I'm sad to see that you would sum up stay-at-home-mothering as caring for a "cranky demanding baby, eat (sic) a bag of potato chips, and have dinner on the table by 6 pm" or "wiping noses and butts and making up inane little songs and baking bread". I think it's possible to make any job sound trivial and unfulfilling, depending on what kind of attitude you bring to it.  

My friend, who is an unhappy surgeon, tells people that she "cuts people up and leaves the nurses to pick up the pieces" for a living.  Hopefully she'll find a more fulfilling path for herself sometime too.

What I love most about being home with my children is the amount of space that it leaves in our lives.  We're not rushing around like banshees, trying to keep up with the Joneses.  We're simply living our lives, every single day.  I feel like I have a great luxury spending so much time with my children because I have friends who long to be with their children more but various things (finances, career goals, sometimes an addiction to the aforementioned Jones race) prevent them.

If I can't enjoy this fleeting time of childhood, well, I guess it's my own fault for not being more mindful in my life every single day.  If I lose myself, it's only because I allow it to happen.  Life is a series of choices.  

I spent time at home with my son and then went to work, then got laid off and stayed home for a while, then went back to work - so I feel like I've done both. I adore my son but often felt smothered by his neediness and resentful of feeling like the maid in regards to housework and meals, etc. Of course I also hated all the time I spent away from him, especially when I was working night shifts. There is no happy median! Now that he is older he is more independent but I have figured out that I cannot work at night and be as much a part of his life as I need to be. This has not helped my career... and at 42 I don't see that changing in the foreseeable future, if ever.

I quit my job, stayed home, struggled, floundered, drowned, re-surfaced, climbed, and now thrive (well for the most part) in the SAHM world. And now that I have it finally figured out for myself how to do it without losing me,  I've been told that it's time (because my children are school age) for me to struggle back to the working world again.  

What?  

I don't think so.

Like I said to Kim, I think I'll start a daytime poker group instead.  

I don't think Kim or Karen are trying to say that being a stay at home mom just means that you are "caring for a "cranky demanding baby, eat (sic) a bag of potato chips, and have dinner on the table by 6 pm" or "wiping noses and butts and making up inane little songs and baking bread".  Just that for some it is that way.  And that's a sad, but true statement.  I stayed home for a while and I loved being with my daughter everyday, but I just don't have the temperament to do it everyday.  Both my husband and I acknowledge this as a fact.  It doesn't mean I love my child any less or that I am any less of a mother.  It just means it's best for both she and I if I go to work.  

Not all mom's have to work; not all mom's want to work.  Some women are happiest being home with their children 24/7 and I wish I was one of them because I wouldn't feel guilty at times about not being one of them.  But it's not me.  And that I think is the point Kim and Karen are trying to make.  That for some staying at home (or working) is a choice and sometimes women make that choice for the wrong reasons.  

I have a friend whose new husband wants her to stay home when they have children.  I told her if that's what she wants to do, go for it, but don't do it just because that's what he wants.  

Bottom line: be happy, be yourself - have your own identity.   Whether you work or you stay at home, that's what's important.

Speaking as the mom of a 14-month-old and as someone trapped in a shitty, stress-filled career that pays the mortgage and provides health insurance: I would take wiping my kid's butt ANY DAY over having to kiss my boss's.

Neither employment nor child-rearing should have to provide someone with an identity -- that has to come from within. If you're focusing so much time & attention on one or the other that you're losing yourself, then you need to take a step back and get your life back in balance. That's as true for SAHMs as it is for workaholics.

And both employment and child-rearing come with their own special kinds of tedium. But jobs come and go, and childhood is fleeting and precious. I wish I had the choice.

I am basically unemployable, so being a SAHM is a huge blessing for me.  After years of trying to find myself career-wise, I had a baby and I think I've found my calling by staying at home with her.

I am one of the lucky ones in that my husband is absolutely an equal partner in both our relationship and in our parenting.  He does more housework than even I would expect (and I'm the slob in our house) and gives me plenty of ME time, despite working 50 hours a week AND training for a triathlon.  I wish everyone could be so lucky.

And yes, I wipe butts, bake bread, make up really stupid songs, but I also laugh harder than I have ever laughed and I wouldn't trade this time for anything.

I worked till my oldest was 4--and hated it.  I missed him and I missed out on stuff I can never ever get back.  I am not the mindless wonder who bakes bread and does dishes.  I am a capable woman who completely runs a household.  I look at this as my career and my job.  I like it.  I have a great husband who allows me to pursue hobbies and get away for a break now and then.  This isn't for everyone, but that doesn't mean that all of us are either June Cleaver judgemental type bitches who hang at the park or mindless wonders who have no life and a major problem with depression.  I hate that the most about Hollywood.  They put people into groups and that's it--stay-at-home moms are in those two groups and that's it.  

