As if parents of newborns don't have enough to feel
inadequate about, there's a new baby expert on the scene that wants you
to know that your 3-week-old is "talking" to you. With words. What, you didn't know
that the "heh" noise your baby is making means that she is
"experiencing discomfort?" Tsk, tsk. You're probably not wearing your
baby 24/7 or co-sleeping are you? No wonder you're having such a hard
time adjusting to first-time parenthood.
Patricia Dunstan, a mom from Australia, says she has a natural
gift: the ability to unlock the secret language of babies. "The Baby
Hunter" was on Oprah recently talking about her special powers. After testing her baby language theory on over a thousand infants
around the world, Dunstan says there are five "words" that all babies
0–3-months-old "say," regardless of race and culture:
- Neh="I'm hungry"
- Owh="I'm sleepy"
- Heh="I'm experiencing discomfort"
- Eair="I have lower gas"
- Eh="I need to burp"
I call bullshit.
I agree that after a while most parents learn what their baby's cry
means, but a secret language language of babies? My babies' secret
language went something like this:
- Wah="Boobie"
- Waaah="I said I want boobie."
- WAAAH="Gimme some boobie before I shoot crap up all the way up my back to my neck."
- WAAAAAAH="See? I told you I wasn't kidding. You should've given me the boobie."
- WAAAAAAAHsmurfle="What took you so long? You'll
see. Tomorrow I won't nurse at all. Let's see if a clogged duct or two will
teach you to be more responsive next time."
Gosh, if only I'd had Dunstan's DVD
to watch during those first weeks when I was operating on four hours of
sleep and teetering on the edge of a psychotic episode. I'm sure I
could have squeezed in some lessons in between reading Dr. Sears (who made
me feel like a terrible parent for not being able to figure out how to
carry a floppy six pound baby in a ginormous, padded, chambray sling),
and What To Expect (for making me feel like a bad mother for
not shoving muesli and oat cakes down my gullet while pregnant. I chose
Filets-o-Fish instead.)
Mastering the secret language of babies? Give me a friggin' break. As if we need one more thing for the annoying, know-it-all in our playgroup to feel superior about.
