Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Karen — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:03:15 GMT

Have a 'teenstache and old man sweater' party. My brother did and the pictures were hilarious.

That way it's both Moms and Dads, silly, and the price of admission is a bag of dipes or wipes.

It's just dumb enough to work. Think of the laughter.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Jean9 — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:48:36 GMT

Wow! 2nd baby showers certainly are a hot topic! I don't think I've ever seen so many comments on something! Go for whatever you feel comfortable with. I never had a baby shower for my first three kids (all boys) (No, not independently wealthy, just independently poor,-and poor friends). For my girl (15 yrs between her and her youngest sibling) my work threw a baby shower for me, and it was greatly appreciated. I certainly wasn't going to turn it down. I still had the crib from the last kid (dusty, but still safe) and the rest of the baby paraphenelia (can't spell) I got handed-down or rummage sales. I'm not a big believer of brand new big ticket items for little ones because most times they they outgrow them before they're worn out ($10.00 practically new at rummage sale beats $100.00 brand new any day). So do it the way you feel comfortable. Accept graciously any gifts given in spite of "no gifts rule" Like one said, lots of people LOVE an excuse to buy little baby items (Awww, aren't those socks tiny!)

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Stephanie — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:11:46 GMT

Well, I had two showers for my first child, my son: one gvien by my friends, and the other (big shower) given at work by friends and co-workers. I appreciated both showers that were thrown in my honor, given that my husband and I were also raising my 2 year-old niece, of which we purchased all items needed for her. Then baby #2, a girl, came along two years later and I didn't expect a shower, b/c hey, "it's inappropriate" as one friend informed me(i had no idea!)

however, my friends at work had a completely different perspective, since most were done having children and some were grandmothers. as many of them put, boy or girl, it's a new baby and therefore should be celebrated. being the kind of person who spends too much time worrying about what is right or wrong, classy/trashy, etc., I too worried that I would look "greedy" having another shower for another child.

But since then, I totally agree with the above-mentioned friends that it is another child, regardless of gender, and yes, that child deserves the celebration of life too. I would hate to think of my sonlooking at pictures of his shower(s) and my daughter having any to view. IMHO, throw the so-called etiquette rules out of the window and proceed to party on, wayne!!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Amy — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 12:57:21 GMT

As a Mom of 2 boys I am a little surprised by the number of people that say it's okay to have a shower for a second baby if it's the opposite gender from your first... @@ Seriously people?! Why should a Mom/Baby combo be celebrated any more than another combo simply because a certain spermotazoa reached the egg first.

Honestly, you really don't need that many "different" things for the opposite gender - most major items are gender neutral and if you were smart like me you would have purchased mostly gender neutral layette... If you are one of those silly people that purchase all pink gear (carriage, car seats, diaper bags, etc.) for your first baby girl and then 18 months later have a boy, well imo you need to push jr. around in a pink stroller as punishment for your stupidity or purchase your own new stroller...

Plus, most people come over to see the new addition toting some adorable (and some not-so-adorable) gender specific clothing item anyway...

That all being said, having had my second baby about year ago now I realize how hard it is to get together with friends (especially the working 9-5 childless variety which dominate my group) when you have a routine-loving toddler and a newborn that doesn't give a hoot about anyone's schedule but their own...

So if you can get together with friends before the baby comes I say DO IT! And if they are willing to give you things you can really use (wipes, baby wash, those gerber puff things that babies love) and maybe some stuff they just want to buy, then that's even better...

If you don't want "gifts" maybe ask them each to bring a children's book to the party which will expand the kids' library... and notice I say kids because Archer will benefit from an expanded library too... this is particularly cool idea given you are an author.

Or maybe everyone can donate $25 to a children's charity like the March of Dimes, St. Jude, Unicef... instead of buying stuff you don't need...

