I was once told that, "if you look around the dinner table and somebody feels like they are missing, they your family isn't complete."  Go for it!  You'll always figure out the other things, time, money blah blah blah.  You'll never, NEVER regreat having a third.

Good luck!

I agree with all of the generous ladies offering you their "unused credits".

The babies that smart, unique, loving parents produce simply offset the babies that are born to morons.

I have PCOS which leaves my chances of natural conception a little cloudy. My husband and I have agreed that if it doesn't happen naturally. We will try to adopt. You are so blessed in the way that you seem to be a "fertile Myrtle".

However it happens for each family.. babies are wonderful and amazing and I say go for it.

Dunno if this has been mentioned already, and i know you just moved into a (kick-ass) new place, and i know your family income is (at least somewhat) dependent on your location, BUT! perhaps when you do have a third you might want to consider living someplace with a lower cost of living? with good free schools and cheaper everything?  might help all those difficult parts fall into place a little easier.  or not.  just throwing it out there.

I just found out that I'm pregnant with my third...and maybe fourth!  It would be nice to have money figured out, but I do know that after two kids that things have a way of working themselves out most of the time.

What a beautiful post! I'm sure you guys will figure it out.

You've mentioned before about Archer saying things about babies coming from the Baby Store. I'm just curious, does he think that babies come from the baby store or is he just using a metaphor? I'm always interested as to how parents explain the concept of where babies come from to their children. Especially since I was raised by a semi-hippyish mother who was all, "BABIES COME OUT OF VAGINAS."

She also used the word "vulva" at a dinner party the other night. In from of elderly conservative relatives. Fun times.

De-lurking to say...

First and foremost that you (and Hal I guess, WHATEVER) produce the cutest babies imaginable and I love love love hearing about how you raise them, what decisions you wrangle with, and watching them grow up. Again, CUUUUTE!

And also that I would never, EVER tell anyone that their decision to have or not have another baby was the wrong one because I am not there, in that relationship, in your head, really, in your life. I can pretend, and boy do I, that I know you, but in reality? This blog is just a tiny slice of you. A slice I love and am happy to read whenever you post.

Now. After all that? I do think it is irresponsible to bring three children into the world, FOR ME. I do not think I could do it in good conscience. Again, I don't know about you, but me? No. I like the adoption suggestion(s), but that's definitely not for everyone. All in all, this is kind of a long drawn out way of saying that you should do what's right for you and yours, but if for some reason you want some input from an outside source that doesn't really know you, here it is! Aren't you glad I de-lurked on this one? I know you are.

I was so surprised when what you described happenned to me when I held my second daughter for the first time. There is more to my story but I have twins now . He he he (that's a happy but still surprised laugh)

Ok, so here's the thing. I think people should stop breeding. For the most part. But if it is two people who, by all accounts appear to produce likable, possibly fantastic children, then by all means have 3. Have 13 and call them a bakers dozen. The world needs more POSITIVE people in it and if several of them come from the same womb, so be it.

Maybe adopt? Maybe find that other one out there already exists?

First and foremost - do it!  Have another BAY-BEEEEEEE!

Second, wow, just wow.  Everything you wrote - I have had that same internal debate.  The environmentalism and everything.  Well, not the Jewish part in my case, but everything else.  Never thought I ever wanted more than two, but have spent so much time thinking about "should we have 3?" since the very DAY that our second was born, that I sometimes even feel guilty, like I'm not focusing enough on my 2nd child's moment in the sun as the baby of the family, because my mind is instead wandering to, "Is there a 3rd out there?"  And now it's even become, "Is there a 4th out there for us?" because in addition to feeling like I'm meant to get pregnant again, I also have had a feeling for several years that my husband and I are meant to adopt.  

So, there you go.  Totally getting ahead of myself thinking of 4, having yet to experience the chaos and financial burden that even a 3rd would present.  But I can't help it.  