I think all the stay at home moms and working moms should stop this silly debate.

It's silly-but the choice is really up to what works for the mom and the family.

Children aren't being emotionally scarred or abused when they are put in daycare for a few hours while Mom goes to work.

And if changing diapers and singing silly songs is your cup of tea, then great.

What really matters is whether you're working to pay the bills or staying at home making mac and cheese from scratch, you are doing the best for your child and that is all that matters.

Why the competition? Our common ground is that we love our children insanely and we all want what is best for them.

Only the mother of the child knows what is best for them...the judgmental mom in the office or down the street doesn't know what is best.

Ok-that was a little off topic, but I've heard so much about this debate it's getting worse than the media coverage of Anna Nicole Smith...

Anwhooo...the first year of my daughter's life, staying at home was fulfilling. But now we're at the stage where tearing things off of shelves, hitting, biting, throwing food, ect ect, is getting fun and it's getting to be a slow and painful death for me.

I love my child and staying home with her has it's ups and downs, but sheeeshhh!

I have permanant snot stains in ALL of my shirts, I never have time to shave my armpits,  and if I have to sing the Little Einsteins theme song one more time I'm going to pull my hair out.

Sure, her father helps, but he works second shift and she doesn't get super rowdy until the end of the day and when he gets home, she's asleep.

I guess it just depends on what works for you.

If you find identity in working, great.  If not, fine...honestly, I really don't care.

I just want this freaking stain out of my shirt.

Be kind to each other,

Latia

Well Latia, it wasn't meant to be a debate. All that Kin was arguing for was greater freedom and less societal judgment. That's all.

That some women are totally fulfilled being SAHMs is fine. That society EXPECTS such fulfillment is not.

What always irks me about this discussion is that it's always about Moms Moms Moms making the choice to either stay home with kid or work. Yes, there are a small number of stay-at-home Dads (I even know some personally!) but until our culture is set up so that both men and women have the same decisions to face about parenting versus workplace, it makes me frustrated.

How come my partner never had to consider for even a moment whether he would leave his job and stay home with our son? Furthermore, why aren't on-site daycare and longer leaves for both parents offered by more employers? Its great to do what works for each family, but let's not ignore the crucial issue that all the options aren't the same for men and women in this world we live in, and that's just plain Not Fair.

I wasn't saying that THIS post was a debate...

I was simply saying that I was getting a little disheartened hearing about the big "debate" among SAHMs and Working Moms.

From the comments that I was reading, things were starting to get a little 'debate-y' and I just wanted to say that I think all of the moms (and dads) should just stop judging one another about their personal choices...

So yeah...same thing as Kin...less social judgment and more freedom.

I guess those who expect for women to be SAHM's and be happy while doing are...I dunno...silly? To expect such a thing without allowing us to consider the choices that we could have if we weren't to stay at home is pushing us back to the caveman era...and while Geico may be so easy a caveman (or woman, rather) could do it, child rearing is not.

I completely agree that the balance between men and women is not fair or equal, and that we must stay on common ground as both working moms and SAHMs.  

But I do know that changing from one to the other must be one of the hardest things we have to do, especially the first time - whether it's quitting work to stay home or going back to work after being at home.  It is such a drastic change either way - involving complete turnarounds of how we view ourselves, what constitutes a productive day or a milestone, and the guilt and boredom levels.

I have a pretty good balance.  My employer lets me work at home one or two days a week, and those serve as "me" and "get stuff done" time, while my child goes full-time to an in-home care that is low key, loving and creative.  He'll be old enough for preschool soon, and I'm glad it won't be such a change for him - he's ready to learn, and I'll know that he's getting interaction and skills that I never could offer.

We all do as best we can, and our kids adapt wonderfully.  Yay for them, yay for us.

kay, I think that's the key point. Kids adapt. People - and particularly kids - aren't as fragile and delicate as we'd like to believe.

Any Dad-to-be is free to make the choice to consider being a stay-at-home-dad at any time - if that is what would work best for their family.  Even before my wife and I got married - we talked about raising kids ... and that when the time came, we both agreed that for US, having A parent stay home was important.  Further, that it made sense career and personality-type wise for me to be the one to stay at home.

It's an amazing role, and I'm loving (almost) every day of it.  I was at a point where I mentally needed a career switch anyway ... I take pride in doing my best to raise our daughter as a best I can.  I don't worry about what the other stay-at-home parents think of me ... they I get along well with some, and ignore the rest ... and that suits me just fine.

All that counts is that it works for you, your partner, and your family ... and if society doesn't play along, pfpft on them.

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