But def get together with friends before the baby comes.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Kate — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 20:18:25 GMT

A friend was having #3 so we just had a casual get together and bought her some gift certificates. It was a surprise because she might have refused otherwise. I've also seen second baby showers for people who have several years in between babies or are having a secind baby in a new marriage.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

GirlsGoneChild — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 21:01:40 GMT

You guys are awesome. It's amazing how many opinions! Wow!

I've actually decided against a shower (or party of any kind) mainly because I'm not personally comfortable with one. We will, however, have an open-house type get-together with close friends when the baby is born. More my speed. And Frank totally understands because he's my homie and we love each other, even when/if we rain and one another's parade.

Thanks, again for all of your comments!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Regina — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:08:56 GMT

OK - I kind of got hung up on the first paragraph of your post "are YOU planning a baby shower" 'cause where I come from planning your OWN shower, baby or wedding or whatever, is just crass.

Graciously attending when someone else wants to throw a celebration of your happiness - that's different.

And be it the first baby, first wedding - or repeats of the above - it is celebrating the here and now happiness - so GO FOR IT!

Besides - like others have said -buying girl stuff is just SO MUCH FUN!!!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

dm — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:05:30 GMT

hey becca,

first off, you look gorgeous and i'm psyched for you and your family.

second off, in terms of tacky vs. not-tacky..eh, there's obviously no one answer here. i kinda scanned the posts, didn't read all of 'em, but throwing in my 2 cents here...i think a get-together with friends and a low-key celebration of what you've endured/what you're about to embark upon/a new life showing up is great, if you're up for it. i like the "sprinkle" (diapers, wipes, etc.) and "blessingway" ideas. alternatively for the gift-lovers...how 'bout if you collected a bunch of baby clothes (so everyone could work out their baby-clothes ya-yas), and donated them to charity, at a women's shelter or something like that?

good luck and let us know whatcha come up with.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Heather — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 05:56:45 GMT

I have 4 daughters and my much-younger-mom-of-1-self would agree with your view. Showers are for first babies.

My single, childless, party throwing friends disagreed and gave me a surprise 2nd baby shower. Honestly, I was shocked and a bit uneasy at the time. Once the "party" started and was evident it was not going to consist of baby food games and end with guessing my tummy grith using toilet paper squares, I had a great time.

It was very close to my due date and my friends had all prepared and froze meals and snacks for my family to enjoy when the baby arrived. It seemed easier for me to accept "helping" meals from friends instead of being showered with baby items. As little as I cooked back then, I really think it was a coup to ensure my husband and daughter survived after D day.

With our other births my husband and I actually hosted baby celebration for our friends and family as a way to thank them for their past and future support in our lives while embracing our upcoming addition.

Looking back on it all, I'm glad that my friends did it their way and threw me a baby shower for my second daughter. They really wanted to be included in our joy.

After all, a shower is just that, a way for friends and loved ones to "shower" the mom-to-be and baby with warm wishes for the future. You shouldn't hesitate celebrating your blessing simply based on birth order or deny your friends the opportunity share this most wonderful time with the equally important sibling. (Ok, so I'm a second born)

Plus, nixing the shower won't stop friends/family from giving gifts anyway and your daughter is the one that will oneday go nuts for "her" baby shower photos. :) Congratulations!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Tracey — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 03:13:03 GMT

I am flabbergasted by all of the drama about this topic. Rebecca, I too used to feel squicky about gifts and parties and attention and asking favors and all of that crap. But one of my fabulous friends (and he was gay too) once gave me this advice, "If someone compliments you, say thank you, don't make excuses. If someone wants to do something nice for you, accept graciously, and feel loved." So I do.

Let Frank throw the party. Accept cute dresses, diapers, stuffed animals, whatever. Because the only people who will be there are those who know and love you. How can you feel guilty about accepting their love?

Geezuz,at the end of the day it's only $20 or so, it's not like you're asking for them to donate a liver.