Can I just borrow this blog post of yours, and totally plagiarize it by reposting it on my blog someday, because every word you wrote was exactly what I was thinking!  I'll just substitute some other cultural/religious identity for Jewish.  (Don't worry - I'm totally just kidding about robbing you of your words.  But you knew that, right?)

Bec's,

I only had one.... was only able to have one. So have your third in place of my second. :-)  That takes care of the population issue. ;-)

Your family is awsome. I really enjoy the bits and pieces you share with us.

I say do what is best for you and your family. Forget the rest it will all work out.

I appreciated your comments regarding your Jewish heritage and having a larger family.  I was watching a documentary about Holocaust survivors once and my favourite story was about two survivors who married after liberation from the camps.  Both had lost their entire families in the camps and they were only able to have 2 daughters themselves.  Their two daughters decided that the best thing they could ever give their parent's was family, so each daughter (and husband) had 8 kids each.

I so could have written this.  It's creepy how much this sounds like I did. While I was still in L&D after my second, I knew that we weren't done.  We both did.  I come from a ginourmous family and I know first hand that there comes a point where there really isn't enough love and attention to go around to everyone, but I knew that I definitely had more of both left in my reserve for one more.  I had 2 boys and sure enough - I had a girl. I vascillate daily, from "if I had kept with 2, think about how much [insert: cheaper, logistically easier, less emotionally draining] it would have been if I would have stuck with 2, to "none of this dynamic - none of it - would be as complete as it is now.  that girl finished an incomplete circle."  And it's true.  The 3 of them are so close it makes me weepy! And you know what?  Things would be infinitely cheaper and logistically easier but true to form, I've never lived my life that calculatedly and I can't imagine my family without my 3rd.  

ed. I've been divorced for 3 years and we are still a happy, tight-knit little crew and my youngest gets an enormous amount of credit for that. (so do I).

I think it's great that everyone is being so generous with their "baby vouchers" but unfortunately they have already been used...by us. I hate to write this because all of the comments on here have been so sweet and supportive and you are obviously an excellent mother and great person but The world's resources were being taxed a few million people ago so the "vouchers" on offer are no good. I know this is a little heavy handed in a discussion by obviously lovely people who just want to bring more beautiful children in the world. Seeing pictures and reading about your beautiful family, it's hard not to encourage you to have more children but the harsh reality is that, if you are truly concerned about the environmental impact of having another child then don't because it really is one more person to drain resources that are already depleted. And, the arguement that this person may grow-up to solve the environmental woes of the world is nice but unfortunately, the way to solve the world's environmental woes is to stop having so many children. We have one and will only have one, she plays with the other children in our community and our dog.

As someone who tried to have a child for 5 years before trying IVF 2 times (failing both times) and somehow, magically, falling pregnant the month after the 2nd failed IVF attempt, it amazes me every time I hear people planning their families.  This is such a foreign concept for me.  I can't get my head around the way that this is just a matter of making up your mind.  I also run out of things to say when people jump right up and ask when we're going to have another (baby is 8 months old now).  We had to field those questions while we were trying and now they've started up again.  We would like to have another (I think) but for us, so much lies in the unknown.  

Whelp.  I'm thrilled for you all!  I have three and waited 11 years between my two girls .  Then 17 months and one day later, my son.  He is 11 today.

I heard this magnificant story:  

A  Jewish woman was pregnant with her eight child.  One fall morning while hanging clothes on the line her neighbor appeared, basket of clothes to hang on her line, and remarked, "My goodness Batya , how  many children do you  plan to have?"  

Batya's response:  Six Million....

God ordered it.  He made this planet and has NO problem sustaining our lives.  We seem to think sometimes we're in charge..too funny.

I know this must be weird to read from a stranger but: You writing about having another baby makes me so happy! I guess it's because you're such a wonderful mother, and you have such a wonderful family that, if you added another child into the mix, "he or she would definitely be the luckiest" (as Archer & Fable are).

