Strollerderby

Although the word "mistake" is a bit antagonistic on the surface, and probably a big part of why SAHMs are reacting so strongly to this book - I think it's unfortunately very true that we, as women, do not always plan for our own financial security outside of what a husband/partner will provide. And this *is* a mistake. I've watched my own mother land in a situation in her 50s in which she has no health insurance (and is uninsurable due to ongoing health issues), no immediately employable skills (at least, no skills that would allow her to pursue something that she felt had a little dignity), no social security benefits of her own (she'll get an amount equal to half of her husband's, upon retirement age - not enough to live on - and he will get 100% of his benefit - they don't split the benefit, they  just allocate it by percent), no real credit history, and no retirement plan (you can't get an IRA if you're a SAHM - at least, she couldn't, then). Now she's in school, but the clock is ticking and she'll be competing with 20-something graduates at the age of almost 60 by the time she has her BA. It's very difficult for me to leave my daughter every day, but I do it because I never, ever want to be in my mother's position - and in my situation, my paycheck provides our mortgage payment, my retirement plan, and a college tuition plan. Another friend of mine stays at home, but a piece of her husband's check goes into an investment in her name, every month. Whether you stay at home or work outside the home, ALL women should put a financial plan of their *own* into place. If your marriage is strong, your partner will support that idea, and you'll be doing your kids a huge favor.

I think when you become a huge SAHM it takes a huge leap of faith that someday you or your husband might not look at each other and say, "I married you???"  At least it did for me, a hardcore realist.  And that's why I constantly question my decision to stay home, and every few months I job search to see if I still could go back (and it's over 8 years since I left the working world).  

So what's my back-up plan?  

Well if the husband kicks the bucket, I'm set for life (especially if he dies on a business trip on an airplane having paid with American Express...;)).  

But if he leaves?  I don't know.  I don't think you can really set up your own funds that won't be afftected by divorce settlements and lawyers.  I think the best you can do is to know exactly where every little penny is and get at least 1/2 with an awesome attorney on your side.  Even if you are not in charge of the household budget, you can be well-informed and realistic about what things really cost.  I know too many people who haven't a clue.

I am a WOHM so my experience may not apply here, but I think it's important, no matter what your situation, to have a contingency plan.  It could be as simple as opening a bank account for your child with his/her name on the account.  I am a child of divorce and parental death, so perhaps this is what has influenced my opinion, but I can't imagine living in this world with all of the unexpected things that occur and not attempting to be prepared even a little.  This is especially important as a parent.  Unfortunately I think that too many people rely on the safetynet of a partnership.

I don't think "allowed" themselves is really the right phrase.  So much of this discussion presumes that the opt-out "choice" was one made willingly.  If people look at the dilemma more closely, it's driven by the inflexibilities of so many professions and jobs.  Many women who ultimately stayed home with their children would probably have made a different choice if flexibility had real meaning.  We would find ourselves in a very different place if there were more options for mothers AND fathers to work and be considered valuable employees even if they are not working in the nine-to-five (or much later) mold.

Kelly makes valid points about the difficulty of financial independence for SAHM.  How do keep a separate account for money coming from your significant other.  But SAHM can do other things to stay more job ready.  Take computer classes, especially Microsoft Word, Excel, Power point, etc.  Some libraries or community groups offer these classes for relatively cheap.  As much as possible keep up skills that would be marketable.  My aunt was a SAHM for at least 20 years and it was very difficult for her to get back into the work world.  She started by volunteering at her youngest son's school.  Network with working people by volunteering or through parenting groups etc. - show them what you are capable of.

Let's not forget disability happens too - what would happen if your husband couldn't work and had huge medical bills?

My SIL and her husband almost divorced over the strain of his medical problem and disability, and the bills associated with it, even though he had insurance. And she has NEVER worked, is a SAHM to 2 boys under 6, she had NOTHING to fall back on.

I'm currently working, and while my income isn't enormous, we could make do.  I would never say that an SAHM is "disenfranchised," though - it seems a little strong.  I did write on my blog about this book and topic, however, in light of a scary story that happened to one of my mom's good friends. Broke and divorced at 55. It is troubling.  But marriage is a leap of faith I guess, and you have to do what's good for yourself.  If you're interested, a bunch of us are going to read the book and then decide what we think instead of sort of dancing around the issue having not read the book. A virtual book club, if you will! Thanks for finally posting about this, though - I kept looking for it over here on SDerby.

You guys are all steps ahead of where I was, and that's reassuring.

Selfmademom, I'd love to read along with your group, just tell me when!

Just had to chime back in ... this issue hits very close to home, as described in my comment above. There are ways to set up your own investments by directing some of your spouse's income. Talk a financial planner! Getting expertise *before* a crisis occurs is so important. I'm glad that I understand the ins and outs of divorce law from my mother's divorce. Even if I never get divorced, it gave me a dose of reality about how critical it is to be empowered around money even if you aren't the primary breadwinner. Know what's coming in, where it's going, what you're building, and who has rights to it. Good lawyers can help you divide assets, minus debts, and assign alimony etc ... but those scenarios can never replace years of planning and investing. And, I second the comment about keeping your employable skills up to date! Volunteer ... take a computer class once a year ... you just never know. Disability or divorce can ruin a family. My mother feels so much shame, having to depend on her kids at this point in life, when she'd rather be taking her grandkids on vacation than asking us to help foot the bill for her taxes (yes - alimony is taxed).

Wise comments, everyone! You guys have probably changed a few lives with your advice today.

Well said, Nancy.

You know what else I love?  That everybody who spoke up was supportive of each other.  No Mommy Wars here!  Well done.

And I so wish somebody had taken me by the shoulders and shaken me while telling me this stuff about 13 years ago.

Ah well, live and learn...