I've been reading the book, "Raise a Smarter Child by Kindergarten,"
searching for the secret tools that will increase my daughter's IQ by a
promised 30 points. I want her to have the competitive edge I never had
in childhood, such as the ability to multiply, divide, subtract,
daydream and other mathematical skills. The point is, I'm doing my best
to ensure she develops into someone smarter than her father.
So I
was intrigued when I saw an ad for today's "Oprah" about a 7-year-old
who performs surgery, a 9-year-old who hosts national talk shows and an
8-year-old who sings in the opera. These kids are already smarter than
me. But how do they do it? What secrets do they hold that I can pass
along to my own daughter, who is thankfully napping and, if all goes
well, will remain asleep for the entire show. Her future depends on it.
I hope you'll join me as I curl up on the couch with a pint of Guiness Haagen-Dazs and learn what makes these kids tick:
4:01: Oprah kicks it off with Daniel Cook, a 9-year-old who goes around the country interviewing people for TV. I couldn't hear. I dropped my spoon. Still, it looks like he has a great smile, five books to his name and nine DVDs. I don't like him already.
4:03: Oprah is looking good. I should watch this more often.
4:06: Daniel introduces a girl who remembers things and tasks her with remembering the names of everyone in the audience, before Oprah changes direction. Her first guest is boy who performed surgery at age 7. He now wants to cure cancer. I wonder if a Haagen-Dasz addiction is the only thing I will pass to my daughter.
4:10: Surgery boy says he doesn't study at all. Liar. I don't like him either. I dropped my spoon again.
4:12: Commercial break. The only thing I've learned is that I can't handle my spoon and type at the same time. Also, something about not studying and cutting people at age 7.
4:15: I found links so you can read more. This is surgery boy -- Akrit Jaswal.
4:17: Oprah introduces 8-year-old Gwyn MacKenzie who can sing opera in four languages. She is too adorable for words. She likes all music except heavy metal.
4:20: Gwyn sings something I can't pronounce but have fallen in love with. Simon might have dissed her but Paula would definitely clap in her face. Another commercial break, and so far I'm amazed -- but have yet to discover things I can teach my own daughter. My spoon is covered in couch fuzz.
4:24: Memory girl is back. She was supposed to memorize 50 names and is now being quizzed. She nails the first one!
4:27: Corrina Draschl, or something like that, is the world memory champ. Oprah asks her the secret. Corrina finally gives me something solid: match names to hair styles, ear rings or something personal, she says. Corrina says she will always remember these names, while Oprah says she already forgot what the girl said. Nice.
4:30: Jasmine Lawrence is 15 and CEO of her own all-natural hair products company. At 15 I learned how to shoulder tap strangers for beer. My daughter is soo screwed. Oprah has hair issues.
4:34: I think my daughter might be waking up. Crap. I have learned very little.
4:35: Oprah still has hair issues. I don't know why. It looks good.
4:36: That was a very short interview. No tips on how to handle a hostile corporate takeover or which mousse works best for bald men. Commercial break. So far, I'm annoyed. Only the memory girl provided me with solid tips I can teach my daughter. But somehow I'm guessing she'll wind up smarter than her old man anyway. My spoon is lost forever.
4:38: Brother and sister jugglers are introduced. They throw things in the air. I think my daughter would relate. But can you really qualify as a "genius" for juggling?
4:41: Never mind. Vova and Olga are rock stars -- even though one of their names sounds like a body part that starred in a Seinfeld episode. They are throwing bowling pins near Oprah's hair. Bad, bad move.
4:42: They went to public school. They began to juggle. They are on Oprah. Do we really need to save for that private school?
4:43: Oprah says something about following your passion. Maybe that's the secret? Maybe I shouldn't push so hard and just let my daughter do what makes her comfortable? Commercial break.
4:45: Emmeline has not woken up yet. She is a rock star in her own way. She is a genius napper. What do you think, Oprah?
4:46: Oprah sends Daniel to New York City -- probably to get rid of him. The "Dan Cam?"
4:47: Daniel interviews Samantha from Sex and the City. Samantha says her niece has heart disease. Daniel asks: "Is there anything else that excites you?" Maybe I do like this kid.
4:48: Daniel interviews super model and you can see him go through puberty. Yup, I like him. Commercial break. Ice cream is gone. It's not easy to lick a pint-sized container.
4:50: Commercial about a diet that lets you lose weight while eating ice cream, pizza, hamburgers and beer. I pick up phone.
4:52: Oprah asks Daniel how he got his own talk show, but the kid's not letting out any secrets. Another commercial break. Lordy jebus -- Emme doesn't need any secret tips. She can phone it in, too.
4:58: Oprah ties a bow on the show, saying the theme is "kids following their passion." Right now, Emme's passion is napping and eating. She also likes the green ball over the red ball, and she really likes books -- eating them, at least. When she gets older, I don't expect her to have the world's highest IQ -- lord knows her father's genes won't help in that quest. I don't expect her to cure cancer or fling bowling pins at Oprah's hair. I just hope she finds something she likes, and I hope I'll have the intelligence to let her go for it. Even if it involves spoons and ice cream.