Kudo's to you for thinking things through though. NOT EVERYONE does that! The family planning that is.

Still: I think you shouldn't worry about overpopulating the world. Don't let other's make you feel guilty for that. Do what's right for you and Hal (Archer & Fable as well) and listen to your heart.

Having Archer & Fable right now everything is perfect, but yet you wrote that there's "someone" missing (Even Archer and apparently Fable----LOL---- feel it).

I'm not a mother but I have little cousins ages 4, 3, 2 and 1 and I couldn't imagine life without any of them. First my little cousin Sammy was born, the eldest (the four-year old) and things were great with him. Then my cousin Aiden was born (the 3-year old), and then Alyssa was born (the 2-year old. Sammy's little sister). Then Aiden's mommy became pregnant again and I couldn't imagine another little one in the mix of Sammy, Aiden and Alyssa. But then Scarlet was born (the 1-year old) and I can't even remember what life was like without her. And it doesn't matter. Because she's here now and she completes our family.

It's like you can't imagine your life being any more perfect than it is right now, until you add another one, and then it's complete. It's come full circle.

Of course, what do I really now...?  I don't have any children.

I don't know I guess I'm just mushy about the whole thing.

Best of luck to you and Hal in whatever you decide. <3 <3 <3

P.S. If you do have another one, "You better make a P.O. Box because I want to send that baby something (Of course Archer & Fable too)!" =D

I say go for it, seriously. It's obvious it's meant to be. No one has the right to judge another. Your third child may save the world. Or maybe all three together will save the world. One never knows.

One more kid that will boycott fast food and spread the world with goodness - BRING IT ON!!!

Congrats are making it to 90%, here's to hoping for double pink lines on the pee stick!!!

Whatever happens - you have and will always have an amazing family of love and great style.

Ugh, we are in the same go-round. I want four kids. REALLY want four. I have terrible pregnancies and I think we've waited too long now . . . so we are probably stuck with just two. :(

I'm just really surprised that your family is so against you having three, given that you grew up one of three. Like it was OK for them to do, but not for you. I'm sure they have valid reasons for this way of thinking, though. I guess I am not a fan of family pressuring one to breed/not breed. I guess 3 really has become the new 9 for some.

I tried to be responsible and sort of got stuck in the planning phase. I'll be 29 in July, have been with my husband for 10 years (married for almost 5), and we have yet to have even our first. I wonder if we ever will. Making a human is so...BIG. So many ins, so many outs. I still find it hard to wrap my head around it all and make a plan that my mind and heart can agree on.

DO IT!  Seriously.  I go by the "do what you'll least regret" mode of making decisions.  And in 20 years, you probably won't be saying, "Dang, I wish we wouldn't have had _______.  I wish we would have had more money instead."  You love your kids...go for it!

Go for it girlfriend! Make some babies. As all of us mamas know, babies bring immense, mindblowing, heart wrenching joy into our lives and that joy only expands and surrounds us as they grow... to add another is just to make you a luckier, happier person. Don't think about the population issue. There are too many unfortunate people who can't have children; you can, so you should, if you feet in your gut that is what is supposed to happen. Being a mother is the best job in the world, and if you can add to it, do it. Plus- it's fun trying!

PS You're awesome! love your blog, never commented before but loves it!

Yeah, I hear you. We're going back and forth, not on kids but on getting to a place where we can HAVE kids. As in, where are we going to live and what are we going to do for money. We talked about our "schedules" (as if those ever work) and realized we have about 3 years to 1. get married 2. move (but where?!?) and 3. start having babies! But all day I've been going in circles trying to rationalize and imagine how things would go. I'm glad I'm not the only one who tries to figure out these things.

Oh, and @Pants- what about the rest of us? Should we plan on giving up our dreams of motherhood too, because some idiots have 19 kids and counting? I do have concerns about the impact of overpopulation but does this mean I shouldn't have ANY children? The thought of that makes me incredibly sad.