Besides, giving a gift is an honor.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Lori — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 22:46:25 GMT

I totally think that some sort of "Pamper-the-Mama" Party is appropriate and necessary. Sit around and do whatever you enjoy, paint the belly, get massaged or lie on your back playing stiff as a board!

You can always use wording to distract from bringing gifts without actually having to say it. Because when you say it, it leaves your guests in a pickle. Having read "no gifts-please" they now have to make an awkward decision -

Do they:

a. follow the request and risk looking like the only cheap-ass who did so.

b. bring a gift and risk offending the host or looking like you're trying to show-up the other guests.

Never fun. That said, enjoy your fleeting last trimester!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Rachel — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:49:57 GMT

I'm pretty sure anyone who would be "offended" by an *invitation* is an asshole. It is nice of people to throw parties. It is nice of them to feed you and liquor you up. It is nice of them to invite you into their homes and their lives. It is nice of them to want to make you a part of one of the most special and personal things that will ever happen to them. Last I looked, you should be "offended" if you are NOT invited. That would mean no one wants you around. Because you are an asshole.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

noell — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 11:40:43 GMT

I think u should have a shower for every baby...it is not grabby or rude, especially if someone is throwing the shower for you. It would be a little weird if you were throwing your own shower. People are going to buy you presents anyways...so it would be better to get the stuff you need.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

hoagy295 — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 02:35:53 GMT

I'm in the second showers are tacky (and most showers are boring) camp, but what my friends and I have been doing is having "fill the freezer" showers where we each make a frozen meal or muffins etc for the mom to be to take home for those chaotic first weeks. Of course now that it's hot out it's hard to think of what to make for the freezer since no one really craves stew or chili in August. Also there aren't any dumb games or anything, just an opportunity to hang out, eat and chat.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

xMaureenx — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:23:30 GMT

Um, I had FIVE showers for ONE baby.. My friends from Philly planned one, my closest girlfriends did one here in Maryland, my co-workerks another, and then my mom, and mother in law all had seperate showers for me.. We got about 4 grand worth of gifts and money and we did not have to buy anything off of our registry.. If and when we have a second, I'm sure I'll have a couple showers for it too.. We did not ask for any showers, or gifts at all. But we have a lot of friends and family who wanted to truly bless us and they totally did.. If people want to plan you a party, I say let them!!!!Each pregnancy is different and I think that they warrant a seperate shower.. Even if there are no gifts involved, it can just be a party celebrating new life!!! So go ahead and let your friend plan your shower, you will be SO glad you did!!!!!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Aunt KK — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 19:04:58 GMT

I'm totally not a mommy, but I am the aunt of a beautiful baby girl. If and when my sister and brother-in-law decide to bless me with more little ones to spoil, I WILL DEFINATELY be throwing a shower. Why should the subsequent children be stuck with all hand-me-downs when the first got all new stuff? I think it's tacky to throw YOURSELF a shower, but if someone else wants to hold a celebration of the new life for you, then why hurt their feelings by not accepting and reveling in their excitement? Every child that comes into this world deserves to be treated as if they are their own special, unique individual, not some second rate hand-me-down.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

baconsmom — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:04:54 GMT

I'm amazed you didn't come across any postings on Etiquette Hell in your googling. Second showers are impossibly tacky, and YES - showers are ALL ABOUT PRESENTS. That's why they're called "showers" - they "shower" you with gifts.

Any mention of gifts on an invitation is also rude.

Pass on the shower, please. We don't need any more rudeness in the world.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Melanie — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 13:49:40 GMT

I threw a second baby shower for my sister-in-law as a way celebrate the second baby. It was much smaller than her first baby shower (which I also threw), just a handful of her closest friends and her mom. We had girly drinks (no booze) and yummy tarts and other goodies. We all worked on an art project together, which we then turned into a baby book for the new baby. A few of us gave her some smaller-scale gifts. I thought it was a nice way to acknowledge and celebrate this new life, and she thought it was special.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Amanda Regan — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:39:40 GMT

Why not have the shower and just make the giving of gifts optional? After all this is one of the few chances you have left for a night out while only having one child.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

erika — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 03:51:55 GMT

Life is too short to be worried about all of these rules. If you want to have a get together with your friends to celebrate your new baby do it. If you would rather nest alone - do that.

