Straight From the Bottle

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  • Giving Myself (and you) a Pat on the Front

     

    I'm still breastfeeding which, I'll be honest, feels like one of my greater life accomplishments. I mean... I had TWO breast-reductions, people and was totally unable to breastfeed Archer and it's like some kind of miracle that I can whip out my boobs and do something besides scare people with them. (If there was an ugliest boobs contest, I would totally be a finalist. Mine are about as scarred and scabbed and jacked-up as boobs could possibly be. They don't sag, though, thanks to the surgery, but BOY if they aint ugly.)

     

    Breastfeeding has not been painless by any means. Oh LAWDY, no. In fact, I'm thinking about asking Medela to sponsor me because I go through their lanolin like water these days. (Lansinoh Lanolin = major sucks compared to the joy Medela lanolin brings to thy nipples. Medela goes on smoothe and isn't messy. Five stars and two thumbs waaaay up!) And yet, here I blog, my boob shoved down my THREE-MONTH-OLD babe's throat and I FUCKING RULE, you guys. I do. Because I'm totally pulling this whole thing off and, here is a medal I will hereby wear on this blog forever more:

     

    football-medal

    I know. It has sneakers on it and a soccer ball but it was the cutest medal I could find on google images.

     

    In fact...

     

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  • Breast Reduction: A Nipple's Lament

    Do you get it? I have a theme going! First vaginas. Now breasts. And next week....Penises! Wait... Never mind, this isn't that kind of blog. Bummer.

     

    First of all, thank you so much for being so open (womp, womp) in the comments of my last post. Your stories, advice and words of wisdom were extremely helpful and I'm looking forward to what I hope to be an episiotomy-free, tear-free, birth experience with my second babe.

     

    In the meantime, I was asked by several readers to write about my breast reduction(s). Yes, I had two. My first surgery was at age eighteen and my second, I was twenty. (My breasts either grew back or weren't fully finished growing at eighteen.)

     

    After both surgeries I went from a 36 FF-cup, which they DO NOT sell at Victoria's Secret, by the way, to a more practical 34D. (For those of you looking into breast reduction surgery, ask small. I actually asked to be a small C and ended up a D after all was said and healed.) On a normal day I'm a 5'8, size 8 so I feel fine about my cup-size and well-proportioned, but still... ask small. I'm not the only breast-reduction patient who ended up a full size larger than the size she asked for.  

     

    I was told that having breast-reduction surgery would most likely leave me with three the following three not-so-awesome things.

     

    1. Loss of All Nipple Sensation: I was told that most likely my nipples and breasts would pretty much be numb to the touch and have little feeling. (This happens because in the surgery your nipples are removed completely and then reattached in a new location. Pretty, right?) This didn't really phase me because I already was suffering from no-feeling-in-nips disorder, which apparently is most common in women with large bazungas. Nipple stimulation has never existed for me. At least, not as long as my nipples were being stimulated.

     

    2. Less Than Attractive Scarring: Breast Reduction surgery is hardcore surgery that takes weeks to recover from. (My mom literally had to wipe my ass after the surgery because I was unable to lift my arms.) Contrary to breast implants which involve a minor incision under or on the side of the breast, a breast reduction requires anchor-like scarring and full-removal of the nipples. Scars go around the breasts in a C shape and take years to fade. My scars, seven-years later are very faint but still visible in a triangle-top bikini. 

     

    3.. Inability to Breastfeed: This, at eighteen had no relevance to me whatsoever because, duh! I was eighteen and breastfeeding creeped me out to begin with. I figured I would probably have kids at forty-ish anyway, so whatever. Little did I know I'd be all knocked-up and shit a few short years later. I digress... It is this "inability to breastfeed" I wanted to write about today. Ask and ye shall receive, fine readers. Let's talk breastfeeding post reduction, shall we?

     

    500px-Breastreduction

     

     

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About the Blogger

rebecca woolf

Rebecca Woolf in LA

Who says becoming a mom means succumbing to laser tattoo removal and moving to the suburbs? This young writer and mother of two gives it to you Straight From the Bottle.

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