I want five kids. Maybe seven. Maybe twenty. All I know is, we have two and there are more out there for us.

But that's just it - they are OUT THERE. Not sitting in my body waiting to be birthed. There are millions of kids, in our country and around the world, who are waiting and longing for a family. We adopted our two daughters and we'll adopt the rest of our kids because for all the struggles, those moments when we look at each other and realize we are a family make it worthwhile.

So if you're really concerned about the impact of breeding again, why don't you adopt? It's easy to argue against creating another person but it's hard to argue against the logic of choosing to love one that's already here and waiting for you.

(and for those who say adoption isn't for everyone or is too expensive or too hard or too complicated, i don't really understand your logic and i'm sorry if my comment offends you. how can choosing love NOT be for everyone? there are programs and grants to help pay for adoption and there are pre and post adoptive services to help things move smoothly. adoption is a miracle.)

It's funny, every time I read over conversations about # of children, I find I'm in the minority. Have as many as your family seems to need, but as for myself I think of having another sometimes, and then I get my period, and I'm relieved, relieved, relieved. Relieved I won't be pregnant again, relieved to be able to enjoy time with my son and husband as a family of three. But I think we're meant to be this size, you know? Every family differs greatly.

Basically you can have more children because you need to out number the "duggar" family types.. they are multiplying fast and do we really need more of them??

I have 2. A son and a daughter 3 yrs apart. If 3 is what you and Hal want... go for it.  Both of my kids always asked for another brother and sister up until they were about 10.  I knew 2 was it for us.  I have one of each and life is great!

We're planning a big family and my answer to criticism from environmentalists is - we are a one-car family. We are not very interested in consuming consumer goods. We sort of live like students, I guess. Really, there are many different ways to cut down your impact and the world dynamics of the overpopulation issue are far more complicated than another baby = bad. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Also ya know, environmentalists are kind of whiny. Not your friends and fam I'm sure but some of them are whiny. The world needs more positive people, and you are one.

Like I tell my sister (who is FINALLY pregnant with her first after trying to plan the perfect time, etc...) there is NO perfect time. You get pregnant and everything just (usually) falls into place. You figure it out. We're currently pregnant with number 3 (and our last!) and are panicking on how to pay daycare for three--I have one in kindergarten, one in preschool but still have to pay full time daycare for, and then MR. B on the way... and daycare is expensive! But we'll figure it out... I did before, going from one to two!

I say the hell with the plans.

This is very strange for me because I am a planner to the max and never make any decision without extensive list-making and pro/con weighing and antacid-popping and sleepless nights worrying that I did the wrong thing.  So when it came to the decision of when/if to have our second baby I had an extensive list of requirements and timetables and charts and all that good stuff.  Our first son had to be potty-trained.  We had to be in the process of buying a bigger house.  We had to pay off several bills.  Etc, etc, etc.

And then?  After we met all those goals and I thought it was the "perfect" time to get pregnant and I was so excited and confident about my ability to go from one kid to two?

#2 turned into #2 and #3, because we're expecting TWINS in September.

So that "perfect" house we just bought with three bedrooms for us and our "two" children?  Well, now somebody's gonna have to share.  And those bills we payed off?  We'll be rolling that money right into our new minivan note.

Oh well.  We're excited.  Men plan, God laughs.  C'est la vie.

This is one of the joys of using Natural Family Planning. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Sure, I would like so-many children, but if that's not in the cards, then it's not. So I don't worry about it.

Are you and Hal struggling to make ends meet? Are you worried about where your next meal/mortgage payment/etc. will come from? No? Then stop trying to figure out the "right" time to experience one of the greatest joys out there.