Doesn't sound like you care about gifts so don't call it a shower. Would be fun to me to go to the spa and have lunch with a few good friends or just do something pampering. They will probably still bring gifts and you can smile and say - thank you:):):)

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Audrey — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 03:11:29 GMT

I would have loved a second shower, but my second son came 16 months after my first son, so it was a moot point. Still, my ILs don't do second showers. I think it's kinda silly because I think of it as a celebration. Enjoying time with other women, welcoming and preparing for a baby is a very nice thing, that gift don't necessarily have to be a part of. So while I didn't need much for my second baby (other than another crib and a double stroller), I still would have loved another shower/party so I could share this with my friends and family and maybe receive a few cute, new-to-me onesies for the little one... or money towards the college fund ;) If I have another baby (hoping someday) whether it's a boy or girl, I will have a shower/party... can never have too many cloth dipes, ya know? :)

Also, one doesn't necessarily need to buy things for a shower. Some things are fine to give used. So while we live in a shop, shop, shop culture, giving second-hand may help curb that crazy trend.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:18:04 GMT

What seems to happen for second babies with my friends is a casual party to welcome the baby and celebrate the mama (sometimes before the birth, sometimes after), and usually everyone has the OPTION to contribute to a special gift. Two special gifts that come to mind that I've contributed to are a photo session with a great photographer (the pics were gorgeous!) and a double stroller for a mama expecting her second boy in two years. I was so thrilled to contribute to those gifts and didn't feel like it was tacky at all!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

GirlsGoneChild — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:07:57 GMT

I'm leaning toward the after-she's-born party, now. Thanks guys. That's actually a great compromise. You're awesome. Thanks so much for your candid thoughts and advice!

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

kjo — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 22:56:01 GMT

wow! i couldn't read all the comments way too many for me. i'm in the same boat and decided we'll have a "Meet the Baby" party instead of a shower. i'm like you, i feel like baby showers are more for first time mom's, getting advice from wiser more experienced moms. i'd rather celebrate the birth of our new child rather than the anxiety of becoming a mom again.

re: Baby Showers for Second Babes: Tacky or Fabulous?

wandergrrl — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:40:07 GMT

Wow, a lot of comments!

Though I don't have little ones myself, I have hosted several baby showers for dear friends. For one of my best friends, I hosted her first shower (big brunch to-do for thirty or so, and plenty of gifts). For the second baby, I offered to host another, and she liked the idea of celebrating, was also squicked about asking for gifts. Our solution (a good one, IMHO), is what a lot of people have suggested: a party that celebrates the rite of passage without putting a lot of focus on presents.

Having a baby is a huge transition, whether it's number one or four, and every baby and baby-momma deserves a little celebration. I've done a lot of reading (and edited one book) about "Blessing Ways," a celebration that focuses on celebrating mom and preparing her for childbirth. A full-on Blessing Way can be a bit, um, hippie or New Agey for some women, but it's a great starting point for ideas. The party for my (non-hippie) friend including lots of sharing of hopes and fears about childbirth, words of appreciation and love for her, a foot massage (we hired a pro, but you could do it yourselves), etc. A few nibbles, some tasty mocktails, and a chance for a small group of her best friends to give her lots of love and attention -- what's not to love about that. Oh, and we made her a bracelet from homemade beads and charms for her to wear during labor (should she choose to). Maybe a few folks bought her small gifts -- I really can't recall -- but like I said, they weren't the point.

Anyway, YMMV, but if you google "Blessing Way" and "alternative baby showers" you'll find lots of ideas for parties that de-emphasize gift giving. I say do what feels right to you, and don't let ideas about the way showers *should* be throw you off course.