I think it is so great that you want to add one more to your family.  It is such a personal decision.  So like you said, screw what everyone else thinks and do what you guys feel is right for your family.  The whole environmental thing always blows my mind, how can you measure the worth of a person and precious soul against environmental impact.  I know we need to be aware but SERIOUSLY!  You guys make beautiful children so get to it! :)

Hey Rebecca, just want to reassure you that from an environmental perspective (I work for an green non-profit), the concern about overpopulation is overblown. Having fewer children is often prescribed as a cure-all for what is really our problem: overconsumption. Living wisely, gently and even sacrificially on the earth as a loving, joy-filled, even large family is far more important (and sometimes harder) than just shrinking the population. Studies show that education, improved health care, and reduced mortality rates (the marks of healthy societies) do more to stem overpopulation than anything short of forced sterilizations, forced abortions, or one-child policies. Stewarding what we have so that others might also have, and fighting for things like women's education and fair policies that provide opportunities for the poor are where our priorities should be--not in judging one another's family size. Creating life is not a problem. We just need to create other good things so that everyone (and thing) can thrive, too. So I hope that helps, and I look forward to hearing about the third!

I don't get the enviromental argument. If you're really worried about the enviroment, you'd kill yourself, right?!

I mean: yes, we all want to tread lightly. But why is two okay and three not? I've seen families much larger than mine live with a much smaller footprint.

Life is short. Do what makes your heart happy.

I used to laugh at the whole "biological clock", "desire for children" blah blah blah. But two years ago it hit me (and I was only 24) and it has only gotten louder. I used to think I only wanted two, but now before we've even had one (I've had recurrent miscarriages) I am thinking two might not be enough. It's insane how we plan everthing logically in our minds and have a path for ourselves then something inside makes you throw it all out the window, and i can't even say what it is.

So how about you compromise and adopt or foster a third child. That way you aren't being helping in our world population issue and you can still have a third child. I agree with the idea that having a lot of children is unnecessary when there are so many babies and children in the world that need a loving home. Why the need for a little mini you as opposed to saving a child in need that you will still love just as much. I think that will teach your children a positive lesson.

The argument for two comes from "replacing yourselves"... two parents make two children.

And re: the adoption suggestion = it's complicated. I would love to adopt but both parents need to be on board. That being said, I think adoption is amazing and would love to be able to adopt someday if/when we're BOTH in agreement that it's right for us/our family.

Dude. I have six. Which means we've experienced this turmoil 6 times. I admit, there was much more OhIloveyouletshaveanother then the discussing part, but still. I can't take 'em back now. *that is my famous line* I love them too much to take them back!

But srsly, six? I'm Mexican. Nuff said.

I have a 13 year old, 11 and almost 2 year old.  We thought we were done but never really felt complete. 10 years later and bam!  Here he is and I couldn't imagine life without my 3rd.  Good things come in 3's.

I only had 1 sibling, and that was kind of sad.  Always longed for a 3rd, 4th.  I was lucky enough to have lots of cousins though.  

I have a friend who says, "Replace yourself once and then your done!" But then she gives me and my husband some slack because we are Native and we need to repopulate our tribes :)  I'd say the same goes for the Jewish.  I try not to let other people dictate my destiny.  This is your family, the people that will surround you in your old age.  The best thing we can do is raise environmentally and civic minded children and hope for the best!  

I am in the the same boat......well I was until yesterday. My husband and I have been trying to have another (our third) since August and I was starting to give up until yesterday.....I found out I am pregnant!!!!! HOLY SHIT. I am freaking out because for so long I was like two kids our great, I do not need any more, but we both one day mentioned a possibility of a third and we both wanted it. I have been up and down about having a third and have done all the math, but what it really comes down to is knowing you and your spouse are great parents and it just feels right. Good luck:)

All I have to say is RIGHT when I gave up the notion of that third one that I felt CERTAIN was out there, waiting to become a part of our family (and also suffering a disappointing miscarriage), and started accepting our family of four, #3 showed up. At the best time possible.

I hope it works out the same for you....your family clearly rocks! :)

and here, i'm the youngest of 13.

my parents were good, solid catholics.

they thought planning was for the birds.  so they relied on "family-planning method".

as i said- i'm the youngest of 13.  not very reliable.

So: funny. I hadn't realized that you were ethnically Jewish. But. The moment I started reading this, the neon light that went on over my head was, "Having three children is a mitzvah."

Don't get me wrong, I am, by birth, as WASP-y as they come. But my husband is a liberal jew, and I converted a year ago. So I think a lot about this idea of, "When is it a blessing to leave the world with one more than you started with." And I think when we're talking about happy loved WANTED kids from really loving and involved parents? Well, it's hard not to argue for three being a good deed for the whole world.

A *lettle* different than a stretch Hummer, if you ask me.

Besides, if you're not all here, you're not all here.

why feel shame about the environment?  The environmentally conscious thing to do from the start would have been to adopt and avoid having your own children altogether.  Live life, don't worry about it.

i agree with poop. silly to worry about the harm of #3 when just existing yourself with 2 offspring fucks the planet enough.

You're not alone.  I'm pregnant with my first, but already thinking about a future second.  And for some reason, I feel like my number is 4.  I don't know if that will actually happen, but that's what I feel.  In terms of the environment, I'm hoping that cloth diapering will at least make a *small* dent in the damage I could bring to the world by birthing more than two children!

I'm super-late to this but re: the adjustment from 2 children to 3, I would suggest this article which talks about helping children adjust to the "loss" of the previous family relationship.  Now hold on internet trolls, don't burn me at the stake - Yes, older siblings will be happy and love the third child, but it's ok to have some feelings of sadness and missing your "family of four."  It's only natural, and I applaud you for being attuned to that.

I'ts about halfway thru the article: www.janetlansbury.com/.../good-grief

I'm sure you'll make a great decision for you and your family :)

i read an article once for a women's studies class. it was about how more liberal people have that mind set to which you refer - less children = environmentally friendly, etc. etc. but then it discussed the flip side of the evangelicals who have children and children and don't let them even know there is such a thing as evolution and that is how they will take over the earth - they will grow their army and all them crazy liberal folks will go extinct.

maybe it wasn't precisely that but that is the general idea, and boy was that unnerving.

so in sum, you should probably have another child because it will only make the world a more loving, open minded, and jewish place to live.

Aby - have you ever seen Idiocracy? Similar idea. It scared the shit out of me and I had nightmares for years afterward. Still do, actually. And there is absolutely something there as you say. A sort of reverse-darwinsim. Pretty upsetting stuff.

That was us after one, about having two! SO on the fence. The only thing that pushed us off was figuring that we might one day regret not having another, but we'd never regret a child that we had. So. Now, The Bun! But that's it for me.

I am the oldest of three, and my sister (the youngest) and I are 12 years apart, so a third baby can come at any time.

I love that how you acknowledge that feeling that there is another baby out there waiting in the wings - that your family is not yet complete.  That is exactly how i felt after the birth of my third child - which was my last last last baby.  I was not having more than three, I was done being pregnant, the shop was closed.  But somehow, I don't feel done.  I don't feel like our family is finished, even though it seems so perfect as it is now.

Good luck with your decisions, and keep in mind that every child you bring into the world will be another voice of reason that can fight for their beliefs and help make the world a better place because of how you and Hal will raise them.

oyyy, I have three and I feel like this all the time about having a 4th. (after our first, the discussion used to be about whether or not we'd have 3, then we had twins so the decision was made for us!) but we have sooo many "practical" reasons not to have another. We can't afford it, our house would be waaay too small, I've already had a late term loss, I've already had incredibly premature twins, my mind probably couldn't handle another nerve wracking pregnancy....the list goes on and on. But regardless of knowing all these things, I still don't feel done. Not sure what I'm supposed to do with all the practical stuff vs. what I feel in my heart so I can really sympathize with you.